Inheritance. 'Friend' crying poor.

[mercylews]

My husband passed away in August last year. We both lived very nice lives and both had great careers. I still do and will never give up working. Ever. He died very unexpectedly but was healthy. (The reason I mention this is to hone in on the level of grief and shock I had experienced). We were fortunate enough to live in a very nice part of London as well as have property elsewhere in the world. Since he passed... the questions that have come my way regarding money have been mind-blowing to say the least. Crass crass crass. People have had no qualms about asking me what I am going to do with 'the properties' and 'the money'. Even the phrase 'the money' makes my skin crawl.

But more than that, what's shocked me is the amount of people who come to me asking me to invest in their businesses, 'pick my brain' for financial advice. One even 'jokingly' asked me to buy a home as an investment that her and her 3 year old could live in and she oh-so-sweetly offered to pay me rent... but 'mates rate rent'. Then started laughing awkwardly. I understand that this is to be expected a little given his profile shall we way... but it is still shocking - and yet I know I shouldn't be surprised. I hate the word 'inheritance'. It cheapens the relationship you shared with someone and is so clinical.

This same person who asked me to buy another home (because that's normal, right?) has since cried poor at every opportunity and ALLLLLLL she talks about how hard up she is. If I mention I am out of the house for the day, she will immediately reply with 'Ohhhhhhh, I misssss going out! But then I had a kid and now I have not nothing!!!! HAHAHAHA' Bear in mind if I am out for the day; it's to get some air, cry, grieve. I have not been partying since my husband died....!?!? If anything... I have become a bit of a loner.

(She is in a bind because of her own bad choices and she had a child with a waster of a man who screwed her over). She keeps talking about how great my life must be... I can promise you; it is not. Her idea of 'fun' is drinks and shopping and travelling the world yet she doesn't have to funds to do it and now that she has a child, I feel like she uses him as a way to 'cry poor' to me. Yesterday was the final straw as she moaned about not having money to fund his nursery fees and said 'But if only I had help...' and trailed off from here. Horrible to say the least.

I have valued my financial independence and can still manage to live the same life I had lived even before meeting my husband due to my own background/career except now my life is surrounded by people constantly wanting to talk about money. I feel dirty even writing this post. I just want to cry.

Please note I'm being careful to not say too much in this post as it may be outing to my H and others.

She sounds awful. BUT a friend of mine who is just lovely (and poor) has another friend who is very wealthy and the friend did buy a flat for poorer friend to live in, as a long term investment for her own kids, and she rents it out at very very mates rates to her poorer friend. Because she has a lot of money, (mutual friend has a child and no money) and because she loves her, and because she comfortably can do that for her. But she does have a ridiculous amount of money. It depends on the friend - if it were my best friend, who I love so much, I would help financially. But then she would never ask.

Thank you for all your condolences and replies. I'm really saddened to hear how much of a common occurrence this is for so many. As soon as there is money involved, people come a-knocking. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised, but here I am...

Unfortunately in my case, it's a quick Google search of my H's name and it's mainly obituaries but also articles speaking about him in a financial sense. Nothing bad of course. However, this, for some reason, gives people who knew of/about him to come to me and only discuss 'the money' - which makes me feel like they don't see him as as person - or the person he was rather, but more as a monetary asset. I'm obviously not defending the vultures in any way, but simply stating that this is why they might feel that they can speak about him in the way they do.

As for the 'friend' - she knows (as expected) that my H and I didn't have children so I suppose she (and others) feel that they can ask more questions about what I'm going to do with 'the money' and in her words 'how lucky I am to have it' because she's a single mother with no help. Funnily enough, she never mentioned money when my husband was alive.

I'm also aggrieved that people think it's a 'win' of sorts. I'm not someone who is going to quit working, go on a bender etc... I live a quiet life and work in a field that isn't known for partying my any means. Grief is also isolating enough, so if anyone thinks I'm quaffing champagne - I'm really not. I wasn't even doing that when he was alive!

Worst of all; people who don't outright ask for 'financial advice' or heavily hint at handouts seem to constantly want to know 'how the probate process is going' (read: what's the latest with the money?!) So they don't even have to be rude/inappropriate - but they all too often seem to have a vested interest in the 'process'... and I really don't feel like I'm being overly paranoid on that front.

Luckily; most people have been amazing - and so have the majority on this thread. I am very grateful.

I'm so sorry for your loss. That is awful - and awful that such 'friends' felt like it was their place to make unsolicited 'suggestions' in times of unrelenting grief. I hope you are faring ok and that the memories of your partner sustain you as the days go by.

First I want to say how very sorry I am for your loss. Your shock and grief are almost palpable in your post. Unfortunately, grief is often exacerbated by having to deal with crap from other people.
There are people who seem to say “You have money, I have no money so it naturally follows that you should give me some of yours.” They think it is logical, reasonable and acceptable. Then they get angry when they don’t get a handout.
Take your time to decide on a strategy to deal with these people, including the whining single mother.
You have to choose an approach which suits you and that you can cope with.
Next time anyone mentions money or property at all, have a response ready and REPEAT it every time. Refuse to explain or elaborate.
Something like “I am not discussing money or property with anyone other than my financial advisor/bank manager. Life has been terrible since DH died and a lot of people don’t seem to realise that.”
Whatever they say back, simply repeat “As I said, I am not discussing money…”
and keep repeating until they get the message.
Good luck.

That why the rich circled themselves with the rich aswell. Find new friends op. People think i’m rich, i live comfortably but i dont consider myself rich. But lots of people i know starting to behave like your friend. i left them never contacted them again. I have 2 best friends more or less same situation and income as me. And we are very good. Not mentioning money, not begging or asking about money. We can just do shopping together, we can eat in fancy restaurants together without the other mocking me how posh i am. We can go to golf or other clubs together. I’m not snobbish or anything. Unfortunately thats the real life, people get jealous with what other people have.

Sorry to say, however, being around friends or family who have much less than you, often sparks jealousy and entitlement that you should share your good fortunes.
You are lucky you family are not doing the same.

had a problem when my partner died, his daughter caused me some real pain. I ended up going away to my family 300 miles away. She wanted to know where his ashes were...

And you think that's unreasonable @Dawncleo62 ? She's his daughter, for goodness sake. Having a grave or location of ashes to visit is vey important in grieving. She lost her dad. I saw what losing their dad did to my daughters. It's absolutely reasonable of her to ask that.

Oh I am so sorry for your loss, what a horrible thing to have happened. 💐

This is not a friend. De-friending is difficult but so worth it where there are false pretences, abuse, and whatever other evil.

good luck with it all. X

This person is not your friend. You lost your partner, best friend and future, I know because it happened to me almost 7 years ago. if shes a good friend tell her and dont mince your words. If shes not a good friend dustance yourself. When I told one of my now ex-friends about how I divided up the insurance money with our DCs and SDCs she said "What? I never saw any of that." You find out who your friends are when you are vulnerable for sure.

Sending you a big hug, OP. x

You poor thing. Grief is torture. Ditch this ‘friend’. Tell her why. Be honest but not cruel. I once read a book on how to talk to someone in grief called something like ‘don’t ask for the dead man’s golf-clubs’, so I guess a death is known to attract CF grifters. Be kind to yourself.

I have a friend who was suddenly bereaved. She has experienced similar behaviour, including people calling her up and asking her to invest in their various failing businesses. She invited the adult sons of her DH to come and see if they wanted any of his cufflinks, watches etc as a memento. One of the wives actually went into my friend's wardrobe, picked up a designer jacket and said; 'Well who's getting this?'. My friend pointed out that it was her own jacket and she was not actually dead yet.

Some of the stories she has told has made my jaw drop. My friend is a lovely kind and gentle person and this has hurt her terribly badly.

This!

I also think you could say, I haven inherited anything it was ours not his. Nothing has changed other than I'm sad and grieving ... and surrounded by greedy f'ers!

It's amazing how many people find themselves in a financial jam when they think there is money to be had. They use phrases like....you're my only hope....I've nobody else to turn to....etc. don't give in to this crap as they will waste your money and return for more. Their financial problems are not your problem.

I'd never ever ask or hint for money, money is something I don't discuss.

Growing up my mother did full on nagging about money and the lack of it, well if you choose to have four children there's your answer.

I made up my mind I'd earn my own money and there have been times when young and working part time due to young children, I've gone to the supermarket and worried I'd have enough to pay.

I'm comfortably off and live within my means.

I am really sorry for your loss. It must be such a shock.

As this person is a friend and you as a friend you must have enjoyed her company and that of her child on some level it seems a shame to break ties over money.

I can see she should be more thought full particularly at this time of grief. However a few things to consider
1: property is an investment. One could see it as a win win. You get reliable tennant she gets secure home. So you can’t be too cross with her for mentioning it. If she was polite.
2: due to property market prices and inequality in society lots of people are poor and some people are rich not through life choices but luck of the drawer. Lots of poor people work really hard, contribute essentially to society and get paid badly thinking carers in particular.
3: you can choose your friends, choose to tell her to stop with the money comments. Choose not to give/invest with friends as never clear cut . Yes
She should be thinking of what you going through. You have just lost your husband so there is no excuse for any “friend” to be not treating you with kindness and compassion.
i hope things get easier soon 💐

And I know you would give up every penny to have your husband back. I'm so sorry for your loss and I'm sorry people are saying these things to you. I can't make you feel better, but I will give you a virtual hug

It’s not - it’s just a ‘me too’ post.

Thank you for your kind words. I hope all goes well for you too. Grief is a very lonely journey. Xxx

Spot on. I lost my husband a few years ago. Whilst not exactly rich, he left me financially fairly secure with a home that was paid for, but I’d have gone broke and lived in a tent just to have him back. That’s what’s so awful about what this ‘friend’ is doing. Six months into this kind of loss, the grief is a rollercoaster of feelings you didn’t imagine possible, and it’s never a linear process - up one day, down the next. You don’t just lose your partner, you lose your whole way of life, and you have to find your own way through to pick up the pieces and start again.

The wisest advice I was given was don’t make any decisions that aren’t absolutely necessary for at least two years. It took that amount of time for me to even begin to accept the loss and to come to terms with the life I had without my husband. The OP is only at the start of a very difficult journey in which you learn so much about yourself. And about others. I learned that some people I had long regarded as friends, were actually not, and for a variety of reasons were prepared to take advantage of my vulnerability. I learned the hard way that for my own protection I had to leave some people to the past, and move on. Hopefully the OP will realise that this is what she needs to do with said ‘friend’. It’s hard, but you have to re-evaluate your life, and hopefully what doesn’t kill you will eventually make you stronger.

With respect, none of this is OP’s to fix, and six months into the loss of her partner, she should be concentrating on getting her own life together and facing her own challenges - one of which, at this stage in her grief, will be just getting out of bed to face each day. And being coerced into buying property specifically to rent to a ‘friend’ while you’re in no fit state to be thinking about anything other than just getting through another day is not an investment, it’s a recipe for disaster. Her vulnerability is being taken advantage of by someone who is only thinking of herself and trying to guilt the OP into getting what she wants. She’s not a friend, she’s a vulture who likely wouldn’t have dreamed of asking for something like this while the OP’s husband was alive, because she’d have been fairly certain she’d have been told where to go.

How lovely to be offered the chance of a memento and quite natural to want his boys to have a personal keepsake of their DF but what dreadful behaviour on the part of that one partner! I'd say she was a vulture except that vultures perform a very useful role for the environment, unlike her..

Very sorry for anyone experiencing inappropriate behavious during their time of loss 💐

After reading that particular post I agree with @Dawncleo62 . The daughter sounds grabby and has obviously caused her pain. She wouldn’t get over my doorstep unless there was a major change of attitude, grieving or not.

First of all, I am very sorry for your loss!

I don't know your friend so it's difficult to judge the situation. A lot has to do with perception as well.

But just to play devils advocate - maybe she just wants to share her story and there is no underlying motive? I constantly have conversations about our financial struggles (relatively speaking) with my friend and we are both not well off at all and therefore not worried about underlying motives. When I had money I would try and help my closest friends who were in a pickle and I have also been helped at times. But these friends are very close.

The thing is that there is also a danger of becoming overly suspicious of people who are not as well off and you might end up just questioning everyone.

I am in line to inherit a lot of money one day thanks to my hard working father - a course of life I never followed myself as I like keeping things simple personally and I am by no means entitled to his money, it's just something that will inevitably happen. I like to believe that the people I have always been friends with will still be my friends. There is so much money that I would probably discreetly help some of them.

But short of cutting off all your acquaintances you need to ask yourself whether or not this person cares about you in other ways and if you would you be terribly disappointed not having her as a friend. I gathered that you weren't terribly close to begin with so maybe just let it fizzle out.
But many people make bad decisions in life and if I cut all of them off I wouldn't have anyone left and it's not always fair to judge someone just because of their situation or question their motives (again, I wasn't there so I am just trying to look at it from a different perspective)

There are also a lot of reasons why you did not make such decisions and they don't always have something to do with your amazingly disciplined personality but they are often circumstantial - I for example never ended up with a bad husband or drug issues and STDs because I have always been a rather boring down to earth person who didn't like going to parties and I was also not hot and demure enough for the most awful breed of men out there.

Would it be any different if I looked like Linda Evangelista in her prime and had been more popular in school? Quite possibly (sorry I don't mean to imply that you are boring by the way, just letting you know what I think contributed to me not being that way). It's not for me to judge what anyone else is doing.

But what you can do is control your reaction and simply not give in to such comments like "woe me, my life is bad and I am so poor" If you ignore these comments you'll see how long she'll stick around. If she is really destitute get her some food shopping - that's what I do and has helped a lot when my friends were in a pickle. It doesn't cost the earth but her reaction to it will speak volumes.

She might well have caused her pain, but the only information in that post is that she asked about her dad's ashes and the house. Neither of which is in itself unreasonable. Though it depends how she asked in the latter case.

Most parents who remarry do make provision for their children in their will, of course.

But no, I'm not going to criticise someone asking about their father's ashes. Bringing my late husband's ashes home was the thing that tipped my daughter over the edge of her grief. She'd kept it together up to that point.

@Dawncleo62 said very clearly that she had caused her a lot of pain, and that despite inheriting 20k, she was asking about the house, which had never belonged to her dad. That would set the alarm bells off with me too. As I said, major change of attitude needed, as well as consideration that @Dawncleo62 was grieving too.