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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to take time off work to visit my husband

224 replies

MiniTheMinx · 08/03/2023 22:08

On Tuesday I had to call an ambulance to my husband. He was delirious and his leg was turning purple. He was taken to hospital.

I didn't go with him, I discovered him at home in this state when I returned from work. The dog hadn't been out, the DC hadn't eaten. This morning I went to work......again.

Is it unreasonable to request time off?

OP posts:
cadburyegg · 08/03/2023 23:16

I thought you were going to say the dc were primary aged... let them cook for themselves. They're old enough to be living away from home!! Doesn't matter if your husband isn't their dad

IkBenDeMol · 08/03/2023 23:17

It doesn't matter that it's not their dad. They are old enough to appreciate that you - their mum - needs them to take care of the household stuff and free up time for hospital visits. Their behaviour is so, so selfish.

user1471517900 · 08/03/2023 23:17

Your poor DH. Imagine being in hospital, terrified and in pain. And your wife won't even come and visit because she's at work or making dinner for two adult children.

thaegumathteth · 08/03/2023 23:18

This is bizarre. So you came home, found your dh seriously unwell, called and ambulance and then left him to cook for adults. Didn't even pack a bag for him? Didn't take him stuff in today?

If I were your dh I would be absolutely livid and so so hurt it'd be unbelievable.

mdinbc · 08/03/2023 23:27

Sorry, but your priority needs to be your husband. Call in sick for work, tell adult kids to keep the house going while you are at the hospital.

TheTeenageYears · 08/03/2023 23:27

Is your DH in hospital with no toiletries/PJ's/things to do etc etc? If so you need to pack a bag and drop off asap. It seems like you are too used to doing the procedural thing (calling an ambulance if someone is sick) and have forgotten about the caring family side that someone else is usually responsible for - in this scenario that's you. The 'children' can take care of themselves and the dog. If it wasn't an emergency situation you shouldn't have called an ambulance. Treat this like the emergency it is where work and home are concerned. Your DH seems to be extremely low down in your list of priorities which of course might be warranted but generally people pull out all the stops when a loved one is taken into hospital.

Original poster
MiniTheMinx · 08/03/2023 23:27

I can't imagine being my DH in hospital with no spare clothes, nothing 😢

I did speak to my manager this morning. But she just said to let her know if hospital requests I go. They haven't requested I get there, so I just carried on at work.

OP posts:
TheTeenageYears · 08/03/2023 23:30

MiniTheMinx · 08/03/2023 23:27

I can't imagine being my DH in hospital with no spare clothes, nothing 😢

I did speak to my manager this morning. But she just said to let her know if hospital requests I go. They haven't requested I get there, so I just carried on at work.

The hospital are very unlikely to request that you go in, visitors are a bit of a poisoned chalice in hospital but you go because it's best for the patient. If this was your DC's would you have acted differently? You seem to be sleepwalking!

vipersnest1 · 08/03/2023 23:31

So... just lie. There's no way your work can check it.
Just say you need to leave early / not go in because he is terribly unwell and you need to be there.
Just be careful not to be too cheeky.

Feelinglow27 · 08/03/2023 23:34

Wtf is this?

Your husband was sent off in an ambulance with no supplies and you haven't seen him yet? Nor bothered to ring in the day?

Why would a hospital insist you go in? That is not their responsibility?

If I were your husband (or your husbands family) I would be thinking you do not give one tiny shit about me and would be ending the relationship.

TheBigWangTheory · 08/03/2023 23:35

You found your husband derlirious and with a limb turning purple....and you rang an ambulance and went off to cook for 2 adults and walk the fcking dog? Then as he left in an ambulance, seriously ill, you went to bed, got up and went to work as normal, and then came home and cooked and walked the dog AGAIN, with your hisband alone in hospital with nothing?

I'd divorce you. Seriously.

SNWannabe · 08/03/2023 23:36

I think you should take compassionate leave and then get signed off. It doesn’t sound like you’re okay, you need to reflect on your life and your priorities and speak to your adult sons about the expectations on them too. It does not matter if it’s “your dog” if they live in the family home it’s a family pet. And whether your husband is their dad on not, I am assuming he has put a roof over their heads along with you for a few years and continues to do so, and you’re their mum. With 4 adults in the house this shouldn’t be all on you. My 22 year old runs her own home and feeds and raises two children, and has been looking after herself since she moved out age 18. Even the fact you call them your children rather than your sons is infantalising them. Use this time ti reset new boundaries at work and home, and look after yourself as well as your husband. Fwiw he only really needs pjs for now and even then if he has a catheter in he might be as easy with a gown on for the staff… once he is awake he will need his own stuff and his phone and an iPad and cables etc. So please prioritise him getting his stuff when he is able to be moving to a ward etc. They will have toothbrushes and smellies etc though so don’t worry he won’t be unkempt.

MrsDoylesDoily · 08/03/2023 23:37

I didn't go with him, I discovered him at home in this state when I returned from work. The dog hadn't been out, the DC hadn't eaten.

Jesus wept, they're TWO fucking ADULTS!

I'd find it hard to even look at my husband again if he thought feeding two adults and walking the dog, was more of a priority than going with me in the ambulance.

Your 'D'C really need to step up to the plate here. Why on earth didn't they say "You go mum, we'll walk the dog and feed ourselves"??

Motheranddaughtertotwo · 08/03/2023 23:37

MiniTheMinx · 08/03/2023 23:08

In my line of work you get used to putting aside how you yourself feel, dealing with others welfare first. I've rung so many ambulances, seen so many things, dealt with so much actual trauma mental and physical I think I just don't react normally anymore, I'm just sort of numb in those situations now :( so I just carried on, and even this morning just carried on......as normal.

Show quote history

You sound like you’re in shock. And you sound like you put others first all the time, but you need to focus on you and your husband now. I understand that about seeing so much trauma that you almost become immune to it but it’ll hit you like a ton of bricks if you don’t take time to process it. Have you actually managed to sit down and have someone fuss over you for five minutes or even let you get your head together? You need to speak to your boss and then your children and figure out, together, how you help your husband.

thaegumathteth · 08/03/2023 23:37

Why are you being so weird and passive? It's honestly just horrible that you've left your dh like this and it's a choice you have made.

MrsDoylesDoily · 08/03/2023 23:38

TheBigWangTheory · 08/03/2023 23:35

You found your husband derlirious and with a limb turning purple....and you rang an ambulance and went off to cook for 2 adults and walk the fcking dog? Then as he left in an ambulance, seriously ill, you went to bed, got up and went to work as normal, and then came home and cooked and walked the dog AGAIN, with your hisband alone in hospital with nothing?

I'd divorce you. Seriously.

So would I.

ProbablyBU88 · 08/03/2023 23:41

Your kids are adults? Are they so self centered and helpless that they can't walk a dog and fend for themselves for 2 nights? The whole thread is so bizarre and so far off anything most people would do. I can't believe you didn't go with him or visit, that's just insane.

randomuser2019 · 08/03/2023 23:43

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn at the poster's request due to privacy concerns.

MarshaMelrose · 08/03/2023 23:45

ProbablyBU88 · 08/03/2023 23:41

Your kids are adults? Are they so self centered and helpless that they can't walk a dog and fend for themselves for 2 nights? The whole thread is so bizarre and so far off anything most people would do. I can't believe you didn't go with him or visit, that's just insane.

Exactly. Why didn't they tell you to stop cooking and go with your husband? And who cares if the dog's not theirs? I'd take in my neighbours dog if something happened to one of them. That's what decent, considerate people do. Which doesn't some like either of your sons, sorry to say.
I don't want to put into words what I really think of them.

TheBigWangTheory · 08/03/2023 23:47

If my husband treated me this way I think I may never actually speak to him again.

I would have been nicer to a complete stranger who collapsed on my path than you have been to your spouse.

Lavender14 · 08/03/2023 23:48

Are you entitled to carers leave, compassionate leave or dependants leave? I would check that out as you should be able to take some time under those circumstances. Maybe talk to your manager directly and say this is what's happening, its all incredibly stressful and you need to take some time to look after dh and your children and yourself. Then ask them what their policy is around supporting staff in these circumstances and how that leave will be recorded.

ChannelyourinnerElsa · 08/03/2023 23:50

@thaegumathteth and @TheBigWangTheory

completely agree. You’d be getting a divorce if I were your husband.

what is wrong with you? Medical Shock would have worn off by tonight, so why the fuck do you care so little for your spouse you can’t even take him a pair of PJs?

I can’t believe this.

Hadjab · 08/03/2023 23:50

OP, when my husband suffered a bleed on the brain, I left a message for my line manager at some ungodly hour and told him I wasn’t coming in. I spoke to him the next day and he told me to take all the time I needed. If he hadn’t, I would have handed in my notice there and then.

I really think you are suffering from shock, which is understandable, but you need to move past it for now. Make a list of things you need to take to your husband, and in the morning, call your employer and TELL them you won’t be in, as your husband is seriously ill. Life is short - please don’t let another day go by without seeing him.

justgettingthroughtheday · 08/03/2023 23:51

Woah!!! Hang on guys stop being so horrid! The OP is clearly in shock!! No she may not be acting rationally but thats because she is in shock!!!
How about being supportive and helpful rather than judgemental bitches!

ChannelyourinnerElsa · 08/03/2023 23:51

@MarshaMelrose

presumably the sons learnt their compassion skills from their mother.