to take time off work to visit my husband

[MiniTheMinx]

On Tuesday I had to call an ambulance to my husband. He was delirious and his leg was turning purple. He was taken to hospital.

I didn't go with him, I discovered him at home in this state when I returned from work. The dog hadn't been out, the DC hadn't eaten. This morning I went to work......again.

Is it unreasonable to request time off?

@fiorentina Really OP should be expecting her kids to step up - they are 18 and 22 for heaven's sake! The fact that OP felt unable to go to the hospital because the "kids" had not had dinner is just very odd

@Lunde that’s what I meant by asking for help. She’s already got two adults around to help her, before asking other friends as well.
However I think if you’re in a high pressure new job with this added stress it’s quite hard to see the wood for the trees sometimes.

I hope DH is making progress and being looked after.

Take care of yourself and don't worry about work.

Thank you to everyone who has been kind. I've seen DH now. He has cellulitis very badly, his entire leg is now purple, but they also believe there could be a blood clot so he's being treated for that also.

For those people questioning how my sons were raised I can only say that they have been used to me just carrying on as normal. They didn't expect me to cook though and can quite easily look after themselves. They love the dog too, but as with most things domestic related I'd have to ask for help. If I ask they will help. I didn't ask.

I don't ask for help. I'm useless at accepting help too. So that's on me.

Are your sons stepping up now?

Glad you have been able to go and see your DH.

Have you been contacted by work?

I'm glad you have seen DH and he is being treated.

Please try to practice asking for and accepting help, it is a strength to take the help you need, not a weakness or failing. We all need help sometimes, just like we all need to be useful, accepting help lets other people be useful and that is good for them as well as you.

I'm not sure if I explained that well at all. But help is good.

Also being able to offer useful, practical help to people in need is an important skill that all adults need to learn and practice. Offering to do useful things, not just saying "let me know if you need anything" is something that takes practice and empathy.

You children need to learn this to be successful in life in general and relationships specifically. Letting them practice on you is a kindness to them. They need to learn that when something like this happens they should make food, walk the dog, do some washing, make tea. How will they learn if you don't start them off?

I totally agree with this. Why not sit down with your sons, as three adults sharing a home, and be honest with them about them stepping up regularly to help in the home you all share? Talk to them about how the various tasks need to be shared - for example is a rota you all agree to - not just for the incidence but for the future- help you and everyone else in your home?

Open, honest communication is key here in order for you to regain your mental and physical resilience. When it's possible, remember to add some relaxing actions into your life to offset the stress you are under? Yoga? Swimming? Anything you enjoyed or haven't tried yet?

Take care of YOU, OP and please be more assertive to get the life balance you need don't risk becoming mentally or physically sick yourself. Putting boundaries in place, gently but firmly, especially where none have been before, can be difficult initially but it does get better with practice and will keep your work-life more balanced in the future. Strength to you. 🌹

I'm not so sure about the 99% of women, unless this thread is full of very heartless women.

Clearly the adult sons could and should be acting like adults. But given that the OP is clearly not in the best frame of mind (and it sounds like it has been a long time in the making), people telling her that she's a shit mother and her children are useless, pathetic etc is not going to help. In fact, it's vile.

@MiniTheMinx I'm glad you've now seen your husband.

If I ask they will help. I didn't ask

2 adults seeing their stepdad being taken to hospital shouldn't need to be asked. They should automatically step up. They're not children. They should be bloody ashamed of themselves.

I couldn't agree more wholeheartedly with this.

I can't believe you cooked dinner while waiting for an ambulance!!!!

WTF. How would you feel if you were in DH's state and he reacted as you have?

Op, go and visit him this evening, what is stopping you? Tonight or tomorrow you don't ask your manager if you can go, you TELL your manager you will not be in work as you will be at the hospital with your husband. You will let her know if you will be in on Monday or not.

Stop sacrificing your husband for your work! You are entirely replaceable at work, you are not replaceable as a wife!

I'm glad you got to see him, @MiniTheMinx. Cellulitis is always a worry but he got treatment quickly which is the most important thing. At least now your boys have stepped up, you only have to concentrate on you and on what you need to do.

I am going to say this again; you can't turn back time. Look after the people you care about. When my husband collapsed I sat outside with him until paramedics and then finally the ambulance arrived. Three hours. And you went and walked the dog and cooked dinner?

I didn't know which hospital he got taken to, I just ended up calling all of them until I found the one he was (that incl. A&E).

I'm sorry, it might be shock or something but a normal reaction is not to walk the dog and cook dinner and not see someone in hospital to be there for them.

My DH is in his new 'bedroom' downstairs. The one thing I am proud of myself doing is always trying to see him. If I didn't I don't think we would have the relationship we have now.

I've seen DH and both sons cooked dinner this eve and washed up. One helped with the shopping. They will do things if I ask, and they can fend for themselves. Usually I cook for all of us though. They are both hard working, polite, sensible, no issues with dodgy friends, no arguments. Very self contained and not very effusive or emotional. But they do care.

I have been working from home. I have achieved more in three hours at home than in almost five weeks of being in the office......which is not very surprising to me. I have work to do tomorrow evening, so I will take the afternoon to visit DH in hospital. Boss can lump it. I'm not going to be flexible working evenings and weekends on a 9-5 Mon- Fri contract unless I can claw back these extra hours when I need to. So, I have a plan going forward. I've managed my own hrs before without direct interference and micro management, and don't require to be told how to manage my time effectively, or watched in case I'm skiving.

Hopefully DH will be home over the weekend. Thank you for giving me a kick up the bum, I feel justified now in putting my family first.

Well done OP. You've done the right thing.

👏🏻 👏🏻 OP! Onwards and upwards.

You cooked dinner while waiting for an ambulance?! That's rather odd behaviour. Surely you'd want to be supporting your husband? Or at least getting him an overnight bag together. Your sons need to step up as others have said. They are adults.

Well done OP! Remember to take some time for yourself too, it’s so easy to shoulder it all.

Hi, how are you both doing?

@MiniTheMinx you sound like a transformed woman - well done! I suspect you were just overwhelmed before. Please do take better care of yourself - it does sound as if you've been supporting DS and DH for a long time, and it's time the family started working more as a unit and less as a flower hanging from once precarious stem - you. Keep your sons, and your DH once he is better, nurturing the WHOLE family in the future... THAT INCLUDES YOU x

Thank you to everyone who posted.

DH is home. He's getting better but working from home for now. I'm still working silly hours but I'm hoping I can push back on that in time.

I'm glad he's back OP. Hopefully things will be easier with your children helping out and, when he's able, your husband will also step up. Look after your own self too. 🌹

So glad to hear that. A speedy recovery to him. And good luck with your job. I hope you manage to wrangle your hours under control. And a big kiss to your dog. 💋 Mwah.