Manager wants me to be more open about my personal life at work - AIBU?

[privstelifeprivate]

I'm in my mid 20s working in quite a young/creative company where most people are middle class 20-30 year olds. It's a very casual and sociable company e.g. there's happy hour in the office, pool tables and we're told to bring 'our authentic selves' to work.

I'm quite reserved with colleagues, I'm friendly and they know a little about my personal life but not much. My manager has started picking up on that, and wants me to become more well-known in the company. An example my manager gave was sharing if I'd done anything interesting at the weekend, and share things I'm passionate about. They gave an example of a colleague who goes hiking and raises money for charity.

AIBU to want to keep my private life private and not this kind of thing brought up as a measure of my performance?

The truth is my life is very different to most of my colleagues. I try and blend in so they would have no idea that I'm not a middle class Oxbridge graduate like they are. I live in a council flat, have had mental health difficulties (that my manager is aware of), and spend most of my free time helping to care for a disabled relative. I don't go hiking, or do much traveling or run marathons or play sport or any of the other things my colleagues do. AIBU to want to keep these things about my life private at work?

If I had to take my authentic self to work I’d be turning up in my dressing gown, eating chocolate cake and looking at my phone all day.

In my team it helps us to support each other by knowing a little about our lives outside work. Some people have stuff going on that means they occasionally have to drop everything and everyone else is totally understanding. But its a genuinely lovely team of decent people, no one is judgmental.

I told my work that my authentic self was being a private person and it would be inauthentic to share. Privately in the non-leadership group chat I vented that “bring your whole self to work” bollocks is basically “don’t have a life outside this job. Share your personal phone number, be available at all hours, work free overtime and befriend your colleagues so you forget you have anything else going on, we would like to bleed you dry”.

Thankfully I am extremely good at my job and valued for it so I can get away with being arsey in the face of stupid requests. I’m nice to my colleagues! But arsey when asked to do stuff like this. They’ve stopped asking!

I think, given the comments folks have made about potential ‘fit’ issues, I’d be quite specific about a couple of things. So, you don’t need to disclose your situation to ‘bring something of yourself in’. Like, I read this book I enjoyed; didn’t the sun shine nicely this weekend - I had a lovely walk; what do you think about xx in the news/on TV? You would find that would probably be enough, and ride the line to seem less reserved. I mean, many of us ARE more reserved, but you would show some willing that way.. and sure people would think they had a good conversation with you, because essentially, people like talking about themselves!

Maybe you could start a niche interest like painting watercolours and pretend you spend all weekend doing it instead of ten minutes? Or read? That's a good one because you can pretend you read all day.

This. Say all of this.

You say you are being pushed to share personal details but the examples you give aren't personal details, it is just chit chat to build connections with people.

I think your manager is trying to help you - if you want a career and to build networks with your colleagues you need to learn to small talk

Just say oh I lead a quiet life. I just like lazy weekends and reading/watching bit tv.

My authentic self walks bare foot indoors and sometimes eats out of a saucepan, I may even burp out loud and have a bitch resting face. Is this authentic self acceptable? I bet not!

This could be a very bad attempt at being inclusive eg be aimed at saying that you are welcome to be open about your mental health and caring role if they know about it.

The thing it's much easier for people with more 2.4 lives to promote that.

There could be ways of sharing stuff without really revealing much. For example I love cooking and often cook for family at weekends without saying this is a caring role (if you do love cooking). Or I'm really into well-being so I've been journalling this weekend (if you do journal). These are hopefully enough buzz words to get your manager off your back without saying that much. Not that you should have to.

I have a lovely manager. We were discussing diversity at the end of the week and I explained to her why 'tell me about yourself' was a rubbish interview question as I would tell people about myself if I wanted to when they weren't strangers. I'm in a same sex marriage with a wonderful autistic wife but I only tell people who I feel won't ask rude judgey questions about that.

I am happy to chat and will share things, but if it is a ' thing' no chance

I find the Idea you HAVE to share odd

As management in our company we are pushed to do this also. The reason is because if tomorrow you were to call & say my nephew is sick I need to look after him… your work wouldn’t have a clue if this was real or not. However if you’ve spoken about say nephew and how involved you are it would be more believable.

same with compassionate leave. One staff member lost their step grandparent and had months off due to close relationships but someone else may not.

That's awful...I mean, I hate all of this anyway, but what a sinister reason for wanting to know stuff about employees.

Authentic self is a secret codeword in my place for US-centric, mid-20s, left-leaning, trendy metro hobbies, sprinkled with privilege. As an older person with a lot of experience of true diversity, some of my views would not pass the sniff test so I keep quiet. I find it quite funny though when people do share their not-so-acceptable authentic selves and get slated.

"we're told to bring 'our authentic selves' to work."

Personally I prefer to bring my professional self to work. My authentic self swears like a navvy.

I think your manager is being an arse. I mean - "My manager... wants me to become more well-known in the company" - what does that even mean? You are reserved. Authentically reserved. Being reserved IS bringing your authentic self to work. If he cannot understand that, the lack is his. If I were feeling helpful, I might point out that diversity of personality and approach within a workforce is a good thing, it protects against groupthink.

Sounds like my idea of hell. I am very private at work and will always be.

Declare to the office that you're a swinger and into BDSM. Might not be so keen for you to share after that.

I love this it’s so well worded and spot on

Your manager seems quite intrusive and to me, also quite insensitive although it is perhaps unintentional.

Not everyone wants to share their private life with people at work. There may be many reasons for that, right down to, they simply don't want to - and that's fine! As a manager, he should understand that everyone is different, people have different personalities and as long as they are friendly, polite and do the work, that's all that matters.

I always think it's good to have a mix of personalities in a team. Too many big personalities can cause issues!

I would try to speak with your manager again and explain that while you understand their intentions are good, you don't feel comfortable sharing details of your private life and caring responsibilities.

If they can't accept that, I'd look elsewhere to be honest.

Totally agree with this. Much harder if you're single/dating, childless, struggling with your mental health, have other issues you're dealing with outside work, etc.

I think what's being expected of you is a load of bollocks, but you can probably create an illusion of being more open without actually making stuff up. If you're not into sports, can you talk about films you've seen, exhibitions, new recipes you've cooked, parks you visited - or something that's not work-related but at the same time not particularly revealing or "personal"?

For real!

Some of these types of company like to hire on ‘cultural fit’ criteria. They want people who fit the culture of the organisation more than particular skill sets, as these can be all be learned by the right people. If they feel you don’t fit then it could be a problem.

I agree that you do not need to share personal information, but you could share your thoughts on tv shows, items in the news, Eurovision was a good example, so that people feel that they know you.

This is 100% spot on

In your opinion

I have worked in the creative industry for over 20 years, but am now re-training to work in a different field. I think it would be very difficult to form a good career in that industry if you don’t put yourself out there and form strong personal relationships. Nepotism is huge and having lots of friends who are relevant for your role is imperative otherwise you will soon be forgotten about unfortunately. Your degree or experience is much less important than who you know, and it will be impossible for anyone to get to know you if you won’t share anything about you.