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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to take time off work to visit my husband

224 replies

MiniTheMinx · 08/03/2023 22:08

On Tuesday I had to call an ambulance to my husband. He was delirious and his leg was turning purple. He was taken to hospital.

I didn't go with him, I discovered him at home in this state when I returned from work. The dog hadn't been out, the DC hadn't eaten. This morning I went to work......again.

Is it unreasonable to request time off?

OP posts:
ootb · 09/03/2023 02:54

Yes OP, your latest update got a lot more normal. I'm a massive people pleaser myself but your first few updates were just incredibly weird, like from a parallel universe. Maybe you were in shock. At least try semi-assertively stating your need for time off.

Also, why are you breaking your back cooking for your adult children after a long day at work? No matter how dysfunctional your children are, even if they're just lying in bed all day in the worst case scenario, at some point they can call in a delivery or make themselves a sandwich.

ootb · 09/03/2023 02:54

After a long day at work and with your husband in an awful state in hospital

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 09/03/2023 03:12

I don’t really understand, at least ask your work before you get upset that they won’t allow you the time to go visit. It seems like you are expecting them to suggest offer but how do they know you want that if don’t ask. I think it’s on you to make the time to prioritise your husband here and that includes discussing it with work.

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/03/2023 03:17

I think you’re so used to putting everyone else first and not advocating for your needs. I also think this was exacerbated by the bullying at work. So now, you carry on appeasing everyone.

I agree with the posts advising you to tell work your dh is really ill and you need to go to him, they you’ll not be in today and unlikely tomorrow either. You have the dog walker and you need to speak to your dcs about the dog and cooking. Texting them is probably better than a note if they’re glued to their phones.

MrsMorrisey · 09/03/2023 03:55

OP I think you've gone into auto pilot. You need to go see him.
Just do it. The world won't fall apart if you change your routine.

TheLadyofShalott1 · 09/03/2023 04:20

At the very best this must be a reverse, so I am stopping reading this after page 2. Patient X should have their answer by now!

MySugarBabyLove · 09/03/2023 04:20

If a woman posted here that her dh had collapsed at home and all her dh did was call an ambulance and then carried on cooking the dinner for the grownups who live there she would be told to ltb.

the only one to blame for you being such a selfish shit partner is you. Hopefully this will make him realise he deserves better and he’ll ltb.

MajorCarolDanvers · 09/03/2023 04:35

This would fall under emergency leave for dependents if you don't/can't take annual leave.

Zanatdy · 09/03/2023 04:57

of course it’s reasonable to request some AL at short notice for this kind of situation. Agree your son’s can fend for themselves and sort the dog out. Sounds like your DH would appreciate a visit, it’s lonely being an in patient

Sparklfairy · 09/03/2023 05:30

The dog hadn't been out, the DC hadn't eaten.

WTF OP. I know you've given your head a wobble now I've read the updates but are you telling me you have two adult sons who don't eat if it's not served to them? Who don't use their initiative and look after the dog? Who don't notice or do anything when your husband is delirious and his leg is purple?

I know you're in shock but honestly, I would not be impressed with their selfish behaviour. I won't kick you when you're down but I would be raising merry hell about this with them. I thought they were young children when I first read it but my jaw dropped to the floor when I read they were adults.

And please, no bullshit about 'he's not their dad, it's not their dog'. You show support for family, and you're all family.

YukoandHiro · 09/03/2023 05:41

OP glad you've decided to just tell work you won't be in today. No asking for permission, just do it.

But I agree with other posters: after this you need to sit down with your adult Dc and have a big chat. Tbh I would probably be telling them they've both got 3 months to move out because they've demonstrated they're not willing to remain part of your household.

FloydWasACat · 09/03/2023 05:57

OP two years ago my husband collapsed due to an undiagnosed spinal fluid leakage, we only got him home last November and now he is tetraplegic for life.
I told work I would not be in when it first happened until I was able to, no debate.

You are also allowed pro-rata carer's leave legally. It shouldn't matter how long you have been in your job.

From my experience I would say see your DH as much as you can, work isn't your family or your life. If they try to make it hard for you then speak to CAB or Acas for advice.

I hope he gets better soon, if you would want to PM me for any sort of advice or support, please do. I've been there and it's shit xx

WeAreTheHeroes · 09/03/2023 06:12

Given you feel he wasn't supportive to you when you were being bullied at work were you perhaps subconsciously punishing him by not going to see him? Your behaviour is odd to me and so many on this thread it's almost as if you don't like your husband. Having read the whole thread you sound traumatised and unable to advocate for yourself. This is not normal and you should seek help.

yetii · 09/03/2023 06:16

thaegumathteth · 08/03/2023 23:18

This is bizarre. So you came home, found your dh seriously unwell, called and ambulance and then left him to cook for adults. Didn't even pack a bag for him? Didn't take him stuff in today?

If I were your dh I would be absolutely livid and so so hurt it'd be unbelievable.

Yeah same.. this is awful 😞

Namechangeforthis88 · 09/03/2023 06:34

The most deeply unpleasant manager I ever had gave me a lift home in the middle of the working day when DH became seriously unwell. And I have worked for a few unpleasant people.

SpringIntoChaos · 09/03/2023 06:37

Your behaviour towards your husband is actually shocking! Do you even like him?? Most caring humans would do more for a sick stranger than you are doing for your husband OP!! I'm staggered!

Get your arse to the hospital IMMEDIATELY and apologise for being so crap, then TELL your adult sons to pull their fucking finger out and step up!

Jesus wept! 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

XelaM · 09/03/2023 06:59

OP your poor husband. Go and visit him!

Beautiful3 · 09/03/2023 06:59

Your children are men, who live in your house! Yeah they should step up, walk the dog and cook dinner. You need to have a word with them. My 9 and 13 year olds, help cook the odd meal for me. My 13 year old would walk the dog for me, if I asked her. Why wouldn't you expect more help from your sons, who are men?!

User1990C · 09/03/2023 07:00

You're either in shock or this is nonsense. Don't show up to work and see your husband.

Kitkatfiend31 · 09/03/2023 07:07

Please stop talking about asking for time off. You need to go to your DH so TELL work you won't be in! Take control.

Mulhollandmagoo · 09/03/2023 07:12

In this scenario, you don't ask for time off, you tell your manager you have had a family emergency and won't be in.

Is there anyone who can look after your dog, our walker is also our boarder, could your dog go there (or another boarder/kennel) for a few days so you don't need to worry about him, and you know he is looked after. Your sons will figure it out as soon as they start to get hungry and realise you're not going to be home.

Zonder · 09/03/2023 07:19

So your husband was taken to hospital in an ambulance and you haven't seen him for two days since he went in because of work? That's insane. You should have told work on day 1 you needed a couple of hours off to go in. That poor man. Go today. If they are so unfeeling that they don't encourage you to go then you need to find a better job.

Bikeybikeface · 09/03/2023 07:23

Do you love your oh? Don’t you think about how he is feeling right now, scared, in pain, forgotten? Poor show op. I woke up in hospital and didn’t have anything with me, I was distraught to think nobody had been to see me. Turns out they had but I’d been in intensive care so I didn’t know.
As a dog walker myself , your dog will survive whether it gets walked again or not. It’ll be fine. Your adult children, have they always been this useless?

ferneytorro · 09/03/2023 07:26

MiniTheMinx · 09/03/2023 00:05

It's real. I couldn't lie to my manager and say I'd been called into the hospital. Why would I lie here?

Show quote history

But no one calls you to the hospital unless they think the person is going to die. By your rule of thumb, no one would ever get visitors !

your employer may be assuming you will tell them you need time off , agree with others, either go at night or tell them you need a few hours in the day. It sounds like you are waiting for someone to give you permission, your bosses to leave work and your sons to say leave it mum we will cope. People don’t always think like that though so that’s when you need to self advocate .

Velvian · 09/03/2023 07:27

@MiniTheMinx , Does your dog walker do boarding? Or do you have a kennels that you use? Send the dog elsewhere for a few days. Get a supermarket delivery of microwave meals and pizzas. Your dog walking and cooking time can be spent with your DH.

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