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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to take time off work to visit my husband

224 replies

MiniTheMinx · 08/03/2023 22:08

On Tuesday I had to call an ambulance to my husband. He was delirious and his leg was turning purple. He was taken to hospital.

I didn't go with him, I discovered him at home in this state when I returned from work. The dog hadn't been out, the DC hadn't eaten. This morning I went to work......again.

Is it unreasonable to request time off?

OP posts:
ladykale · 09/03/2023 08:36

MiniTheMinx · 08/03/2023 23:27

I can't imagine being my DH in hospital with no spare clothes, nothing 😢

I did speak to my manager this morning. But she just said to let her know if hospital requests I go. They haven't requested I get there, so I just carried on at work.

You poor thing. You sound like you're so used to catering for other people. The hospital won't "request" that you go. Your employer is taking advantage of you being a push over.

Tell them you can't come in or just call in sick yourself if you can't just tell them you need to see your husband.

What if he took a turn for the worse unexpectedly.

Your adult children don't need food cooking for them & I'm confused why you would do this on a daily basis anyway.

Isn't it the household's dog, of which they are a part?

ladykale · 09/03/2023 08:37

MiniTheMinx · 09/03/2023 08:28

I've messaged manager and rung and left VM for on call. I'm taking today off. I haven't slept, I'm worried and I couldn't function at work anyway.

I have tried to phone but phone in A&E just rings out. Main switchboard didn't know if he'd been transferred.

I left work at 6:30 in a location not even the office, and an hour from hospital. Its a big university hospital with horrendous parking. But, that doesn't excuse it. I know.

I'm up, I'll walk dog and pack a bag and I'm going to the hospital.

Glad you were able to!

All the best OP, try to make sure you are eating properly to keep energy up and hopefully after you see your husband, you can get some rest too

GelPens1 · 09/03/2023 08:38

MiniTheMinx · 08/03/2023 22:43

CatOnTheChair no. Finished work at 6:30. Had no time in the day to see if DS was home for dog, so just drove home, walk dog, cook......I don't even have time to check my phone, ring my DS (two aged 18 and 22) or even speak to DHs family. Dog has dog walker for two hrs a day, but I can't leave him any longer than I do. Sometimes one or both DS are home throughout the day.

I sit opposite the directors son in the office.

Only been in this job four weeks, already I feel my life has unravelled.

I feel sad that a job is soooo important (to the director, her son and my manager) that I feel I can't prioritise my family.

I thought your dc were primary school aged. Why didn’t they take the dog for a walk? Why didn’t they cook their own dinner? Why didn’t they ring for an ambulance for their dad? Are your sons in full time education/work (away from home, not working from home)? If not, why can’t they look after the dog?

Maybe take a day off/half day off to visit your DH in hospital. Don’t take too much off because you could use that annual leave for when he’s home if he’s still delirious.

ItsShiela · 09/03/2023 08:41

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Ginmonkeyagain · 09/03/2023 08:42

Bloody hell.

  1. Tell your adult sons to sort themselves out, or don't, they are adults they will work out how not to starve.
  1. Speak to your manager and request compassionate leave as your husband is seriously ill in hospital.

If one of my staff rang and said their partner had been rushed to hospital the night before, there is no way I would expect them to come to work the next day.

Aussiegirl88 · 09/03/2023 08:43

Wait there's a few things that don't add up, you've been at your place of employment for 4 weeks, you said you have a dog walker everyday and have sons old enough to have their own children to look after?

Are you ok? Shock would've worn off by now. Who just leaves their spouse like that?

My husband was rushed to hospital with meningitis after I found hum delirious I had a 5 week old baby and a 10 year old and we were im that car right behind the ambulance then my mother in law came to meet us and took the children home whole I stayed with him until early morning hours then I went ans got my children and came straight back u tol he was moved into a negative pressure room then we face timed. I have only spent 7 nights away from him in 10 years! He would be absolutely gutted if I treated him like this.

I've even seen accidents and gone to hospital to check on total strangers!

Cloudhoppingdancer · 09/03/2023 08:43

MiniTheMinx · 08/03/2023 23:03

I don't know, I think I was just on auto pilot. I just dealt with ringing an ambulance, rang 999 and then went downstairs and started cooking. Ambulance arrived just as dinner was cooked. I don't know why I didn't drop everything and go.

I agree I think DCs should take up some slack. They can feed themselves. I've just carried on as normal today, working, over time, walk dog, cook.....

I've text DH. He's being moved to a ward soon.

I don't know if it's reasonable to ask for time off. He has nothing with him.

I find your response quite chilling. Who wouldn't at least sit with the person until the ambulance arrived? Who would be calm enough to think about cooking for adult children instead?

Do you love him? Do you usually have a denial response when life throws you a curve ball?

Schopfitzer · 09/03/2023 08:45

@MiniTheMinx You sound completely overwhelmed, and it sounds as if you have been overwhelmed for a long time. Once you've got through your husband's illness, it sounds as if you need to see a GP as your mental health is more important than you think it is. A lot of the things that PP are very horribly using as reasons to kick you will be easier to unscramble if you're on a more even keel all round.

Led9519 · 09/03/2023 08:46

Hope he’s okay and will get out soon. Did he have an injury to his leg or do they suspect DVT?
Important to realise what you do now also probably sets a precedent for future emergencies. I think your boss should be happy you go in this morning and log on this afternoon if you can!

Schopfitzer · 09/03/2023 08:47

She really has dragged her children up and not raised them properly at all. Whats the bet they can't even boil an egg or put a load of laundry on? They sound utterly worthless and useless and she's really not raised them properly

Just stop it. Clearly there are problems, but how is this kind of comment going to help anyone?

MoserRothOrangeandAlmond · 09/03/2023 08:48

I think after this OP you need to get some therapy. The job your in doesn't seem to suit you either. It's turned your surface very hard and cold. That is one of the reasons people say you need to change jobs.

I work as a nurse and witness a lot of traumatic events, however when my husband had a seizure (tonic clinic/grand mal) in our bed last week my whole world turned upside down.
I've managed patients with seizures numerous times before but when it's your own family, the love of your life it's completely different. I admit I went into nurse mode at first, contacting ambulance, opening the door for them coming and making sure he wasn't going to injure himself further. I went to the hospital with him, stayed up 36 hours (I had been on nightshift the night prior delivering palliative care) and when I got home it broke me!
We're in limbo at the mo.

I have a young child, she's only 3 and my family stepped up to look after her as at that time he was my priority. He was scared and wanted me there. Just my presence helped and holding his hand.

You have adult children,they shouldn't have to be asked, they should have just offered.
Hope your husband is better soon

Luredbyapomegranate · 09/03/2023 08:50

I feel sad that a job is soooo important (to the director, her son and my manager) that I feel I can't prioritise my family.

Well they are running a business OP. If you need to take time off, tell them. But your kids are more than old enough to look after themselves and the dog, and run errands for your DP too.

It sounds like you don’t like the job full stop, so maybe that’s something you need to sort when your husband gets out. I hope he’s better soon.

IncessantNameChanger · 09/03/2023 08:50

Good luck op. My dh had a life threatening injury at work and lots of people at his job told me to go in the ambulance, but without childcare I couldn't go. It's very hard when the expectation is for you to go but no one helps to make it possible. Luckily my sis offered and I'm forever grateful.

ItsShiela · 09/03/2023 08:50

Schopfitzer · 09/03/2023 08:47

She really has dragged her children up and not raised them properly at all. Whats the bet they can't even boil an egg or put a load of laundry on? They sound utterly worthless and useless and she's really not raised them properly

Just stop it. Clearly there are problems, but how is this kind of comment going to help anyone?

It's the truth. Her kids' stepfather was found in a bad state, with the kids not even having bothered to help him, nor let the dog out. It's disgraceful and your pussyfooting around it doesn't help. If my sons left their family member in a state and still expected dinner, I would be so deeply and utterly ashamed at myself and the job I did as a mother. And so would 99% of the women on this thread.

Felicity42 · 09/03/2023 08:51

Did you actually ask the manager 'can I take this afternoon/tomorrow morning off I want to go to the hospital'?

Or did you tell them the story then sit and hope they'd notice and offer?

You can't accuse people of mistreating you when outwardly you are not communicating clearly with them.
I'm not saying this is the case but it sounds likely.

Then there's a tendency that the stored up resentment causes one to 'act out' by missing work with poor communication.

If you work in a rescuing/carer role the its likely you find it hard asking for help because you thrive on putting other people's needs first. So you rarely put your own needs first.
To your own detriment.

GrasstrackGirl · 09/03/2023 08:53

If I was your husband I'd be planning my divorce.

Monzeitia · 09/03/2023 08:55

Absolutely, speak with your manager or go to HE, they should be sympathetic with your situation, I’m not sure about your leave policy but where I work we can take up to 5 pay days off for this type of critical situations, I’m a manager myself and I would definitely help you here as I had in the past granted my staff pay leave for similar family crisis

Motnight · 09/03/2023 08:56

IncessantNameChanger · 09/03/2023 08:50

Good luck op. My dh had a life threatening injury at work and lots of people at his job told me to go in the ambulance, but without childcare I couldn't go. It's very hard when the expectation is for you to go but no one helps to make it possible. Luckily my sis offered and I'm forever grateful.

Have you read the thread? There were no childcare issues.

Monzeitia · 09/03/2023 09:04

But a good manager should be asking the questions, specially if the staff is stressed and anxious, are you ok? Do you need time off? Is it anything I can do to help? Specially in her line of work, you expect a sympathetic, helpful manager that you can rely on, this is how a company keeps their staff and don’t have a high staff turnover

XelaM · 09/03/2023 09:08

IncessantNameChanger · 09/03/2023 08:50

Good luck op. My dh had a life threatening injury at work and lots of people at his job told me to go in the ambulance, but without childcare I couldn't go. It's very hard when the expectation is for you to go but no one helps to make it possible. Luckily my sis offered and I'm forever grateful.

Were your kids 18 and 22?

monsteramunch · 09/03/2023 09:14

@IncessantNameChanger

It's very hard when the expectation is for you to go but no one helps to make it possible.

Yes, but OP's children are 18 and 22.

They sat and watched their mum cook them dinner rather than insisting she focus on her husband as she clearly wasn't thinking straight and needed them to snap her out of her shock.

Those young men should be absolutely ashamed of themselves. And embarrassed.

I could cry thinking about OP's poor husband in hospital last night and today with none of his stuff and nobody checking on him.

Siepie · 09/03/2023 09:15

You left your husband seriously ill and without so much as a toothbrush so that you could cook for adults?? I just can't even imagine it.

NowAAT · 09/03/2023 09:18

OP First of all I'm sorry about your DH.

BUT I must say I am confused with what I've read on this thread.

You should have ran to your husband's side the minute you got that call! Forget work, forget your grown ass sons, like what?!??!!!

Still confusing.

Wishing your DH speedy recovery.

Prettypaisleyslippers · 09/03/2023 09:22

I’m genuinely shocked by the lack of care. If I was on receiving end of this I’d be rethinking relationship

Sparklfairy · 09/03/2023 09:25

ItsShiela · 09/03/2023 08:50

It's the truth. Her kids' stepfather was found in a bad state, with the kids not even having bothered to help him, nor let the dog out. It's disgraceful and your pussyfooting around it doesn't help. If my sons left their family member in a state and still expected dinner, I would be so deeply and utterly ashamed at myself and the job I did as a mother. And so would 99% of the women on this thread.

Show quote history

You quoted my post and turned it into an unnecessary attack on the OP. This is not the time or the place.

Plenty of people turn into decent adults with a shit upbringing, plenty of people are shit adults no matter how well brought up they were. We can't lay all the blame at the OP's door, that's not fair.

What matters now is OP sees her husband, and overhauls her priorities at work and at home. And that includes getting her DC to step the fuck up. We should support her in that, and help her realise that her DC have really let her down here and their attitude needs to change. Berating her and calling her a disappointing and useless parent helps no one. What's done is done, she can only learn and move forward.