Inheritance. 'Friend' crying poor.

[mercylews]

My husband passed away in August last year. We both lived very nice lives and both had great careers. I still do and will never give up working. Ever. He died very unexpectedly but was healthy. (The reason I mention this is to hone in on the level of grief and shock I had experienced). We were fortunate enough to live in a very nice part of London as well as have property elsewhere in the world. Since he passed... the questions that have come my way regarding money have been mind-blowing to say the least. Crass crass crass. People have had no qualms about asking me what I am going to do with 'the properties' and 'the money'. Even the phrase 'the money' makes my skin crawl.

But more than that, what's shocked me is the amount of people who come to me asking me to invest in their businesses, 'pick my brain' for financial advice. One even 'jokingly' asked me to buy a home as an investment that her and her 3 year old could live in and she oh-so-sweetly offered to pay me rent... but 'mates rate rent'. Then started laughing awkwardly. I understand that this is to be expected a little given his profile shall we way... but it is still shocking - and yet I know I shouldn't be surprised. I hate the word 'inheritance'. It cheapens the relationship you shared with someone and is so clinical.

This same person who asked me to buy another home (because that's normal, right?) has since cried poor at every opportunity and ALLLLLLL she talks about how hard up she is. If I mention I am out of the house for the day, she will immediately reply with 'Ohhhhhhh, I misssss going out! But then I had a kid and now I have not nothing!!!! HAHAHAHA' Bear in mind if I am out for the day; it's to get some air, cry, grieve. I have not been partying since my husband died....!?!? If anything... I have become a bit of a loner.

(She is in a bind because of her own bad choices and she had a child with a waster of a man who screwed her over). She keeps talking about how great my life must be... I can promise you; it is not. Her idea of 'fun' is drinks and shopping and travelling the world yet she doesn't have to funds to do it and now that she has a child, I feel like she uses him as a way to 'cry poor' to me. Yesterday was the final straw as she moaned about not having money to fund his nursery fees and said 'But if only I had help...' and trailed off from here. Horrible to say the least.

I have valued my financial independence and can still manage to live the same life I had lived even before meeting my husband due to my own background/career except now my life is surrounded by people constantly wanting to talk about money. I feel dirty even writing this post. I just want to cry.

Please note I'm being careful to not say too much in this post as it may be outing to my H and others.

No no no!

Yes buying property can be an investment, however renting it out to a friend is not… it’s the same as loaning money to a friend.. never a good idea.
You’ll agree a rental amount and then months down the line she’ll feel entitled to make a change to the house you haven’t agreed to, and say ‘oh I thought you wouldn’t mind as we’re friends not landlord and tenant… Then the ‘we really need a holiday, can I skip a months rent? Or pay less for a few months or whatever!

An old friend of mine lost her husband and was left with 3 very young children, she couldn’t afford the mortgage on their house so instead rented it out to a ‘friend’ and rented somewhere for herself in a cheaper area. The friend then didn’t pay rent, wouldn’t move out and when it finally went to court and they threw her out she wrecked all the carpets etc before leaving. My friend lost so much money in rent and couldn’t pay the mortgage and ended up having to sell the home she had with her husband… all of this while grieving her husband and trying to raise 3 children who were also grief stricken!

The saying ‘Don’t mix business and pleasure’ really does apply here!….
not a good idea at all…. This friend really does seem the sort to think skipping a months rent because she’s had an expensive month would be ‘ok between friends’
I’d be shutting this friends questions down immediately, with a simple ‘I’m sorry but I won’t be buying or investing any money into anything for the foreseeable. And I certainly won’t be mixing friendships and money or properties. End of.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Response to this friend is "can't help as money is all tied up, can't access the capital until I retire so that's why I still work'.

End of discussion and block her if she carries on.

Really odd, I couldn’t imagine being so secretive with my own DCs. What’s mine is theirs and I’d give them my last penny.

@Chevybaby , are you maybe the person trying to poach on the loss of the OP? Because you seem to think it's normal a widow shares her inheritence with any CF in her vicinity?

Firstly, sorry for your loss op, secondly a freind is from the heart, not the pocket, it will be hard, but get rid, you'll soon feel better

You are right. ‘ Birds of a feather…’. I am by no means well off but many of my family have careers (like me) rather than jobs and earn reasonably good salaries. However, there is a small coterie in our extended family who are either unemployed or in very low paid jobs. But they expect everyone else to shore them up: they don’t expect to pay for meals out, they always arrive empty handed to parties and family get togethers, they expect gifts at Christmas and birthdays but never reciprocate, they expect to be invited on lodge/ cottage holidays FOC. I am gradually distancing myself because I resent their entitlement, laziness and lack of effort.

I had a friend like this always pleading poverty. they even got jealous, when I visited my Mother or bought her a present. I would leave cooked meals, and salads while away. Turned out they had considerable more funds than me as at the time was living on savings while in between jobe. Needless to say friendship ended, years later they wrote to apologise, but way too late. Most probably was hoping for another handout.
If people do this ask them prove they are hard up by showing you their bank statements, you may be shocke. I found out by sheer coincidence. So tell your friend to shape up or ship out I think it is mostly pure jealousy good luck.

I am so sorry for your loss and for the situation you’re now in. You owe her nothing and she is obviously not a true friend so if it were me I’d rapidly distance myself from her and avoid every situation where I’d see her until she’s got the message. It’s disgusting behaviour. If she was a true friend she would never mention money under these circumstances!
You and your husband earned your money, probably through hard work and good choices so enjoy it and ignore the hangers-on.

His daughter didn’t like the way the service went & that she was Not the centre of attraction. She only saw her Dad as a wallet, only contacting him for money. She had a very supportive stepfather she considered her Dad. It’s difficult to give you the info that might change your POV without going into her personal business & outing her. She no longer has contact with me or His parents as they don’t have money to give her.

I find this so sad. I absolutely adore the diversity within my friendship group, my best friend is in tech and earns mega money, other mate a senior medic with lost of investments, then there’s a few of us who work in public sector and earn mediocre wages, and our other friend who is currently unemployed. we are a solid group, no one feels anyway about money, it’s just not a thing. We love each other because we are good friends, and it couldn’t matter less about the disparities in our wealth! The one thing we all are though is pretty down to earth, non of us feel the need to eat in fancy restaurants, or have any desire to play gold. Just enjoy each other’s company, regardless of the location 🤷‍♀️

You don’t owe anybody anything. Especially someone who isn’t a very close friend but somehow feels entitled to your money. You don’t owe her your time either. You seem like a very patient person but do you really benefit from knowing this woman. Her life isn’t your responsibility. Especially when you’re grieving. I’m sorry you’re going through this when you lost your husband suddenly. Be kind to yourself and and let her go.

OP so sorry to hear this ands its awful that some people think its ok to behave like this. If if I were you I would be distancing myself from this 'friend' and concentrating on those true friends who dont see you as some kind of meal ticket, which she clearly does.
My aunt lost her husband a few years ago and one of her friends made herself very busy showing up at her house all the time, 'helping' her after the funeral. After about 6 months the 'friend' then asked if she could borrow a large sum of money - assuming that my sister had collected a large 'insurance' claim on her husbands death. My Aunt phoned me in tears realising that the 'friend' had simply been waiting for a good moment to ask her for money from the life insurance. My Aunt declined to give her money, she never heard from the 'friend' again. People are absolutely awful sometimes. I hope you feel better soon, when bad things happen unfortunately, you really do find out who your true friends are. Bless you and good luck OP.

Yes, StressedOutMum, people can be awful. My dad died suddenly. My mum had the house ( modest) and less than 10K. A few days after he died, my mother’s brother went to see her to ask her to lend him £2000. Hateful thing to do.

So sorry for your loss. Those waves of grief will always be there waiting to knock you sideways but the waves will get easier to ride over time ❤
I really think you need to just bluntly say NO or I’ll just stop you there before you embarrass yourself, to these vultures that are circling since your husbands passing.

Has anyone actually offered you any actual support or a shoulder to cry on or are they all just demanding something of you?

You owe none of them anything & especially owe them nothing if you know fine well they are only chasing your friendship for how it can benefit them.

Big Hugs ❤

I’d be embarrassed to expect others to support me going to family events or on holidays & I feel embarrassed for your family being put in that situation by those with less means in the family.
Expecting others to carry you financially is very bad form.
Even if a family member offered to pay for something for me so I could go I’d make a point of setting up a plan to repay them the whole amount!
I make a point of asking family to give me plenty of notice about events or holidays so I can plan, financially & physically, for them.
I am, through no fault of my own, on a limited income as I am disabled & will never work again so I can’t just do some overtime to boost my income to pay for extras or get a better job to cover a growing lifestyle.

UPDATE:

Hi all. Thank you again for all your messages/responses. Sorry to drag this thread up again, but for all those who advised me and expressed condolences, I wanted to say thank you.

Unfortunately things didn’t relent with certain people over the weekend. The ‘friend’ I was referring to in my OP was relatively quiet about her own life/issues in fairness. But she did forward me a link to one of HER friends GoFundMe page. Never met this friend of hers. The fundraiser was to finance this person’s IVF treatment. Whilst no one asked me for money directly, it was the straw the broke the camel’s back for me and I just broke down.

I’m taking a break in April and getting some downtime to aid with my grief - and I hope to one day find a new normal after all that’s happened.

Thankfully most people have been great and wonderful. The awful ones, however, have made an already awful time in my life 100x worse.

I read your thread last week and was shocked at the crass behaviour of your "friend".
I think you need to re-evaluate this person's presence in your life. She isn't helping you come to terms with your loss in any way. She seems to think you're some sort of a cash cow for others. Block her and move on. Sorry for your loss, you don't need people like this on top.

Sorry. Forgot to mention; I muted her and archived the chat. Didn’t bother blocking as I know she’d find me on other messaging platforms. I also don’t have the capacity for any conflict/drama. All my energy is used on getting through the days and coming to terms with my husband dying.

Take care of yourself, OP. All the best.

My goodness that is truly awful behaviour - it won't be easy but I think you will just have to tell her in no uncertain terms to "foxtrot oscar", be frank, tell her that you can't be doing with her money grubbing.

Shes not a friend in need, she's a vulcher, a real friend would not ask and if you offered would either be unwilling to accept help or very grateful for any support given.

You've got to get rid!

Bloody awful!
She maybe sent that to everyone she knows, but surely she sees how insensitive it is
I’d be tempted to send a polite message just stating that you’re struggling at the moment and just need a bit of down time.
Hopefully she’ll respect that and give you space

Your friends sound awful! Soo shallow, with no regard to your grief.
You have nothing to feel dirty about, financial stability is NOT a bad thing or something to be ashamed of. More people should be mindful of it. Especially when they have children. Making plans for the future should be a standard thing.
I think you need to faze this woman out, she is not your friend.

Good grief. She really thinks you've had some sort of lucky windfall, as if you'd won the lottery or something. At least losing her as a friend will be no loss at all.

Omg this is awful
Block on everything?
Do not give her the time of day

bloody awful of this 'friend'

I am so sorry for your loss OP and wish you all the best. I hope your break helps you in your time of grief.