Page 9 | DDs bully inviting her to birthday party should I say something to the DM?

Fifi0000 · 2023-03-09T08:34:06+00:00

I received a text message inviting DD to her bully's birthday party. She's called my daughter fat , excluded her from games , pushed her into a hot radiator. I have had to contact the school on a few occasions about this girls behaviour towards my DD. My DD couldn't even have a party last year as she didn't want the bully to come and her life at school would be miserable if she didn't invite her . They are late primary so the child will have specifically asked for my DD to go and it's an expensive trampoline party. Part of me wants to tell the DM why DD won't be going but I think the DM would tell her so my DD would be further picked on at school. What would you MNers say ?

2bazookas · 09/03/2023 12:31

Its possible the bully's mother is trying to build bridges and let the kids make a new start. I would call her to discuss. If that's her intention I'd support it.

MalvernHillbilly · 09/03/2023 12:38

Vegrocks · 09/03/2023 12:19

Sure OP

sure

Teachers (plural!) couldn’t believe that a child could bully another one because they were smaller than the other one 🙄

sure

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I agree with the OP’s perspective on how size difference affects how people perceive bullying. One of my sons was horribly bullied in primary school but the bully was smaller than my son and the headteacher refused to believe that he could be the instigator.

Vegrocks · 09/03/2023 12:41

I would be moving my child as a mature of urgency if a head teacher couldn’t grasp that a bully isn’t always bigger than his or her victim.

Was he 4 years old this head teacher?

Vegrocks · 09/03/2023 12:45

Matter

LuluLehman · 09/03/2023 12:50

PuttingDownRoots · 09/03/2023 08:46

Having been in the position of your DD... my worry would be that she has been invited to be the scapegoat.

This was my first thought.

Do something really nice with your daughter that day.

WalkAwaySugarbear · 09/03/2023 12:51

I'd do a short reply.
DD won't be able to attend the party.

No thank you for the invitation or sorry or explanations. Honestly in the days of old paper invitations there was a box to tick of can/ cannot attend. The mother won't be bothered either way, only counting the numbers to cater for. It may have been that her DD was forced to invite your DD so it didn't look like she was excluding/ bullying her.

Mulhollandmagoo · 09/03/2023 13:07

WimpoleHat · 09/03/2023 08:53

I’d send a curt but strictly polite reply. “Thank you for the invitation - X is unable to attend.” I was in a similar situation once and it worked; the other mother was clearly a little puzzled and flustered by it (she’d usually get a “oh - such a shame, she’s so sorry to miss it but we’re away that weekend” type response) and sent me a few “oh - that’s a shame, PartyBully will be sorry…..” type messages back. I let her stew on it (but it could’ve opened up a conversation if I’d wanted it to, if that makes sense?).

I agree with this, polite but very straight to the point!

JackHackettsMac · 09/03/2023 13:54

@Fifi0000

…the school have been doing extra sessions on friendships for girls only.

Jeez. 🤦🏻‍♀️
This is the sort of pointless shit that incompetent managers do when they’re afraid of confrontation. Instead of speaking to A about their constant lateness and giving them targeted consequences, they hold a staff meeting and witter on about a range of issues and mention lateness in passing. Everyone else knows who the offender is and is pissed off with the manager for being a drip. The offender also knows there are no actual consequences for lateness and they can continue to do what they like.

When will the adults in these scenarios step up and do their job properly, HT included…?

HikingforScenery · 09/03/2023 13:59

whatchaos · 09/03/2023 12:19

I doubt the fact the girl is blonde would have made a difference to the teacher. On the one hand OP it sounds like your DD is ok - the other girl sounds horrible but as she has been nasty to quite a few of the kids in the class and your DD has a strong group of friends she's not isolated nor excluded in school. I'd definitely ask the school to speak to the other girl's parents but with the big split in the friendships etc it sounds like a wider problem than this one girl and your DD.

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I don’t think it’s news that blonde/ blue eyes etc are considered cuter, etc etc do we cznt know but it’s possible

OP, you come across as using the size to justify why your DD is not very effected by the bullying. Do be careful your daughter is not putting on a brave face because that’s the message she’s picking up from you

BadNomad · 09/03/2023 14:00

If the school are involved then the mum already knows her daughter has been bullying others. It is probably her who has encouraged her daughter to invite yours. I doubt she'll be surprised if your DD doesn't go.

MeridianB · 09/03/2023 15:19

BadNomad · 09/03/2023 14:00

If the school are involved then the mum already knows her daughter has been bullying others. It is probably her who has encouraged her daughter to invite yours. I doubt she'll be surprised if your DD doesn't go.

Not necessarily - schools seem to have varying approaches to this. Three strikes, then parents called etc. Sometimes the clock resets after a certain period with out a problem.

MeridianB · 09/03/2023 15:20

JackHackettsMac · 09/03/2023 13:54

@Fifi0000

…the school have been doing extra sessions on friendships for girls only.

Jeez. 🤦🏻‍♀️
This is the sort of pointless shit that incompetent managers do when they’re afraid of confrontation. Instead of speaking to A about their constant lateness and giving them targeted consequences, they hold a staff meeting and witter on about a range of issues and mention lateness in passing. Everyone else knows who the offender is and is pissed off with the manager for being a drip. The offender also knows there are no actual consequences for lateness and they can continue to do what they like.

When will the adults in these scenarios step up and do their job properly, HT included…?

Totally agree and it needs to be called out. We had this at school when one girl was being targetted and the response was to 'have a little reminder about kindness with the whole class'. It's really minimising and they seem amazed when the bully carries on.

jenny38 · 09/03/2023 15:45

The good news is that if this is the last year of primary, you won't have to put up with these dynamics much longer. I would assess that the bully is now realising there are less girls in her gang now. If, and i mean if, your daughter decides she wants to go, tenner in a card rather than picking out a present. However sounds as if she might swerve it.

Scammed21 · 09/03/2023 17:02

TheTurn0fTheScrew · 09/03/2023 09:25

Yy to politely declining with no excuse, apology, or explanation.

Absolutely this - it just find turn up

Scammed21 · 09/03/2023 17:03

Sorry typo - politely declined or just don't turn up

Scammed21 · 09/03/2023 17:08

HorribleNecktie · 09/03/2023 09:40

Just send a brief “sorry she is busy that day” message. Posters on here love to suggest sassy mic drop drama responses like real life operates like a fucking sitcom.

This made me laugh - love it !

LadyEloise1 · 09/03/2023 18:06

@Fifi0000 I would definitely want her new senior school to be aware that your daughter was bullied. I would insist the primary school informs the secondary school she is going to, of the issue or inform the school yourself. You don want your dd's secondary school years marred by nastiness.

Basilis · 09/03/2023 18:11

You never know what may happen in the future. You might find in 5 years' time this girl is the only one your DD knows in German class or something and they start getting on again. It's better to say nothing and just politely decline.

Emotionalsupportviper · 10/03/2023 15:29

Vegrocks · 09/03/2023 12:19

Sure OP

sure

Teachers (plural!) couldn’t believe that a child could bully another one because they were smaller than the other one 🙄

sure

Show quote history

This happened with my DD too, some years ago when she was 6/7. Her bully was half her size and an absolute witch! She scratched my DD very badly, on the face and the backs of her hands. It was the final straw and I went in to the school and spoke to the deputy head who pointed out the size difference and accused my DD of doing it to herself! She didn't - they were deep, bloody scratches and very painful. No way did she do it to herself.

Small children can be just as nasty as larger ones - and they get away with a lot more bad behaviour.

BananaCocktails · 14/05/2023 09:26

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 09/03/2023 08:35

No, just say thanks for the invite but DD has another party to go to that day.

Or something

Why would she have to lie? I would say I’m really sorry. Your daughter has been bullying my daughter for awhile now and as this has been reported to the school and you would have been aware of it so I’m not sure why I’m getting this invite.
The amount of people who tiptoe around others is unbelievable
The daughter clearly just wants to humiliate your child in front of other children on her birthday
I would also not be cancelling my party just because this child can’t be invited. Why do people feel that invite every single person in the class? Why would that cause more bullying
it would show the Child that I have behaviour has consequences
my daughter is eight and she gets various party invites from different people in the class, but never has the whole class been invited to one child’s party, she hasn’t got an invite to some parties and has got an invite to others. You don’t have to invite the whole class

BananaCocktails · 14/05/2023 09:27

Hasn’t got that was meant to say

Soproudoflionesses · 14/05/2023 09:31

I would say thanks but we are going to give the party a miss - no explanation needed