AIBU?
To feel awkward about our financial situation?
Choppypog · 15/03/2023 16:15
Over the last few years my DH has been doing insanely well in his job, to the point he is going to be getting a very large sum of money soon which will make us very wealthy.
I work in the public sector on a fairly low wage all things relative, but I am a professional and got to where I am through 4 years of uni and hard graft.
I went part time after having our daughter however so my income is really very tiny in comparison.
Urgh, I'm probably going to get flamed for this, because it certainly isn't a bad problem to have considering the hardship many are putting up with out there...
But honestly, I feel so awkward about it all.
I didn't grow up in a wealthy environment, and all of a sudden we are in a position where we can buy whatever we want, go on whatever holidays we want, we can invest in a much bigger/nicer property.
I think there's a couple of reasons. Firstly I'm starting to worry about what friends/colleagues think. I often get jokey remarks about how amazing my life is, our 'fancy' cars, things like that. I feel awkward talking about it when people comment.
The second is I guess is I feel awkward about it not really being my wealth. It's my husband's. I almost feel like it's not really mine. Especially now I only work two days a week. Yea I could buy myself a nicer car, but my DH has paid for it. He argues what's his is mine, which on paper it is, but mentally it doesn't feel that way.
I guess I know I'm BU but I just need advice regarding how to adjust to all this and whether I need a good slap round the head and told to just enjoy it!
Am I being unreasonable?
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bigbird50 · 15/03/2023 18:46
I think its hard when you are not used to having money. I come from a working class background and grew up in a tenement flat with an outside toilet before moving to a new town with our own council house. I now live in a very wealthy area of London and feel like a fraud...its strange as I feel I have to almost explain to folks how a I managed it when in truth it is my strange issue.
You will adjust and learn not to be uncomfortable and the first thing is to not bother about others
sansou · 15/03/2023 18:50
No one will know unless you tell them the details or you start conspicuous lottery style spending. After tax, a substantial bonus/payout is a lot less! (yeah, first world problems I know)
Pay off/down your mortgage/buy a new home (people just assume you have a mortgage) and used the carry forward rules to max out both your pensions/ISAs allowances, etc. Do the same for any DC.
My advice to you is that you should ensure that you have a healthy financial cushion in case recession/redundancy/illness unexpectedly occurs.
Shamdyhandy · 15/03/2023 18:51
It’s impossible to hide it when you turn up to work in a car that’s worth more than a lot of peoples houses
but this is just flashy and a bit gross @Lilypad26. I would never begrudge someone for having money (have lots of friends with lots of ££) but I would judge them for doing things like this. It’s embarrassing
Choppypog · 15/03/2023 18:53
Shamdyhandy · 15/03/2023 18:51
It’s impossible to hide it when you turn up to work in a car that’s worth more than a lot of peoples houses
but this is just flashy and a bit gross @Lilypad26. I would never begrudge someone for having money (have lots of friends with lots of ££) but I would judge them for doing things like this. It’s embarrassing
Alright, so sometimes I go to work in DH's car because he needs my car to tow that day (he has a track car he tows to racetracks).
His car is a 'posh' brand and is worth around 80 grand.
At my workplace, it's 'fancy'.
Lovethatforyou · 15/03/2023 18:58
Some of us don’t want to be rich. I prefer being comfortable.
Expensive cars, designer goods, big houses. No ta.
I’d rather live somewhere cosy, drive an average car, eat/drink well and be able to afford DC hobbies, days out.
A lot of people won’t care about your wealth OP.
CurtainsForBea · 15/03/2023 19:00
Right- okay i will answer this from my experience.
We are rich. Multi millionaires. DH is retired and I am in a job where I earn £17k.
My colleagues i assume know we are rich- 2 DCs in private school for a start and they know DH is retired. We do have ordinary cars though- a Ka in my case. But we live in a large house.
I never ever talk about money. I go to work. I wear clothes from tesco. I have a simple car. I am sure my colleagues wonder. But I never ever bring it up, or rub it in their face. I never go into details about holidays that we have (which are modest as it happens because DH hates to travel). I will join in with complaints about the cost of living etc because the cost of living is rising and we notice it too. But I never ever give away anything verbally that might show that my situation is quite solvent.
Don't talk about it. Dont boast. Don't give away verbal cues like moaning that your diamon shoes are too tight. if anyone asks- company car.
You'll find that you can actually go under the radar a bit of you are discreet.
PoundsoverTitle · 15/03/2023 19:01
I do understand your concerns actually. I lost one of my best friends because of money. I'm 99% certain that's why anyway. Our lives changed quite dramatically in a very short space of time. I felt awkward talking about anything really, because it would always be met with "well I can't afford that, so I wouldn't know!" type comments. I was always very mindful not to talk about holidays, meals out etc, as I knew she was really struggling financially, but I could always tell she was very uncomfortable at the change, almost resentful and we've since grown apart. It does make me sad, because I know if our financial situations were similar, we'd still be friends.
Your life will change, but as you say, it's certainly better than the alternative. You have to just be thankful.
Shamdyhandy · 15/03/2023 19:02
Alright, so sometimes I go to work in DH's car because he needs my car to tow that day (he has a track car he tows to racetracks).
His car is a 'posh' brand and is worth around 80 grand.
well yes, if you feel the urge to show off how much you car is worth in person too then they probably think you’re a twat. I’d suggest you’re probably pretending not to boast whilst dropping into convo every 5 mins 😂
Climbles · 15/03/2023 19:05
I get where you are coming from. It’s awkward when your friends and family don’t have the same things as you. You obviously don’t have to tell people but it’s obvious when you move house or go on holiday. I’ve actually been criticised for not telling people things before too as it seems even more smug to be keeping it quiet.
GenXxx · 15/03/2023 19:06
When DH finally gets this extra money, you should BOTH stuff your pensions and buy big life insurance policies. Not to benefit you but to benefit any DC as these will not be privy to inheritance tax. Suspect this argument will fly better with DH. Protect what wealth you have as future governments will try to take it - even the Tories are doing it as we are facing a demographic and economic time bomb. Put all future property in trust.
Secondly, outsource some of the more menial tasks at home if you can to get some breathing space to think about your own career or even hobby development. I know 3 mothers of very tiny children who have written very successful novels and they haven’t had your means to outsource childcare. I don’t know how they did it but they were always very driven.
Another wealthy friend (family money) is a potter. She loves it and is slowly building up what could be a viable business.
Don’t quit your job until you know what you want to pursue more seriously. Ask yourself, given that money is not an issue, what would you like to do day to day? Is it something creative? Maybe actually you are driven by money and want to be a day trader? Great, take a course. This is an amazing opportunity to pursue the professional or creative life most can only dream of. If you’re passionate about it and good at it, you may just find you make more than enough of your ‘own’ money…
Spend time and money working on yourself. Maybe a bit of therapy to get over imposter syndrome or a career or life coach.
Riverr · 15/03/2023 19:11
Why do people have to know how wealthy you are it's nobody's business but yours 🤫. Having a fancy car doesn't mean your wealthy it could be bought on finance or lease. The people who I know who are very very wealthy don't drive around in flash cars or wear designer clothes and certainly don't advertise their wealthy. Don't feel guilty just don't advertise it.
Choppypog · 15/03/2023 19:12
Shamdyhandy · 15/03/2023 19:02
Alright, so sometimes I go to work in DH's car because he needs my car to tow that day (he has a track car he tows to racetracks).
His car is a 'posh' brand and is worth around 80 grand.
well yes, if you feel the urge to show off how much you car is worth in person too then they probably think you’re a twat. I’d suggest you’re probably pretending not to boast whilst dropping into convo every 5 mins 😂
I don't actually.
It's more a case of I turn up in it, park it in the car park, and they comment on it.
TennisWithDeborah · 15/03/2023 19:17
The wealthiest people I know drive Corsas and Fiestas covered in Labrador fur 😂
Seriously OP, enjoy it. It’s been earned.
I think the sugestions of maxing your pension and having investments in your own name are wise ones. Just to be on the safe side. See it as “prudent” rather than “pessimistic”.
Ablababla · 15/03/2023 19:18
I’m in a reasonably similar position to you. We outed ourselves in recent years by buying a posh house. 80% of people have treated us no differently, the other 20% are manageable and at least I now know is which is which.
the only piece of advice I’d give is that it may be his money but it’s your life. I’ve deferred to DH on a few things because I see the money we are spending as ‘his’ but that’s made me feel a bit like I’m not in control of my own life. I’m trying to improve this dynamic.
regardless I’m very grateful to be in this position.
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