Manager wants me to be more open about my personal life at work - AIBU?

[privstelifeprivate]

I'm in my mid 20s working in quite a young/creative company where most people are middle class 20-30 year olds. It's a very casual and sociable company e.g. there's happy hour in the office, pool tables and we're told to bring 'our authentic selves' to work.

I'm quite reserved with colleagues, I'm friendly and they know a little about my personal life but not much. My manager has started picking up on that, and wants me to become more well-known in the company. An example my manager gave was sharing if I'd done anything interesting at the weekend, and share things I'm passionate about. They gave an example of a colleague who goes hiking and raises money for charity.

AIBU to want to keep my private life private and not this kind of thing brought up as a measure of my performance?

The truth is my life is very different to most of my colleagues. I try and blend in so they would have no idea that I'm not a middle class Oxbridge graduate like they are. I live in a council flat, have had mental health difficulties (that my manager is aware of), and spend most of my free time helping to care for a disabled relative. I don't go hiking, or do much traveling or run marathons or play sport or any of the other things my colleagues do. AIBU to want to keep these things about my life private at work?

@usethedata @MsInsomniac Agree. “Bring your authentic self” isn’t meant to mean “tell your colleagues as much as they want to know about your private life”. And you are paid to do a day’s work, what you do outside work is your own business.
The current trend for employers becoming involved in their employees’ life outside work, and expecting people to participate in work-related activities outside work time, is not good. It’s blurring the boundaries between work and private life which is the last thing we need, and it’s drifting towards employers owning more of our lives than they have a right to.

Lie. I hate this oversharing bollocks and don’t think it is my job to educate someone about how inappropriate it is to force someone who clearly doesn’t want to share details of their private lives to do so. Your free time is now devoted to crochet or stamp collecting.

I'd be up for that, but be careful not to go too far. Like dating an astronaut or growing up in the circus 🤣

I hate when people at work overshare the minutiae of their home lives - I'm here to do a job. I'm not your best friend, I don't really care about every second of your weekend. I remember being on work experience for 3 days aged 16 and one of the women in the office wouldn't stop talking about her sex life. She'd just been on holiday with her boyfriend and went into great detail about the 'naughty' places they had DTD 🤔.
My dsis has a temporary job in a private health care setting that very much operates on a 'cultural fit' level. They don't recruit for jobs, they prefer a family/friends network (my dsis is friends with one of the workers cousins!) . There was no interview, just a series of informal chats, where her views/interests were discussed at lengths. The clinic owner has a particular hobby that he expects the staff to participate on in 'team building' days and everyone knows everyone's business. They go into work early to eat breakfast together, stay behind to 'chill' and at Christmas the manager suggested that my dsis have everyone over to her house, because they have been to everyone's house but hers 🤔. Dsis is looking forward to moving on to a more professional work setting.

So many responses here but agree with this 100% I have caring responsibilities and it meant so much to see others being open about this and especially senior leaders taking time out etc. It made it feel much easier for others to follow. You never know others might be in similar circumstances or indeed future hires.

You don’t have to share your personal life at work - but someone who never talks about their personal life is hard work. Can’t make chit chat, can’t build a relationship.
bring up something… got stuck on the train, very excited, there is a new Waitrose/ Aldi opening around the corner, something that annoys you about your train station: car park, car needs an MOT, went to the gym, did you watch ABC at the weekend, I visited my aunt, need a new boiler, window cleaner was annoying…
anything that gives people the chance to get to know you.
then with others… ask them questions…. If the ask you “how was your weekend”… “oh, I went to John Lewis to buy new sauce pants, not exciting but needed done… what about you?” And then ask a couple of follow up questions. Next time, ask them.., oh, how was… you’ll be building relationships without giving too much away.

YANBU to feel that how much of your private life you share should not have any impact on how well you are considered to be performing at work.

However, personally, I think keeping your private life secret in an environment that is clearly quite open and interactive will make you stand out. it might be that the culture of this firm is simply not the right one for you.

Also, I can't help but suspect that your. manger wants you to speak out a bit more because you ARE the diversity hire. All the people speaking out are middle class, oxbridge types and he's fully aware that actually, there's more diversity than it appears. But at the end of the day, it's not your responsibility to "educate" others or to be the poster child for any internal diversity programs.

Valuing neurodiversity is a buzz phrase at the moment and I'd maybe suggest to your manager that part of being inclusive is valuing some people's desire for privacy about their personal life and not just valuing extroverts

there's a bit difference between oversharing (looking at you colleague, and your detailed discussions, every day, about what your child ate for the 6 months you were weaning her....) and being closed off.

And if you don't want to talk about being a carer, that's totally fine and your right, but personally, I'd think that a light reference to it will give people a better understanding of you. Ditto, it's perfectly okay to say you enjoyed the weekend because you love that the weather is getting a bit better or similar - it's personal statement without going into any detail or oversharing.

If the ask you “how was your weekend”… “oh, I went to John Lewis to buy new sauce pants, not exciting but needed done…

Oh, I don’t know…sauce pants sound like they could be quite exciting!

If the ask you “how was your weekend”… “oh, I went to John Lewis to buy new sauce pants, not exciting but needed done…

I said similar recently, told them I was off to the tip and what I was taking (old car battery). Give them something without giving them everything OP.

The tip is a better example. Arguably, it's the casual assumption that John Lewis saucepans are accessible to all that, I suspect, is what makes OP uncomfortable sharing in the first place. When the person sitting next to you is off to John Lewis for saucepans and you bought yours at Wilko, that can make people uncomfortable.

I worked (only on an interim contract fortunately) with an ostensibly lovely friendly team of oversharers, a few years ago, mostly ten years my junior and always posting photos of what they were up to outside work on a team whatsapp group.

It was nice at first but it just made me feel like I was never "off", and the boundary between home and work was too blurred. I WFH a lot now and still don't feel like that. With colleagues now it's just the "Nice weekend?" question then get on with stuff. Much better.

Especially since a lot of neurodiverse people struggle with social communication.

And from your OP:
"The truth is my life is very different to most of my colleagues. I try and blend in so they would have no idea that I'm not a middle class Oxbridge graduate like they are. I live in a council flat, have had mental health difficulties (that my manager is aware of), and spend most of my free time helping to care for a disabled relative."

So, there's a homogeneity to the people they hire - middle-class Oxbridge graduates. They have a recruitment problem - sounds as if they have been hiring in their own image, which will lead to a homogeneity of result and groupthink. I think @NumberTheory 's point about making yourself vulnerable is a very good one, and one that I would absolutely raise with them. It is very naive of them to not see that there is the potential there for you to become 'not one of us' to your colleagues. 'Blending in' is your strategy of choice.

As for "they want me to feature on the company's TikTok account" - Hell, no! And again I think NumberTheory is spot on here

"On this front I would say you’d be happy if it was entirely focused on your professional role, but you are not prepared to have your personal life on the Internet (and if it was intended to cover your personal life I would probably add some judgmental comment about it being irresponsible of the company to encourage people to expose themselves given how toxic social media can be, especially for women)."
Your manager is either spectacularly naive or cynically trying to use you.

The valuing neurodiversity I think is a good one to use.

When your employer says they are one big family and have no secrets and attend team buildings, run sus, run, it's this ---> 🤡

Another vote for the response @usethedata gave on page one. I think I might be tempted to add some legal stuff in passing such as “discrimination by association” and “has there been any risk assessment for safeguarding concerns associated with appearing on social media?”

I work in HR and your manager would get me telling them in no uncertain terms that this is the opposite of inclusivity and that there are better and more appropriate ways of promoting someone’s professional achievements or ability than a sodding TikTok video.

Don't let anyone bully you into doing anything you don't want to do. I wouldn't make up a life, lies have a habit of being found out. Just tell him you prefer to keep your private and work life seperate. And try not to be down on yourself, whether you live in a council flat or a mansion, you are worthy.

YADNBU
It's none of their business.
I would say nothing. If they keep persisting, say you are not comfortable with it.

This is a you and not them problem. It’s sounds like you’re having ‘imposter syndrome’ or feel embarrassed/ low.
what’s wrong with saying what you’ve just said on mumsnet if they really want you to bring ‘your authentic self’

I absolutely LOATHE workplaces like this. Everything is a personality contest and I don’t care what others think about me. I’d find a new job.

YANBU
you will find that every office there’s these type of pushy people that wants to know everything about you and in the end they might end up using thins knowledge against you.

I don’t share anything private. All my weekend are always short, not long enough and exhaustive because all I do is cleaning and tidying up my house which is half a lie. I do have a life and enjoy doing things and going places but is no one’s business. And I simply do the political thing of lying and lying .
I do it pretty well !

sometimes we think that we must tel the truth for everything. You will find out that being a liar in the office is great fun.

good luck !

without wanting to be paranoid, the examples I have heard of similar to the OP's first post, especially in young trendy creative type organisations with this type of culture, it turned out that the line manager/ the board of directors or just the managers in charge often turned out to be interested in the younger recruits for romantic/sexual reasons as much as and often more than wanting those younger recruits to advance their careers by being more open about their private lives....

Just sayin'...

It's going to sound harsh and it genuinely isn't your fault but this is possibly not the right work environment for you. You might feel more comfortable in an environment where people do their jobs and go home. I've worked in both and whilst I'm ok with feeling part of a work family, I've had colleagues for whom it's just not them.