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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DDs bully inviting her to birthday party should I say something to the DM?

222 replies

Fifi0000 · 09/03/2023 08:34

I received a text message inviting DD to her bully's birthday party. She's called my daughter fat , excluded her from games , pushed her into a hot radiator. I have had to contact the school on a few occasions about this girls behaviour towards my DD. My DD couldn't even have a party last year as she didn't want the bully to come and her life at school would be miserable if she didn't invite her . They are late primary so the child will have specifically asked for my DD to go and it's an expensive trampoline party.

Part of me wants to tell the DM why DD won't be going but I think the DM would tell her so my DD would be further picked on at school. What would you MNers say ?

OP posts:
Btjdkfnn · 09/03/2023 09:51

You need to reply saying thanks for the invitation, sorry dd cannot make it as we are at aunty X's house for cousins bday (or some shit)

Don't get into the bullying. It will make it worse.

howmanybicycles · 09/03/2023 09:51

Fifi0000 · 09/03/2023 09:41

She says you are being mean , stop it. It's only when the girl calls them fat, pushes them , throw things. The girl is equally passive aggressive horrible to her own friends but they don't stand up to her.

Show quote history

I'm wondering how the bully girl spins this when she tells her mum what has been happening! I've seen all sorts of false representations of events come from the mouth of children. I wonder if the girl's mum has heard things which make her think it's six of one, half a dozen of the other?

FlippyFloppyShoe · 09/03/2023 09:55

I like the middle ground response by PP. It allows for opening of dialogue and I would judge (yes I know, cardinal sin on MN) the family by the response to that message.
The one thing I would say, that whilst it is not ok what is going on, these are young children who may/may not be able to manage their feelings/emotions adequately yet as it is a learning process and what a child is like in yr1/2 maybe a far cry from what they are like in yr 5/6 when they hopefully have more emotional intelligence (albeit blighted by hormones 🙄).

Original poster
Fifi0000 · 09/03/2023 09:58

howmanybicycles · 09/03/2023 09:51

I'm wondering how the bully girl spins this when she tells her mum what has been happening! I've seen all sorts of false representations of events come from the mouth of children. I wonder if the girl's mum has heard things which make her think it's six of one, half a dozen of the other?

Show quote history

Yeah I contacted school because I didn't want to assume my DD was blameless. Teacher did say that it's just not my DD who's been targeted and there's other girls who have been reporting to the teacher the nastiness. So I'm inclined to believe my DD.

OP posts:
TimeForThunder · 09/03/2023 09:58

"Thank you for the invitation but I'm afraid we have to decline."

No false excuses, no suggestion that you are prevented from attending. Perfectly polite but cold.

Sarahcoggles · 09/03/2023 09:58

Fifi0000 · 09/03/2023 09:38

The other girl also slapped my DDs bum and asked her why her bum is so big. They will be going to the same secondary, I've had the conversation with DD and she says as secondary is so much bigger there's a high chance she won't be in the same class and she doesn't want to miss out on seeing her other friends just because of this girl.

As an aside OP, you can request to be in different classes to avoid specific people. DS2 had a toxic friend at primary, and in year 6 I spoke to his teachers and asked if they could ask the secondary school for them to be separated. This is standard where we are - in fact they ask at year 6 parents evening if there are any kids that you want yours to be kept apart from. DS and his toxic friend were put in separate classes, and as a result they've been able to stay friends because the distance prevents the toxicity!

Prettypaisleyslippers · 09/03/2023 09:58

I would accept the invite and cancel on the day. A reasonable excuse, your daughter is off the hook that way. The expense can be karma to the child being so cruel in the past.

HedwigIsMyDemon · 09/03/2023 09:58

@Fifi0000 just a word re secondary - if you can let the school know they can take active steps to keep the girls apart. I didn’t do this with my DS and massively regretted it as it took him into Y9 to finally shake the bugger off. Wish I’d said something when it could have made a difference.

HedwigIsMyDemon · 09/03/2023 09:59

Ah @Sarahcoggles beat me to it 😄

ZeroFuchsGiven · 09/03/2023 10:00

Prettypaisleyslippers · 09/03/2023 09:58

I would accept the invite and cancel on the day. A reasonable excuse, your daughter is off the hook that way. The expense can be karma to the child being so cruel in the past.

What an absolutely stupid suggestion.

LadyEloise1 · 09/03/2023 10:02

PuttingDownRoots · 09/03/2023 08:46

Having been in the position of your DD... my worry would be that she has been invited to be the scapegoat.

I thought this could be a possibility too.

howmanybicycles · 09/03/2023 10:03

Fifi0000 · 09/03/2023 09:58

Yeah I contacted school because I didn't want to assume my DD was blameless. Teacher did say that it's just not my DD who's been targeted and there's other girls who have been reporting to the teacher the nastiness. So I'm inclined to believe my DD.

Show quote history

Me too from what you've said. There were some nasty girls like this at my DDs school. Mostly they had nasty mums but I wonder if this mum is in full possession of the facts. That said, I'd be inclined to distance your DD from hers rather than take it on as my job to educate her. That's how we managed the mean girls in dds primary.

whatchaos · 09/03/2023 10:04

CalistoNoSolo · 09/03/2023 08:58

I probably would have spoken to the mother of the bully before this point, so it wouldn't come as a surprise when I declined the invite due to her child's behaviour. I would do this with DD's blessing however. But, I think I would have moved DD to a different school if there were multiple bullying incidents. No child should have a shit time at school because of endless bullying, particularly at primary.

Why should the OP's dd be the one to move?

Bookworm20 · 09/03/2023 10:06

If this girl is targeting other children too and the school are aware, perhaps the mother has had a lot of party invite rejections already and is just going through the class list to try and get numbers up? Seems odd the girl wants her there if she bullies her, but of course it could be manipulative.

I'd reply with a simple, sorry dd can't make it. And leave it there. If the mother is getting this alot, she might start to realise why.

If this child continues to bully your daughter - any other incidents whatsoever, then I would message the mother and make her aware of whats going on. From experience the schools rarely deal with this stuff effectively and the bullies parents have little to no clue the extent of their little darlings behaviour.

Original poster
Fifi0000 · 09/03/2023 10:06

whatchaos · 09/03/2023 10:04

Why should the OP's dd be the one to move?

Show quote history

My DD doesn't want to move school she has other friends and generally likes school it's just this other girl and her minions that cause my DD grief.

OP posts:
Verylongtime · 09/03/2023 10:07

Prettypaisleyslippers · 09/03/2023 09:58

I would accept the invite and cancel on the day. A reasonable excuse, your daughter is off the hook that way. The expense can be karma to the child being so cruel in the past.

That’s an awful, childish thing to do. That would be terrible parenting and a poor example to your own child.

stuckonpills · 09/03/2023 10:07

MumOf2workOptions · 09/03/2023 08:43

Hi xxxx
I'm sorry I think I must have been sent this in error
Surely after fat shaming my daughter and nearly giving her 3rd degree burns on a radiator and generally making her life hell your daughter doesn't request the pleasure of the company of mine

Done ✔️

I would send this too

Bunnyishotandcross · 09/03/2023 10:08

Is she using the party invite as another bullying tactic? If she clearly thinks your dd is fat bouncing on a trampoline doesn't always paint any person in the best light.... Awful to say but she sounds an awful bully.
Swerve the invite op.

Cats23 · 09/03/2023 10:09

I would say something too tbh!

Fraaahnces · 09/03/2023 10:10

Just send an RSVP with “She has other commitments that day” and leave them hanging. Generally bullies learn from their families and there is a very good chance that Mum will bail you up either before or afterwards and you can honestly tell her that it’s your birthday too, and you have something organised with family from elsewhere and she’s been very excited about that for some time. Not (entirely) untrue and DD can’t be targeted by anyone (and neither can you.

Quitelikeit · 09/03/2023 10:11

The hesitancy always confuses me and some parents should be ashamed.

If this was my daughter then I’d want to know what she had been doing. You shouldn’t assume the school have told her mother because they don’t always bother.

Do not accept the invite. You may find many others have rejected it for same reasons

irisetta · 09/03/2023 10:11

ZeroFuchsGiven · 09/03/2023 08:40

Im probably going to be in the minority here but I would say something, I wouldn't be able to stop myself. I think half the time with bullying the school don't actually tell the parents of the bully or give them a watered down version. If I found out one of my kids were bullying someone I would come down on them like a ton of bricks and I hope any other parent would do the same.

Excellent! Totally agree. I would be devastated if either of my kids were found to be bullying, equally if either of my kids were to be bullied my fury would know no bounds. It needs to be stamped out in immediately. I will not have my kids go through what I did, not now, not EVER.

Moltenpink · 09/03/2023 10:12

It’s really normal where I live, the parents all just stay for a coffee & chat. Both my kids have picked up painful injuries at past trampolining parties, so I’d be inclined to stay anyway!

Moltenpink · 09/03/2023 10:13

Moltenpink · 09/03/2023 10:12

It’s really normal where I live, the parents all just stay for a coffee & chat. Both my kids have picked up painful injuries at past trampolining parties, so I’d be inclined to stay anyway!

Sorry, this was in reply to @ZeroFuchsGiven

Vegrocks · 09/03/2023 10:15

My DD couldn't even have a party last year as she didn't want the bully to come and her life at school would be miserable if she didn't invite her .

op, this is pretty bloody serious and you and the school seem to have been very lax about addressing it. Hard and fast.