Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to take time off work to visit my husband

224 replies

MiniTheMinx · 08/03/2023 22:08

On Tuesday I had to call an ambulance to my husband. He was delirious and his leg was turning purple. He was taken to hospital.

I didn't go with him, I discovered him at home in this state when I returned from work. The dog hadn't been out, the DC hadn't eaten. This morning I went to work......again.

Is it unreasonable to request time off?

OP posts:
HassleTheHoff · 09/03/2023 00:23

Honestly the manager probably just had bad phrasing and meant if you need to go tell me, as you only started at the company very recently if they coped without you 4 weeks ago, they can cope without you for a day or two, get off mn, pack that bag, see your husband tomorrow, tell don't ask work and your adult children can cook, clean, look after the dog as they presumably care for their mum and don't want her dog to suffer

kitcat15 · 09/03/2023 00:24

Piss poor excuses OP 🙄….I’ve worked in adult mental health and childrens safeguarding for 30 years…..im betting I’ve seen far more abuse and trauma than you…..but work is just work …..when your family need you ….you are there…end of

palelavender · 09/03/2023 00:25

Your job sounds awful. No lunch breaks, over time including up to 2.5 hrs in one day last week and yet they insist you're at your desk during core hours.....except you're often not because you have to cover other people's work. And when you're not there you have to carry their phone everywhere outside of those hours. You say that you feel sad that a job is soooo important (to the director, her son and your manager) that you feel you can't prioritise your family. They must have been thrilled to hire you because in the nicest possible way, you're a walking doormat. Why is this flexibility going only one way? Why do you have to carry their phone outside work hours? How can they demand that you work overtime (which I assume is unpaid) and don't give you a lunch break?

It sounds like you are overwhelmed. It's hard to see another reason why when your husband was delirious and his leg was turning purple that you carried on cooking dinner while he was carted off in an ambulance. It's not as though an 18 year old and a 22 year old were going to starve is it?

Quitelikeacatslife · 09/03/2023 00:25

MiniTheMinx · 09/03/2023 00:20

Quitelikeacatslife it's strange, up until a few hours ago I thought my manager was quite nice. But I agree with you. When I think about how I would have responded I know I would have sent someone home. I told her what had happened and that I didn't know yet exactly where he was or what was wrong, she said "let me know if the hospital ask you to go" that was it. She knows as well as I do the hospital won't chase up relatives anymore.

Yes that's what I mean, any decent person would have said , let me know what you need . Or how I can help? But some people just think of work , so be business like and tell her what you are doing . (Which is obviously going straight up to hospital tomorrow)

neilyoungismyhero · 09/03/2023 00:30

MiniTheMinx · 08/03/2023 23:13

IkBenDeMol I'm sorry to hear that. Will your dad be ok?

I'm going to leave a note in kitchen to DC to share dog duty and cook tomorrow. I don't feel its their duty though to help. It's not their dog, it's not their dad. But agreed, they should help because it's helping me. I find it very hard to ask for anything.

To be honest and not meaning to add to your trauma but they shouldn't need asking...something very wrong if they can't step up for you.

YourSpleenIsDamp · 09/03/2023 00:37

Just go to the hospital and be with your DH - I don't understand why you think you need to wait to be called in? DSs can look after themselves and the dog. Work can wait - tell them what's happening, don't ask them. I hope DH is ok. Would he feel up to talking on the phone so you can ask him what he needs you to bring him?

I hope you're ok too OP - you sound really shocked, and I'm not surprised, it must have been terrifying, and now the immediate crisis has passed you're processing it all and the emotions are coming out. I'm another "cope in a crisis, go to pieces later" type, and know how it feels when your emotions catch up with what's happened. Sending hugs, can you try and get some sleep? Xx

Original poster
MiniTheMinx · 09/03/2023 00:37

palelavender yes that just about sums it up. Flexibility only in their favour. I do feel overwhelmed and exhausted at only four weeks in.

I'm going to TELL manager I need the day to go to hospital. I'll work from home when I get home. She can lump it.

I do work with some lovely people now, but at least one is on the verge of walking out, and one walked last week. Its poorly managed.

kitcat15 I think it would be in poor taste to play top trumps with the absolute horror that is childrens social care and their stories.....so bog off please.

OP posts:
Eyerollcentral · 09/03/2023 00:40

Holy god do NOT say I’ll work from home when I get in. Just say I’ll not be in the rest of the week as my husband is I’ll, I’ll let you know as soon as I can if I’ll be in on Monday. Stop martyring yourself. You’ll get no thanks. Focus on your husband and your own health. They aren’t going to fire you, they sound ridiculously busy

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 09/03/2023 00:43

You're making out it's your boss, boss's son and manager's fault yet ypu havent even asked them.
It's an emergency, you need to make it a priority.

Wasywasydoodah · 09/03/2023 00:46

I wonder if you have secondary trauma? Might be worth thinking about some counselling when this crisis is over

Kedece2410 · 09/03/2023 00:47

Of course it is not unreasonable. But nor is expecting dc to step up

Why the hell not. Theyre grown adults not bloody children. They should be stepping up without asking

Sorry OP but seriously how on earth can't you find time in the entire day to phone the hospital or your husband. Phone travelling to or from work. When you're walking the dog. There's literally no excuse for that

My heart goes out to your poor husband. Being in hospital is miserable. Having your own things & visitors are what keeps you going.

If I was that far down my partners list of priorities then quite honestly I'd be reviewing the relationship

toomuchlaundry · 09/03/2023 00:59

Were your DC there when your husband was ill at home?

Lunde · 09/03/2023 01:01

Take tomorrow at least off! Tell them you will not be in because your DH needs you and requires items to be brought in. Also tell them that you will be taking it as Time off in lieu because of the overtime you have done.

When I had a life changing accident DH just told work that he wasn't coming in and didn't worry about it at all. And tbh our DC aged 11 and 13 were more helpful that your adult dc

Thatsridiculous · 09/03/2023 01:03

OP you need to prioritise your husband. Your children are young adults and do not need you to cook for them. Your job can wait. It isn’t ok that your husband is in hospital with no belongings and that you haven’t been in to see him.

I have to be honest and say I would be devastated if my DH did this to me.

Of course it is reasonable to take time off - though I don’t understand why you haven’t visited in the evenings

RotundBeagle · 09/03/2023 01:09

I don't have any idea what his malady is but it sounds potentially serious. You should be prioritising him or at least checking in.

If he'd had a big blood clot and died or something you'd never forgive yourself for ignoring him to focus on cooking dinner and doing work stuff.

RotundBeagle · 09/03/2023 01:23

I don't feel its their duty though to help. It's not their dog, it's not their dad.

But it's your husband. They should care enough about you to do basic things like feed a dog and themselves. If they don't give a shit about your husband then who the fuck are they to expect you to priorise their dinner in a medical emergency?

I did speak to my manager this morning. But she just said to let her know if hospital requests I go.

Fuck this woman. Seriously! Do you think she'd be at work if her husband or son was rushed to hospital? I wouldn't be asking whether she thought I should go. I'd be saying "I need to go and check my husband is OK as this could be serious" and then seeing what her response was. I promise you this isn't internet bravado.

If she then said she absolutely needed me for urgent work matters then I'd suspect it was true and would maybe try and phone hospital and make a judgement whether I thought it was worth risking my job based on the medical situation/severity. But I'd imagine she just walked right over you as you didn't assert that you really needed to go check on him.

I don't know what's more frustrating - the way people treat you or the fact you let them, OP.

RiktheButler · 09/03/2023 01:32

I'm seeing posters blaming the manager- but how would they understand the seriousness when the op seems so unfazed?

Maybe the op is in shock? She's spending more time on mumsnet than talking to/visiting her husband

Take time off work? And yet she's elected to not visit in the evening

That poor man needs to evaluate his own life when he ranks below the fucking dog even when critically ill

Daftasyoulike · 09/03/2023 01:40

Like everyone else OP I'm shocked at your reaction. I can perhaps understand that initially you were in shock, but then if you deal with this sort of thing day in, day out, with your job, I really don't even understand why that should be the case. In my opinion NO job is more important than a family member! So I'm hoping that having read the responses on here, tomorrow morning you will email your boss, say 'Sorry, I won't be in today as I need to be with my husband, who as you know is in hospital. I will be in touch when I have seen him and assessed where we're at.' Simple as that. If they phone you and complain, then just tell them that your husband is your priority, and while you understand that they might need you, your husband's need is greater, and you'll be in touch soon.

One other thing which you don't appear to have any explanation for, is why you haven't visited him in the evenings, don't you have a car? Can't you drive? Don't you have someone who could take you? This whole situation seems absolutely bizarre, and that's without even mentioning your grown sons!

thaegumathteth · 09/03/2023 02:03

Ii was taken into hospital during covid times so no visitors and dh had the young kids at home anyways. He still managed to get a bag of necessities to me and call etc.

This isn't anyone else's fault but yours OP, do you have a good relationship with your husband? He must be heartbroken.

1smallhamsterfoot · 09/03/2023 02:04

Wtf kind of wife are you

Pencilsaremylife · 09/03/2023 02:05

The hospital will have a bag of basic toiletries for your husband and hopefully pyjamas or at the worst a hospital gown or at least our local hospital does, so that’s not the major problem though I’m sure he would like some clean pants. People did have to manage when in hospital in Covid times but we are not in that situation now. Does he have his phone with him if so does he have a charger, that the best bit of being in hospital these days is that you have ready contact with the outside world. I can’t believe that you would go all day without phoning the hospital to ask how he was, couldn’t you have phoned from the bathroom at work if there was no other way, surely the most draconian workplace lets people go to the toilet. As PP’s have said it’s not really about not getting to take time off it’s about not prioritising your DH even in your free time. You could have packed a bag last night taken it to work with you if necessary, phoned your DS’s to say make their own dinner and give the dog a walk and gone to the hospital from work. Our local hospital visiting is 6pm - 8pm which is perfect for after work visiting.

Lotus717 · 09/03/2023 02:18

OP,
You need to send a text/ email as soon as you wake up and say the hospital have called you. Just draft it and send it.
Say you have been undated on his condition and your husband is extremely unwell and you are needed to be with him. Tell work you will not be in for the next few days. Be polite but extremely firm. Don’t let your nerves get the better of you.
Tell your sons to sort themselves out, walk the dog etc. Then sort out a bag of things for your husband and go to the hospital first thing. Do not get in the car and drive to work tomorrow otherwise you are going to fall into the same trap of not feeling like you can get away.

SD1978 · 09/03/2023 02:22

Sorry- you're maybe unintentionally blaming everyone else for your choices. You've not told your boss how serious it is, and didn't actually request time off- you assume they should have worked it out. You've not told your (adult) kids to step up and do certain things, but might leave them a wee note.....you tell your boss you are taking a personal day, you tell the other adults in your household that they will be required to do whatever it is that is needed and you visit if that's what you want. I understand maybe you were initially shocked, but a lot of your other issues can be sorted by actually talking to the people you need to. Glad he's doing better, and hopefully it won't be a long admission!

Ponderingwindow · 09/03/2023 02:30

your husband is in the hospital with an unknown but clearly serious condition. The normal response would be to pack yourself some essentials like a charger, some snacks, some cash, and any Medication in case you end up there longer than expected, and pack his things and head to the hospital.

Call work and tell them you won’t be in for at least a day. Don’t ask. You tell them your husband had a medical emergency and you won’t be in.

Cherry35 · 09/03/2023 02:31

You need to be/care for your husband, at least get a couple of days off, it would be carer's leave. If my DH did what you did to him, it would be a dealbreaker, no excuses. You left him alone when he needed you the most.