Manager wants me to be more open about my personal life at work - AIBU?

[privstelifeprivate]

I'm in my mid 20s working in quite a young/creative company where most people are middle class 20-30 year olds. It's a very casual and sociable company e.g. there's happy hour in the office, pool tables and we're told to bring 'our authentic selves' to work.

I'm quite reserved with colleagues, I'm friendly and they know a little about my personal life but not much. My manager has started picking up on that, and wants me to become more well-known in the company. An example my manager gave was sharing if I'd done anything interesting at the weekend, and share things I'm passionate about. They gave an example of a colleague who goes hiking and raises money for charity.

AIBU to want to keep my private life private and not this kind of thing brought up as a measure of my performance?

The truth is my life is very different to most of my colleagues. I try and blend in so they would have no idea that I'm not a middle class Oxbridge graduate like they are. I live in a council flat, have had mental health difficulties (that my manager is aware of), and spend most of my free time helping to care for a disabled relative. I don't go hiking, or do much traveling or run marathons or play sport or any of the other things my colleagues do. AIBU to want to keep these things about my life private at work?

I've had pressure in the past to be more 'open' it really stressed me trying to second guess what might be interesting to others, was enough - not too much etc as none of that stuff I'm good at. In the end I happened to have a pet that I found was easy to talk about and didn't seen to bore people but it looked to my boss like I was being social. I'm not saying get a pet, as it is a terrible reason to. But if you've got one or take card of some one else's regularly then they're a great distraction from whatever a conversation about "your authentic self" is supposed to be.

Say you’ve watched Gold and go on and on about or something on Netflix and repeat the plot ad infinitem until they’re so bored they won’t want to hear any more 😁

I was thinking exactly that. You cpuld
ve the envy of
your colleagues with your constant jersey ring, carousing with filmstars and awesome dinner parties.
go
wild!!

Agree with ThreeRingCircus, I’ve worked within the area of diversity and inclusion and this reeks of unconscious bias/privilege.

This

I’ve had something along these lines before… I hate sharing but just told them that I spent the weekend caring for my partner who was recovering from an episode of mental ill health

or just that you don’t have the time to do these other things because you spend time with family

it’s so elitist it really annoys me - privately tell your manager why you find it so invasive and maybe they’ll stop making such a thing about it & just let those who want to share to do so

I'd be tempted to not share things or make things up, but if I'm asked what I got up to at the weekend, I'd say something like "I don't want to go into too many details but I'm a carer so don't have time to do anything"

"My authentic self is a private person who does not feel comfortable sharing things about myself. Either you want me to bring "my authentic self" to work or you don't. Which is it?" Would be my response.

I'm with the make it up team.

I expect your manager is attempting to bring some sort of diversity into the workplace, your life is different than others but that should be ok & frankly I think your life outside work sounds very real & authentic. You should be proud of yourself that you've struggled & are functioning holding a job down & looking after your relative.
I understand that you're not happy sharing this & I wouldn't be either - is there anything else that you do that you wouldn't mind sharing?

NB I'm sure a lot of your colleagues do embellish & make it up as they go along. No-one is going to want to share personal stuff.

You need to pull your boss aside & tell them what you have said in the last paragraph of your post.
Then, with your bosses help, find something you can share & feel comfortable sharing.
I am an over-sharer but in your situation where the sharing seems almost forced upon people & seems like a ‘look how exciting, amazing, complete & organised my life is’ competition I’d feel very uncomfortable sharing!
My life is very, very boring & not normal at all.
To be honest I spend most days in bed due to CFS & Fibromyalgia kicking my ass.
Most exciting walking I do is round the supermarket with a trolly for support but I do watch a lot of movies & I love going to the cinema.

Bless you, OP. X

I agree with lots of the posts on here, you should just be able to get on and do your job without having to share elements of your private life you are not comfortable sharing. I used to hate the "what did you do at he weekend" and "what are you doing at the weekend" conversations too.

My one caveat to that is that people buy from people and networking is important, so it's a good idea to have a superficial friendly working relationship with colleagues and find a couple of things you can talk about such as a hobby or a pet or the odd TV programme.

Sounds like you're not a good fit for the company.

YANBU. I would just tell the manager that you share what you are comfortable sharing and that it is your choice, that you are a private person.

I don't have any desire to know the serious ins and outs of their lives. I don't go out to drink or follow celebrities. I don't wish to discuss political issues. I'll take an interest in the sweet, silly things their children do, look at photo, coo if they're ill. If I want to know what someone did over the weekend I'll ask, but for the most part I prefer to keep things light and shallow. I care for my elderly father. What do I do for fun? Take a long soak and have a nap. My life is serious, exhausting, currently challenging, and I'm struggling with depression. I really prefer to leave it at the door when I come to work. I don't want to share.

I quite like the response of an old colleague: 'Nothing exciting, just pottering about!' It's quite a polite and friendly way of saying MYOFB.

I don't particularly want colleagues knowing I've been working on research papers because I don't have enough time to do this in work time and let it eat into my life far too much. The rest of the time I'm either taking DS swimming, lounging about (because I'm knackered) and letting him have too much screen time, going out for a pub lunch because it's easier than cooking, and quaffing wine with DP in the evenings.

All these things are an indication of someone who is far too stressed. And letting work see where your vulnerabilities are is fatal.

Sick of 'bring your whole self to work' - I sell quite enough of myself to that place as it is, without them wanting to take peeks inside my soul as well. The whole strange culture can get to fuck.

I would reply that I am naturally a reserved person who likes to have a clear line between work and personal life and so sharing information would definitely not be my "authentic self".

YANBU but don't lie. One lie leads to another then another and so on!
Tell them you're a carer for a relative so you don't have much free time but when you do you spend it with your own friends. You don't have to be just like them, that's obvious as you were hired without having gone to their school!
Join in with their in-job activities if you want to, you might enjoy it and you might find some good friends by doing so, but it isn't - or shouldn't be - a requirement of the job!!
If you're unhappy in the job, start looking elsewhere for another. But stay there until you find something else, if you can!
I'd love to know what the job is, but that's just my curiosity.

@SerafinasGoose @Apricotjoy I wholeheartedly agree.
Our time outside working hours belongs to us. Our employers and colleagues have no right to that time, including knowing how we spend it.
And airing anything that could be perceived as a vulnerability is a very bad idea.
Where I work they have a “spotlight on….” feature on the website about individual staff members (with their permission). They always say that in their spare time they run marathons or volunteer at food banks or some such. There’s a good reason that they never say that on the days they don’t volunteer at the food bank, they vegetate on the sofa eating chocolate and watching tv, because they’re mentally and physically exhausted.
It’s all connected with the idea that we should be endlessly energetic, resilient wonderwomen who love our work and have fulfilling lives outside work. Going to work every day and doing the job we’re paid for isn’t enough for many employers now.

It's fine that you wish to keep your life private, but if it's the company culture you may want to evaluate as to whether you are a good fit long term with them. Kinda depends on what genre you work in really.