Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Inheritance. 'Friend' crying poor.

382 replies

mercylews · 10/03/2023 13:13

My husband passed away in August last year. We both lived very nice lives and both had great careers. I still do and will never give up working. Ever. He died very unexpectedly but was healthy. (The reason I mention this is to hone in on the level of grief and shock I had experienced). We were fortunate enough to live in a very nice part of London as well as have property elsewhere in the world. Since he passed... the questions that have come my way regarding money have been mind-blowing to say the least. Crass crass crass. People have had no qualms about asking me what I am going to do with 'the properties' and 'the money'. Even the phrase 'the money' makes my skin crawl.

But more than that, what's shocked me is the amount of people who come to me asking me to invest in their businesses, 'pick my brain' for financial advice. One even 'jokingly' asked me to buy a home as an investment that her and her 3 year old could live in and she oh-so-sweetly offered to pay me rent... but 'mates rate rent'. Then started laughing awkwardly. I understand that this is to be expected a little given his profile shall we way... but it is still shocking - and yet I know I shouldn't be surprised. I hate the word 'inheritance'. It cheapens the relationship you shared with someone and is so clinical.

This same person who asked me to buy another home (because that's normal, right?) has since cried poor at every opportunity and ALLLLLLL she talks about how hard up she is. If I mention I am out of the house for the day, she will immediately reply with 'Ohhhhhhh, I misssss going out! But then I had a kid and now I have not nothing!!!! HAHAHAHA' Bear in mind if I am out for the day; it's to get some air, cry, grieve. I have not been partying since my husband died....!?!? If anything... I have become a bit of a loner.

(She is in a bind because of her own bad choices and she had a child with a waster of a man who screwed her over). She keeps talking about how great my life must be... I can promise you; it is not. Her idea of 'fun' is drinks and shopping and travelling the world yet she doesn't have to funds to do it and now that she has a child, I feel like she uses him as a way to 'cry poor' to me. Yesterday was the final straw as she moaned about not having money to fund his nursery fees and said 'But if only I had help...' and trailed off from here. Horrible to say the least.

I have valued my financial independence and can still manage to live the same life I had lived even before meeting my husband due to my own background/career except now my life is surrounded by people constantly wanting to talk about money. I feel dirty even writing this post. I just want to cry.

Please note I'm being careful to not say too much in this post as it may be outing to my H and others.

OP posts:
BeaLola · 11/03/2023 19:41

I am very sorry for the loss of your husband - what a horrendous shock

This person is not a friend - distance yourself - good friends don't behave in this way

GG1986 · 11/03/2023 19:44

Do not give her any money, she will keep asking if you do, cheeky mare. Might be time to distance yourself from her.

Sassy31 · 11/03/2023 19:45

Sounds awful. So, sorry for your loss.
incredibly crass & highly inappropriate. Where do these people come from , who have the balls to ask , with no qualms or consideration for you & how you maybe feeling. So utterly sickening.

Rosscameasdoody · 11/03/2023 19:46

Chevybaby · 11/03/2023 19:29

I just find it soooo hard to believe that this mother friend would approach OP in this way if they weren't in fact real friends before. If they aren’t really friends, why is OP continuing to endure these inappropriate statements? I think there's way more to this and OP is ripping apart her friend's behaviour to make herself feel better about not being willing to help.

For balance:

She is in a bind because of her own bad choices and she had a child with a waster of a man who screwed her over". How judgmental is this?? This planet is absolutely bursting at the seams with women who had babies with guys who were really wonderful to begin with but then turned into bullying monsters and/or completely bailed on them and the bairns when life got tough.

One even 'jokingly' asked me to buy a home as an investment that her and her 3 year old could live in and she oh-so-sweetly offered to pay me rent... but 'mates rate rent'. Then started laughing awkwardly.
Mates rates rent could really just mean fair rent. Honestly how a single working mother affords a bedroom for themselves and one or more children in 2023 is beyond me. Where I live 2 bed flats that sell for £120k (so what, £450 per month mortgage) are rented for £1400+ pcm right now!
So yes I really don't understand why the above is such an absurd suggestion, it's not like she's asking for anything for free. What's really absurd is the idea that someone just has millions sitting in the bank doing nothing when they could actually enable a mother and her young child to have a secure home at literally no financial inconvenience to themselves. I know we all need to pick who to help, if I gave a quid to every person in the street who asked me I'd be destitute myself. But I really don't think what the pal suggested is on the whole a mad concept.

Her idea of 'fun' is drinks and shopping and travelling the world yet she doesn't have to funds to do it and now that she has a child, I feel like she uses him as a way to 'cry poor' to me.
Umm I'm pretty sure traveling and wine and buying nice things is a lot of people's idea of fun.
And by using her child “as a way to cry poor me”, do you
possibly mean “discusses how difficult it is to raise a toddler in a society that seems to have been designed to keep mothers down”? Childcare: unaffordable. Many workplaces: unflexible. Benefits: unliveable. For many it’s a no-win situation no matter how hard they try and too right they might complain about it.

I actually feel dead sad for the friend that she is so desperate that she would go as far as to approach someone as ungenerous as you OP for help.
I'm truly sorry for your loss but I think you are not being fair or indeed kind in this instance. You don't have to help her if you don't want to but you don't need to make her out to be a monster.

I think it’s pretty monstrous to be approaching anyone for money six months after they’ve lost a life partner. The OP isn’t ‘ungenerous’, she’s grieving and this parasite ‘friend’ can’t see that because the pound signs are ringing up in her eyes. If she’s so genuine, why didn’t she approach the OP while her husband was alive ?

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 11/03/2023 19:50

I agree completely, @Rosscameasdoody.

I can’t decide which is worse - the person who looks at a friend whose husband has died, and thinks “Yay - they can buy me a house to rent for cheap” or the person who thinks that a bereaved woman is ‘ungenerous’ for not indulging the cheeky fucker.

messybutfun · 11/03/2023 19:53

If anybody did the to me I would say my husband left everything to a cat charity and could you maybe give me fiver so I can put some money on the meter!

InfluencerHag · 11/03/2023 19:57

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

messybutfun · 11/03/2023 19:58

On second thoughts I might ask them to do a Dragon’s Den style presentation.

Ask them to give you their business plan to pass on to your accountants.

ThereIbledit · 11/03/2023 20:04

I'm so sorry you are having to go through this on top of your grief.

By all means vent but don't give her too much of your headspace. grey rock her and stop instigating any contact with her at all.

Rosscameasdoody · 11/03/2023 20:04

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Well said. This is what I thought. This poster has obviously never lost anyone close to them because if they had, they would know that you can’t think straight for the first few months, so any important decisions, financial or otherwise need to be postponed. They also haven’t even considered that the so called ‘friend’ didn’t approach the OP for money while her husband was still alive. That speaks volumes.

Original poster
mercylews · 11/03/2023 20:04

Chevybaby · 11/03/2023 19:29

I just find it soooo hard to believe that this mother friend would approach OP in this way if they weren't in fact real friends before. If they aren’t really friends, why is OP continuing to endure these inappropriate statements? I think there's way more to this and OP is ripping apart her friend's behaviour to make herself feel better about not being willing to help.

For balance:

She is in a bind because of her own bad choices and she had a child with a waster of a man who screwed her over". How judgmental is this?? This planet is absolutely bursting at the seams with women who had babies with guys who were really wonderful to begin with but then turned into bullying monsters and/or completely bailed on them and the bairns when life got tough.

One even 'jokingly' asked me to buy a home as an investment that her and her 3 year old could live in and she oh-so-sweetly offered to pay me rent... but 'mates rate rent'. Then started laughing awkwardly.
Mates rates rent could really just mean fair rent. Honestly how a single working mother affords a bedroom for themselves and one or more children in 2023 is beyond me. Where I live 2 bed flats that sell for £120k (so what, £450 per month mortgage) are rented for £1400+ pcm right now!
So yes I really don't understand why the above is such an absurd suggestion, it's not like she's asking for anything for free. What's really absurd is the idea that someone just has millions sitting in the bank doing nothing when they could actually enable a mother and her young child to have a secure home at literally no financial inconvenience to themselves. I know we all need to pick who to help, if I gave a quid to every person in the street who asked me I'd be destitute myself. But I really don't think what the pal suggested is on the whole a mad concept.

Her idea of 'fun' is drinks and shopping and travelling the world yet she doesn't have to funds to do it and now that she has a child, I feel like she uses him as a way to 'cry poor' to me.
Umm I'm pretty sure traveling and wine and buying nice things is a lot of people's idea of fun.
And by using her child “as a way to cry poor me”, do you
possibly mean “discusses how difficult it is to raise a toddler in a society that seems to have been designed to keep mothers down”? Childcare: unaffordable. Many workplaces: unflexible. Benefits: unliveable. For many it’s a no-win situation no matter how hard they try and too right they might complain about it.

I actually feel dead sad for the friend that she is so desperate that she would go as far as to approach someone as ungenerous as you OP for help.
I'm truly sorry for your loss but I think you are not being fair or indeed kind in this instance. You don't have to help her if you don't want to but you don't need to make her out to be a monster.

I'm going to guess you are being deliberately aggressive or deliberately antagonising - but I'll play along if that helps you. You were happy to pick apart my OP, so I'll do the same for yours.

If you do find it (as you say) 'soooo hard to believe that this mother friend would approach OP' - I'm not sure why you commented. You go onto say: 'why is OP continuing to endure these inappropriate statements?' So you either believe me or you don't - yet admit the statements are indeed inappropriate.

Yes; she has made bad choices and did have a child with a waster of a man. That was her choice. Her waster of a man already had three kids with his ex-wife and wasn't - and still isn't a good father to his two girls and one boy from his ex. To me, that is not a good choice nor a good life partner. As it turned out... he isn't a good father to her boy too. Shocking, I know(!) That's on him as he is terrible - something I noted in my OP.

Yes; she did indeed ask me to buy a house as an 'investment' and for her to live in it - and then started awkwardly talking about 'but only with mates-rates rent' - and then awkwardly started laughing about it - something I noted in my OP. You say that 'mates rates' can be fair rent. Sure. Of course.

But you do realise for this to happen; I would actually have to... BUY ANOTHER HOUSE..?!

You then go on and label me as 'ungenerous' for not wanting to buy said house.... (because it would make no financial difference to me)?!

You also go on to rant/rave about how hard it is for single mothers to buy a house - as if her inability to not be able to afford a house for her and her boy rests on my shoulders...?

You then say: 'I know we all need to pick who to help, if I gave a quid to every person in the street who asked me I'd be destitute myself.'

Yes; and if I had to help everyone who asked/hinted to me of that very help after my husband died (especially in the form of business investments and house purchases); I'd be destitute too. See how that works?

Yes; I did say: 'her idea of 'fun' is drinks and shopping and travelling the world yet she doesn't have to funds to do it and now that she has a child, I feel like she uses him as a way to 'cry poor' to me.'

I also said in my other posts that she seems to resent her choices in life - and also her very child for not being able to afford all the things she wants at that very moment in time - and constantly tells me how great I have it/how great my life must be... you know... after my HUSBAND DIED...?

We can all want nice things - there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. But we can't always get what we want in life - and as a result of that - we shouldn't expect our family - or worse - FRIENDS - to fund our lifestyles...?!

It has been said many times by many people in the previous comments on this thread just how badly they've been treated upon losing a spouse - or any family member/friends. Horrific stories about people wanting handouts/crying poor as soon as these leeches realise their friend/family member has an 'inheritance' or are now in sole charge of joint finances.

If that makes me 'ungenerous' as you say - as well as a liar (or someone bending the sad truth) as you claim in your first paragraph - then I am ok with those labels.

You seem to have an issue with the economic climate/unfairness in the world - and that's fair given how hard life can be for single mothers/women etc... but it sounds like you've made some terrible choices in your life and are very defensive and lashing out at me.

OP posts:
Rosscameasdoody · 11/03/2023 20:10

mercylews · 11/03/2023 20:04

I'm going to guess you are being deliberately aggressive or deliberately antagonising - but I'll play along if that helps you. You were happy to pick apart my OP, so I'll do the same for yours.

If you do find it (as you say) 'soooo hard to believe that this mother friend would approach OP' - I'm not sure why you commented. You go onto say: 'why is OP continuing to endure these inappropriate statements?' So you either believe me or you don't - yet admit the statements are indeed inappropriate.

Yes; she has made bad choices and did have a child with a waster of a man. That was her choice. Her waster of a man already had three kids with his ex-wife and wasn't - and still isn't a good father to his two girls and one boy from his ex. To me, that is not a good choice nor a good life partner. As it turned out... he isn't a good father to her boy too. Shocking, I know(!) That's on him as he is terrible - something I noted in my OP.

Yes; she did indeed ask me to buy a house as an 'investment' and for her to live in it - and then started awkwardly talking about 'but only with mates-rates rent' - and then awkwardly started laughing about it - something I noted in my OP. You say that 'mates rates' can be fair rent. Sure. Of course.

But you do realise for this to happen; I would actually have to... BUY ANOTHER HOUSE..?!

You then go on and label me as 'ungenerous' for not wanting to buy said house.... (because it would make no financial difference to me)?!

You also go on to rant/rave about how hard it is for single mothers to buy a house - as if her inability to not be able to afford a house for her and her boy rests on my shoulders...?

You then say: 'I know we all need to pick who to help, if I gave a quid to every person in the street who asked me I'd be destitute myself.'

Yes; and if I had to help everyone who asked/hinted to me of that very help after my husband died (especially in the form of business investments and house purchases); I'd be destitute too. See how that works?

Yes; I did say: 'her idea of 'fun' is drinks and shopping and travelling the world yet she doesn't have to funds to do it and now that she has a child, I feel like she uses him as a way to 'cry poor' to me.'

I also said in my other posts that she seems to resent her choices in life - and also her very child for not being able to afford all the things she wants at that very moment in time - and constantly tells me how great I have it/how great my life must be... you know... after my HUSBAND DIED...?

We can all want nice things - there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. But we can't always get what we want in life - and as a result of that - we shouldn't expect our family - or worse - FRIENDS - to fund our lifestyles...?!

It has been said many times by many people in the previous comments on this thread just how badly they've been treated upon losing a spouse - or any family member/friends. Horrific stories about people wanting handouts/crying poor as soon as these leeches realise their friend/family member has an 'inheritance' or are now in sole charge of joint finances.

If that makes me 'ungenerous' as you say - as well as a liar (or someone bending the sad truth) as you claim in your first paragraph - then I am ok with those labels.

You seem to have an issue with the economic climate/unfairness in the world - and that's fair given how hard life can be for single mothers/women etc... but it sounds like you've made some terrible choices in your life and are very defensive and lashing out at me.

Show quote history

👏👏👏

Charmian1957 · 11/03/2023 20:15

So sorry for your loss. I lost my fiancé to Covid New Years Eve 2020. Things just getting settled financially now. Have had awful suggestions etc fro so called friends. All I can say is ditch them walk away and try & start your life again, with your memories of your husband. It is so very difficult.

Italianma · 11/03/2023 20:20

Sounds like a toxic friendship. Break it up. Simply don’t return her call nor text back. If you have common friends make sure to ignore her when she is around … but honestly if she does it with you she dies it with others or she has friends that are like minded in which case you may want to find new friends. Someone who stands on her/his own feet like you do. I was once asked to accompany a friend to the bank and there she wanted me to sign a guarantor form… to hell! I did not and she was really offended… as if it were my responsibility to voucher for her! Some people have no reservations. A friend like that will ask first in a joking way but then becomes demanding. Break it up.

JudgeJ · 11/03/2023 20:21

I actually feel dead sad for the friend that she is so desperate that she would go as far as to approach someone as ungenerous as you OP for help.
I'm truly sorry for your loss but I think you are not being fair or indeed kind in this instance.

Oh yes, the 'be kind' nonsense. Do you honestly think that were the OP to yield to the idea of buying a house to rent to her on the cheap that that would be then end of it? How soon before the whiner can't pay the rent and tries to bully the OP into forgiving it? If a person can't be bothered to modify her expenditure , why should others act as the Bank of FIrst Resort?

Babooshka1990 · 11/03/2023 20:22

She’s not very supportive is she.

I would like to addd though that people with money really don’t seem to
understand or appreciate the stress of not having any. Everything is just hard and it can be very upsetting when those around you don’t have to worry at all. It
sounds like she’s had an awful relationship and is much worse off which you aren’t sympathetic over.

Oldlady62 · 11/03/2023 20:28

Firstly I am so sorry for your loss. It must be awful !
My sister became a millionairess when I was a single mum . Before this people always helped her out including myself.
Once she got her money she stopped contact for long periods of time.
She never helped any of our family .
An old childhood friend of hers got back in touch and she showered money on her and her family. When she got wise and stopped my sister was dropped. When she got dropped she tried to weedle her way back to her own family. I for one wasn't interested and never will be.
Your "friend" maybe the same and leave you far behind when she realises you are not her bank.

whumpthereitis · 11/03/2023 20:30

Chevybaby · 11/03/2023 19:29

I just find it soooo hard to believe that this mother friend would approach OP in this way if they weren't in fact real friends before. If they aren’t really friends, why is OP continuing to endure these inappropriate statements? I think there's way more to this and OP is ripping apart her friend's behaviour to make herself feel better about not being willing to help.

For balance:

She is in a bind because of her own bad choices and she had a child with a waster of a man who screwed her over". How judgmental is this?? This planet is absolutely bursting at the seams with women who had babies with guys who were really wonderful to begin with but then turned into bullying monsters and/or completely bailed on them and the bairns when life got tough.

One even 'jokingly' asked me to buy a home as an investment that her and her 3 year old could live in and she oh-so-sweetly offered to pay me rent... but 'mates rate rent'. Then started laughing awkwardly.
Mates rates rent could really just mean fair rent. Honestly how a single working mother affords a bedroom for themselves and one or more children in 2023 is beyond me. Where I live 2 bed flats that sell for £120k (so what, £450 per month mortgage) are rented for £1400+ pcm right now!
So yes I really don't understand why the above is such an absurd suggestion, it's not like she's asking for anything for free. What's really absurd is the idea that someone just has millions sitting in the bank doing nothing when they could actually enable a mother and her young child to have a secure home at literally no financial inconvenience to themselves. I know we all need to pick who to help, if I gave a quid to every person in the street who asked me I'd be destitute myself. But I really don't think what the pal suggested is on the whole a mad concept.

Her idea of 'fun' is drinks and shopping and travelling the world yet she doesn't have to funds to do it and now that she has a child, I feel like she uses him as a way to 'cry poor' to me.
Umm I'm pretty sure traveling and wine and buying nice things is a lot of people's idea of fun.
And by using her child “as a way to cry poor me”, do you
possibly mean “discusses how difficult it is to raise a toddler in a society that seems to have been designed to keep mothers down”? Childcare: unaffordable. Many workplaces: unflexible. Benefits: unliveable. For many it’s a no-win situation no matter how hard they try and too right they might complain about it.

I actually feel dead sad for the friend that she is so desperate that she would go as far as to approach someone as ungenerous as you OP for help.
I'm truly sorry for your loss but I think you are not being fair or indeed kind in this instance. You don't have to help her if you don't want to but you don't need to make her out to be a monster.

lmfaoooooooo fuck me, this is a new level of batshit entitlement.

You can go ahead and criticise the political climate all you like, but what you don’t get to do is hold any one individual accountable as if they’re responsible for compensating you for whatever unfairness you consider yourself afflicted by. OP didn’t cause this friend’s problems, or indeed yours, and nor is it on her to solve them.

What is unkind and unfair, incidentally and because it apparently concerns you so, is swooping in on a newly bereaved individual, one you have the audacity to pretend to be a friend to, in an attempt to exploit their obvious vulnerability. Like a particularly thick vulture.

whumpthereitis · 11/03/2023 20:37

Babooshka1990 · 11/03/2023 20:22

She’s not very supportive is she.

I would like to addd though that people with money really don’t seem to
understand or appreciate the stress of not having any. Everything is just hard and it can be very upsetting when those around you don’t have to worry at all. It
sounds like she’s had an awful relationship and is much worse off which you aren’t sympathetic over.

Yes, because OP should have so much sympathy to spare for someone loudly throwing themselves a pity party with an eye to securing funding from a vulnerable woman. She’s not asking for moral support, she’s asking for a house.

It’s not OP’s fault that the ‘friend’ is in the situation she is in, and nor is it in any way OP’s responsibility to get her out of it.

Babooshka1990 · 11/03/2023 20:39

@whumpthereitis I wasn’t saying OP should be giving her money

Mandyjack · 11/03/2023 20:40

I can't believe people are treating you like this & saying such inappropriate things especially as you are grieving the loss of your husband. I wouldn't see it as inheritance if you were married either. I would keep my distance from your so called friend who clearly is just trying to sponge of you instead of support you

Redandblue96 · 11/03/2023 20:44

I have an elderly relative who is in a similar situation to the OP.
The relative ‘David’ had a considerable amount of money left to him by way of an inheritance after his daughter suddenly passed away two years ago.
He lives alone and several of his daughters friends visit him on a regular basis, one living a good distance away, claiming poverty and dropping hints about needing funds for private cosmetic surgery and house repairs.
He has gifted a few of them a fair amount of money for being a good friend to his daughter but they are not satisfied and keep coming back for more.
This week however he was at the end of his tether as one invited herself to his home, but David knew she was going to ask for more money so he told her he going out (which was true) and now he’s decided to write a letter asking them not to visit him anymore, but is unsure how to do this without offending them.
Disgusting behaviour, hell would freeze over before I’d ask for a penny from this lovely man.

whumpthereitis · 11/03/2023 20:47

Babooshka1990 · 11/03/2023 20:39

@whumpthereitis I wasn’t saying OP should be giving her money

the woman is asking for money, and property, from OP though. She’s not asking for a sympathetic ear, she’s dropping heavy handed hints in hope of benefiting from OP’s tragedy.

the only things she deserves from OP is a ‘go fuck yourself’.

LoisLane66 · 11/03/2023 20:48

As @GreatContinental says, your 'friend' can get help with childcare fees and if this government is to be believed, there will be an uplift in the amounts this April. She'll have nothing to moan about then.
Keep strong and don't ever capitulate when people come with their tales of woe or daft ideas. If they put suggestions about you making investment into their business, mention Dragon's Den. 😂 See how far they get with that idea. Tell whoever asks that if it's got legs they'll get investment AND a Dragon. If they don't, they will realise that you were right not to entertain the idea.
The only way to deal with certain people is to suggest ridiculous ideas that you know they will never follow up.
It's sad that some individuals are so consumed with jealousy over what they perceived as your increased wealth, that they ignore the loss of your husband and the fact that you are trying to deal with it.
I'm sorry that it's come to this but if you give in, it will never end.
You need to look after yourself. Whatever you have was and is earned, so no need to downplay the fact that you have nice things and aren't strapped for cash. I feel pretty sure that you're not the sort of person to 'queen it' over others.
Take care 💐

Rosscameasdoody · 11/03/2023 20:58

Babooshka1990 · 11/03/2023 20:22

She’s not very supportive is she.

I would like to addd though that people with money really don’t seem to
understand or appreciate the stress of not having any. Everything is just hard and it can be very upsetting when those around you don’t have to worry at all. It
sounds like she’s had an awful relationship and is much worse off which you aren’t sympathetic over.

And people like the OP’s ‘friend’ don’t seem to understand that six months after someone has lost their life partner is not the time to ask for anything - financial or otherwise. And to have the brass neck to actually ask the OP to buy a house for her to live in at ‘mates rates’ !! The ‘friend’ didn’t ask for this while the OP’s husband was alive. Ask yourself why - because it’s batshit, that’s why, and she would have been shown the door. So now that the OP is bereaved and vulnerable, ‘friend’ is back. She knows full well that the OP isn’t in the right frame of mind to make important decisions, and she’s taking advantage of her vulnerability. It’s disgusting. Nearly as disgusting as asking someone to bail you out the mess you find yourself in because of a lifetime of bad decisions.