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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DDs bully inviting her to birthday party should I say something to the DM?

222 replies

Fifi0000 · 09/03/2023 08:34

I received a text message inviting DD to her bully's birthday party. She's called my daughter fat , excluded her from games , pushed her into a hot radiator. I have had to contact the school on a few occasions about this girls behaviour towards my DD. My DD couldn't even have a party last year as she didn't want the bully to come and her life at school would be miserable if she didn't invite her . They are late primary so the child will have specifically asked for my DD to go and it's an expensive trampoline party.

Part of me wants to tell the DM why DD won't be going but I think the DM would tell her so my DD would be further picked on at school. What would you MNers say ?

OP posts:
FoxInSocksSatOnBlocks · 09/03/2023 08:35

YABU. You wouldn’t be doing your DD any favours. Just don’t go.

Mortimercat · 09/03/2023 08:35

Just say she / you have other plans that day.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 09/03/2023 08:35

No, just say thanks for the invite but DD has another party to go to that day.

Or something

ZeroFuchsGiven · 09/03/2023 08:40

Im probably going to be in the minority here but I would say something, I wouldn't be able to stop myself. I think half the time with bullying the school don't actually tell the parents of the bully or give them a watered down version. If I found out one of my kids were bullying someone I would come down on them like a ton of bricks and I hope any other parent would do the same.

MumOf2workOptions · 09/03/2023 08:43

Hi xxxx
I'm sorry I think I must have been sent this in error
Surely after fat shaming my daughter and nearly giving her 3rd degree burns on a radiator and generally making her life hell your daughter doesn't request the pleasure of the company of mine

Done ✔️

Elsanore · 09/03/2023 08:45

MumOf2workOptions · 09/03/2023 08:43

Hi xxxx
I'm sorry I think I must have been sent this in error
Surely after fat shaming my daughter and nearly giving her 3rd degree burns on a radiator and generally making her life hell your daughter doesn't request the pleasure of the company of mine

Done ✔️

Definitely don't sent this ffs.

Luredbyapomegranate · 09/03/2023 08:45

If you’ve been to the school to discuss this child’s behaviour, surely her mum already knows about it??

PuttingDownRoots · 09/03/2023 08:46

Having been in the position of your DD... my worry would be that she has been invited to be the scapegoat.

SimplySipping · 09/03/2023 08:46

Just say you're busy. We think we'd accept this kind of accusation calmly and listen to it, but in practice a lot of parents will get angry and believe their own child (who is likely to deny it.) Especially if they don't know you well.

Elsanore · 09/03/2023 08:47

Maybe talk it over with your DD and see how she feels and decide what to do next together. Something where you and your DD both are mature and calm and don't inflame anything.

Tempone · 09/03/2023 08:48

I am quite good at these discussions and not getting heated, so I think I would say, "I'm notbsurr if school have madr you aware but x x x x x " so I'm sure you can understand why dd isn't going"

Original poster
Fifi0000 · 09/03/2023 08:51

It's actually my birthday meal on the day, so I already have an excuse. I don't think I will tell the DM but I think that the girl has invited her with not the best intentions.__

OP posts:
BaroldFromEastenders · 09/03/2023 08:51

“I’m declining your kind invitation on the basis of your dds recent shitty behaviour towards mine. Thanks all the best.”

not really - I would probably just decline it - either the mum knows and doesn’t care of it could make things worse for your dd at school. It’s unlikely to result in the bully suddenly behaving decently towards your dd. Asking your dd what she wants to do would be a good idea

SoupDragon · 09/03/2023 08:51

MumOf2workOptions · 09/03/2023 08:43

Hi xxxx
I'm sorry I think I must have been sent this in error
Surely after fat shaming my daughter and nearly giving her 3rd degree burns on a radiator and generally making her life hell your daughter doesn't request the pleasure of the company of mine

Done ✔️

Absolutely do NOT send this.

just arrange something else for the day so that you're busy.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 09/03/2023 08:51

MumOf2workOptions · 09/03/2023 08:43

Hi xxxx
I'm sorry I think I must have been sent this in error
Surely after fat shaming my daughter and nearly giving her 3rd degree burns on a radiator and generally making her life hell your daughter doesn't request the pleasure of the company of mine

Done ✔️

No. Just no.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 09/03/2023 08:52

Fifi0000 · 09/03/2023 08:51

It's actually my birthday meal on the day, so I already have an excuse. I don't think I will tell the DM but I think that the girl has invited her with not the best intentions.__

I would agree op. A simple thanks but no thanks we are busy will suffice.

DrMeredithGrey2023 · 09/03/2023 08:53

I wouldn't give an excuse.

Just say she won't be coming.

WimpoleHat · 09/03/2023 08:53

I’d send a curt but strictly polite reply. “Thank you for the invitation - X is unable to attend.” I was in a similar situation once and it worked; the other mother was clearly a little puzzled and flustered by it (she’d usually get a “oh - such a shame, she’s so sorry to miss it but we’re away that weekend” type response) and sent me a few “oh - that’s a shame, PartyBully will be sorry…..” type messages back. I let her stew on it (but it could’ve opened up a conversation if I’d wanted it to, if that makes sense?).

Mamamia7962 · 09/03/2023 08:53

Tempting as it is to say something I wouldn't. It will just give the bully more ammunition to use against your daughter. Just reply that you are already busy that day.

Pinkdelight3 · 09/03/2023 08:54

Christ don't send that arsy reply suggested above. The mum presumably has no clue about her child's behaviour and being confrontational achieves nothing. I'd probably politely decline, as long as the bullying is being dealt with effectively by the school - that's the place to address any of this. It's extreme not to have a party because of the bully though. Surely she could still have had a small party.

LadyKenya · 09/03/2023 08:56

Luredbyapomegranate · 09/03/2023 08:45

If you’ve been to the school to discuss this child’s behaviour, surely her mum already knows about it??

This. It seems strange how she could not know.

Verylongtime · 09/03/2023 08:57

”Thank you for the invitation to xx’s party, but yy is unable to attend.”

CalistoNoSolo · 09/03/2023 08:58

I probably would have spoken to the mother of the bully before this point, so it wouldn't come as a surprise when I declined the invite due to her child's behaviour. I would do this with DD's blessing however. But, I think I would have moved DD to a different school if there were multiple bullying incidents. No child should have a shit time at school because of endless bullying, particularly at primary.

Nappyvalley15 · 09/03/2023 09:03

Not sure. Is this y6? Will they be going to the same secondary school? Is she still bullying your child or has it stopped?

If I thought the bullying was in the past, I would see what my dd wanted to do.

If it is ongoing then just decline and keep working with the school for a proper resolution.

I wouldn't stir the pot further with an arsey reply - especially if my dd would be going to the same secondary school.

Mamamia7962 · 09/03/2023 09:04

If you and the bully's mother have exchanged phone numbers do you know her quite well? I would have raised it with the mother before now if that's the case.

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