DDs bully inviting her to birthday party should I say something to the DM?

[Fifi0000]

I received a text message inviting DD to her bully's birthday party. She's called my daughter fat , excluded her from games , pushed her into a hot radiator. I have had to contact the school on a few occasions about this girls behaviour towards my DD. My DD couldn't even have a party last year as she didn't want the bully to come and her life at school would be miserable if she didn't invite her . They are late primary so the child will have specifically asked for my DD to go and it's an expensive trampoline party.

Part of me wants to tell the DM why DD won't be going but I think the DM would tell her so my DD would be further picked on at school. What would you MNers say ?

Politely decline
It may have been a poor attempt at an olive branch but I'd question her motive
Don't rise to it, I wouldn't want my DD to go either way tbh
Hope you have a lovely birthday meal @Fifi0000
Be interesting to see how many others have declined though

I might be inclined to say that DD isn't coming as they're not friends.
My DD had a prickly 'friendship' and the school were involved as some of the behaviour had happened at school in front of the teachers.
DD disliked this girl very much, but it was a small school and hard to avoid her.
I was amazed by her Mum actually asking me face to face for my DD to come to her daughter's party. When I said she was unlikely to want to come due to ongoing upset all term she was flabbergasted. Honestly thought there was nothing to her DD's behaviour and 'they're just little girls' Err, no, they're in yr5 so not so little really.
In my experience the 'bully' just did not see her behaviour as wrong in any way and neither did her Mum.
The party refusal did have some repercussions as the other girl finally twigged that DD was not her friend, to her credit she had a sensible conversation with DD and after that they just ignored each other. Luckily for DD the other girl left the school that year and DD had a lovely time in yr6.

I will almost certainly be in the minority but is there any chance this is an olive branch attempt by the DM? Who knows what’s going on behind closed doors; perhaps the DM is doing her best to resolve the situation. Given everything that’s gone on, I can’t see that your DD would enjoy going to the party, but I’d be polite and not aggressive when declining (eg “We are not able to attend but appreciate the invitation”). It could be an important lesson for your DD about the power of rising above bullies (and maybe even forgiveness, even against those who have done harm to us). I talk from experience by the way:- I ended up becoming friends with someone who was initially quite mean to me at school. It turns out that her parents were in the throes of a nasty divorce and she was not coping well … (I’m NOT excusing bullying behaviour by the way - far from it!)

Also, if you haven’t yet talked to the mother in general about the bullying situation and feels it’s still unresolved, I do think that this may also be a good opportunity. You could phone and say “Listen, I was touched when I saw the text and really appreciate you inviting DD. As I’m sure you’re aware, DD and [bully] have had some challenges this term. I’m not sure if you’ve been told all the details but DD’s been really upset about it all. Maybe in a few weeks (when the party is finished), you and I could meet for coffee to chat it through?”

I'd just decline and say she can't make it and don't elaborate. In defence of the mum of the bully, she may not know. One of my DCs was bullying another child when they first started primary school. I didnt know until the child's mum approached me about it, I was mortified! When I asked the school they said they hadn't told me because they were dealing with it (unsuccessfully I might add!) So the other mum might be clueless like I was. My DC stopped as soon as home and school were working together on it.

I’d just say “Thanks for the invitation but DD isn’t able to attend”

A polite refusal is probably the most diplomatic way if you still have a few years of this school ahead though!

If the mother knows about what her daughter has done, maybe she has invited your daughter as some sort of olive branch

I would just reply, thank you for the invitation, but xx won't be attending.

I wouldn't say sorry.

I still wouldn't send her.
A party is a really powerful place for one upmanship behaviour to go unchecked..

Just tell her she won't be going.

I would speak to the mum. Say you are checking that this is done sincerely it could be a good thing that brings them together? But you definitely need to speak to mum first

My first thought was olive branch but I'd just say your daughter can't make it.

This is very simple, you have you're own birthday meal planned which you would want your children at. So its a simple sorry DD can't make it as its at the same time as my bday meal. No-one on this planet is going to say well your DD should still go and miss their own mothers bday celebration and if they do they aren't people you want to hang around with.

I would probably say something if they are going to same secondary school, but wouldn't want to add fuel to the fire. Defo don't send DD to the party Xx

No No No No No

Decline politely but no apology.

God, i wouldn't even bother replying. Of course she isn't going and as school have been involved the parent will surely know why.

I agree, but I wonder if mum could stick around if she went to watch the dynamics. Plus has op even spoke to her daughter about how things are with this girl lately?

Yy to politely declining with no excuse, apology, or explanation.

Speak with your DD and handle calmly together.
But don't get your DD not to have a party because of this bully again.

I think OP would know if her daughter is still being bullied by that girl.

Also why would OP want to put her daughter thought that just top "watch the dynamics" ??

That's bonkers!

Bloody hell it was just a thought, no need to be arsy

Agree with others who say to just decline the invite.

I would be concerned if your daughter were to go to the party that it would put her in a vulnerable position. It may indeed be an olive branch but I don't think I'd want my child being put in that position.

I've witnessed a similar situation when hosting a party and I had to intervene and speak to both sets of parents at pick up.

They were friends in nursery to year 1. It's a hierarchy situation my DD is quite naturally assertive and doesn't fall into line like other girls in the class . My DD is very tall this girl is very small so to others it looks on the surface it's her. If the girl is being mean calling her or her friend fat or pushing her, or throwing things at her DD will call her out which results in the girl doing crocodile tears which the girls then say "You are mean making her cry etc". She's then excluded, DD then feels like the bad guy it's all very manipulative and horrible. I'm very proud DD has retaliated when the other girl has been physical as DD is physically a lot bigger The girls now have split into two groups , this girl is in one my DD is in the other.

I don't understand why the girl would invite her to the party it must have some manipulative undertone.

Should say DD has never physically retaliated against her despite being much taller and broader.