Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Manager wants me to be more open about my personal life at work - AIBU?

220 replies

privstelifeprivate · 12/03/2023 19:31

I'm in my mid 20s working in quite a young/creative company where most people are middle class 20-30 year olds. It's a very casual and sociable company e.g. there's happy hour in the office, pool tables and we're told to bring 'our authentic selves' to work.

I'm quite reserved with colleagues, I'm friendly and they know a little about my personal life but not much. My manager has started picking up on that, and wants me to become more well-known in the company. An example my manager gave was sharing if I'd done anything interesting at the weekend, and share things I'm passionate about. They gave an example of a colleague who goes hiking and raises money for charity.

AIBU to want to keep my private life private and not this kind of thing brought up as a measure of my performance?

The truth is my life is very different to most of my colleagues. I try and blend in so they would have no idea that I'm not a middle class Oxbridge graduate like they are. I live in a council flat, have had mental health difficulties (that my manager is aware of), and spend most of my free time helping to care for a disabled relative. I don't go hiking, or do much traveling or run marathons or play sport or any of the other things my colleagues do. AIBU to want to keep these things about my life private at work?

OP posts:
cornflakegeneration · 12/03/2023 21:42

privstelifeprivate · 12/03/2023 21:30

I am friendly with colleagues and do engage in small talk, I share what I can (e.g. what I watched on Netflix or what I did at the weekend). What my manager was saying seemed more than that - e.g. they want me to feature on the company's TikTok account, I don't want to do that.

FUCK that

Theunamedcat · 12/03/2023 21:43

Your authentic self is shy reserved and private why are they trying to change you

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 12/03/2023 21:46

BobBobBobbing · 12/03/2023 21:34

My work do this authentic self shit. They really, really don't want authentic me at work. Professional me is bad enough at being corporate and sensible. Authentic me has even less tolerance for idiots and corporate bullshit.

My team see proper me and rather surprisingly are ok with it. The powers that be have not been appreciative when I tried the whole authentic self stuff. I mean, if you ask how I am, you should at least be prepared for the truth...

Yeah, you sound like me. My response would be 'You want my authentic self? are you absolutely sure about that?'

Italiangreyhound · 12/03/2023 21:51

YANBU at all.

I think that it sounds like the expectations are wrong.

Just share as much as you feel able to/wish to.

I also hope you get some respite time when looking after your disabled relative. Just for you.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 12/03/2023 21:54

DinaFox · 12/03/2023 21:33

Just seen your update. That would be a hard 'no' from me! The company TikTok? I couldn't think of anything worse.

Show quote history

Same here! Big fat no and bigger off politely would be my response!

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 12/03/2023 21:54

Bugger…

Justalittlebitduckling · 12/03/2023 21:55

There are so many subtle ways that workplaces communicate that some people don’t fit in. If you like your manager, I would have a respectful chat about everything you’ve said here and say that you think you being something unique and valuable to the company because of your background and life circumstances but you find it difficult to talk about because you don’t want to be a Debbie downer. It sounds like the upbeat kind of workplace where they wouldn’t want someone ruining the vibe with more serious life experiences.

Pompom12 · 12/03/2023 21:56

I've been in a similar situation in the past. Looking back, I wish I had invented some hobbies that could be the means that they could know me a bit better by...e.g.
"I'm learning to cook Thai food and usually try a recipe at the weekend"... Then the conversation could just be about which latest dish I made..
"I enjoy listening to jazz/country/folk/world music".. then they could ask which artist
"I'm a history nut and I'm currently learning about the lives of women in 16th century England".. then they could ask why and what I like finding out ...
"I'm building a bug hotel for my garden" ... Have you got any residents yet?
"I'm completing a photography project of photographing 10 ....(things of the same type, flowers, buildings, cars etc) then they can ask about progress.
I know they're a bit silly, but it might just keep them off your back for a while...

Justalittlebitduckling · 12/03/2023 21:58

privstelifeprivate · 12/03/2023 21:30

I am friendly with colleagues and do engage in small talk, I share what I can (e.g. what I watched on Netflix or what I did at the weekend). What my manager was saying seemed more than that - e.g. they want me to feature on the company's TikTok account, I don't want to do that.

Do you tick a/some diversity box by any chance? If so that might be why they’re pushing you to be on the tick-tock. It reminds me of that episode of Scrubs when Turk was being hounded to be in the prospectus or something like that.

Mrsvyvyan · 12/03/2023 21:59

Whatever happened to the work personal life divide. I don’t think it’s healthy for work places to be so intrusive. One of my colleagues keeps being nosy because I was quiet one day, pushing and pushing asking what’s wrong. I find it inappropriate. I also think it’s inappropriate to be babbling on about your worries on your personal life, I actually try to escape my worries at work and put them in a box so that I can do my job. So sympathies op. Don’t let the nosy bastards grind you down.

MathiasBroucek · 12/03/2023 22:02

It sounds like this is part of the culture where you work. Can you live with it?

NumberTheory · 12/03/2023 22:07

I would just tell her you aren’t paid to share your personal life. You think she is naive if she cannot recognize that her suggestions would make you vulnerable to classist and disablist discrimination. And that you’d really like to become better known at work for your expertise and proven track record - so does she have any ideas on how to push that side instead.

In the meantime, if this is a career you want to do well in and your current company is typical for the industry, I would start looking for a pass time or interest that will be well received. Because, unfortunately, she isn’t wrong that social networking is an effective way of getting on in the work place.

louderthan · 12/03/2023 22:08

Sounds awful. I'm so glad I'm
in the public sector where this shit doesn't fly. I just can't imagine how anyone can say these things with a straight face. Utterly ridiculous.

Just tell them you're really into dogging and hopefully they'll leave you alone.

Trixielo · 12/03/2023 22:14

Very well put. Although if the OP’s manager has a low EQ they might still not get it!

Hawkins003 · 12/03/2023 22:16

@privstelifeprivate
I understand your perspectives and reservations,

what about crafting a profile for yourself that blends part reality with part shall we say a protective barrier to the truth, that way you achieve both aims of being private while appearing to be more of a team player ?

NumberTheory · 12/03/2023 22:18

privstelifeprivate · 12/03/2023 21:30

I am friendly with colleagues and do engage in small talk, I share what I can (e.g. what I watched on Netflix or what I did at the weekend). What my manager was saying seemed more than that - e.g. they want me to feature on the company's TikTok account, I don't want to do that.

On this front I would say you’d be happy if it was entirely focused on your professional role, but you are not prepared to have your personal life on the Internet (and if it was intended to cover your personal life I would probably add some judgmental comment about it being irresponsible of the company to encourage people to expose themselves given how toxic social media can be, especially for women).

I would also wonder, as a previous poster suggested, that they wanted to focus on you because you ticked some diversity box. This can be good, and if they are going to use it to try and recruit more people who are more like you, it might end up benefitting you. But more often the focus is entirely on the company being able to tick boxes and claim it’s being “good” at your expense and nothing whatsoever about actually being more diverse or about supporting you in a meaningful way. That’s why I’d be happy to do it if the focus were entirely professional, but not if they wanted to highlight whatever it is that made me an unusual hire.

Dotcheck · 12/03/2023 22:19

Dacadactyl · 12/03/2023 19:35

I'd go back to the manager and just say you're not up for sharing information about yourself.

⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️

Rightsraptor · 12/03/2023 22:21

Your colleague apparently goes hiking to raise money for charity, whereas you spend time caring for a disabled relative. If it's a competition (not saying it is, mind) you get my vote. Please don't do yourself down, with the council flat/not been to Oxbridge etc, because you are the one doing the hard stuff, not them.

lanadelgrey · 12/03/2023 22:29

Really sympathise. I had a boss like that before it has a tag of being ‘authentic’. Like you I was caring for ill family members - lunchtimes spent chasing medical appts or social worker and weekends rushing off to see them. It was utterly miserable when all the office talk was gigs, meals out etc. Practise want you want to tell the manager and arrange to speak to them privately. My nadir was the manager’s jolly ruse that we did a wall of pictures of ourselves as kids. I didn’t have any and really didn’t want to have to explain why. Grim and alienating.

MaidOfSteel · 12/03/2023 22:33

Employers seem to want blood these days, don't they. What's wrong with employees who are committed and focused on doing a good job while they're at work? Why bring in policies like this that are intrusive and will make many people uncomfortable.

I think I'd say to the manager that I enjoy my work as it's a distraction or respite from home life and, for that reason, you like to keep the two thing separate.

Carry on as you are with general chat and politely refuse anything that you are not comfortable with. Your manager knows you have mental health issues so forcing you to do things that could make things worse could be viewed as not taking a disabling condition into account.

PigeonPlayingChicken · 12/03/2023 22:37

Bring your authentic self - what a load of wank. Couldn't have put it better myself.

CantGetDecentNickname · 12/03/2023 22:45

Theunamedcat · 12/03/2023 21:43

Your authentic self is shy reserved and private why are they trying to change you

Something like the above. You could say "I'm an introvert who doesn't like to be on social media".

If they believe in having a diverse workplace where everyone can be their authentic self, then they must accept that some people like to keep work and personal life separate and keep their personal life private. Your manager really can't argue with this. You are entitled to not be like her or share her views. Forcing you to conform with their idea of acceptable behaviour actually prevents you from having psychological safety in the workplace and from being your authentic self.

xprincessxjanetx · 12/03/2023 22:48

If anyone wanted me on TikTok they'd have to kill me first and parade my corpse on there.

Paulisexcluded · 12/03/2023 22:59

I have quote a tough life outside of work including caring for a disabled relative like you. I do share details, but sometimes I wish I hadn't as I sometimes feel that nobody wants to hear about that. Sometimes colleagues are supportive though. I don't tell everyone. Bit putting pressure is not right. I agree that your authentic self can be someone who keeps details about life outside work private. Good luck with it all.

NumberTheory · 12/03/2023 23:01

Rightsraptor · 12/03/2023 22:21

Your colleague apparently goes hiking to raise money for charity, whereas you spend time caring for a disabled relative. If it's a competition (not saying it is, mind) you get my vote. Please don't do yourself down, with the council flat/not been to Oxbridge etc, because you are the one doing the hard stuff, not them.

This sounds like the sort of naivety her manager is suffering from. I don’t think OP is doing herself down to recognize that, in an environment where most people don’t have to do the hard stuff, she is unlikely to really be lauded for being one of those that do. More likely she’ll receive pity or patronizing lip service about her efforts but not the sort of admiration that will translate into better professional relationships or promotion.