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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DDs bully inviting her to birthday party should I say something to the DM?

222 replies

Fifi0000 · 09/03/2023 08:34

I received a text message inviting DD to her bully's birthday party. She's called my daughter fat , excluded her from games , pushed her into a hot radiator. I have had to contact the school on a few occasions about this girls behaviour towards my DD. My DD couldn't even have a party last year as she didn't want the bully to come and her life at school would be miserable if she didn't invite her . They are late primary so the child will have specifically asked for my DD to go and it's an expensive trampoline party.

Part of me wants to tell the DM why DD won't be going but I think the DM would tell her so my DD would be further picked on at school. What would you MNers say ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Fifi0000 · 09/03/2023 10:59

Vegrocks · 09/03/2023 10:52

And now you’re completely downplaying 🙄

touch different from your op and follow up posts

your poor poor daughter. Enduring this day in and day out. Even physical. And parents and school seem to do nothing other than have a chat about it

🤷‍♀️

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I have spoke to school , the bullying does seem to have eased up but in 6 weeks I'm hesitant it's all sorted. She does tell me everything I've asked her does she want to move schools , she said no. My daughter is not passive she stands up for herself and has lots of friends in her class.

OP posts:
whatchaos · 09/03/2023 10:59

Fifi0000 · 09/03/2023 10:56

The school has separated them they were on the same table and the teacher has said other girls will tell them if there's nastiness. My daughter finds it more annoying than anything , she is much taller and broader than this girl DDs 148 cm and 40kg. The girl is tiny and petite so if DD does call her out the girl manipulates the situation by doing crocodile tears to the other girls. If DD did hit her it would be much more painful for the girl than the other way round and DD would look like the bad guy.

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Well presumably nobody in their right mind would encourage their child to resort to violence.

Vegrocks · 09/03/2023 11:00

If DD did hit her it would be much more painful for the girl than the other way round and DD would look like the bad guy.

good grief I am not suggesting this

my. point is that you are navel gazing about a party invite when on your op and follow up posts - it sounds like the same focus should have been on the bullying many many months ago rather than when you are drawn in to it with a party invite

blisstwins · 09/03/2023 11:00

Don’t say it is your birthday and protect your daughter. Just say she has other plans and leave it.

Original poster
Fifi0000 · 09/03/2023 11:00

CuriousMama · 09/03/2023 10:59

This

Also did you get the police involved after these assaults? Imo schools are a joke when it comes to bullying.

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You can't involve the police as they don't have criminal responsibility yet , the girl will though after next week.

OP posts:
MajorCarolDanvers · 09/03/2023 11:01

Soubriquet · 09/03/2023 09:35

Thank you for the invite to Sally’s party. Unfortunately, Annie cannot attend. Hope she has a good day

This is all that is necessary

kirinm · 09/03/2023 11:02

Your issue isn't the party. Your issue is the apparent apathy both you and the school are showing the bullying situation.

If the other mother doesn't know, why doesn't she. What is the school doing and why isn't this other girl being punished.

Schools are terrible at dealing with bullying - they always have been and it is your job to advocate for your daughter.

Vegrocks · 09/03/2023 11:02

Fifi0000 · 09/03/2023 10:59

I have spoke to school , the bullying does seem to have eased up but in 6 weeks I'm hesitant it's all sorted. She does tell me everything I've asked her does she want to move schools , she said no. My daughter is not passive she stands up for herself and has lots of friends in her class.

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“Eased up”

but

I don't think I will tell the DM but I think that the girl has invited her with not the best intentions.__

edu1821 · 09/03/2023 11:02

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

PennyRa · 09/03/2023 11:04

This girl sees their friendship one way, your daughter in another. She has asked you not to get in the middle, so that's your answer

Brightblueskysunshine · 09/03/2023 11:06

Does the mum who invited your dd know what her child has been up to?

euff · 09/03/2023 11:07

I would just politely decline. Much as you may want to understandably set the record straight with the girls mum it not likely to achieve anything except more problems. If things are improving for DD I would leave it. I say this having been in a similar situation myself.

You don't need to give the girls mum a reason, it's not required but you do already have your pre existing plans so can say that if you think it's more helpful with the girls.

Trampoline parties are quite chaotic and even if you can stay some of them are so large and badly run I would be worried about your DD being targeted in some way out of sight.

Glad your DD feels able to have her thing this year.

Vegrocks · 09/03/2023 11:07

PennyRa · 09/03/2023 11:04

This girl sees their friendship one way, your daughter in another. She has asked you not to get in the middle, so that's your answer

Doesn’t quite work like that when there’s verbal and physical bullying and the people involved are 9 and 10 years old

KalvinPhillipsBoots · 09/03/2023 11:09

Sunnytomorrow · 09/03/2023 09:06

I will almost certainly be in the minority but is there any chance this is an olive branch attempt by the DM? Who knows what’s going on behind closed doors; perhaps the DM is doing her best to resolve the situation. Given everything that’s gone on, I can’t see that your DD would enjoy going to the party, but I’d be polite and not aggressive when declining (eg “We are not able to attend but appreciate the invitation”). It could be an important lesson for your DD about the power of rising above bullies (and maybe even forgiveness, even against those who have done harm to us). I talk from experience by the way:- I ended up becoming friends with someone who was initially quite mean to me at school. It turns out that her parents were in the throes of a nasty divorce and she was not coping well … (I’m NOT excusing bullying behaviour by the way - far from it!)

Also, if you haven’t yet talked to the mother in general about the bullying situation and feels it’s still unresolved, I do think that this may also be a good opportunity. You could phone and say “Listen, I was touched when I saw the text and really appreciate you inviting DD. As I’m sure you’re aware, DD and [bully] have had some challenges this term. I’m not sure if you’ve been told all the details but DD’s been really upset about it all. Maybe in a few weeks (when the party is finished), you and I could meet for coffee to chat it through?”

Exactly this

bossybloss · 09/03/2023 11:11

Fifi0000 · 09/03/2023 11:00

You can't involve the police as they don't have criminal responsibility yet , the girl will though after next week.

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My daughter was bullied by an 11 year old. I threatened the school with the police….. they quickly sorted it .

CuriousMama · 09/03/2023 11:13

Fifi0000 · 09/03/2023 11:00

You can't involve the police as they don't have criminal responsibility yet , the girl will though after next week.

Show quote history

Yes you can

Vegrocks · 09/03/2023 11:18

Fifi0000 · 09/03/2023 11:00

You can't involve the police as they don't have criminal responsibility yet , the girl will though after next week.

Show quote history

Yes you can involve the police for under 10s and I can’t believe that you nor the school have explored this

Mayonaiseislife · 09/03/2023 11:20

Why does the OP have to tailor her response or watch what she says.

I hate when people allow bad behavior to continue with calling them out for fear that you may sound rude or whatever.

Reply saying "my daughter will not be attending due to the continued bullying by your child"

Original poster
Fifi0000 · 09/03/2023 11:20

kirinm · 09/03/2023 11:02

Your issue isn't the party. Your issue is the apparent apathy both you and the school are showing the bullying situation.

If the other mother doesn't know, why doesn't she. What is the school doing and why isn't this other girl being punished.

Schools are terrible at dealing with bullying - they always have been and it is your job to advocate for your daughter.

The school have said they are working with the girl she has been called into the headteacher and the school have been doing extra sessions on friendships girls only. My DD would tell me if she was finding things difficult we are very open, if an incident has happened I always call the school. My DD is not afraid to stand up to her and always has done she has a very strong personality and will defend her friends if the girl targets them, a birthday party is not neutral ground and many won't stand up to her.

OP posts:
Vegrocks · 09/03/2023 11:22

So let’s be clear

awful verbal and physical bullying

is ow just “an annoyance” and seems very much under control and your daughter seems happy, confident and settled

righto

FoxInSocksSatOnBlocks · 09/03/2023 11:25

To be honest, the more you post about your daughter and her aggressive “stand up, retaliatory” attitude I’m starting to think this isn’t one sided at all.

whatchaos · 09/03/2023 11:27

FoxInSocksSatOnBlocks · 09/03/2023 11:25

To be honest, the more you post about your daughter and her aggressive “stand up, retaliatory” attitude I’m starting to think this isn’t one sided at all.

Yep. If it's clear-cut then the school should have talked to the parents, an apology given and you not be fretting about an invitation - which probably wouldn't have been forthcoming if the child's mother knew what was going on in school between her DD and your child.

Viviennemary · 09/03/2023 11:30

If she doesn't want to go she shouldn't be forced to. But I think under the circumstances she should go. Does the mother know about the bullying.

Original poster
Fifi0000 · 09/03/2023 11:31

FoxInSocksSatOnBlocks · 09/03/2023 11:25

To be honest, the more you post about your daughter and her aggressive “stand up, retaliatory” attitude I’m starting to think this isn’t one sided at all.

I've asked the school whether my DD could be contributing to the issue . I know what's shes like she is headstrong and they said no. DD never calls someone fat etc or hurts people , her parents evening has always said what a kind girl she is and she has lots of friends to play with , there's always children knocking on. She simply says when someone is mean to her no I don't want to play with you right now , you are being mean or that was horrible. I don't think that's a bad trait. MN is always advocating about boundaries and my DD has boundaries.

I'm very proud of her attitude I simply let people bully me and never stood up for myself or others.

OP posts:
Wizard77 · 09/03/2023 11:36

"DD", "DM"?

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