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AIBU?

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Original poster

DDs bully inviting her to birthday party should I say something to the DM?

222 replies

Fifi0000 · 09/03/2023 08:34

I received a text message inviting DD to her bully's birthday party. She's called my daughter fat , excluded her from games , pushed her into a hot radiator. I have had to contact the school on a few occasions about this girls behaviour towards my DD. My DD couldn't even have a party last year as she didn't want the bully to come and her life at school would be miserable if she didn't invite her . They are late primary so the child will have specifically asked for my DD to go and it's an expensive trampoline party.

Part of me wants to tell the DM why DD won't be going but I think the DM would tell her so my DD would be further picked on at school. What would you MNers say ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Fifi0000 · 09/03/2023 10:15

Moltenpink · 09/03/2023 10:12

It’s really normal where I live, the parents all just stay for a coffee & chat. Both my kids have picked up painful injuries at past trampolining parties, so I’d be inclined to stay anyway!

Not in late primary school because kids don't want their parents there. It's not cool and I wouldn't want to make my DD anymore of a target. If she sustained an injury, the trampoline place would phone me, I would stay in the area go to a restaurant nearby but no I wouldn't stay within the party. They recently had an invite parents to school to do reading together , I asked DD and she begged me not to go as it would be embarrassing.

OP posts:
Vegrocks · 09/03/2023 10:16

Prettypaisleyslippers · 09/03/2023 09:58

I would accept the invite and cancel on the day. A reasonable excuse, your daughter is off the hook that way. The expense can be karma to the child being so cruel in the past.

Seriously? How bizarre. Do you have children?

HikingforScenery · 09/03/2023 10:19

Fifi0000 · 09/03/2023 09:33

They were friends in nursery to year 1. It's a hierarchy situation my DD is quite naturally assertive and doesn't fall into line like other girls in the class . My DD is very tall this girl is very small so to others it looks on the surface it's her. If the girl is being mean calling her or her friend fat or pushing her, or throwing things at her DD will call her out which results in the girl doing crocodile tears which the girls then say "You are mean making her cry etc". She's then excluded, DD then feels like the bad guy it's all very manipulative and horrible. I'm very proud DD has retaliated when the other girl has been physical as DD is physically a lot bigger The girls now have split into two groups , this girl is in one my DD is in the other.

I don't understand why the girl would invite her to the party it must have some manipulative undertone.

Show quote history

Why are you wasting headspace on the “undertones”. Just give your excuses and leave it.

Vegrocks · 09/03/2023 10:20

This party invite situation would be the least of my concerns

I can’t get my head around accepting my daughter so unhappy / anxious that she couldn’t have a party due to this bully.

The overall issue needs to be your top priority

not a flipping party invite

Dutch1e · 09/03/2023 10:20

I really think I would say something when declining the invitation.... maybe along the lines of "DD won't be there but thanks for the invitation. Has the school made you fully aware of what's been happening?"

While I totally understand why a lot people wouldn't say anything, it makes me itchy when important conversations go unspoken. It's unfair to assume that this girl's parents have all the information.

holierthanthou73 · 09/03/2023 10:20

MumOf2workOptions · 09/03/2023 08:43

Hi xxxx
I'm sorry I think I must have been sent this in error
Surely after fat shaming my daughter and nearly giving her 3rd degree burns on a radiator and generally making her life hell your daughter doesn't request the pleasure of the company of mine

Done ✔️

I’m with you on this! Spiteful little bitch the parent needs to know what an angel there daughter is

Original poster
Fifi0000 · 09/03/2023 10:22

Vegrocks · 09/03/2023 10:15

My DD couldn't even have a party last year as she didn't want the bully to come and her life at school would be miserable if she didn't invite her .

op, this is pretty bloody serious and you and the school seem to have been very lax about addressing it. Hard and fast.

From what DD has said recently it seems to have eased, the girl has been picking more on her own friendship group. The girls have split into two groups and don't play together anymore. The girl was trying to take my DDs friends away to play but this has stopped as they started refusing. I don't know if it will start up again I hope not.

I feel a party is not neutral ground , DD has to buy her a present and has to then be nice to her even if the girl is horrible as DD will look like the bad one. DD has decided this year she will have a shopping and sleepover with a couple of close friends so no party and she gets extra birthday money.

OP posts:
HikingforScenery · 09/03/2023 10:22

Vegrocks · 09/03/2023 10:20

This party invite situation would be the least of my concerns

I can’t get my head around accepting my daughter so unhappy / anxious that she couldn’t have a party due to this bully.

The overall issue needs to be your top priority

not a flipping party invite

I agrée with this. Suzy a shame you’re letting the girl’s nastiness affect your DD’s life out of school to the extent that she couldn’t have a birthday party,

holierthanthou73 · 09/03/2023 10:22

holierthanthou73 · 09/03/2023 10:20

I’m with you on this! Spiteful little bitch the parent needs to know what an angel there daughter is

Show quote history

*their

JacobsCrackersCheeseFogg · 09/03/2023 10:22

Just say you're busy that day but offer no apology.
F* that.

purpledalmation · 09/03/2023 10:23

Can you go too. Trampoline parties are a place parents can sit and have a coffee. You can monitor the situation then.

Vegrocks · 09/03/2023 10:24

Fifi0000 · 09/03/2023 10:22

From what DD has said recently it seems to have eased, the girl has been picking more on her own friendship group. The girls have split into two groups and don't play together anymore. The girl was trying to take my DDs friends away to play but this has stopped as they started refusing. I don't know if it will start up again I hope not.

I feel a party is not neutral ground , DD has to buy her a present and has to then be nice to her even if the girl is horrible as DD will look like the bad one. DD has decided this year she will have a shopping and sleepover with a couple of close friends so no party and she gets extra birthday money.

Show quote history

Forget about the bloomin party!!!

This is serious. Your daughter has endured a long time of unhappiness, bullying and anxiety to the extent that she felt she couldn’t celebrate her birthday with a party.

You and the school need to take this bloody seriously and not get distracted by side issues like a party invite

Original poster
Fifi0000 · 09/03/2023 10:24

purpledalmation · 09/03/2023 10:23

Can you go too. Trampoline parties are a place parents can sit and have a coffee. You can monitor the situation then.

No because the children get embarrassed at this age parents don't stay and the kids know who I am so it's not like I could hide.

OP posts:
purpledalmation · 09/03/2023 10:24

There will be other kids there who are not bullies so excluding her may not be for the best. May make her more as target. Just putting a different view.

lazycats · 09/03/2023 10:25

MumOf2workOptions · 09/03/2023 08:43

Hi xxxx
I'm sorry I think I must have been sent this in error
Surely after fat shaming my daughter and nearly giving her 3rd degree burns on a radiator and generally making her life hell your daughter doesn't request the pleasure of the company of mine

Done ✔️

Terrible advice. Ignore this, OP.

ancientgran · 09/03/2023 10:25

Fifi0000 · 09/03/2023 09:38

The other girl also slapped my DDs bum and asked her why her bum is so big. They will be going to the same secondary, I've had the conversation with DD and she says as secondary is so much bigger there's a high chance she won't be in the same class and she doesn't want to miss out on seeing her other friends just because of this girl.

I had a very similar situation with my DD at primary school. I spoke to the senior school when they had an induction day and they were kept apart all the way through senior school. The secondary school was so proactive and when the bully started some rumours about DD they clamped down on it straight away and warned her there were any repercussion, e.g. friends of the bully being nasty to DD because she had "told" on their friend she would be punished with them. After 3 years of misery at primary the secondary school stopped it dead immediately.

I hope your DD has a good experience at senior school.

Verylongtime · 09/03/2023 10:26

holierthanthou73 · 09/03/2023 10:20

I’m with you on this! Spiteful little bitch the parent needs to know what an angel there daughter is

Show quote history

I really think that message is all sorts of wrong in so many ways. Just as an opener, why would you start with “I’m sorry”? And that’s the least of the issues wrong with it.

Jadviga · 09/03/2023 10:26

I was bullied in school for years. My parents said "just ignore them, they'll get tired of it." Worse. Advice. Ever.

Teachers were selectively blind.

Things only changed when I punched someone in the face and by god I wish I'd done it sooner (and hit harder). We moved the year after that (for unrelated reasons) and I went into the next school confident that I would hit anyone who looked at me wrong. Turns out I didn't have to. Si vic pacem, para bellum, as ancient romans would say.

If my DC are ever bullied, sure, I'll give a shot at talking with the school. But if that doesn't resolve things I will encourage them to defend themselves by whatever means necessary. Being the "bigger person" just makes you a victim who conveniently doesn't retaliate, and teachers are happy to ignore the situation as long as they can in my experience.

But this is MN so I'm sure to get flamed for this...

purpledalmation · 09/03/2023 10:26

Give her a phone and any issues she can call you. Basically let her do whatever she wants but give her a backup plan.

Undermyumberellaellaella · 09/03/2023 10:28

Prettypaisleyslippers · 09/03/2023 09:58

I would accept the invite and cancel on the day. A reasonable excuse, your daughter is off the hook that way. The expense can be karma to the child being so cruel in the past.

The daughter can be 'off the hook' straight away when the mum replies 'she's not coming to the party'. Not sure why anyone would go along with it knowing the other kid had been bullying their child Confused

MeridianB · 09/03/2023 10:29

I'm glad she's not going. It would be madness to send her into the lions' den. High probablity that she has been invited to be bullied - esp as it's a physical activity.

And please raise it with the school each and every time your DD is bullied. Make sure you mention bullying in the calls/emails/meetings. Put pressure on the school to explain to you how they are keeping your DD safe from this girl.

Folklore9074 · 09/03/2023 10:29

Sounds like it might be easing off so I’d not want to rock the boat and horrible as the bullying was it didn’t sound like your DD is permanently scarred by the experience so just say your busy that day or some semi plausible excuse, don’t be overly apologetic. If the girl gives your DD shit about it I’d encourage her to stand her ground and then message the mother with the real reason it’s a no.

Maray1967 · 09/03/2023 10:30

WimpoleHat · 09/03/2023 08:53

I’d send a curt but strictly polite reply. “Thank you for the invitation - X is unable to attend.” I was in a similar situation once and it worked; the other mother was clearly a little puzzled and flustered by it (she’d usually get a “oh - such a shame, she’s so sorry to miss it but we’re away that weekend” type response) and sent me a few “oh - that’s a shame, PartyBully will be sorry…..” type messages back. I let her stew on it (but it could’ve opened up a conversation if I’d wanted it to, if that makes sense?).

Exactly this. No friendly chat but strictly polite.

Littlefaeries · 09/03/2023 10:30

Jadviga · 09/03/2023 10:26

I was bullied in school for years. My parents said "just ignore them, they'll get tired of it." Worse. Advice. Ever.

Teachers were selectively blind.

Things only changed when I punched someone in the face and by god I wish I'd done it sooner (and hit harder). We moved the year after that (for unrelated reasons) and I went into the next school confident that I would hit anyone who looked at me wrong. Turns out I didn't have to. Si vic pacem, para bellum, as ancient romans would say.

If my DC are ever bullied, sure, I'll give a shot at talking with the school. But if that doesn't resolve things I will encourage them to defend themselves by whatever means necessary. Being the "bigger person" just makes you a victim who conveniently doesn't retaliate, and teachers are happy to ignore the situation as long as they can in my experience.

But this is MN so I'm sure to get flamed for this...

I always told my dc
1)tell the person to stop
2)try and stop them yourself
3) Hit them once as hard as you can.

My dsis totally disapproved and her ds had 4 years of bullying until he tried my method for himself.

Original poster
Fifi0000 · 09/03/2023 10:31

Vegrocks · 09/03/2023 10:24

Forget about the bloomin party!!!

This is serious. Your daughter has endured a long time of unhappiness, bullying and anxiety to the extent that she felt she couldn’t celebrate her birthday with a party.

You and the school need to take this bloody seriously and not get distracted by side issues like a party invite

Show quote history

I have spoken to DD about this and school. DD had a party the year before and there was a massive drama because I did not invite everyone in the class because it was too expensive. She had months of drama and arguments, she said she didn't want to go through that again or feel like she has to invite everyone or people who are nasty to her. I did support DD and said it was her decision. She didn't want the extra drama and that's her right. I don't think school can supervise absolutely everything . I speak to them and get updates.

OP posts: