Manager wants me to be more open about my personal life at work - AIBU?

[privstelifeprivate]

I'm in my mid 20s working in quite a young/creative company where most people are middle class 20-30 year olds. It's a very casual and sociable company e.g. there's happy hour in the office, pool tables and we're told to bring 'our authentic selves' to work.

I'm quite reserved with colleagues, I'm friendly and they know a little about my personal life but not much. My manager has started picking up on that, and wants me to become more well-known in the company. An example my manager gave was sharing if I'd done anything interesting at the weekend, and share things I'm passionate about. They gave an example of a colleague who goes hiking and raises money for charity.

AIBU to want to keep my private life private and not this kind of thing brought up as a measure of my performance?

The truth is my life is very different to most of my colleagues. I try and blend in so they would have no idea that I'm not a middle class Oxbridge graduate like they are. I live in a council flat, have had mental health difficulties (that my manager is aware of), and spend most of my free time helping to care for a disabled relative. I don't go hiking, or do much traveling or run marathons or play sport or any of the other things my colleagues do. AIBU to want to keep these things about my life private at work?

YANBU at all. I hate workplaces that try and force friendships like this. It’s work - do what’s required, get paid and get out..: the whole ‘pool table / happy hour’ is a ploy to get employees to spend more time doing (unpaid) working hours

'Feature' you on Tiktok? Are you ticking some diversity boxes they're keen to showcase?
How are you with turning conversations back to people? I have found that most questioners are really just hoping for an opportunity to tell you about themselves. So you could mention you cooked x recipe and ask if they enjoy cooking, or you hate the taste of y, are there foods they avoid etc.
If you get good at asking questions and really listening to the answers, most people will be only too happy to converse.

Oh hell no! I’d be making something up about being in witness protection before I allowed myself to be exploited on social media for work!!! Vile!

This bring your' authentic self' - translates as we want a load of hipsters who all think they are frighteningly individual but in reality are usually clones of each other

I can't abide the whole 'bring your whole self to work' utterly cringey! 🙄

"My disabled relative/friend who I support in my time away from the office is not interested in featuring in a TikTok video promoting this company. I find it odd (at best) that you would even infer such a thing when you know my personal circumstances"

"I appreciate the support you give me on a day to day basis (obvious bollocks but you want them gone) but the practical reality is that my life is quite different from my colleagues and I would prefer you didn't draw attention to it. I'll be sure to record anything newsworthy if it happens."

Or the alternative is
"Hell no, I'm not a performing monkey. That's what interns are for!"

my authentic self is not a sharer. Asking me to share is therefore asking me to me someone I am not.

I'd love you to say this. But if you've not been there long and there's any chance that it could be used against you, maybe not.
I hate this stuff though. No-one should feel compelled to bring their home life to work. I'm a compartmentaliser, and work was work and home was home. I was friendly and pleasant to everyone, but no, I didn't want any colleagues as FB friends, even the ones I loved.

My authentic me, is trust no one, no one is who they seem, people may have different agendas, I like friends but people who you can presume would have no Machiavellian perspectives.

Be friendly but firm OP. Your boundaries are important and you can also explain that as a carer you need to protect your vulnerable person and their privacy too.

Many companies now want to put their staff on socials to make the company look shiny and fabulous. ‘Look at our totally committed team of marathon running, rhino rescuing, crrrrazy but caring freestyle snowboarders!’ The ‘authenticity’ thing is just another marketing exercise and costs the company zero.

Bore him to death.

😂omg are you me?!

@Fraaahnces is always on my wavelength x

'Authentic self' and 'bringing your whole self to work' are nauseating phrases. What (I hope) they mean in the old tongue is 'hobbies and interests'. I'm fine with this: other people's hobbies are boring. I doubt any of my colleagues are likely to remember the standard crap: that outside work I ride, swim, bake cakes with my kid, and am something of an amateur artist. That's when (meagre) time permits, considering the way they overwork us. And who actually cares about this stuff?

I had a colleague whose stock response, when asked what he'd done at the weekend, was 'nothing exciting, just pottering about!' But really, good for him. My workplace don't need to know about the emotional battering I'm taking from trying to support my desperately sick, final-stage alcoholic brother, about my interaction with the Forward Trust, about the illnesses and deaths of family members, or that sometimes I'm so exhausted and worn down by this that my weekends can be pretty unproductive. Nor do they need to know about my sexuality or 'gender', spiritual beliefs, personal tastes, or other private stuff.

It's when they start asking for these things that I object. There have been several threads around this theme on MN of late and I've seen it in my own workplace, with intrusive questions asked during the performance reviews/appraisals that puts both employees and line managers in an awkward situation. The constant banging on about Mental Health and Wellbeing also drives me nuts. Relentlessly talking in this vein is like a self-fulfilling prophecy: there comes a point when it makes things worse and even create problems when you might have been ticking along fine before.

The personal stuff is my line in the sand. I'm not liking the intrusive culture of the 2023 workplace.

Tbh I don't know why you've chosen to work at a place like that of that's not your thing, surely that came across during the interview process? You should look for another role as you're not going to fit into the company culture. You can't be authentic if you're not willing to even open up about something as basic as what you did in the weekend. It's not fair to everyone else, if that's your attitude.

YANBU. I am happy to divulge some things with colleagues but ultimately my life outside of work is my business. I think it’s quite an odd comment from your manager tbh. If you not comfortable don’t do it

Someone up thread posted a good response about being your authentic self and that is the type of person that doesn't share much about their lives outside of work with what is happening inside of work.

I have thought of another way you can phrase this. You have a healthy work-life balance and your authentic self is someone that gives your work 110% when you're at work but when you're finished, you close the door on that and you then give 110% to your home life. You like to keep the two of these completely separate for your mental wellbeing. You don't like being pressured into sharing things that aren't going to influence how you go about doing your job.
Also for data protection, you're not happy with the possibility of being forced to take part in corporate TikTok videos. Some are happy to take part but no one should feel forced to and you are feeling forced to.

Pool tables and happy hour (see also hall chairs, bean bag areas, sleep pods) sound like the best perks when you first look for 'graduate' jobs but the older I got the more I see these things as red flags tbh. The more 'fun' they dress up the office as the more of your 'own fun/ actual life/ own time' gets impinged on.

" I spend my free time caring for a disabled relative ."

That should shut him up

Agreed re 'fun' perks actually doing a lot of masking faults in company culture.

Was this part of a performance review/ scheduled 1-1? I'd actually want to put your manager straight.

Could you speak to your manager privately saying 'I appreciate the feedback and understand that it's a friendly culture here. However, my time outside work is largely taken up with my caring responsibilities and I don't feel comfortable talking openly about those out of respect for my relative's privacy.

I'm sure you weren't deliberately trying to make me feel othered or uncomfortable but the way I manage having both work and caring responsibilities is by keeping the two, and any free time, quite separate.

I'm more than happy to be friendly to the rest of the team and hope to get to know them over time, but I'm not in a position to talk about going hiking or jumping out of planes or over landing in Antarctica at weekends as that simply isn't the lifestyle I have. I assure you that I have been, and will continue to be honest, professional and authentic (whatever that means but humour him) at work, but as I say, this can't include talking to everyone about my relative's care.' Then follow up with an email.

@SalviaDivinorum I agree that private lives are private, and that should be enough to simply say that. And not have to make up stuff to conform or fit in with this ridiculousness.

I work in HR and am completely against all this, it's cringy and something that I'd wager 95% of those in the workplace don't want to do.

Last year I had to walk away from a job and company that I loved because of this kind of nonsense. My manager back then was fully subscribed to all this and the whole 'Work Family' thing whereas I just wanted to do my job to the best of my abilities especially as a private person who likes to have firm boundaries and a work/life balance.

She said that because I was in HR (or the 'People Team' as she rebranded it), it was even more important that I was seen and it got to the point where she was sending me cringy motivational quotes to share on the company Team channels. The stress it was causing me was horrendous especially as an introvert, I almost suffered burnout from it as it felt like my actual work was not enough and she wanted me to change my entire personality to fit in with her view of how the company culture should be.

I find the whole thing really infantilises employees and makes it feel like you're at school having to tell the teachers any problems you might have. I think someone mentioned that managers who push this whole agenda also don't have much going on in their life outside of work, this was definitely the case with my former manager - she literally lived and breathed it, working all hours and giving up her weekends for the company.

I'm not sure what you can really do as the kind of people that push this sort of culture are usually the ones that end up in the senior roles and positions of power. End of the day, I had to find a new job.

Just to add, don't start lying about outlandish things. It'll be embarrassing if you slip up as people will probably assume you're lying to seem more exciting or fit in rather than just get them off your back. you don't want a reputation as a bullshitter. If anything just be vague about what you did at the weekend. It's honestly fine. I don't know if it's my line of work but I've been party to some outrageous oversharing and would much prefer a nice simple 'it was very nice thanks, didnt go far. yours?!'

Sounds awful but I can imagine a lot of start-ups are like this. If you otherwise like the job and don't think it'll eventually result in them getting rid of you then ignore it.

Even though attitudes have changed over the past 10-15 years, there will be those who are gay or lesbian who may wish to keep this private, and those who may be considering transgendering likewise.

To give examples of why it is reasonable to want to keep some aspects of your life private.

I'm very private and only share with those I am really close to.

This authentic oversharing nonsense is the opposite of inclusion. Not everyone wants to share. I've found that when I have been forced to share it has been used against me. I would tell him that this has made you feel uncomfortable.

I was told once that I didn't gel with the rest of the team. That's right for the first time in my entire career I didn't gel with them. Because they over shared and did
not stop talking. But management do not want to see what the actual problem is.

Your employer is not your friend. No matter if they think they are.