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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to take time off work to visit my husband

224 replies

MiniTheMinx · 08/03/2023 22:08

On Tuesday I had to call an ambulance to my husband. He was delirious and his leg was turning purple. He was taken to hospital.

I didn't go with him, I discovered him at home in this state when I returned from work. The dog hadn't been out, the DC hadn't eaten. This morning I went to work......again.

Is it unreasonable to request time off?

OP posts:
Blindedbythenighttimelights · 08/03/2023 22:10

Not unreasonable but they may ask it to be taken as holiday or unpaid leave.

LIZS · 08/03/2023 22:13

How ill is he? Can you go after work unless he is seriously ill? Has he called or you spoken to the hospital. Do you have family nearby who can share childcare and visits?

Original poster
MiniTheMinx · 08/03/2023 22:23

Blindedbythenighttimelights I don't mind not being paid.

LIZS he's quite ill, but I've spoken to him, he's not delirious now, so IV antibiotics must be working.

The ridiculous thing is my job has to be flexible by its nature, but its all one way in their favour. No lunch breaks, over time including up to 2.5 hrs in one day last week and yet they insist I'm at my desk during core hours.....except I'm often not because I have to cover other people's work. My actual role can be done remotely at any time of the day or night.

My manager knows he's in hospital and how. Despite knowing I'm working 10 til 6 plus having always to carry their bloody phone everywhere outside of those hours......oh well :(

Feel a bit tearful.

OP posts:
CatOnTheChair · 08/03/2023 22:25

Have you managed to see him today?
I'd be taking time off work if DH was in hospital. I'd expect any employer to understand, and find a way to authorise it - compassionate/holiday/unpaid all being options.

Original poster
MiniTheMinx · 08/03/2023 22:43

CatOnTheChair no. Finished work at 6:30. Had no time in the day to see if DS was home for dog, so just drove home, walk dog, cook......I don't even have time to check my phone, ring my DS (two aged 18 and 22) or even speak to DHs family. Dog has dog walker for two hrs a day, but I can't leave him any longer than I do. Sometimes one or both DS are home throughout the day.

I sit opposite the directors son in the office.

Only been in this job four weeks, already I feel my life has unravelled.

I feel sad that a job is soooo important (to the director, her son and my manager) that I feel I can't prioritise my family.

OP posts:
IkBenDeMol · 08/03/2023 22:47

Your sons need to step up. End of story.

I am in a similar situation in that my Dad is in hospital quite some distance from me after a bad fall. The day he was admitted I told my kids - who are all younger than yours - that it was up to them to keep on top of the washing, cooking etc until I was back.

You should be leaving work and having the evening free to spend with your DH, not walking dogs and cooking.

bumbledeedum · 08/03/2023 22:55

You couldn't make time to find out what's wrong with your husband all day? And you couldn't go with him in the first place because you needed to feed two fully grown adults? I think maybe you need to reassess your priorities

Hairyfairy01 · 08/03/2023 22:59

Ummmm, Your sons are adults, you get them to see to the dog and home. You all need to simply communicate. How would you feel if you were the one in hospital?

Motheranddaughtertotwo · 08/03/2023 23:01

Why didn’t you go with him in the ambulance? No job is more important than family but I’m a bit confused why you’re fussing over the dog and your adult kids. You need to get your family to step up and deal with this together.

Rtmhwales · 08/03/2023 23:03

The DC a hadn't eaten.. but they're 18 and 22? Surely they can sort themselves out and the dog.

Original poster
MiniTheMinx · 08/03/2023 23:03

I don't know, I think I was just on auto pilot. I just dealt with ringing an ambulance, rang 999 and then went downstairs and started cooking. Ambulance arrived just as dinner was cooked. I don't know why I didn't drop everything and go.

I agree I think DCs should take up some slack. They can feed themselves. I've just carried on as normal today, working, over time, walk dog, cook.....

I've text DH. He's being moved to a ward soon.

I don't know if it's reasonable to ask for time off. He has nothing with him.

OP posts:
IkBenDeMol · 08/03/2023 23:07

If your sons weren't so useless, you wouldn't NEED time off. Because you'd be arriving home at 6.30 to a cooked meal and a walked dog and all you'd need to do is eat and go straight to see your DH.

Jakadaal · 08/03/2023 23:08

Absolutely ask for time off. You can ask for family leave (might be unpaid) or special leave (usually paid). Alternatively go off sick yourself with stress.

As others have said your adult sons should be cooking for you and making your life easier Flowers

Original poster
MiniTheMinx · 08/03/2023 23:08

Motheranddaughtertotwo · 08/03/2023 23:01

Why didn’t you go with him in the ambulance? No job is more important than family but I’m a bit confused why you’re fussing over the dog and your adult kids. You need to get your family to step up and deal with this together.

In my line of work you get used to putting aside how you yourself feel, dealing with others welfare first. I've rung so many ambulances, seen so many things, dealt with so much actual trauma mental and physical I think I just don't react normally anymore, I'm just sort of numb in those situations now :( so I just carried on, and even this morning just carried on......as normal.

OP posts:
catfunk · 08/03/2023 23:09

Op are you in shock? Because it sounds like you're on autopilot; nobody can be THAT much of a martyr.
Your sons need to prepare their own mean and come and walk the dog. No arguments.
Tell your boss you need to take a morning or afternoon emergency dependants leave to see to your husband who is in a critical condition, they'll likely think it's weird that you haven't gone yet.

LIZS · 08/03/2023 23:09

Of course it is not unreasonable. But nor is expecting dc to step up. Can you pack dh a bag, take it with you to work in the morning and ask for time off in the afternoon to drop it off or goon your way home. I know what you mean about auto pilot though. Sometimes it is easier to stick to routine. How did dc not notice he was so unwell?

PuzzledObserver · 08/03/2023 23:10

I don't know if it's reasonable to ask for time off. He has nothing with him.

Of course it’s reasonable!! You had to call an emergency ambulance, they took him in, he was admitted, and is still in hospital.

When is visiting time? How far from work/home to the hospital? Do you have a car or are you reliant on public transport? If I were you, I’d pack a bag for him now, take it into work with you tomorrow, and depending on visiting hours at the hospital, either go at some point during the day, or leave work on time and go straight to the hospital.

Your DS’s can feed the dog and themselves.

Your manager should absolutely allow you time off - or at the very least, let you go on time!

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 08/03/2023 23:12

Huh? Why is your work more important than your dh? Why are you feeding grown arse adult dc?
WTF?!

Original poster
MiniTheMinx · 08/03/2023 23:13

IkBenDeMol I'm sorry to hear that. Will your dad be ok?

I'm going to leave a note in kitchen to DC to share dog duty and cook tomorrow. I don't feel its their duty though to help. It's not their dog, it's not their dad. But agreed, they should help because it's helping me. I find it very hard to ask for anything.

OP posts:
Soakitup37 · 08/03/2023 23:13

Op you cannot be thinking clearly to be asking these questions. Dc do not need anything from you. The dog has the capacity to be seen too. Your husband is ill in hospital and you want permission to go and see him?

any company that puts money above people is not a healthy company. You are entirely replaceable at work. Time with your husband may not be. Do the right thing.

DelphiniumBlue · 08/03/2023 23:13

I wonder if you are in denial about how ill your husband actually is. From your description, it is really serious.
I wouldn't be asking work for time off, I'd be telling them I'm taking it. It sounds like you are making excuses not to visit him- can't your adult sons look after themselves and the dog? Are neither of them proposing to visit either?
If you decided to go to work tomorrow, be aware that you are entitled to breaks, and even if you weren't, in these circumstances you can say " DH is in ICU,( I assume he is) he is seriously ill and I need to call to check on his progress and to keep in touch during the day. I will need to leave early to visit him in hospital this evening, and I won't be available to do any overtime at all for the next few weeks.
If you look like you are coping, and demonstrate that you are willing to work through breaks and stay late, they will assume that you are managing. You have to be the one to set boundaries.

HassleTheHoff · 08/03/2023 23:13

ring work take the day or even the half say off and go see your dh and bring him whatever he needs.
Your sons need to step up and feed themselves and the dog, they're not children.

Beeeeeeeee · 08/03/2023 23:13

Take compassionate leave, it’s a thing. www.gov.uk/time-off-for-dependants

Agapornis · 08/03/2023 23:14

In addition to your adult sons stepping up: Have you actually spoken to your employers about any of this? If not, you're overthinking it and being a doormat-shaped martyr.
If you have but they won't let you have time off/keeping calling despite saying you don't want them to, time to set some boundaries! Unless your contract says you need to be reachable outside of core hours? It doesn't sound like the job is meeting your expectations.

Beeeeeeeee · 08/03/2023 23:15

Are these young people living under your roof? Then they need to pull their weight.