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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DDs bully inviting her to birthday party should I say something to the DM?

222 replies

Fifi0000 · 09/03/2023 08:34

I received a text message inviting DD to her bully's birthday party. She's called my daughter fat , excluded her from games , pushed her into a hot radiator. I have had to contact the school on a few occasions about this girls behaviour towards my DD. My DD couldn't even have a party last year as she didn't want the bully to come and her life at school would be miserable if she didn't invite her . They are late primary so the child will have specifically asked for my DD to go and it's an expensive trampoline party.

Part of me wants to tell the DM why DD won't be going but I think the DM would tell her so my DD would be further picked on at school. What would you MNers say ?

OP posts:
Vegrocks · 09/03/2023 11:36

Over the course of this thread

Your daughter has gone from so anxious about the emotional and physica bullying she’s enduring at school to the extent My DD couldn't even have a party last year as she didn't want the bully to come and her life at school would be miserable if she didn't invite her .

to

The only reason she couldn’t invite the class was because it was too expensive

and a Robin Hood like figure you used how physically impressive she is to spend her days standing up for others being bullied by this girl

MaeMair · 09/03/2023 11:37

Politely decline.

LotteLomax · 09/03/2023 11:39

whatchaos · 09/03/2023 10:04

Why should the OP's dd be the one to move?

I was awfully bullied by a girl in year 4 who hit me every morning. I was half her size and unable to defend myself. The mother was a bully too. My mother took me out and the new school was absolutely wonderful. Many friends I made there are friends to this day and I look back with nothing but fondness.

I could not imagine what my school life would have been like if my mother had your attitude. I would have been scarred to this day. As it stands, I know that there are good people out there, my mother has my back and there’s no reason to put up with a bad situation.

Fifi0000 · 09/03/2023 11:42

Vegrocks · 09/03/2023 11:36

Over the course of this thread

Your daughter has gone from so anxious about the emotional and physica bullying she’s enduring at school to the extent My DD couldn't even have a party last year as she didn't want the bully to come and her life at school would be miserable if she didn't invite her .

to

The only reason she couldn’t invite the class was because it was too expensive

and a Robin Hood like figure you used how physically impressive she is to spend her days standing up for others being bullied by this girl

I never said that, no she felt she couldn't cope with the drama if she didn't invite the bully and others . Also yes I didn't want to invite everyone as it was expensive so there's two things at play.

I wouldn't say she's a robin hood figure but yes generally I'm proud of her. If she does wrong I correct her.

OP posts:
jenny38 · 09/03/2023 11:43

It’s good that the bullying has eased up. I wouldn’t raise it with the mum, as things are calming down. What does your DD want to do? If the rest of her friendship group are invited this may be why she has been too. Or maybe the bully is struggling with friendships in a range of groups.
I remember in primary there came a time in year 6 when girls started to avoid those who had been bullies over the years.

Wizard77 · 09/03/2023 11:44

A somewhat facetious reply but pretty much succinct and I kinda wish I'd thought of it myself👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽

Vegrocks · 09/03/2023 11:45

Fifi0000 · 09/03/2023 11:42

I never said that, no she felt she couldn't cope with the drama if she didn't invite the bully and others . Also yes I didn't want to invite everyone as it was expensive so there's two things at play.

I wouldn't say she's a robin hood figure but yes generally I'm proud of her. If she does wrong I correct her.

You did say She couldn't invite the entire class because of cost , it was a pottery party and was £20 for each child 33 kids would have been very expensive

so op implied she didn’t have a party because of this bully

to… actually it was a cost issue

sonjadog · 09/03/2023 11:48

Fifi0000 · 09/03/2023 11:31

I've asked the school whether my DD could be contributing to the issue . I know what's shes like she is headstrong and they said no. DD never calls someone fat etc or hurts people , her parents evening has always said what a kind girl she is and she has lots of friends to play with , there's always children knocking on. She simply says when someone is mean to her no I don't want to play with you right now , you are being mean or that was horrible. I don't think that's a bad trait. MN is always advocating about boundaries and my DD has boundaries.

I'm very proud of her attitude I simply let people bully me and never stood up for myself or others.

Your last sentence here stood out for me because it sounds like you are still stuck in this behaviour. You should be being so, so much more proactive in stopping this bullying happening. Your daughter's attitude is great but she is a child and this should not be her fight alone.

Fifi0000 · 09/03/2023 11:48

jenny38 · 09/03/2023 11:43

It’s good that the bullying has eased up. I wouldn’t raise it with the mum, as things are calming down. What does your DD want to do? If the rest of her friendship group are invited this may be why she has been too. Or maybe the bully is struggling with friendships in a range of groups.
I remember in primary there came a time in year 6 when girls started to avoid those who had been bullies over the years.

She was a bit unsure as yes some of her closer friends have been invited. DD realised she would have to buy her a nice present and birthday card , which she doesn't feel able to do.

This is what has happened the girls all used to play together as a big group and the girl was the leader who was very mean to a lot of them. The groups now split into 2 those who don't really want to be picked on by her anymore. I can't believe it's so complicated socially for 10 years.

OP posts:
Annasass · 09/03/2023 11:51

Go round & see the mom, tell her every time her kid bullies yours you will be going round to bully her.

SoupDragon · 09/03/2023 11:52

Annasass · 09/03/2023 11:51

Go round & see the mom, tell her every time her kid bullies yours you will be going round to bully her.

Don't be ridiculous.

Fifi0000 · 09/03/2023 11:53

Vegrocks · 09/03/2023 11:45

You did say She couldn't invite the entire class because of cost , it was a pottery party and was £20 for each child 33 kids would have been very expensive

so op implied she didn’t have a party because of this bully

to… actually it was a cost issue

I'm talking about the pottery party the year before not the party she never had. DD said she didn't want to have one as it caused a lot of drama as she had to selectively invite people she is closest to because yes I didn't want to pay for 30 children she also didn't want to invite that girl to it so yes DD was upset as it would cause drama at school if she did have a party so she felt she couldn't have one.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 09/03/2023 11:55

Your poor daughter.

What she has and is enduring is dreadful.

It maybe your writing style but it comes across as if you have been somewhat passive. Perhaps I am mistaken?

Having girls myself I would take this very seriously.

This is very very serious and will undoubtedly have a long term affect on her, despite what she tells you.

You need to formalise what your daughter has gone through by email to the school, as they sound very very poor.

In your place if she is still keen to attend the same secondary school as the bully and her friends, you absolutely need to act now.

Contact the secondary school Principal to put them fimly in the loop.
Copy the Head on what you have emailed the HT in primary.
Formally request that your daughter is put in a different class, and specifically mention one or two names of girls that she gets on well with to hopefully be put in a similar class, if they would be agreeable to that.
Double check with the other parents of girls she likes.

Doing the above will help your daughter to settle in and make a new grouping.

I would also organise a couple of counselling sessions, a safe place for her to speak.

She sounds like a great girl but she is likely protecting your feelings in all of this.

By speaking to someone unconnected and independent of her family, she can lean into how she feels, process her emotions and arm herself for her new school feeling more confident in herself.

It will be money well spent.
Doing this online with the right person is a very effective medium too.

Wishing you both well.

HikingforScenery · 09/03/2023 11:56

Fifi0000 · 09/03/2023 10:56

The school has separated them they were on the same table and the teacher has said other girls will tell them if there's nastiness. My daughter finds it more annoying than anything , she is much taller and broader than this girl DDs 148 cm and 40kg. The girl is tiny and petite so if DD does call her out the girl manipulates the situation by doing crocodile tears to the other girls. If DD did hit her it would be much more painful for the girl than the other way round and DD would look like the bad guy.

What’s her size got to do with it?!

Vegrocks · 09/03/2023 11:58

Fifi0000 · 09/03/2023 11:53

I'm talking about the pottery party the year before not the party she never had. DD said she didn't want to have one as it caused a lot of drama as she had to selectively invite people she is closest to because yes I didn't want to pay for 30 children she also didn't want to invite that girl to it so yes DD was upset as it would cause drama at school if she did have a party so she felt she couldn't have one.

So this has been going on for years

Americano75 · 09/03/2023 12:09

I wouldn't even bother giving any excuse. I'd simply say 'thank you for the invite, but DD will not be attending'.

MeridianB · 09/03/2023 12:09

I'd also want the school to confirm that they have spoken to the bully's parents.

I hope there is not a next time, but if there is, please go in person, insist on seeing form tutor, HOY and HT, emphasise how long this has been going on, that it's physical and sustained. Anything they have done so far is not working. Your DD is being let down.

Make a huge nuisance of yourself and mention the words bullying and safeguarding in every sentence. Maybe throw in contacting governors for good measure. Follow it all up in writing. Get them to send written confirmation of their plans to prevent more bullying.

The only way you will get any action from the school is if they know you mean business and you're prepared to take up time in their diary, hold them accountable, and escalate.

BT11 · 09/03/2023 12:13

Just don't go.

As DD is in late primary school hopefully she'll be going to a different secondary school than the bully and won't have to deal with her shit anymore.

If it continues though I would totally tell the mum what's been going on. She sounds very mean and needs a firm speaking to.

Fifi0000 · 09/03/2023 12:16

HikingforScenery · 09/03/2023 11:56

What’s her size got to do with it?!

It has everything to do with it because the teachers in her previous years could not possibly believe the girl was a bully because of the size difference. The girl is very petite blonde etc and she would go crying to the teacher if any of the children stood up to her. It's very manipulative thankfully her teacher this year has clocked her behaviour and takes it much more seriously.

OP posts:
Vegrocks · 09/03/2023 12:19

Fifi0000 · 09/03/2023 12:16

It has everything to do with it because the teachers in her previous years could not possibly believe the girl was a bully because of the size difference. The girl is very petite blonde etc and she would go crying to the teacher if any of the children stood up to her. It's very manipulative thankfully her teacher this year has clocked her behaviour and takes it much more seriously.

Sure OP

sure

Teachers (plural!) couldn’t believe that a child could bully another one because they were smaller than the other one 🙄

sure

whatchaos · 09/03/2023 12:19

Fifi0000 · 09/03/2023 12:16

It has everything to do with it because the teachers in her previous years could not possibly believe the girl was a bully because of the size difference. The girl is very petite blonde etc and she would go crying to the teacher if any of the children stood up to her. It's very manipulative thankfully her teacher this year has clocked her behaviour and takes it much more seriously.

I doubt the fact the girl is blonde would have made a difference to the teacher. On the one hand OP it sounds like your DD is ok - the other girl sounds horrible but as she has been nasty to quite a few of the kids in the class and your DD has a strong group of friends she's not isolated nor excluded in school. I'd definitely ask the school to speak to the other girl's parents but with the big split in the friendships etc it sounds like a wider problem than this one girl and your DD.

Vegrocks · 09/03/2023 12:21

I’ll bow out

this was a thread about serious bullying

But when the op was questioned about her navel gazing re the invite rather than addressing the real issue… suddenly all making a mountain out of a molehill

Good luck to your daughter at secondary school is all I’ll say

UsernameNotAvailableNow · 09/03/2023 12:25

We've had opposite issue recently where my year 4 DD didn't want to invite class bully to her party, so we didn't. Had a lovely party with about half the girls in the class (so not just excluding one).

Bully's mum texts asking why bully not invited, she thought they were very good friends, and bully is very upset. Cheek of it.

I had to keep it very calm and neutral in response. Give nothing away that could be used in future. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree here.

It actually helped, as the bully has left DD alone recently. I didn't realise you could request that secondary schools keel some kids apart, will absolutely bear that in mind.

PenelopeTitsDrop3121 · 09/03/2023 12:29

Going against the majority here. I would absolutely let the mum know why my daughter be wouldn't be going.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 09/03/2023 12:31

Thanks for the invite, unfortunately it’s my birthday too and we are going out for a family celebration. Hope bully girl has a fabulous time!

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