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Original poster

Inheritance. 'Friend' crying poor.

382 replies

mercylews · 10/03/2023 13:13

My husband passed away in August last year. We both lived very nice lives and both had great careers. I still do and will never give up working. Ever. He died very unexpectedly but was healthy. (The reason I mention this is to hone in on the level of grief and shock I had experienced). We were fortunate enough to live in a very nice part of London as well as have property elsewhere in the world. Since he passed... the questions that have come my way regarding money have been mind-blowing to say the least. Crass crass crass. People have had no qualms about asking me what I am going to do with 'the properties' and 'the money'. Even the phrase 'the money' makes my skin crawl.

But more than that, what's shocked me is the amount of people who come to me asking me to invest in their businesses, 'pick my brain' for financial advice. One even 'jokingly' asked me to buy a home as an investment that her and her 3 year old could live in and she oh-so-sweetly offered to pay me rent... but 'mates rate rent'. Then started laughing awkwardly. I understand that this is to be expected a little given his profile shall we way... but it is still shocking - and yet I know I shouldn't be surprised. I hate the word 'inheritance'. It cheapens the relationship you shared with someone and is so clinical.

This same person who asked me to buy another home (because that's normal, right?) has since cried poor at every opportunity and ALLLLLLL she talks about how hard up she is. If I mention I am out of the house for the day, she will immediately reply with 'Ohhhhhhh, I misssss going out! But then I had a kid and now I have not nothing!!!! HAHAHAHA' Bear in mind if I am out for the day; it's to get some air, cry, grieve. I have not been partying since my husband died....!?!? If anything... I have become a bit of a loner.

(She is in a bind because of her own bad choices and she had a child with a waster of a man who screwed her over). She keeps talking about how great my life must be... I can promise you; it is not. Her idea of 'fun' is drinks and shopping and travelling the world yet she doesn't have to funds to do it and now that she has a child, I feel like she uses him as a way to 'cry poor' to me. Yesterday was the final straw as she moaned about not having money to fund his nursery fees and said 'But if only I had help...' and trailed off from here. Horrible to say the least.

I have valued my financial independence and can still manage to live the same life I had lived even before meeting my husband due to my own background/career except now my life is surrounded by people constantly wanting to talk about money. I feel dirty even writing this post. I just want to cry.

Please note I'm being careful to not say too much in this post as it may be outing to my H and others.

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 10/03/2023 13:31

I'm sorry for your loss and the fact that thoughtless comments are making a hard time even worse.

I would write a text or letter asking that she stop going on about stuff that never was or will be any of her business. Tell her that a tinkly laugh after a bizarre comment doesn't make it any less bizarre.
Suggest if she can't refrain from making hurtful suggestions and remarks, she doesn't speak to you again.
Don't worry about being harsh, she obviously has no qualms in being so to you.

BlueSeaWave · 10/03/2023 13:32

Firstly I’m so sorry for your loss, it sounds like an amazing relationship with an amazing man.
Honestly, she’s despicable. Cut the friendship, you gain nothing from it. No where near on the scale of what has happened to you, I cut a friendship with someone who expected me to bring presents and gifts each time for her child as she perceived she was poorer than me.
But seriously, even one of those things she said is awful, but all combined just vile. I hope you have better supportive friends.

WickedStepmomNOT · 10/03/2023 13:33

You're grieving for your dear departed husband and people think his estate should be enough to comfort you for his loss?

How horrible! So sorry for you.. I hope you can shut out these awful people and have time and space to mourn.

GasPanic · 10/03/2023 13:33

I think it must be really hard if you are struggling and are friends with someone who appears to have everything.

If you are struggling financially then that probably really takes over your life. It's in your mind all the time, how to get the next bit of money to carry on going. And then when you see people who have everything it is hard and probably takes iron will not to make some comments about how hard up you are and maybe secretly hope that they will offer to help in some way.

Still, most of us manage to contain it and behave well around our much better off friends. Like you I would find it pretty crass if a supposed friend is always on about money and how hard up they are. Ultimately it is up to you how good a friend this person is, or has been in the past to you - cut them off, help them or continue in a relationship where you know that money is always going to be brought up in the conversation.

Personally if I had a good friend who had helped me a lot in the past and been there for me, and I was loaded then yes I would want to help them. Whether that would stretch to buying them a house would depend on how loaded I was, and how good a friend they had been.

iI doesn't sound like this person is worthy of help, or at least you feel this person is worthy based on the way you talk about them.

Snoken · 10/03/2023 13:36

Your friend is shockingly crass. Do you get anything out of this relationship?

JenniferBarkley · 10/03/2023 13:37

I'm so sorry OP.

She is awful and you should cut her off.

Would you feel comfortable saying something like "Jane, I think you have the wrong end of the stick about my finances. Without John's income my own future is actually more precarious than before and I'm having to adjust things to make sure I'm secure." I know it may not be the case, and I'm very glad for you if it isn't, but I think she needs a reminder of what you have lost and money seems to be the language she has understood.

Perhaps I'm thinking of our own circumstances, where if one of us were to die the other would have the mortgage paid off and a lump sum, but actually long term wouldn't exactly be rolling in it.

saraclara · 10/03/2023 13:37

I hear you.

My mum wasn't well off, but she did have some savings. At my dad's actual funeral wake some old friends of theirs (who'd moved away some years before and barely kept in contact) approached my mum for a loan for their business, and she loaned them somewhere between five and ten thousand pounds (she's too mortified to tell me the exact amount) that week. Which they have never paid back. It's twenty years later and my mum really could do with that money. I can't tell you how much I hate them still.

The irony is that when we drew up in the funeral car and I saw them waiting outside at the crem, I was really touched that they'd made the long journey to pay their respects. That moment in itself that they've robbed me of, I can't forgive.

It's crap. Please don't hesitate to tell these people exactly what you think of them.
I'm so sorry about your husband.

palelavender · 10/03/2023 13:39

My husband and I keep my financial success strictly to ourselves. Even our children don't know.

One of my friends was recently widowed. Apparently she is well provided for and I'm just glad that she isn't having to penny pinch at this difficult time. I'd get rid of your "friend" who is simply trying to take advantage of you when you're grieving.

TomatoSandwiches · 10/03/2023 13:39

Some people are just vile, I would not be answering any calls from her again and I'm so sorry for your loss, it must have been such a shock and it sounds like you had a very lovely life with him.

Take your time to reevaluate who you want to keep around whilst you grieve, anyone that sucks your soul and gives you more reason to be upset you can cut out, prioritise yourself going forward.

All the best.

SiobhanSharpe · 10/03/2023 13:39

Over the past few years i have had friends who have sadly lost their husbands at a relatively young age.
Financially the women seem to be doing fine -- I say 'seem' because I don't know for sure and would never, ever dream of asking them about personal circumstances like this.

And real friends would never ask or probe like this, especially in the hope of a handout.

saraclara · 10/03/2023 13:39

GasPanic · 10/03/2023 13:33

I think it must be really hard if you are struggling and are friends with someone who appears to have everything.

If you are struggling financially then that probably really takes over your life. It's in your mind all the time, how to get the next bit of money to carry on going. And then when you see people who have everything it is hard and probably takes iron will not to make some comments about how hard up you are and maybe secretly hope that they will offer to help in some way.

Still, most of us manage to contain it and behave well around our much better off friends. Like you I would find it pretty crass if a supposed friend is always on about money and how hard up they are. Ultimately it is up to you how good a friend this person is, or has been in the past to you - cut them off, help them or continue in a relationship where you know that money is always going to be brought up in the conversation.

Personally if I had a good friend who had helped me a lot in the past and been there for me, and I was loaded then yes I would want to help them. Whether that would stretch to buying them a house would depend on how loaded I was, and how good a friend they had been.

iI doesn't sound like this person is worthy of help, or at least you feel this person is worthy based on the way you talk about them.

I can't believe that you're somehow justifying their behaviour. The OP had had a shocking bereavement, and you're saying it's understandable for someone to approach her this way?

UncomfortableSofa · 10/03/2023 13:40

Real friends will be there for you at this time, not look for what you can do for them.

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 10/03/2023 13:41

I'd block the friends number & on social media and never speak to them again.
I mean your husband just passed away and she's making it she has it worse than you?! What a cow!

Runzilla · 10/03/2023 13:41

The utter exhaustion that comes with the grief of being widowed leaves no energy at all to waste on people like this. I would withdraw from this person's company, they have nothing to offer you, and are hoping to gain from your loss. I'm lucky to say that the only time I experienced money being raised by friends was to check if me and the children would be okay. She sounds dreadful and has no idea what you're going through.

IhearyouClemFandango · 10/03/2023 13:43

It's not like you've inherited money you never had, this was yours all along but shared with someone else. Do these people think that now you don't have a partner in life you're going to be open to manipulation?

AnotherForumUser · 10/03/2023 13:44

@mercylews I am so sorry for your loss. You should not have to deal with this type of behaviour as a result of losing your husband. This grasping woman is no friend. She is offering no support, just trying to soften you up for her own financial gain. Ignore her hints for such 'help'. Don't meet or socialise with her. If you have to interact with her in your wider circle treat her with cool politeness. You do not need this parasite in your social circle. Seek out those friends who are genuine. You deserve better.

ZombieKettle · 10/03/2023 13:45

I'm sorry for the loss of your husband 💐

This woman is not your friend. It sounds like she's trying to groom you now that you are widowed and in sole control of your finances. When I say 'groom', I don't mean in a sexual way but in a 'be my best friend/mother figure/carer' type of way.

Unfortunately for her, you are clearly an intelligent woman and have your wits about you. In your position, I would drop the friendship.

roarfeckingroarr · 10/03/2023 13:46

GasPanic · 10/03/2023 13:33

I think it must be really hard if you are struggling and are friends with someone who appears to have everything.

If you are struggling financially then that probably really takes over your life. It's in your mind all the time, how to get the next bit of money to carry on going. And then when you see people who have everything it is hard and probably takes iron will not to make some comments about how hard up you are and maybe secretly hope that they will offer to help in some way.

Still, most of us manage to contain it and behave well around our much better off friends. Like you I would find it pretty crass if a supposed friend is always on about money and how hard up they are. Ultimately it is up to you how good a friend this person is, or has been in the past to you - cut them off, help them or continue in a relationship where you know that money is always going to be brought up in the conversation.

Personally if I had a good friend who had helped me a lot in the past and been there for me, and I was loaded then yes I would want to help them. Whether that would stretch to buying them a house would depend on how loaded I was, and how good a friend they had been.

iI doesn't sound like this person is worthy of help, or at least you feel this person is worthy based on the way you talk about them.

Why are you trying to justify this parasite?

The OP doesn't have "everything". She's lost what was probably the most important person in her life.

euff · 10/03/2023 13:48

My sincere condolences for your loss op Flowers.

The only thought about your financial situation that I might have (which I would keep to myself) is relief that you don't have to worry about finances / paying the mortgage on top of dealing with your loss and grief. I would hang back from /mute these vile people.

If you are feeling stronger down the line you could say you don't mix friendship and business to those wanting investments. I'm sure there was a thread on here about a poster who had let a friend with child/ children live in a property and then needed it back a few years later. It didn't end well.

Fifi0000 · 10/03/2023 13:48

My DH started earning really good money and suddenly everyone started coming out with a begging bowl. Even his own mother would hint his brothers and sil could do with some cash. He's sadly reduced contact with them , his friends now are all people of similar wealth. Money really is the root of evil.

Silverperch · 10/03/2023 13:48

Block her number. Sadly our family has someone like this in our lives, the poor me commentary is never-ending, as is the sizing up of the assets, but unfortunately until a divorce happens we're stuck with the situation. You can simply block.

SoonToBeQueenCamilla · 10/03/2023 13:51

Cut her off and make some new friends.

I know another woman in your situation and she is very vague about her financial situation when she meets new people .

eg says she “ works for X type of company “ rather than she owns the company . Or that she has been on holiday , rather than she has been staying at her villa in the Algarve.

One thing she finds vey annoying is that family members keep telling her that she needs to sell the family home because it’s “ too big for her “ ( and her four children ) . When they still need exactly the same number of bedrooms as they did when her husband was alive .

It feels to her that people think a single woman is not as entitled to nice things as a couple. Same with the car - people tell her to sell it and “ buy something smaller”, as if cars don't have power steering and her feeble female arms can’t cope Hmm.

HMTheQueenMuffin · 10/03/2023 13:52

I am so so sorry.

When my FIL died we had people trying to ask how much the inheritance was... little prying questions. One 'friend' (now ex friend) actually said; 'How much did you score?'

A relative of mine (aunt) asked us outright to invest in her business. I am not close to that aunt and was touched and surprised that she had contacted us to say sorry about FIL. Hmm

People can be arses.

bonzaitree · 10/03/2023 13:54

Just block her and move on.

you sound lovely OP, don’t feel pressured to give an acquaintance money

Annasass · 10/03/2023 13:54

@GasPanic I’ve been with money & without it, I’d never stoop so low as to hint that I wanted anything from anyone who had money. Despite what you believe no one ever has it all.