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AIBU?

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Original poster

Inheritance. 'Friend' crying poor.

382 replies

mercylews · 10/03/2023 13:13

My husband passed away in August last year. We both lived very nice lives and both had great careers. I still do and will never give up working. Ever. He died very unexpectedly but was healthy. (The reason I mention this is to hone in on the level of grief and shock I had experienced). We were fortunate enough to live in a very nice part of London as well as have property elsewhere in the world. Since he passed... the questions that have come my way regarding money have been mind-blowing to say the least. Crass crass crass. People have had no qualms about asking me what I am going to do with 'the properties' and 'the money'. Even the phrase 'the money' makes my skin crawl.

But more than that, what's shocked me is the amount of people who come to me asking me to invest in their businesses, 'pick my brain' for financial advice. One even 'jokingly' asked me to buy a home as an investment that her and her 3 year old could live in and she oh-so-sweetly offered to pay me rent... but 'mates rate rent'. Then started laughing awkwardly. I understand that this is to be expected a little given his profile shall we way... but it is still shocking - and yet I know I shouldn't be surprised. I hate the word 'inheritance'. It cheapens the relationship you shared with someone and is so clinical.

This same person who asked me to buy another home (because that's normal, right?) has since cried poor at every opportunity and ALLLLLLL she talks about how hard up she is. If I mention I am out of the house for the day, she will immediately reply with 'Ohhhhhhh, I misssss going out! But then I had a kid and now I have not nothing!!!! HAHAHAHA' Bear in mind if I am out for the day; it's to get some air, cry, grieve. I have not been partying since my husband died....!?!? If anything... I have become a bit of a loner.

(She is in a bind because of her own bad choices and she had a child with a waster of a man who screwed her over). She keeps talking about how great my life must be... I can promise you; it is not. Her idea of 'fun' is drinks and shopping and travelling the world yet she doesn't have to funds to do it and now that she has a child, I feel like she uses him as a way to 'cry poor' to me. Yesterday was the final straw as she moaned about not having money to fund his nursery fees and said 'But if only I had help...' and trailed off from here. Horrible to say the least.

I have valued my financial independence and can still manage to live the same life I had lived even before meeting my husband due to my own background/career except now my life is surrounded by people constantly wanting to talk about money. I feel dirty even writing this post. I just want to cry.

Please note I'm being careful to not say too much in this post as it may be outing to my H and others.

OP posts:
Catlover6 · 11/03/2023 20:58

Op I’m sorry for your loss and sorry you have had to listen to insensitive comments on here as well as in real life.

I actually can’t believe the cheek of the ‘ friend’ asking you to buy her a house! I’m bristling with rage on your behalf.

It must be hard to have to think about the whole issue of distancing yourself when you are grieving. Even if these people aren’t close.

But it’s better to see people who can comfort you and who care about you.

Iflyaway · 11/03/2023 20:59

send her a link

Ridiculous advice. Way to get her claws into you even more.

Time to cull this "friendship".

Sorry for your loss OP.

Sophie2022x · 11/03/2023 21:13

I’m sorry for the loss of your husband, it must be an awful lot to cope with and by the sounds of it and not with the right support :( that saddens me.

I think maybe you need to invest in some time outside your area/town where people know you or of your wealth, maybe visit a little village outside of London and have a few friendly conversation and you may possibly meet someone who will only know what you allow. Set boundaries as it seems a little too late with this person.

And if you ever need a pen pal or a normal none important conversation over absolute rubbish I’m sure you can always come on here!!

Beelezebub · 11/03/2023 21:13

This woman is NOT your friend. Not in any capacity.

LoisLane66 · 11/03/2023 21:14

I'm just gobsmacked at one poster, who seemed to agree that a single woman with a child would not be out of line in asking for help or indeed suggesting the OP could buy a house and rent it for mates rates - which are NOT 'fair rent' but a subsidised rate. Did that woman ever suggest it before the OP lost her husband? 🤔 I very much doubt it.
Indeed, with thick skinned people like that you need to be equally thick skinned and ignore.
Don't pander to them. You're not responsible for the living standards of other people NOR should you be made to feel obliged to help.
I certainly wouldn't...but that's just me. The cheek of some people knows no bounds.

Jux · 11/03/2023 21:24

Iit's extraordinary isn't it, LoisLane?

OP, is there any reason why you haven't actually said to this woman "of course I'll buy a house I don't want and give you money, as much as you want - in your dreams deario" yet?

Sshiamreading · 11/03/2023 21:30

whumpthereitis · 10/03/2023 17:44

Indeed. If you haven’t got your own children to pay for, rest assured there’ll be someone who thinks that means you should pay for theirs.

Show quote history

Exactly. These sort of people seem to think you have endless money to spend on the kids that they chose to have, and once they become used to it, you’ll barely get a thank you let alone any other token of appreciation 🙄

Naddd · 11/03/2023 21:32

mercylews · 11/03/2023 20:04

I'm going to guess you are being deliberately aggressive or deliberately antagonising - but I'll play along if that helps you. You were happy to pick apart my OP, so I'll do the same for yours.

If you do find it (as you say) 'soooo hard to believe that this mother friend would approach OP' - I'm not sure why you commented. You go onto say: 'why is OP continuing to endure these inappropriate statements?' So you either believe me or you don't - yet admit the statements are indeed inappropriate.

Yes; she has made bad choices and did have a child with a waster of a man. That was her choice. Her waster of a man already had three kids with his ex-wife and wasn't - and still isn't a good father to his two girls and one boy from his ex. To me, that is not a good choice nor a good life partner. As it turned out... he isn't a good father to her boy too. Shocking, I know(!) That's on him as he is terrible - something I noted in my OP.

Yes; she did indeed ask me to buy a house as an 'investment' and for her to live in it - and then started awkwardly talking about 'but only with mates-rates rent' - and then awkwardly started laughing about it - something I noted in my OP. You say that 'mates rates' can be fair rent. Sure. Of course.

But you do realise for this to happen; I would actually have to... BUY ANOTHER HOUSE..?!

You then go on and label me as 'ungenerous' for not wanting to buy said house.... (because it would make no financial difference to me)?!

You also go on to rant/rave about how hard it is for single mothers to buy a house - as if her inability to not be able to afford a house for her and her boy rests on my shoulders...?

You then say: 'I know we all need to pick who to help, if I gave a quid to every person in the street who asked me I'd be destitute myself.'

Yes; and if I had to help everyone who asked/hinted to me of that very help after my husband died (especially in the form of business investments and house purchases); I'd be destitute too. See how that works?

Yes; I did say: 'her idea of 'fun' is drinks and shopping and travelling the world yet she doesn't have to funds to do it and now that she has a child, I feel like she uses him as a way to 'cry poor' to me.'

I also said in my other posts that she seems to resent her choices in life - and also her very child for not being able to afford all the things she wants at that very moment in time - and constantly tells me how great I have it/how great my life must be... you know... after my HUSBAND DIED...?

We can all want nice things - there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. But we can't always get what we want in life - and as a result of that - we shouldn't expect our family - or worse - FRIENDS - to fund our lifestyles...?!

It has been said many times by many people in the previous comments on this thread just how badly they've been treated upon losing a spouse - or any family member/friends. Horrific stories about people wanting handouts/crying poor as soon as these leeches realise their friend/family member has an 'inheritance' or are now in sole charge of joint finances.

If that makes me 'ungenerous' as you say - as well as a liar (or someone bending the sad truth) as you claim in your first paragraph - then I am ok with those labels.

You seem to have an issue with the economic climate/unfairness in the world - and that's fair given how hard life can be for single mothers/women etc... but it sounds like you've made some terrible choices in your life and are very defensive and lashing out at me.

Show quote history

No no op! Chevvybaby is completely correct and you must buy a house immediately whilst only charging a peppercorn rent! In fact no rent at all, actually no scrap that just buy HER a house.

sammylady37 · 11/03/2023 21:43

OP, I am genuinely sorry for the awful loss you have endured and I commend you for how you have dealt with the posters here who have sought to justify how your ‘friend’ behaved. You’ve shown a patience and fortitude that are truly admirable, under the circumstances.

DragonsFurry · 11/03/2023 21:45

TBH I find this thread a bit gloaty…it’s almost as if your “poor” single mum friend is in some way making you feel more superior or something.

I’m sorry about your loss OP and no of course you don’t have to buy your friend a house to live in but the tone of your posts is a bit off and judgy tbh.

oakleaffy · 11/03/2023 21:53

@mercylews
Kick these greedy monsters into touch.

A cousin of Mum's inherited some money , and a wretched friend of hers who wanted her to ''Loan money'' for crappy business plan, and got a very large sum off Mum's cousin..anyway..Cousin died unexpectedly, of a sudden illness and the wretched friend didn't then want to pay the money owed back to the family!
Do not indulge these greedy grabbers.

MermaidMummy06 · 11/03/2023 22:14

There are more people about like this than you realise. Even when in our early 20's, DH & I were saving, getting a buffer on our mortgage (ok, and travelling) while others partied & people came knocking for a 'loan' of our paltry savings or calling us 'rich'.

So we learned to give the impression we have no extra money. We don't cry poor, just live frugally and don't blab about our situation to anyone. It has its negatives, as we're seen as poor or boring because we don't splash cash or boast, but we're doing just fine.

Just say casually you don't have the money to buy another property / invest / risk losing. You have enough for your retirement and can't afford to compromise that. If you say you don't have it and bluntly won't part with your money, the comments will stop. Actually, all contact will probably stop.

Crayfishforyou · 11/03/2023 22:17

YANBU
I’m so sorry for the loss of your DH.
I wouldn’t bother arguing your case with this woman. Ghost her/block her/tell her to just fuck off.

Funfamilytimes · 11/03/2023 22:37

@mercylews that long post you replied to is crazy. That’s the attitude of the world owes them something. People always say never mix business and pleasure… personally I think.. renting out a place to a friend will only end badly. Especially someone who says mates rates! I’m really sorry your husband has died and so suddenly. Focus on yourself and your nice friends/family ❤️

ChellyT · 11/03/2023 22:59

Chevybaby · 11/03/2023 19:29

I just find it soooo hard to believe that this mother friend would approach OP in this way if they weren't in fact real friends before. If they aren’t really friends, why is OP continuing to endure these inappropriate statements? I think there's way more to this and OP is ripping apart her friend's behaviour to make herself feel better about not being willing to help.

For balance:

She is in a bind because of her own bad choices and she had a child with a waster of a man who screwed her over". How judgmental is this?? This planet is absolutely bursting at the seams with women who had babies with guys who were really wonderful to begin with but then turned into bullying monsters and/or completely bailed on them and the bairns when life got tough.

One even 'jokingly' asked me to buy a home as an investment that her and her 3 year old could live in and she oh-so-sweetly offered to pay me rent... but 'mates rate rent'. Then started laughing awkwardly.
Mates rates rent could really just mean fair rent. Honestly how a single working mother affords a bedroom for themselves and one or more children in 2023 is beyond me. Where I live 2 bed flats that sell for £120k (so what, £450 per month mortgage) are rented for £1400+ pcm right now!
So yes I really don't understand why the above is such an absurd suggestion, it's not like she's asking for anything for free. What's really absurd is the idea that someone just has millions sitting in the bank doing nothing when they could actually enable a mother and her young child to have a secure home at literally no financial inconvenience to themselves. I know we all need to pick who to help, if I gave a quid to every person in the street who asked me I'd be destitute myself. But I really don't think what the pal suggested is on the whole a mad concept.

Her idea of 'fun' is drinks and shopping and travelling the world yet she doesn't have to funds to do it and now that she has a child, I feel like she uses him as a way to 'cry poor' to me.
Umm I'm pretty sure traveling and wine and buying nice things is a lot of people's idea of fun.
And by using her child “as a way to cry poor me”, do you
possibly mean “discusses how difficult it is to raise a toddler in a society that seems to have been designed to keep mothers down”? Childcare: unaffordable. Many workplaces: unflexible. Benefits: unliveable. For many it’s a no-win situation no matter how hard they try and too right they might complain about it.

I actually feel dead sad for the friend that she is so desperate that she would go as far as to approach someone as ungenerous as you OP for help.
I'm truly sorry for your loss but I think you are not being fair or indeed kind in this instance. You don't have to help her if you don't want to but you don't need to make her out to be a monster.

You're a miserable CF @Chevybaby

Original poster
mercylews · 11/03/2023 23:07

ChellyT · 11/03/2023 22:59

You're a miserable CF @Chevybaby

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@ChellyT Exactly right! You summed it up perfectly

OP posts:
RobertaFirmino · 11/03/2023 23:09

Please accept my condolences - I'm willing to bet you'd swap everything for a bedsit in Hull if it meant you could have your husband back.

I'm shocked at the barefaced cheek of this woman. And at some of the posts on this thread - I don't think you sound sneery or gloaty at all. You seem honest and insightful - I think you'd make a great friend, even if you had 2p to your name.

That's what you deserve, better friendships. Especially at this time in your life. Friends who care about you, not what you have. Perhaps it is time to go NC with her. You will make other pals throughout life. I hope you are able to move forward in time and I wish you all the best.

CountessWindyBottom · 11/03/2023 23:13

I'm so sorry for your loss OP, what a terrible shock.

I'd cut contact with this woman as it's obviously causing you added upset which you would do without right now. If she does get the opportunity to grift again I'd just say 'don't go asking me for anything, all investments are tied up for blah blah blah years and I don't have anything...tinkly laugh'

Just cut her out of your life, she is bringing nothing to the table.

whumpthereitis · 11/03/2023 23:14

DragonsFurry · 11/03/2023 21:45

TBH I find this thread a bit gloaty…it’s almost as if your “poor” single mum friend is in some way making you feel more superior or something.

I’m sorry about your loss OP and no of course you don’t have to buy your friend a house to live in but the tone of your posts is a bit off and judgy tbh.

Superior to a woman trying to exploit her whilst she’s vulnerable? Trying to benefit from OP’s bereavement by crying about choices she freely made? Well yes, by virtue of you know, not doing any of the above, OP is indeed superior.

Tbh I’m not seeing how judging an obvious grifter is some great sin either.

KTMeetsTheRsUptown · 11/03/2023 23:54

Womblemumma · 10/03/2023 13:22

Block her. She is not a friend and is using your grief and vulnerability to try to get a hand out.
you deserve better than that. I’m so sorry you are going through this in your time of bereavement. 🌺

Totally agree with this.
So sorry for your loss OP, you definitely don't need people like this around you.

declutteringmymind · 12/03/2023 00:16

Sounds like you're both in different places, and don't have much in common. It can't be any good for her spending time with you wishing she had your finances. I'd back away gently. Just be busy.

Atsocta · 12/03/2023 01:30

Biilie82 · 11/03/2023 17:56

???? How is this relevant?

Show quote history

That’s what I thought!

TheHateIsNotGood · 12/03/2023 01:31

Don't take it too personally OP, just say No. Unfortunately it's a people thing not just the particular people you know.

I recall some people/friends that tried to extract money from me after a very hard fought for small settlement in the 1990s; we're all still friends, most likely because I said No.

T1Dmama · 12/03/2023 01:35

I think next time she texts and says how lucky you are, you should reply and say
“LUCKY?!” Are you fucking joking?

and leave it there! Make her realise how upsetting and insensitive she’s been!

Or just tell her outright that you do not mix money/financial agreements with friendships .. and leave it there…

Otherwise mention to one of the mutuel friends that her constant reference to your finances is upsetting you and ask them to have a word on your behalf!

Dawncleo62 · 12/03/2023 01:43

I had a problem when my partner died, his daughter caused me some real pain. I ended up going away to my family 300 miles away. She wanted to know where his ashes were & what happens to the house?! The house had always been mine & he wanted to “ come home”. I told her the house was mine, his ashes were on the coffee table & she had already inherited 20k from his Will. I went NC. You have yourself to heal & cut her out of your life!