Manager wants me to be more open about my personal life at work - AIBU?

[privstelifeprivate]

I'm in my mid 20s working in quite a young/creative company where most people are middle class 20-30 year olds. It's a very casual and sociable company e.g. there's happy hour in the office, pool tables and we're told to bring 'our authentic selves' to work.

I'm quite reserved with colleagues, I'm friendly and they know a little about my personal life but not much. My manager has started picking up on that, and wants me to become more well-known in the company. An example my manager gave was sharing if I'd done anything interesting at the weekend, and share things I'm passionate about. They gave an example of a colleague who goes hiking and raises money for charity.

AIBU to want to keep my private life private and not this kind of thing brought up as a measure of my performance?

The truth is my life is very different to most of my colleagues. I try and blend in so they would have no idea that I'm not a middle class Oxbridge graduate like they are. I live in a council flat, have had mental health difficulties (that my manager is aware of), and spend most of my free time helping to care for a disabled relative. I don't go hiking, or do much traveling or run marathons or play sport or any of the other things my colleagues do. AIBU to want to keep these things about my life private at work?

YANBU it sounds pushy and strange. Work is work. I would feel uncomfortable if I was backed into a corner like that

Make some stuff up.

Embellish

Or tell them to piss off (which is what I'd do!!)

I am not one for sharing, so when I get put on the spot a team events I just pick something generic “I enjoy reading” or “walking the dog” that kind of thing, I don’t give much away really.

I'd go back to the manager and just say you're not up for sharing information about yourself.

Now is your chance to make up an entire fantasy life!

YANBU at all- some people don’t go in for mixing at work, and I too find the current trend for over sharing at work really inappropriate.

Just keep an eye out though- if you don’t have two years service your manager might be using this as an excuse to say you’re not a good “fit” for their office dynamic. This would be very unfair, but you don’t have much to fall back on legally until you’ve worked somewhere for two years.

I’d certainly divulge nothing about home or personal life - that’s absolutely none of their business. But maybe say you nipped to the shops or went for a walk. You’re within your rights to say it’s not their business though- I’d be very miffed as well.

The phrase about bring your authentic self to work is used in many diversity and inclusion efforts, but it is really meant to mean you are free to be whoever you are. And for you that is not someone who shares personal details. He is misusing the term in a way that is unacceptable. I would suggest talking to him about his own unconscious bias for people who are natural sharers and against people who may have more challenging lives outside of work. Say you are sure it is not his intention to make you feel uncomfortable about your carer responsibilities, but that sadly this is what he has done. And stage plainly - my authentic self is not a sharer. Asking me to share is therefore asking me to me someone I am not. Some people genuinely need it said that plainly.

Just make up a load of rubbish op. Bring your authentic self - what a load of wank. They hire you for 8 hours a day, they don’t get your soul! Tell them you sacrifice chickens and paint with excrement on Tuesdays

Can you not just be honest and say you have caring responsibilities, I don’t think it’s a good idea to make stuff up. Compromises your integrity and would be embarrassing if you got found out.
i think most people would empathise and back off if you told them that anyway, don’t think you have to announce your financial background, or living arrangements though.

YANBU OP. I cannot abide the ‘bring your whole self’ to work tosh. I don’t need to know the ins and outs of all my work colleagues personal life’s. In fact I’d be minded to tell them it’s inappropriate and intrusive.

Can you share some things you’re interested in that are not about where you live etc. something you’ve watched on TV or read in the paper and found interesting - the truth is no-one cares, but to build relationships they need to feel they know you and it’ll help your career.

You could also add that workplaces who push sharing of personal lives tend to end up creating a space where the "standard" nuclear family, 2.4 children, middle class background etc starts to feel like the accepted norm. It is much easier for people in those brackets to share. Someone going through a messy divorce, for example, would be far less comfortable to share!

Reminds of that scene from The Office where Gareth misunderstands the request to share his intimate fantasy.
Just over share once and they won’t ask again.

Fuck no! Explain (privately) to your manager that while you appreciate that your boss is probably trying to get the rest of the team to feel like they know you better you are in fact, a private person and you find that being put on the spot like that is very intimidating and intrusive, and you would prefer it if this stopped as it fills you with anxiety. You appreciate that while their heart is in the right place, as a natural introvert who’s already stressed out by life pressures outside work, you would prefer to keep work to be your safe haven, and to be allowed to continue to go about your duties and keep your privacy and mental space to yourself.

Funny how 'bring your authentic self to work' never seems to include those who are authentically private. Sympathies.

I hate this "bring your authentic self to work 'shit. Work genuinely do not want my authentic time wasting, procrastinating self at all. They want 'work me' who turns up on time, is very committed and brings a new perspective when required.

People who are saying make stuff up are really missing the point.

your post reminds me of halibut jackson.

i don't share stuff at work. i'm paid to work, not to "share" stuff.
a woman i have the misfortune to occasionally work with tells me all about her sex life and it literally makes me feel sick.

stick to your guns and wtaf re: having to share stuff??? i thought it was the british way to be hello how are you/fine/how are you/fine. and then nothing more said, even if your head fell off when you were doing the washing up and then you found some baby lion cubs in your downstairs loo.

YADNBU @privstelifeprivate

I don’t think it’s acceptable for your manager to ask this. Agree with PP that it is strange and intrusive. If he asks again, just smile and say you enjoy hearing what others share and leave it at that.

FWIW I’m an extrovert but prefer not to talk about my personal life very much with colleagues. I just like to keep the two separate and am not a fan of Monday and Friday conversations at the start of meetings where someone asks what everyone’s doing/done at the weekend.

How? - my private life is my private life. Not his business but in the interests of a quiet life I'm quite prepared to make up stuff to keep them happy.

It's an extrovert world at work. Those of us who are not are definitely at a disadvantage.

OOoh yes, well let me tell you what makes me happy Kelly, I went to Tesco and treated myself to a new mop. What am I like eh can't resist a bargain

• drivel on like this every time you get asked to reveal some personal nonsense

The phrase about bring your authentic self to work is used in many diversity and inclusion efforts, but it is really meant to mean you are free to be whoever you are. And for you that is not someone who shares personal details. He is misusing the term in a way that is unacceptable. I would suggest talking to him about his own unconscious bias for people who are natural sharers and against people who may have more challenging lives outside of work. Say you are sure it is not his intention to make you feel uncomfortable about your carer responsibilities, but that sadly this is what he has done. And stage plainly - my authentic self is not a sharer. Asking me to share is therefore asking me to me someone I am not. Some people genuinely need it said that plainly.

I totally agree with all of this. Say this to your manager.

"My authentic self is a very private person."

Perhaps your manager feels you come across as standoffish? Mentioning what you like on telly or if you follow any sport might be what they're after. Not sharing your personal life but engaging a bit in office chat - I definitely had a boss that was keen on all that stuff. (I even watch 3 episodes of I'm a Celebrity, but decided that was above and beyond!)

My authentic self would tell him to fuck off.

But I'm an oversharer, it's not a good thing.

This, completely this!

But also agree with saying something generic, ie when asked if you did anything nice at the weekend you could just say you spent time with family or enjoyed relaxing at home. I'd be tempted to mention "self-care" somewhere in there