Manager wants me to be more open about my personal life at work - AIBU?

[privstelifeprivate]

I'm in my mid 20s working in quite a young/creative company where most people are middle class 20-30 year olds. It's a very casual and sociable company e.g. there's happy hour in the office, pool tables and we're told to bring 'our authentic selves' to work.

I'm quite reserved with colleagues, I'm friendly and they know a little about my personal life but not much. My manager has started picking up on that, and wants me to become more well-known in the company. An example my manager gave was sharing if I'd done anything interesting at the weekend, and share things I'm passionate about. They gave an example of a colleague who goes hiking and raises money for charity.

AIBU to want to keep my private life private and not this kind of thing brought up as a measure of my performance?

The truth is my life is very different to most of my colleagues. I try and blend in so they would have no idea that I'm not a middle class Oxbridge graduate like they are. I live in a council flat, have had mental health difficulties (that my manager is aware of), and spend most of my free time helping to care for a disabled relative. I don't go hiking, or do much traveling or run marathons or play sport or any of the other things my colleagues do. AIBU to want to keep these things about my life private at work?

I sort of had this in my last contract. We were encouraged to share/talk about families, hobbies and participate in them at work based activities too.

I often just didn’t tell people about my personal life (no partner etc) and luckily some of the nicer people didn’t pry but my main boss certainly liked everyone to share. As someone else said it was very much 2.4 kids, dog type people.

Bizarre and intrusive request from your manager.

Anyway it really is none of his business. I’d say I wasn’t happy sharing.

Only on page 1 and I think you’re entitled to your own private life of course and I was similar but actually opening up a bit more, say about being a carer, you might be buoyed by people’s interest or similar experience and connect with them more. It’s up to you of course but you actually might get something out of opening up a bit more in terms of your friendships at work.

you dont need to tell your colleagues your deepest darkest secrets, just be a tiny bit more open and a bit vague, say i was seeing family at the weekend, or just lazed about and didnt do much,
chat about things you watch on tv etc

Two lesbians probably. Sisters. I'm just watching.

As a pp said, just bang on about a TV programme, a book, or a film, or some music you have heard. Make it a weekend task to pick something like that then box it up in your head as safe for work. They shouldn't be so intrusive, but give the people what they want... And then they should back off a bit about it

In all seriousness, things like this have made me hate and then leave jobs in the past.

Forced "fun".

Personally I think your manager is massively overstepping the mark here to the point I'd be flagging it with HR.

I am friendly with colleagues and do engage in small talk, I share what I can (e.g. what I watched on Netflix or what I did at the weekend). What my manager was saying seemed more than that - e.g. they want me to feature on the company's TikTok account, I don't want to do that.

Your manager is either a well meaning simpleton who needs lessons on people skills, or she is trying to get useful intel on her employees, most likely for her own or the company's gain later on.

Pressurising colleagues to disclose what they've been up to over the weekend put uncomfortable pressure on those whose lives are not rosy. If she had better emotional intelligence, she would know this.

Don't fall for the 'we are like one big family' line either, and don't feel like you need to disclose personal information just because she is willing to. You need to feel comfortable opening up to people in your own time.

Urgh I really hate this crap. While some of the suggestions other posters have made are fabulous, if you're not comfortable with embellishing or telling them to piss off then I would come up with some stock bland activities you can trot out if asked. Like you spent the weekend batch cooking or gardening or doing some DIY. Anything that doesn't warrant many additional questions and is uninteresting enough to go under the radar.

Mmmmmm. Slightly off topic but I have always observed that cliques are just that, cliques. An example of this is team building/bonding days. On return to the workplace when said activity is over you will see the same people moving together. No new friendships fostered or forged. In my opinion this is not about getting to know people better it is an exercise in divisiveness.

I’m going a bit against the grain OP but I think it would be good for you to try and open up a bit more with your colleagues. I was in a similar situation in my 20s, I didn’t have caring responsibilities but came from a different background to Oxbridge colleagues. Years later I can now see my insecurities were meaning I isolated myself and focused more on the barriers than exploring what we may have in common. I’m not suggesting you share lots of personal information but could you start by just discussing a TV programme you’ve watched or if you have a pet just chat about them. Without meaning to you may be coming across as a bit standoffish. I’d focus on saying enough to blend in and you may find that genuine connections actually arise from this. People’s lives are rarely exactly what they seem on the outside.

Office cultures are all unique to the company and I think that if you really genuinely don’t want to socialise and be more open with colleagues this may not be the workplace you are most suited to. If you like the job the reality is that you do need to be seen to be responding to your manager’s feedback. Good luck OP.

But then she would be doing the opposite of being her authentic self?

You don’t have to, unless it’s in your contract and even then that wouldn’t be watertight.
Any decent people manager would respect your boundaries. I’d make those boundaries crystal clear to your manager, and leave it there.

Just seen your update. That would be a hard 'no' from me! The company TikTok? I couldn't think of anything worse.

Oh no, what do they want you to do on TikTok?

Oh god yasonbu. I've had this kind of dross in the workplace, getting worse over the last ten years or so and hanker for the long list days when you came into work, did your job then went home, with maybe a night out at Christmas and a whip round when someone had a baby.

As pp have said, tell them your authentic self is an introverted hermit.

No, I would absolutely detest this. I am a very private person and extremely shy. I do not like to mix work with private life. I would be telling the manager that I'm just not comfortable sharing like that and you're happy as you are.

My work do this authentic self shit. They really, really don't want authentic me at work. Professional me is bad enough at being corporate and sensible. Authentic me has even less tolerance for idiots and corporate bullshit.

My team see proper me and rather surprisingly are ok with it. The powers that be have not been appreciative when I tried the whole authentic self stuff. I mean, if you ask how I am, you should at least be prepared for the truth...

Yes! Why can't we just do our jobs and leave it there?

Don’t make anything up, people will see straight through it.

Tell your manager “Manager, I know it’s an important part of our company culture that we bring our authentic selves to work, and I really like and admire that about the company. But you need to understand that my authentic self is a relatively private person. I am not shy, I am private. I don’t think asking me to behave in a way that feels inauthentic to me is consistent with company culture, or helpful to workplace dymanics. I keep my private life private, for personal reasons, and I ask that you respect that.”

Love this. Is so true. What they REALLY mean when they say bring your authentic self to work is that they want you to change your entire personality and private life at home to be the person you are at work. 🤢

Sadly, I believe that this is wise advice to consider, despite my prickliness at your managers expectations.

Could you share all the boring stuff for your own entertainment. They won’t keep hassling you then. Washed the car, hoovered the house, went to Tesco…..