Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DDs bully inviting her to birthday party should I say something to the DM?

222 replies

Fifi0000 · 09/03/2023 08:34

I received a text message inviting DD to her bully's birthday party. She's called my daughter fat , excluded her from games , pushed her into a hot radiator. I have had to contact the school on a few occasions about this girls behaviour towards my DD. My DD couldn't even have a party last year as she didn't want the bully to come and her life at school would be miserable if she didn't invite her . They are late primary so the child will have specifically asked for my DD to go and it's an expensive trampoline party.

Part of me wants to tell the DM why DD won't be going but I think the DM would tell her so my DD would be further picked on at school. What would you MNers say ?

OP posts:
Maray1967 · 09/03/2023 10:31

I’d only send the brutally frank reply previously suggested if it was the last day of year 6 and they were going on to different high schools.

holierthanthou73 · 09/03/2023 10:32

Verylongtime · 09/03/2023 10:26

I really think that message is all sorts of wrong in so many ways. Just as an opener, why would you start with “I’m sorry”? And that’s the least of the issues wrong with it.

Show quote history

We are all entitled to our opinion, perhaps you need to toughen up 🤷🏻‍♀️

Original poster
Fifi0000 · 09/03/2023 10:36

My DD has said she does want to punch her especially when she's been physical with her , she never has and I'm proud. I feel like the party if the girl did goad her could cause my DD to retaliate and the girls would all take her side as my DD would have ruined her birthday party. It's best she stays away and only sees her at school.

DD did say about 6 weeks ago she was being pushed to the limit and was finding it very hard not to retaliate. I did inform the school that DD was trying very hard and that they needed to step in now before an incident did occur. It's been quite quiet since then. I'm so proud of how open my DD is with me.

OP posts:
starfishmummy · 09/03/2023 10:37

Fifi0000 · 09/03/2023 08:51

It's actually my birthday meal on the day, so I already have an excuse. I don't think I will tell the DM but I think that the girl has invited her with not the best intentions.__

My first thought was that the girl has invited her with further bullying in mind.

Verylongtime · 09/03/2023 10:37

holierthanthou73 · 09/03/2023 10:32

We are all entitled to our opinion, perhaps you need to toughen up 🤷🏻‍♀️

Show quote history

Eh? What’s there to toughen up about? That message starts off by apologising to and excusing the bully/bully’s parent.

Several people have commented on how inappropriate that message is.

Gemiradu · 09/03/2023 10:41

I would actually tell the parent and I had to do this when our children were in yr7 of secondary school. It was awkward as it was face to face and totally caught me off guard. The Mum did know her son had been abusive to another child and had detention for it but didn't know that child was mine. It may well be the case with this parent too. They know they have been unkind to put it mildly but not know it is your DD.

I would politely decline but also express surprise as you don't think they are getting alone at present as there have been incidents in school. I would make her aware that it was toward your DD. Then it might lead to a conversation at home with the parent asking the child why she wanted your DD.

Vegrocks · 09/03/2023 10:41

Fifi0000 · 09/03/2023 10:31

I have spoken to DD about this and school. DD had a party the year before and there was a massive drama because I did not invite everyone in the class because it was too expensive. She had months of drama and arguments, she said she didn't want to go through that again or feel like she has to invite everyone or people who are nasty to her. I did support DD and said it was her decision. She didn't want the extra drama and that's her right. I don't think school can supervise absolutely everything . I speak to them and get updates.

Show quote history

She didn’t want to invite the class because of this bully.

Re read your OP. Your daughter sounds very anxious and unhappy.

and you seem to be more concerned about the party invite rather than the 7 hours a day 5 days a week your daughter is in this environment.

She slapped your daughter on the bum???!!!

Vegrocks · 09/03/2023 10:42

You say you have “spoken to the school”

and? What’s happened?

whatchaos · 09/03/2023 10:43

OP - has the school not told you that they have had a discussion with the bully's parents/DM? Seems very strange if they haven't.

Vegrocks · 09/03/2023 10:45

Your daughter is being physically abused?

again… what is the school doing?

Pumpkin20222 · 09/03/2023 10:45

Dutch1e · 09/03/2023 10:20

I really think I would say something when declining the invitation.... maybe along the lines of "DD won't be there but thanks for the invitation. Has the school made you fully aware of what's been happening?"

While I totally understand why a lot people wouldn't say anything, it makes me itchy when important conversations go unspoken. It's unfair to assume that this girl's parents have all the information.

Agree with this, but be ready for any backlash and jump on it strongly with the school.

I absolutely would not trust the motives of the girl in inviting your DD, in case it was to humiliate.

Is it possible the mother is aware and has forced the girl to invite your DD?

Original poster
Fifi0000 · 09/03/2023 10:47

Vegrocks · 09/03/2023 10:41

She didn’t want to invite the class because of this bully.

Re read your OP. Your daughter sounds very anxious and unhappy.

and you seem to be more concerned about the party invite rather than the 7 hours a day 5 days a week your daughter is in this environment.

She slapped your daughter on the bum???!!!

Show quote history

She couldn't invite the entire class because of cost , it was a pottery party and was £20 for each child 33 kids would have been very expensive so she only invited her closest friends which caused a lot of drama. I have approached the school and told them my DD is being pushed to the limit. She does have urges to retaliate, she hasn't so far. She doesn't feel scared of the girl it's how the girl actively tries to make the others pick her side she uses her small stature to initiate that it must be my DD who's being mean. The girls have now split into 2 groups so they don't play together , I've asked her, She doesn't want to move school nor does she want the awkwardness of feeling like she has to invite everyone in class to her party.

OP posts:
Beautiful3 · 09/03/2023 10:48

No I wouldn't do that, as youll make it worse for your daughter. Think of her. Just say sorry we already have plans that day.

Rhondaa · 09/03/2023 10:48

The party is a red herring imo. Yoy need to have a sit down meeting with the school and your dd to discuss alleged bullying , ensure every incident is documented and ask them to liaise with the other parents and then get back to you with a plan of action.

drspouse · 09/03/2023 10:48

If the mum is downplaying the issue then she may have been told but think this is a good way for them to get to know each other.

I'd just decline.

MeridianB · 09/03/2023 10:50

Have you ever been into the school to discuss this with HOY and HT?

Please do this every time. Because it sounds like this bullying is deeply unpleasant - it's sustained, targeted and physical. No excuses from the school.

Vegrocks · 09/03/2023 10:52

Fifi0000 · 09/03/2023 10:47

She couldn't invite the entire class because of cost , it was a pottery party and was £20 for each child 33 kids would have been very expensive so she only invited her closest friends which caused a lot of drama. I have approached the school and told them my DD is being pushed to the limit. She does have urges to retaliate, she hasn't so far. She doesn't feel scared of the girl it's how the girl actively tries to make the others pick her side she uses her small stature to initiate that it must be my DD who's being mean. The girls have now split into 2 groups so they don't play together , I've asked her, She doesn't want to move school nor does she want the awkwardness of feeling like she has to invite everyone in class to her party.

Show quote history

And now you’re completely downplaying 🙄

touch different from your op and follow up posts

your poor poor daughter. Enduring this day in and day out. Even physical. And parents and school seem to do nothing other than have a chat about it

🤷‍♀️

Level7wannabee · 09/03/2023 10:52

"Sorry we can't go as we're <insert super cool activity here> x"

That's all.

whatchaos · 09/03/2023 10:55

MeridianB · 09/03/2023 10:50

Have you ever been into the school to discuss this with HOY and HT?

Please do this every time. Because it sounds like this bullying is deeply unpleasant - it's sustained, targeted and physical. No excuses from the school.

This! Honestly OP it sounds like the whole school experience is deep in drama and stress for your DD (and maybe others if there's been a big split in the class). You owe it to your DD to make sure the school are taking it seriously including talking to the bully's parents, and that there's a plan in place.

User678945 · 09/03/2023 10:55

Fifi0000 · 09/03/2023 09:38

The other girl also slapped my DDs bum and asked her why her bum is so big. They will be going to the same secondary, I've had the conversation with DD and she says as secondary is so much bigger there's a high chance she won't be in the same class and she doesn't want to miss out on seeing her other friends just because of this girl.

Haven't read the full thread just op's posts.

I think in this situation I would politely decline the party, say you're busy that day but thanks for the invite and leave it at that.

Secondary school is much more of an issue, I think I would be trying to make sure the girls got put into separate tutor groups and not just hoping for the chance they will end up in different ones. Otherwise this will all just carry on, and in year 7 in my experience most of my classes were just my tutor group, aside from English and maths which were based on sats results.

Original poster
Fifi0000 · 09/03/2023 10:56

Vegrocks · 09/03/2023 10:45

Your daughter is being physically abused?

again… what is the school doing?

The school has separated them they were on the same table and the teacher has said other girls will tell them if there's nastiness. My daughter finds it more annoying than anything , she is much taller and broader than this girl DDs 148 cm and 40kg. The girl is tiny and petite so if DD does call her out the girl manipulates the situation by doing crocodile tears to the other girls. If DD did hit her it would be much more painful for the girl than the other way round and DD would look like the bad guy.

OP posts:
Resister · 09/03/2023 10:58

Say a curt 'no thanks'. Let the parents think about that

Vegrocks · 09/03/2023 10:58

My daughter finds it more annoying than anything ,

as I say, now you are downplaying. “More annoying” whereas in the op and follow up… awful verbal and even physical bullying

🤷‍♀️

BobSacamono · 09/03/2023 10:58

Agreed with PPs suggesting a polite decline and leaving it at that, and you have a good calendar conflict ready if needed. I’m so sorry your DD is going through this OP💖

CuriousMama · 09/03/2023 10:59

MumOf2workOptions · 09/03/2023 08:43

Hi xxxx
I'm sorry I think I must have been sent this in error
Surely after fat shaming my daughter and nearly giving her 3rd degree burns on a radiator and generally making her life hell your daughter doesn't request the pleasure of the company of mine

Done ✔️

This

Also did you get the police involved after these assaults? Imo schools are a joke when it comes to bullying.