to take time off work to visit my husband

[MiniTheMinx]

On Tuesday I had to call an ambulance to my husband. He was delirious and his leg was turning purple. He was taken to hospital.

I didn't go with him, I discovered him at home in this state when I returned from work. The dog hadn't been out, the DC hadn't eaten. This morning I went to work......again.

Is it unreasonable to request time off?

This is bonkers - you definitely must be in shock. You started cooking dinner while awaiting an ambulance for your seriously ill husband?

I hope your sons have copped on and are taking care of you. Tell work you need some time to take your husband his things. He must be desperate to see you. Nothing is more important than family and health.

I hope he recovers soon and please try and look after yourself too, it's a very stressful time.

Great. I hope he’s ok.

Is it legal to not be allowed a lunch break?

Same. When I was in my late teens and in hospital, my parents would drive home from work, collect more things for me, and then drive over an hour to see me. They made the effort. Sometimes they took leave to see me during the day. I’d feel abandoned if someone I thought loved me left me alone in hospital without any spare clothes, toiletries etc and didn’t bother to check how I was doing.

I don’t understand why feeding her two adult sons is more of a priority than her very ill DH in hospital. Also why didn’t her sons ring for an ambulance, walk the dogs and make dinner for themselves? So odd.

I love dogs but seriously you seem overly focussed on walking him/her at a hugely distressing time for you / your husband. Surely your sons have enough about them to offer to do this to help out. This is all very strange.

Your manager is being a c*nt, or an idiot. Just tell her, tearfully if necessary, that your OH is in hospital without any clothes or necessities. Explain that you were in shock when the ambulance came, but you can't go on any longer and need some time to visit him and take him necessities.

Reading your later posts I see you have done this. Make sure you speak to your manager later today - in fact ASAP as I see it is now after 9am, and remind them if necessary that having a day off to deal with an emergency like this is your legal right. Later you may like to remind them that you also have a legal right to a (sadly unpaid, although your contract may with any luck say differently) 20 minute lunch break if you work more than 6 hours in a shift.

Find it slightly odd your the one putting job first. Nothing would ever make me leave my other half alone in hospital wether very ill or slightly ill.

Not only that, but work couldn't legally do anything to the OP if she had chosen to leave and join her husband at the hospital!

I'm glad you've taken the day off. I'd also drop the overtime for as long as he's in hospital, so you aren't running yourself ragged. Any decent employer would be fine with this, so if yours kicks up a fuss, I'd be making plans to quit and find another job. I take it you work in social care? If you do, there'll be other jobs. I agree you need to get your DCs to help. Making their own dinner isn't even "helping", they're adults, they can take care of making sure they eat, you don't have an obligation to prepare their meals. Yes walking the dog would be helping, but you're their mother and you need help, asking isn't unreasonable at all.

No-one has any right to determine the 'correct' way to respond to trauma. If you really are in the same line of work it's pretty shocking you don't know this.

Also - just mean-spirited and nasty.

If I were your manager, I'd have been sympathetic on tues and insisted you go home and do whatever necessary to look after your DH.

Now that your DH is in a ward, the emergency is presumably over. I'd have assumed you'd visited him every eve and taken clothes, toiletries etc during evening visiting.

I'd be a bit bemused if you'd called in sick 2 days later because you need to go visit him and take stuff. You've only been there 4 weeks, so I wouldn't know you well enough to appreciate your emotional conflict over priorities.

You sons have to be told to step up. Cook, clean, walk dog, shop.

You should have an open convo with your manager to explain your home situation and equally to tell them that you're finding the work situation overwhelming. You need breaks. You'd appreciate advance warning/request for overtime. You need the ability to check your phone during the day. You didn't sign up to having the on call phone while not at work. Set some boundaries and expectations. If they can't be reasonable, then look for a better job.

I hope your DH is quickly better and back home.

This is one of the strangest threads I've ever read. Your reaction sounds like a trauma response, OP. Once you are through this immediate crisis you need to talk to someone about all this.

I was completely shocked at beginning of this that the op didn't go to hospital with her husband when the ambulance came, let alone not bothering to go to see him for all this time. This is so bizarre and I find it hard to believe that anyone could behave like this towards their partner. My husband has a really severe hospital phobia but he has always managed to cope with this when I've been in hospital and has never missed a visit or left me without things I needed. I can't imagine how hurt the OP's husband must be to realise that he's a lower priority in his wife's life than the bloody dog!

I have empathy for your situation, my DH was taken to hospital when I’d just started a new job but my DC were both primary school aged. I felt really stressed that work would think I was taking the piss, was trying to juggle the kids and home, wanted to see him, but it was really hard. We did message a lot and I did visit as I managed to get others to help me. Ask all your friends for help, tell work, rely on others. You clearly have a job helping others, now is the time to ask people to help and take care of you and your DH. Hope he’s ok.

Of course they should help their mother.

Honestly OP, helping out with the dog and the cooking in a crisis like this is the bare minimum that I would expect from housemates, let alone adult children living with their mother and stepfather.

The hospital will only call you in if he's dying. Will they let you go then ? This is ridiculous. My partner was in quite ill. I just said 'I won't be in the next couple of days'

Maybe bit blunt but your Dc are adults....!!!! How embarrassing that they cant cook for themselves or take the dog out it seems!!

I would be at hospital with Dh where poss tbh and your boss should umderstand

Surely this isn't real. No one can be this gormless about their own family

Your work setup doesn't sound particularly...legal.

I hope your DH is better soon.

And I think you need to prioritise and look after yourself. You're doing what needs to be done, but missing things that are important, including looking after yourself.

Can you access counselling through your work to get a better sense of what's reasonable to expect in your workplace? It doesn't sound like a healthy or well managed place.

If something happened to you tomorrow and you couldn’t work ever again… they would just replace you.

Im very glad you’ve taken today off and gone to see your husband.

For this… sod work. Rarely do people on their death beds ever say “I wish I had worked more.”

You've been on autopilot, fair enough. Now it's time to get it together. First of all order your groceries to be delivered, your kids can cook for themselves and you. Speak to them, let them know you are upset and stressed and need help. Then leave them to it, your boys are adults not little kids.

I'm glad you are taking a day to work from home. I'd visit your oh and then take a few days off. A good manager cares about the welfare of their team. it doesn't sound like this place is necessarily the best fit for you long term.

As pp have said, your adult DS need to step up and support you. Well done for telling your boss you’re going to the hospital today. Hope your DH is improving.