Manager wants me to be more open about my personal life at work - AIBU?

[privstelifeprivate]

I'm in my mid 20s working in quite a young/creative company where most people are middle class 20-30 year olds. It's a very casual and sociable company e.g. there's happy hour in the office, pool tables and we're told to bring 'our authentic selves' to work.

I'm quite reserved with colleagues, I'm friendly and they know a little about my personal life but not much. My manager has started picking up on that, and wants me to become more well-known in the company. An example my manager gave was sharing if I'd done anything interesting at the weekend, and share things I'm passionate about. They gave an example of a colleague who goes hiking and raises money for charity.

AIBU to want to keep my private life private and not this kind of thing brought up as a measure of my performance?

The truth is my life is very different to most of my colleagues. I try and blend in so they would have no idea that I'm not a middle class Oxbridge graduate like they are. I live in a council flat, have had mental health difficulties (that my manager is aware of), and spend most of my free time helping to care for a disabled relative. I don't go hiking, or do much traveling or run marathons or play sport or any of the other things my colleagues do. AIBU to want to keep these things about my life private at work?

Cheer up, just say you are dating someone who lives abroad, you love spending weekends at the seaside if you have a chance and that you indeed look after your relative. What is so wrong being casual about things?

How awful! I have no interest in colleagues' personal lives, and certainly wouldn't be sharing my own.

When I worked in an office many moons ago I kept my work life and home life as separate as possible. I got on brilliantly with my colleagues and we were a good team but were there to do the work required, not to chat.

I didn't even mention my wedding until I returned from two weeks off. They assumed it was just a holiday, no idea it was our honeymoon. I think someone noticed my wedding ring and asked about it on the first or second day back.

OP, as others have said, tell your manager that your authentic self (I hate that term) is very private.

I dunno, make up some easy to fudge stuff up. I'm passionate about cooking say. I had friends/ family round to eat. I made an amazing curry ( Google a quick recipe). It's intrusive and wrong, but so much at work seems about playing the game. ( Am happily now self employed...)

Agree with this, and also think the 'bring your authentic self to work' is trendy new generation z type BS. I agree that we should be able to show a degree of our personalities at work (and obviously re the D&I stuff this started with people should absolutely be able to be themselves re sexuality for example), and of therefore in your case it's completely valid to say 'my authentic self is to keep my personal life private' but I also think it's BS because work is still work. We should all be being professional at work which for the vast majority of us does mean behaving in a somewhat different way to how we do at home, or out with friends. I say we all have different facets to our personalities and our work personality should be a different version of us.
But to reiterate it's absolutely fine to not want to share your personal life at work.

I am going to go against the grain here and say it is weird to be in a friendly office when someone does not share anything about themselves. You dont have to tell your innermost secrets and every thought, but people knowing a little about you is a good thing.

So Ive had similar feedback although not quite as badly phrased but close.

I think I’ve shared stuff - what I’ve seen, read, did at weekends but people think I’m reserved/ private ( I am). For me, what I’ve discovered that oddly it’s not really about the subject - more the way in which you approach it.

So if you go in fairly bright and breezy, you can discuss Eurovision at Liverpool for ten mins saying absolutely zero about yourself, and people think you’ve shared. Tell people that you actually did x y a which is far more revealing and it’s not what they really mean. It is the art of small talk which I have had to learn and consider myself having just progressed to intermediate.

Forget anything substantial and the key is to be bright and breezy - can discuss sunrises, first sight of daffodils, colours of curtains/ biscuits/ football - although possibly not now - literally anything that’s not work orientated - and not serious.

I do share the frustration in having to adapt to other peoples preference but it does help to make things easier at work.

It's really important for unpaid careers to make themselves known to employers so that they can be supported and stress levels minimised by use of workplace policies and actually, you're protected by law via the Care Act, or Carers Act in Scotland. The more carers that speak up, the more support will be generated, and you may even encourage others to speak up too. You should be proud to get where you are despite not having the privileged background the others have.

All that said, if you want to fade into the background, that's what to do

I wouldn't go down the lieing root but if you're up for it you could just chip in with some cryptic remarks.
"What have I been up to this weekend?...
Well I could tell you but it would rock the Monarchy
Theres no way im going down, l value my freedom
Its all material for blog/autobiography/ Graham Norton interview...

One thing I would like to clear up though is are you just a private reserved person.....or is it more a case of wishing you HAD been skiing, got drunk, been to a concert etc but you don't get the opportunity, and you feel embarrassed about your 'hum drum' life? If it's the later, that's a real shame and I'd hope there was one person who you could choose to be a bit more open with. People might actually have more respect than you give them credit for when you say you are a carer. Maybe open the conversation with Charit Girl and mention a charity aligned to your carees condition. You never know, you could do something together. If she's very chatty and outgoing maybe get sponsored to 'be each other' at work for a day!

@MsInsomniac 😂 perfect response

invent a weird cult and try to convert them all
tell them your polyamorous
anything weird - you'd love to have Boris Johnson back as PM...

Why should you have to share your soul,
You work there all the time,
You Need some privacy too,
It's OK if you want to share positive things that have happened to you,?

But I can obviously amagine as a Carer its obviously be a real challenge to find something positive to share about if you wanted to,

YANBU. But in your case I think I'd make something up. Went shopping at the Trafford Centre. Went for a meal at (somewhere you've been) with friends.

Rinse and repeat.

Tell them you devote most of your spare time to writing Dr Who fan fiction. I doubt they will want to know any more.

Brilliant post, well said 👏

Sounds very intrusive, he may want to use the info you give against you at some point. Even so called friends can use what they know against you during a row, and if he is pushing you specifically for more info, that sounds really creepy.

Brilliant!

I agree with the poster who said it’s less about giving information & more about connecting to your colleagues with small talk.

So a bright & breezy ‘Hi Sharon, how did the marathon training go this weekend? Me? Spent time with family & watched xxx on Netflix.’

My past experience of people who want to insist that we all become one big happy family at work tend to have some gaps to fill in their own lives. For me work is work and home is home. The two are largely separate and I have tended to find one or two people in every work place that I am eventually more friendly with and have kept in touch with when I move on. I think it's fine to say your 'authentic self' is more private than your manager might prefer and that should be accepted. Not everyone's authentic self involves sharing and intimacy with colleagues. Alternatively it might be ideal to say you having caring responsibilities so have less time, and if they ask more in a nosey way, then say you prefer to keep that private. I'm sorry you are being pressurised like this - sounds very odd.

YADNBU

If you get gripped by them again, just tell them to stop being intrusive.

Flipppppping heck OP they are nosy, I'd just tell them to take a long walk off a short pier.

YANBU. Sounds like an annoying place to work, filled with annoying overprivileged people.

Tell management in the nicest way 'this is my authentic self any other self portrayed 😤will be artificial'

We have a particular person where I work that knows everything about everyone, she's a gossip and somehow knows when and why people are off sick etc
I make sure I never tell her anything about myself. Pisses me off, I go to work, do my job and go home. If questioned I say I've walked the dog in the local woods, or visited friends. Im always very vague.
If I were you I would just make up something.

Ha ha, this. In work, I am an enthusiastic, motivated, conscientious team-player. Outside of work I am a mess 🤣

Could he be saying, in a ham fisted way, that networking and building relationships is important for career progression? Most senior jobs involve having to build rapport and influence people, and networking at lower levels is good practise.