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Original poster

Inheritance. 'Friend' crying poor.

382 replies

mercylews · 10/03/2023 13:13

My husband passed away in August last year. We both lived very nice lives and both had great careers. I still do and will never give up working. Ever. He died very unexpectedly but was healthy. (The reason I mention this is to hone in on the level of grief and shock I had experienced). We were fortunate enough to live in a very nice part of London as well as have property elsewhere in the world. Since he passed... the questions that have come my way regarding money have been mind-blowing to say the least. Crass crass crass. People have had no qualms about asking me what I am going to do with 'the properties' and 'the money'. Even the phrase 'the money' makes my skin crawl.

But more than that, what's shocked me is the amount of people who come to me asking me to invest in their businesses, 'pick my brain' for financial advice. One even 'jokingly' asked me to buy a home as an investment that her and her 3 year old could live in and she oh-so-sweetly offered to pay me rent... but 'mates rate rent'. Then started laughing awkwardly. I understand that this is to be expected a little given his profile shall we way... but it is still shocking - and yet I know I shouldn't be surprised. I hate the word 'inheritance'. It cheapens the relationship you shared with someone and is so clinical.

This same person who asked me to buy another home (because that's normal, right?) has since cried poor at every opportunity and ALLLLLLL she talks about how hard up she is. If I mention I am out of the house for the day, she will immediately reply with 'Ohhhhhhh, I misssss going out! But then I had a kid and now I have not nothing!!!! HAHAHAHA' Bear in mind if I am out for the day; it's to get some air, cry, grieve. I have not been partying since my husband died....!?!? If anything... I have become a bit of a loner.

(She is in a bind because of her own bad choices and she had a child with a waster of a man who screwed her over). She keeps talking about how great my life must be... I can promise you; it is not. Her idea of 'fun' is drinks and shopping and travelling the world yet she doesn't have to funds to do it and now that she has a child, I feel like she uses him as a way to 'cry poor' to me. Yesterday was the final straw as she moaned about not having money to fund his nursery fees and said 'But if only I had help...' and trailed off from here. Horrible to say the least.

I have valued my financial independence and can still manage to live the same life I had lived even before meeting my husband due to my own background/career except now my life is surrounded by people constantly wanting to talk about money. I feel dirty even writing this post. I just want to cry.

Please note I'm being careful to not say too much in this post as it may be outing to my H and others.

OP posts:
oosha · 11/03/2023 18:05

Honestly after what you have been through, you need people around who can make you laugh and enjoy life again. Life is short as you know and this person isn’t a friend, she is a leach trying to take everything she can get. Honestly just cut off contact.

Rosscameasdoody · 11/03/2023 18:07

I think most people who haven’t experienced the loss of a life partner have trouble realising that you don’t just lose a partner, you lose your whole way of life that was connected and woven around them. For your so called friends to be concentrating on your money and trying to coerce you into making any decisions, let alone financial ones when you are grieving is utterly reprehensible. Anyone who imposes on you like this is not your friend, and you need to be very, very careful around them. Make it clear that you are in no position to make important decisions about anything, and that you are concentrating on being kind to yourself until you can come to terms with your loss and decide how you want to move forward. If anyone has a problem with that, it’s their problem, not yours. I’ve been through the loss of a life partner of 40 years myself, so I know what you’re going through. My sincerest condolences on your loss.

GordonBennett345 · 11/03/2023 18:10

IhearyouClemFandango · 10/03/2023 13:43

It's not like you've inherited money you never had, this was yours all along but shared with someone else. Do these people think that now you don't have a partner in life you're going to be open to manipulation?

This. It's not an inheritance. Not that her behaviour would be OK if it were. 💐

Pherian · 11/03/2023 18:11

I’m really sorry for your loss. At a time when people should be there for you as a friend they are trying to profit from your loss and take advantage.

I assume they wouldn’t have considered asking for money previously and it’s only now after you’ve lost your partner that they are trying to engineer ways to get ahold of your finances.

You don’t owe anyone anything. No explanations. No reasoning. Not even a response to this behaviour.

I would ignore these people so deeply that even they would start to question their own existence.

Pupinski · 11/03/2023 18:13

I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

I wouldn't judge your friend for the dodgy life choices she's made - we've all made mistakes and some turn out to be more significant than others.

But this is a toxic friendship and you need to walk away for your own sanity.... and hers. She needs to learn to stand on her own two feet and stop dreaming about a fairy godmother solving her financial problems.

You need your space to grieve, and that means distancing yourself from people who want to take advantage.

I wish you peace and all the very best for what lies ahead.

CantGetNoSleeeeeeep · 11/03/2023 18:16

This friend sounds awful and not a friend. Look after you and when you are ready you need and deserve new friends. Please give this woman a wide berth

MrsJaxTeller3 · 11/03/2023 18:18

mercylews · 10/03/2023 13:13

My husband passed away in August last year. We both lived very nice lives and both had great careers. I still do and will never give up working. Ever. He died very unexpectedly but was healthy. (The reason I mention this is to hone in on the level of grief and shock I had experienced). We were fortunate enough to live in a very nice part of London as well as have property elsewhere in the world. Since he passed... the questions that have come my way regarding money have been mind-blowing to say the least. Crass crass crass. People have had no qualms about asking me what I am going to do with 'the properties' and 'the money'. Even the phrase 'the money' makes my skin crawl.

But more than that, what's shocked me is the amount of people who come to me asking me to invest in their businesses, 'pick my brain' for financial advice. One even 'jokingly' asked me to buy a home as an investment that her and her 3 year old could live in and she oh-so-sweetly offered to pay me rent... but 'mates rate rent'. Then started laughing awkwardly. I understand that this is to be expected a little given his profile shall we way... but it is still shocking - and yet I know I shouldn't be surprised. I hate the word 'inheritance'. It cheapens the relationship you shared with someone and is so clinical.

This same person who asked me to buy another home (because that's normal, right?) has since cried poor at every opportunity and ALLLLLLL she talks about how hard up she is. If I mention I am out of the house for the day, she will immediately reply with 'Ohhhhhhh, I misssss going out! But then I had a kid and now I have not nothing!!!! HAHAHAHA' Bear in mind if I am out for the day; it's to get some air, cry, grieve. I have not been partying since my husband died....!?!? If anything... I have become a bit of a loner.

(She is in a bind because of her own bad choices and she had a child with a waster of a man who screwed her over). She keeps talking about how great my life must be... I can promise you; it is not. Her idea of 'fun' is drinks and shopping and travelling the world yet she doesn't have to funds to do it and now that she has a child, I feel like she uses him as a way to 'cry poor' to me. Yesterday was the final straw as she moaned about not having money to fund his nursery fees and said 'But if only I had help...' and trailed off from here. Horrible to say the least.

I have valued my financial independence and can still manage to live the same life I had lived even before meeting my husband due to my own background/career except now my life is surrounded by people constantly wanting to talk about money. I feel dirty even writing this post. I just want to cry.

Please note I'm being careful to not say too much in this post as it may be outing to my H and others.

I read this and it resonated so much with me, I came into an 'inheritance' through losing someone very important to me, I cannot tell you how it altered me and my perception of people, mind blowing.

I already had property abroad before that but the amount of people willing to 'come with you for moral support...' or who have '...always wanted to visit X and never been able to afford the hotels...' since has been stupendous, hinting it wouldn't cost much more for me to pay for their flights and find their holiday etc.

Before my loss I also had someone play the long game of becoming my friend and then having a nice month free accommodation, expecting to be waited on hand and foot, never lifting a finger or offering to pay for the food or drink etc, and dropping me as soon as the plane touched down, then telling people in my circle all I did was work on the house, garden or socialise with the locals and it was a boring holiday tipped me over.

You have lost your husband, and to be blunt he was more important than the money you e gained becuase of that, give it to charity or tell said friend you've got a gambling problem and got none left, feed some major bullshit and she will leave you be rather than carry on like this.

I'm so sorry for your loss, but would he want you to have to deal with this? Can you move abroad and get a job there? That may be my move.

LovelyIssues · 11/03/2023 18:22

You have terrible friends OP. I'm sorry to say that. And I'm sorry you've had such a horrific ordeal

GreekDogRescue · 11/03/2023 18:29

Im sorry. I am comfortably off and have had similar user friends. All you can do is cut them off. Having this space creates opportunities for better people to come into your life.

goddaton · 11/03/2023 18:30

Been in a similar situation, not possibly on the same scale, but none the less inheriting a small cottage and cash - then similar sob stories started. I asked a friend who is in the finance world what to do, he gave very sage advice, say to people that its been left in a life interest trust (even though thats a porky) and although you can enjoy the properties etc you can't touch the capital. It worked, no more sob stories.

Ageandexperience · 11/03/2023 18:34

She is not a friend. End the “friendship”. Goodness knows you have enough to deal with. All the best for your future.

AhNowTed · 11/03/2023 18:38

whumpthereitis · 10/03/2023 13:20

There’s a difference between a friend, and a parasite looking for a host.

She has zero interest in supporting you through an awful loss, because she sees said awful loss as an opportunity for her. She sees vulnerability she intends to exploit. That isn’t someone that’s ever going to add value to your life, and you’d be wise to get rid.

All of this.

Complexmedicalmum · 11/03/2023 18:46

Bet if you confront her, she will make out that she has never said any of those things to suggest you give her money….gaslight you to make you feel guilty.

Sadly this is something I have experienced and my grief gave my the push to re evaluate unhealthy non reciprocal relationships. Even when my son was dying i had one family member send me a bill for something they couldn’t afford and one guilt trip me for the money they spent on trains to visit him in hospital, how inconvenient it was and how much money they lost in work. I always paid for things and it became what they saw me as good for, resenting the times they had to put their hand in their pocket

I cut lots of people off and it wasn’t because I was angry or hurt it was because I realized I didn’t have to put up with it and at a time when (rarely) I needed support - the people that were there because they wanted to be were the ones that I wanted to keep - life is way to short 😞

MMBaranova · 11/03/2023 18:52

Nothing like this has happened to me, but over in the cousin zone (a cousin's wife) there was something similar. Her unmarried and childless uncle left her property. It was a half share of two properties, with the other half share going to another niece. Once settled she stood to gain a life enhancing sum, but there was probate, properties to sell, a tenant in one of them and so on. It wasn't something that would resolve quickly.

She did plan to pass some of the inheritance on to others once the dust had settled, but what she didn't foresee was how other family members would start staking their claims and having plans for what she should be doing. They thought they were due a share, things could be hurried up, investments in business plans could be floated and so on.

Went NC with a couple of them. 'This is alienating and upsetting' is the tone of what she told some of the vultures. Am not sure what happened to the monies in the end but I suspect the bulk went into buying a better property plus some rainy day investments.

PurpleSky300 · 11/03/2023 18:54

I am so sorry for the loss of your husband, OP.
Your friend needs to take a long look at herself and you need to distance yourself a bit because it seems like she doesn’t care about you as a person and is consumed by her own needs.

Try not to see it as a ‘personal’ thing, because it isn’t personal. It is most likely just that, well, being poor is grim. And if you’re poor and friends with someone who seems to have everything, it feels even worse. It can make people jealous, resentful and desperate, they forget their manners, they lose all tact. It’s deeply undignified to be making those grasping comments about ‘help’ etc, you’ve got to be a in a bad headspace to do that but I can see how it happens. The same way that some people lose all empathy for someone’s suffering if it turns out they are wealthy. It’s not right but it’s human nature… the idea that money will make all of life’s ills disappear is a very entrenched one.

Trishthedish · 11/03/2023 18:59

I am sorry for your loss.
this person is unworthy of your time, never mind your money. Your new future is one that you never imagined or envisaged, concentrate on that. I wish you well.

Norriscolesbag · 11/03/2023 19:03

Yes they will come out of the woodwork, even in times of grief and no matter how quiet you keep things. It’s a shock who does at times. Mine was compensation money so not as upsetting circumstances as yours but still horrendous to get to that place.

Just block is my advice. Hope you are ok.

Tusue · 11/03/2023 19:05

So sorry for your sad loss, it must be a terrible time for you,💐
However friendship and a friends love are given unconditionally come hell or high water and she is not a friend.
If you can ,block her out of your life ,real friends want nothing but your time and your company .

ThreeRingCircus · 11/03/2023 19:10

It doesn't sound like she brings anything positive to your life. I'd just tell her that you're still grieving the loss of DH and you need time and space, thank you for your understanding etc etc.

Then that time you need away from her? Make it forever.

AlbertaAnnie · 11/03/2023 19:12

She sounds cheeky, entitled and inconsiderate. Ditch her and find other friends!
also I’m very for the loss of your husband so suddenly- that must have been awful

Luredbyapomegranate · 11/03/2023 19:13

I’m really sorry for your loss OP.

But if this woman isn’t a close friend I am
not sure why it’s such a huge issue. Poor form yes - but you can easily remove her from your life. I assumed from your first post she was a supposed best mate. As you say the other nosy parkers are your husband’s colleagues who you also don’t need to see.

I hope you have some other good friends you are able to lean on.

fairydust11 · 11/03/2023 19:24

Op, I’m really sorry for your loss, but this woman is not a friend. 💐
I think you need to cut her out of your life, stop messaging, meeting up and talking to her, she sounds awful and not what you need at a time like this, true friends don’t behave like this.
Just send a message to say you need space and then block her.

Chevybaby · 11/03/2023 19:29

I just find it soooo hard to believe that this mother friend would approach OP in this way if they weren't in fact real friends before. If they aren’t really friends, why is OP continuing to endure these inappropriate statements? I think there's way more to this and OP is ripping apart her friend's behaviour to make herself feel better about not being willing to help.

For balance:

She is in a bind because of her own bad choices and she had a child with a waster of a man who screwed her over". How judgmental is this?? This planet is absolutely bursting at the seams with women who had babies with guys who were really wonderful to begin with but then turned into bullying monsters and/or completely bailed on them and the bairns when life got tough.

One even 'jokingly' asked me to buy a home as an investment that her and her 3 year old could live in and she oh-so-sweetly offered to pay me rent... but 'mates rate rent'. Then started laughing awkwardly.
Mates rates rent could really just mean fair rent. Honestly how a single working mother affords a bedroom for themselves and one or more children in 2023 is beyond me. Where I live 2 bed flats that sell for £120k (so what, £450 per month mortgage) are rented for £1400+ pcm right now!
So yes I really don't understand why the above is such an absurd suggestion, it's not like she's asking for anything for free. What's really absurd is the idea that someone just has millions sitting in the bank doing nothing when they could actually enable a mother and her young child to have a secure home at literally no financial inconvenience to themselves. I know we all need to pick who to help, if I gave a quid to every person in the street who asked me I'd be destitute myself. But I really don't think what the pal suggested is on the whole a mad concept.

Her idea of 'fun' is drinks and shopping and travelling the world yet she doesn't have to funds to do it and now that she has a child, I feel like she uses him as a way to 'cry poor' to me.
Umm I'm pretty sure traveling and wine and buying nice things is a lot of people's idea of fun.
And by using her child “as a way to cry poor me”, do you
possibly mean “discusses how difficult it is to raise a toddler in a society that seems to have been designed to keep mothers down”? Childcare: unaffordable. Many workplaces: unflexible. Benefits: unliveable. For many it’s a no-win situation no matter how hard they try and too right they might complain about it.

I actually feel dead sad for the friend that she is so desperate that she would go as far as to approach someone as ungenerous as you OP for help.
I'm truly sorry for your loss but I think you are not being fair or indeed kind in this instance. You don't have to help her if you don't want to but you don't need to make her out to be a monster.

VestaTilley · 11/03/2023 19:32

I am so terribly sorry for your loss, OP. What a dreadful shock 💐

Your friends sound simply awful. At just a year on from your worst possible loss your friends should still be bringing you meals, checking up on you and asking how you are, NOT hinting and asking for money!! WTAF.

I would honestly phase the worst of these people out. They’re insensitive users who are seeking to leech off you, rather than support you in your hour of need. Drop and find much nicer friends. I wish you all the best.

Bloopsie · 11/03/2023 19:35

These people are not your friends.