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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DDs bully inviting her to birthday party should I say something to the DM?

222 replies

Fifi0000 · 09/03/2023 08:34

I received a text message inviting DD to her bully's birthday party. She's called my daughter fat , excluded her from games , pushed her into a hot radiator. I have had to contact the school on a few occasions about this girls behaviour towards my DD. My DD couldn't even have a party last year as she didn't want the bully to come and her life at school would be miserable if she didn't invite her . They are late primary so the child will have specifically asked for my DD to go and it's an expensive trampoline party.

Part of me wants to tell the DM why DD won't be going but I think the DM would tell her so my DD would be further picked on at school. What would you MNers say ?

OP posts:
LadyJ2023 · 09/03/2023 09:35

Make a plan take the bairn out yourself and don't go to the party

Soubriquet · 09/03/2023 09:35

Thank you for the invite to Sally’s party. Unfortunately, Annie cannot attend. Hope she has a good day

ChristinaAlber · 09/03/2023 09:36

Thank you for the invite to Sally’s party. Unfortunately, Annie cannot attend. Hope she has a good day

THIS. And nothing else. Please.

Original poster
Fifi0000 · 09/03/2023 09:38

The other girl also slapped my DDs bum and asked her why her bum is so big. They will be going to the same secondary, I've had the conversation with DD and she says as secondary is so much bigger there's a high chance she won't be in the same class and she doesn't want to miss out on seeing her other friends just because of this girl.

OP posts:
flutterbyebaby · 09/03/2023 09:38

Fifi0000 · 09/03/2023 09:33

They were friends in nursery to year 1. It's a hierarchy situation my DD is quite naturally assertive and doesn't fall into line like other girls in the class . My DD is very tall this girl is very small so to others it looks on the surface it's her. If the girl is being mean calling her or her friend fat or pushing her, or throwing things at her DD will call her out which results in the girl doing crocodile tears which the girls then say "You are mean making her cry etc". She's then excluded, DD then feels like the bad guy it's all very manipulative and horrible. I'm very proud DD has retaliated when the other girl has been physical as DD is physically a lot bigger The girls now have split into two groups , this girl is in one my DD is in the other.

I don't understand why the girl would invite her to the party it must have some manipulative undertone.

Show quote history

Maybe she has put the woe me act on to her mum and is trying to set your daughter up, again just a thought

JackHackettsMac · 09/03/2023 09:38

MumOf2workOptions · 09/03/2023 08:43

Hi xxxx
I'm sorry I think I must have been sent this in error
Surely after fat shaming my daughter and nearly giving her 3rd degree burns on a radiator and generally making her life hell your daughter doesn't request the pleasure of the company of mine

Done ✔️

This

You should ALWAYS stand up to the bullies. Never ignore it or allow the parents to pretend it didn’t happen.

howmanybicycles · 09/03/2023 09:39

How does your DD call her out?

IwasToldThereWouldBeCake · 09/03/2023 09:39

Your Dd is being invited in order to provide bully girl with the opportunity to be a victim and garner sympathy from some other girls.

"thanks, but no thanks".

HorribleNecktie · 09/03/2023 09:40

Just send a brief “sorry she is busy that day” message. Posters on here love to suggest sassy mic drop drama responses like real life operates like a fucking sitcom.

Original poster
Fifi0000 · 09/03/2023 09:41

howmanybicycles · 09/03/2023 09:39

How does your DD call her out?

She says you are being mean , stop it. It's only when the girl calls them fat, pushes them , throw things. The girl is equally passive aggressive horrible to her own friends but they don't stand up to her.

OP posts:
flutterbyebaby · 09/03/2023 09:41

IwasToldThereWouldBeCake · 09/03/2023 09:39

Your Dd is being invited in order to provide bully girl with the opportunity to be a victim and garner sympathy from some other girls.

"thanks, but no thanks".

This is what I meant to say 👏👏👏

fruitstick · 09/03/2023 09:42

I had this issue when DS1 was in year 4. It was his friends who were doing the bullying, and I was friends with their parents.

I told them. I didn't go into details but it was along the lines of "there are some issues going on which school are dealing with. I'm sure xx has discussed it with you. For the time being I think it's best that they don't socialise outside of school"

Then you are not dragging them into it or fighting on your child's behalf. Although I went full mama polar bear.

Everyone always worries that getting involved makes things worse but that juts reenforces the notion that kids have to put up with low level bullying to keep the peace.

I would argue that if these kids know your child is secure and confident enough to be open with about it, and you are dealing with it sensibly and not starting a scrap in the playground then they'll get fed up soon enough.

Booooot · 09/03/2023 09:42

Has it not occurred to anyone that maybe the school had spoken to the mother about the behaviour and the mother is insisting on inviting your daughter to make amends or as a way to try and make up? I definitely don’t think you should send her but I don’t think it’s always as sinister as people on here make things out to be.

JackHackettsMac · 09/03/2023 09:44

ChristinaAlber · 09/03/2023 09:36

Thank you for the invite to Sally’s party. Unfortunately, Annie cannot attend. Hope she has a good day

THIS. And nothing else. Please.

“Hope she has a good day???”

FFS! 🤦🏻‍♀️ That’s a pure cop out.

Shame on you as the parent to not want to support your child.

Pretending it didn’t happen will not make the bullying stop and will likely give the bully licence to escalate the situation.

crew2022 · 09/03/2023 09:44

The thing is there's always two versions of what's happening: the mum could have no idea. Or maybe the mum has been told her daughter is a bully and she's made the daughter invite your dd to show she's trying to be kind.
Either way I would avoid making things worse for your dd by calling the girl a bully to her mum.
I would just say no thank you. Don't give a reason just decline. If the mum then asks if there is an issue you could say more depending on how you think it would go.

soberfabulous · 09/03/2023 09:45

I would also have to say something. I couldn't let it pass.

Original poster
Fifi0000 · 09/03/2023 09:46

Booooot · 09/03/2023 09:42

Has it not occurred to anyone that maybe the school had spoken to the mother about the behaviour and the mother is insisting on inviting your daughter to make amends or as a way to try and make up? I definitely don’t think you should send her but I don’t think it’s always as sinister as people on here make things out to be.

I would like to think so but this girl has physically touched my daughter a few times. She's been very manipulative I think it would take a lot more of her being nice at school to even think about her doing things outside of school . It's not really a party I could stay as at this age all the kids parents leave it would be embarrassing for her.

OP posts:
Miriam101 · 09/03/2023 09:46

Isn't there a middle way between the crazy reply upthread and just ignoring the elephant in the room completely? "Hi X, thanks for the invite. Unfortunately Y won't be able to make it as it's my birthday dinner. Also to be honest I think she's a bit uncomfortable around Z at the moment after the past few incidents, which I imagine school have spoken with you about. I hope Z has a great day."

Moltenpink · 09/03/2023 09:48

I’d be taking DD (if she was happy to go) but I wouldn’t take my eyes off her for the whole party. Then if anything happened, it could be witnessed by both families and dealt with there & then. It might be wise to resolve this before secondary starts

ZeroFuchsGiven · 09/03/2023 09:49

JackHackettsMac · 09/03/2023 09:44

“Hope she has a good day???”

FFS! 🤦🏻‍♀️ That’s a pure cop out.

Shame on you as the parent to not want to support your child.

Pretending it didn’t happen will not make the bullying stop and will likely give the bully licence to escalate the situation.

Show quote history

I knew I would be in the minority when I said I would definately say something to the mother but I am completely shocked by how many parents would just roll over and not say a word about it. And go on to wish the bully a nice day? wtf??

Stomacharmeleon · 09/03/2023 09:49

I would decline but can I say...
My son (who is now 18) bullied a lad he had been really good friends with until my son moved to a special Ed school. I would invite him to do things and obviously parents would decline. Son eventually lost track of these friends due to new school. This is someone he previously had a good relationship with.
When they met up again my son told me how horrible he had been to his friend. I was really gutted as I had NO idea. Am not making excuses but my DS was overweight, autistic and could just be unpleasant. I apologised to them all when I saw them In a local supermarket.
They are best friends now.
I wish they had said though and I would have addressed it.

Brightblueskysunshine · 09/03/2023 09:49

@Fifi0000 I think I would have said something to them mum may be after the bullies party . I agree with others on not sending DD. I agree with you they don't have the best intentions for your dd. Last year we had a girl who's bullies self invited themselves for the party and banned the birthday girl from playing with other friends. The birthday girls mum was mortified as she couldn't tell the bullies parents that their children had self invited themselves. It was very awkward for the poor child and her mum.

Don't leave anything to chance . Write to school and ask for a change of class. If the girls are going to be in the same secondary then this needs to be nipped in bud now. Talking to parents is always a risk as it's difficult to hear that their child has done something so I would try and request the teacher dealing with your complaint to tell the bullies parents.

coconutpie · 09/03/2023 09:49

What have the school done to stop the bullying? Of course YANBU by declining the invite.

Emotionalsupportviper · 09/03/2023 09:49

FoxInSocksSatOnBlocks · 09/03/2023 08:35

YABU. You wouldn’t be doing your DD any favours. Just don’t go.

This - just say you are already doing something that day.

ZeroFuchsGiven · 09/03/2023 09:51

Moltenpink · 09/03/2023 09:48

I’d be taking DD (if she was happy to go) but I wouldn’t take my eyes off her for the whole party. Then if anything happened, it could be witnessed by both families and dealt with there & then. It might be wise to resolve this before secondary starts

Who on earth attends a yr 6 party with their child? Confused Thats really going to stop the bullying lol

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