Manager wants me to be more open about my personal life at work - AIBU?

[privstelifeprivate]

I'm in my mid 20s working in quite a young/creative company where most people are middle class 20-30 year olds. It's a very casual and sociable company e.g. there's happy hour in the office, pool tables and we're told to bring 'our authentic selves' to work.

I'm quite reserved with colleagues, I'm friendly and they know a little about my personal life but not much. My manager has started picking up on that, and wants me to become more well-known in the company. An example my manager gave was sharing if I'd done anything interesting at the weekend, and share things I'm passionate about. They gave an example of a colleague who goes hiking and raises money for charity.

AIBU to want to keep my private life private and not this kind of thing brought up as a measure of my performance?

The truth is my life is very different to most of my colleagues. I try and blend in so they would have no idea that I'm not a middle class Oxbridge graduate like they are. I live in a council flat, have had mental health difficulties (that my manager is aware of), and spend most of my free time helping to care for a disabled relative. I don't go hiking, or do much traveling or run marathons or play sport or any of the other things my colleagues do. AIBU to want to keep these things about my life private at work?

YANBU.

I would email him and state that you are a private person who spends most of your weekends caring for a disabled relative, something which is not awfully positive or likely to life the spirits in the office or that is directly comparable to hiking for charity.

They need a head wobble! It's dreadful to treat staff that way!

I have to put together interviews with members of our company and share them via company social media. It's part of showing company culture to potential customers and internally helping people get to know each other if their paths wouldn't normally cross.

For colleagues, in customer facing roles who are keen to keep work and personal life separate, I've tried to find work-arounds that will showcase them as a knowledgeable member of the company whilst respecting their privacy. Sometimes it takes the form of an article where they provide information about an industry relevant trade show, conference or opinions on a work related trending topic. Sometimes it's a mocked up interview where they help explain one of our services. Other times, they are quoted or named in a case study.

These sorts of things can help maintain or raise your profile in your company while respecting the privacy of your personal life.

Other people take part in work culture by bringing in cake or swapping second hand books, sharing music playlists, taking part in socials or sharing a charity fundraising link they are taking part in. There can be other little but significant ways to show you are a part of the team without having to reveal anything deeper. Is there one of these "little bit of something extras" you would you feel comfortable doing?

I've also come across some situations where the person didn't want to participate in any way because it turns out they were preparing to leave their jobs within the company and didn't want anyone to know or create an awkward situation by taking part and leaving soon after.

Can you let your manager know what you would feel comfortable doing that might tick one/some of the boxes on their agenda whilst also being clear about what you don't want to do? Perhaps that can clarify your work-life boundaries in a way that helps you to demonstrate willingness to play a part in shaping company culture without feeling like you have to expose yourself to the discomfort of personal revelations.

That might address any underlying concerns that you or they might have - like making it clear that you still want to work there and you do fit in, dealing with potential impostor syndrome feelings (we've all been there at some point in working life). This can help with securing a reputation as "team player" without having to sacrifice the privacy of your personal life.

Good luck and remember you probably aren't the only one in your company feeling this way, no matter how intense the feeling may be.

I agree with this.

Reply ah you are the weekend life police !
im always a bit reluctant to share my life stories as I had a stalker before 🤣🤣🤣

YANBU

I learned very early on in my career not to mix personal life and professional.
I never drink on work do’s as want to be fully aware of everything I say and do…. The only time I did drink I had comments like ‘ooh we saw a different side to you last night!’
I also don’t think sharing is always a good idea…. There’s always that one person in each team that over shares….. in my view sharing private details about yourself leaves you vulnerable to gossip…..

When your boss raises this ‘concern’ again, simply respond with a ‘thank you for your recommendation but I really would feel more comfortable keeping my private life private and smile at him/her…. If the issue is pushed I’d get a bit more blunt and say ‘I’m sorry you feel so invested in my personal life, but it is just that… personal!

I can understand your perspectives and it's admirable, and I can understand the uses within the company and for good public relations, I guess it's a mix with some people.

I don't mind personally connecting and sharing certain topics of interest as over time you kinda have a split personality where it's advocating interest in topics eg history, Egypt, etc, then the more intriguing subjects, cold war espionage, serial killers, conspiracy theories, time travel, etc

Ugh, I worked somewhere with a culture like this. My boss actually sat down once during our one-on-one meeting and gave me the rundown on his impending divorce, complete with him breaking down in tears and describing their complete division of assets and how they hadn’t told their kid yet. It was so uncomfortable, sitting there while he cried, and me trying to think of something to say. After the first few rounds of “I’m so sorry to hear that”, what IS there to say? I didn’t know him all that well and had only worked there for about three months. The meeting was half an hour and it was terribly awkward.

I kept myself to myself at that job, was friendly and helpful but didn’t talk about my personal life. Like, at all. When I was pressed, I ended up saying I liked to read (I do), and when asked how my weekend was I would say it was good, I mostly read. They would ask the book’s title, I would give one. They’d almost never read it, so I got left pretty much alone after that. If they had read it, they’d make a comment, I’d agree and that would be that. I highly recommend this strategy, paired with saying, “I’m a really good listener, because I’m a people person.” For some reason, it makes people talk at you about various topics while thinking that a) you like it, and b) that you’re somehow participating. It makes you popular and you literally don’t have to do anything.

Listening is an excellent skill, especially when you can learn quite a bit from others and plus you usually get some that love talking about themselves

You are being your authentic self - just happens that you value your privacy at work and there's nothing wrong with that. It may be that they're worried that you're being left out a bit and want to let you know that it's ok for you to join in the chitchat. It also might be one of those weird places to work. Just keep doing what you're comfortable with. If pushed you could always let it slip that you're into something a bit risque and it's not appropriate for work 😃

True, I know someone with three 'children'....they are actually pets. They have medical appointments and everything. Said someone only ever refers to them by name for example Molly, Max, Sasha....colleagues assumed the rest. I laughed quietly for years. All praise to the authentic self.

If OP is anything like me, might forget the made up fantasy life and give another version, which would be much worse lol

Perfectly normal.
lie if you need to

I would ask - “Do you want me to be me, and to be productive and happy at work, or is it more important that I pretend to be a different person, but feel uncomfortable at work? Am I here to do a job or to be wacky and zany?”

Just tell your manager this is your authentic self. Not everyone in the world is an extrovert.

OP shouldn't have to. Work places should simply respect boundaries.

i see your point OP, but pick your battles wisely. Make some simple shit up. I have a busy life too with 3 children and a husband who doesn’t do much around the house. I work in one of the cool tech companies and people are always running marathons, hiking, and “over achieving” all the time! I say one of these

1. I went for a long walks
2. listened to music and soaked in the sun
3. Met up with friends
4. Hosted a party
5. family time
6. Life admin
7. went to the beach (WHAT? In winter? Yes! I love the ocean - it’s amazing)

In reality, my weekends are all the same. Weekly shopping, kids activities, getting prepped for the next week, doing small jobs for inlaws, hosting inlaws, etc.

I struggled with this for ages. But now I find saying something in a cheery way that is plausible to be the best way out. If you get a "sharing manager" type it will potentially damage your chances if you don't give them what they ask for. I realised this so I make it up.

So last weekend Ddog had an operation, I spent most of the weekend on the sofa next to her watching TV to stop her pulling the bandage off. So this morning when asked what I did I said something like "DH and I went into town and tried a new cafe that's just opened - so nice to see the shops filling up again! I finished up Sunday watching the new Wild Isles - amazing photography! did anyone else see it?" Say you tried a new recipe for dinner (not cake otherwise they want some!), say you went for a walk somewhere or whatever, I never say anything outlandish just believable stuff. Say it cheery enough and they swallow it. The whole thing then passes on to someone who loves to tell you about their weekend. Job done.

a trip to the tip is always a good one

YANBU. And I say that as someone who is fairly open about their personal life. That's my choice and I respect when my colleagues and team don't want to share. We also have the whole authentic self which is fine but it's okay to have boundaries as well. I don't think it should be detrimental to how you're judged at performance reviews. The company I work for want everyone to be 'involved' in something - social committee, diversity groups, mentoring etc - and if you're not willing, then it's always questioned as to why. What's wrong with just turning up and doing your job well?!

This.

Please don't make stuff up it will only make things worse.

we're told to bring 'our authentic selves' to work.

The horror.

Tell them you want to be known for your professionalism, not your private life. Weird.

Do this.

If anyone says anything, say that you felt pressured about it by your manager and talk about your human right to a private life under Article 8 so deliberately made ridiculous shit up to make a point.

This is great advice. I am a very sociable person but I keep certain things close to my chest. Whilst I don't have carer responsibilities in the same way you do, I work with many people who are younger than me, and the reality of juggling a full time job with two young teens, a house, a dog etc isn't something I think they'd be very interested in. I'm also aware that my big house in the country (that we've worked very hard for) and a rural lifestyle would be very alien to my team who mostly live in Dalston and shoreditch etc. Share what you want to share, be friendly and interested, but we don't feel forced to be someone you're not

I can’t abide all this crap. My last manager was like this asking personal questions.
Always wanting to know what I had done over the weekend. It’s one thing asking did you have a good weekend but quite another asking specifically what you did. Do people accept the response ‘nothing much.’
I get on well with some people at work. I’m not remotely interested in what others have done.