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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to take time off work to visit my husband

224 replies

MiniTheMinx · 08/03/2023 22:08

On Tuesday I had to call an ambulance to my husband. He was delirious and his leg was turning purple. He was taken to hospital.

I didn't go with him, I discovered him at home in this state when I returned from work. The dog hadn't been out, the DC hadn't eaten. This morning I went to work......again.

Is it unreasonable to request time off?

OP posts:
Pollyputthekettleonha · 09/03/2023 07:35

This can't be real. Why don't you just visit him in the hospital straight after work? Your adult DC's can get their own meals. Tell them to walk/ feed the dog. I would be so hurt if I was your DH and reassessing the relationship.

Hesma · 09/03/2023 07:39

Oh my goodness… from your OP I thought your DC were primary aged. They are old enough to sort their own food and walk the dog. However I think you should talk the day off if you need to

Allblackeverythingalways · 09/03/2023 07:41

You don't ask for time off, you TELL them you are having time off.
You only get one shot at life and family is everything, not some shitty job where they haven't responded in a positive way.
My workplace immediately ask if I want to wfh, have the day off as emergency leave or to take holiday if I report a home emergency.
If they value you (as they seem to) they will let you sort your family emergency. If they don't, it's time to look for another job.

Allblackeverythingalways · 09/03/2023 07:43

TheBigWangTheory · 08/03/2023 23:35

You found your husband derlirious and with a limb turning purple....and you rang an ambulance and went off to cook for 2 adults and walk the fcking dog? Then as he left in an ambulance, seriously ill, you went to bed, got up and went to work as normal, and then came home and cooked and walked the dog AGAIN, with your hisband alone in hospital with nothing?

I'd divorce you. Seriously.

Also this.
I'd be so upset if I was your husband.

Cornishclio · 09/03/2023 07:47

YABU not to visit your husband. Is there a back story here in that he is not nice or something because I cannot imagine letting my DH go in on his own if he was delirious and not visiting the next day? Just tell work and stop being so passive. Your sons can pick up the slack at home as they are not children.

Cornishclio · 09/03/2023 07:53

I have read some of your other posts and you have explained a bit about why you seem so distant about your worries for your DH. I am not sure what line of work you are in but you are perfectly entitled to say that you cannot come into work as you need to go to the hospital. I have never worked for an employer who would not understand this and you can say you are not concentrating on work anyway as you are worried for your DH. Pack a bag for him and go in to visit him at the very least to find out what is wrong with him.

rubyslippers · 09/03/2023 07:54

Allblackeverythingalways · 09/03/2023 07:43

Also this.
I'd be so upset if I was your husband.

Show quote history

Agree with this
i cannot imagine in a million years doing this?
Are you in some kind of weird shock or is there a massive back story

daisychain01 · 09/03/2023 07:54

MiniTheMinx · 08/03/2023 23:03

I don't know, I think I was just on auto pilot. I just dealt with ringing an ambulance, rang 999 and then went downstairs and started cooking. Ambulance arrived just as dinner was cooked. I don't know why I didn't drop everything and go.

I agree I think DCs should take up some slack. They can feed themselves. I've just carried on as normal today, working, over time, walk dog, cook.....

I've text DH. He's being moved to a ward soon.

I don't know if it's reasonable to ask for time off. He has nothing with him.

I don't understand you spending time posting on MN when you could be focusing your priority on your DH.

And why a job you've only been in for 4 weeks where you don't even get a legal lunch break takes precedence. What loyalty do they have to you?

Please just put in a request for time off because quite frankly they can dismiss you for far less, so you might as well just do it anyway.

TiredandLate · 09/03/2023 07:55

This is all really odd. Has your husband really been in hospital since Tuesday with no clothes and no visitors because you're priorities are work, walking the dog and feeding your adult children?

BellePeppa · 09/03/2023 07:55

MySugarBabyLove · 09/03/2023 04:20

If a woman posted here that her dh had collapsed at home and all her dh did was call an ambulance and then carried on cooking the dinner for the grownups who live there she would be told to ltb.

the only one to blame for you being such a selfish shit partner is you. Hopefully this will make him realise he deserves better and he’ll ltb.

A woman did post on here saying her dh had collapsed at home?

Crazydoglady1980 · 09/03/2023 08:03

Wasywasydoodah · 09/03/2023 00:46

I wonder if you have secondary trauma? Might be worth thinking about some counselling when this crisis is over

I was wondering this, phone in sick, you have recognised that you are not functioning properly and mental health is as important as physical health.

HassleTheHoff · 09/03/2023 08:04

BellePeppa · 09/03/2023 07:55

A woman did post on here saying her dh had collapsed at home?

Show quote history

PP clearly meant if a woman posted about collapsing and that's all her dh did, they just messed up the first part of the sentence but the rest explains "all her dh did was call an ambulance and then carried on cooking the dinner for the grownups who live there she would be told to ltb."

Wellillsayitifnoonelsewill · 09/03/2023 08:11

thaegumathteth · 08/03/2023 23:18

This is bizarre. So you came home, found your dh seriously unwell, called and ambulance and then left him to cook for adults. Didn't even pack a bag for him? Didn't take him stuff in today?

If I were your dh I would be absolutely livid and so so hurt it'd be unbelievable.

I know right? Am I missing some important information? I feel like I am. Like if the man is that sick… why were the adult children not thinking “shit he’s sick we better call an ambulance?!”

FusionChefGeoff · 09/03/2023 08:12

Why are you being so passive?!?!

I'd be phoning work and telling them I'm taking the day off / rest of week off as husband was rushed into hospital.

Why do you feel so low down in the list?!

Cantbebotheredwithausername · 09/03/2023 08:17

I'm a little late to the game, I know...

OP, please take care of your family right now. Don't ask, don't request - just TELL you workplace that you need time off for a family emergency. Let them figure out if it can be considered sick leave or they need you to use your paid vacation time for it.

Your grown up children can fend for themselves. Asking them to either cook themselves a meal or order a pizza is not unreasonable if they're 18 and 22. Would be if they were 3 and 5. Asking them to walk the dog a few times is also fair. Leave them a little extra pocket money for the pizza and some chocolate to snack on while you're out.

This is not the time to pander to an unreasonable inflexible boss and two almost-grown-ups. You need to take care of yourself and your husband.

PuzzledObserver · 09/03/2023 08:17

So the manager said to tell her if the hospital asked you to go in

Think about the circumstances in which hospitals ask relatives to go in. They do it when they they think the patient might be dying. Think about what this says about your manager, that she doesn’t want to give you time off unless to say goodbye.

Nobody’s job is that important.

AngelinaFibres · 09/03/2023 08:18

Ask your employer. My DIL was in hospital last week. My son took time off as holiday.
Your children are adults. They can feed themselves and walk the dog and do whatever other domestic trivia needs doing. Go and visit your husband and get fish and chips for yourself on the way home.

Motnight · 09/03/2023 08:18

FusionChefGeoff · 09/03/2023 08:12

Why are you being so passive?!?!

I'd be phoning work and telling them I'm taking the day off / rest of week off as husband was rushed into hospital.

Why do you feel so low down in the list?!

To be fair, Op's husband is even lower down in her list.

Op you really need to think about why you have reacted in the way that you have. And apologise to your husband. This is really screwed up.

IkBenDeMol · 09/03/2023 08:25

Quite agree that the reaction is very odd. When dad was admitted mum went with him in the ambulance. By the following day when I went back she had a whole shopping list of things for me to get that she knew Dad would need - pyjamas, toothbrush, toothpaste, his favourite book etc etc.

It is deeply weird to firstly have someone in the house so seriously unwell that you need to call 999 then not sit with them to reassure/comfort them until the ambulance arrives. Then to cheerily wave the sick person off in the ambulance and no bother to phone or go to visit for more than 24 hours because of having to walk the dog. Agree that if I were the husband i'd be so hurt.

Redkettle · 09/03/2023 08:26

Are you frightened to go to the hospital OP? Xxx how is he

drpet49 · 09/03/2023 08:27

bumbledeedum · 08/03/2023 22:55

You couldn't make time to find out what's wrong with your husband all day? And you couldn't go with him in the first place because you needed to feed two fully grown adults? I think maybe you need to reassess your priorities

I agree. I feel sorry for your husband.

Original poster
MiniTheMinx · 09/03/2023 08:28

I've messaged manager and rung and left VM for on call. I'm taking today off. I haven't slept, I'm worried and I couldn't function at work anyway.

I have tried to phone but phone in A&E just rings out. Main switchboard didn't know if he'd been transferred.

I left work at 6:30 in a location not even the office, and an hour from hospital. Its a big university hospital with horrendous parking. But, that doesn't excuse it. I know.

I'm up, I'll walk dog and pack a bag and I'm going to the hospital.

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 09/03/2023 08:30

MiniTheMinx · 08/03/2023 23:13

IkBenDeMol I'm sorry to hear that. Will your dad be ok?

I'm going to leave a note in kitchen to DC to share dog duty and cook tomorrow. I don't feel its their duty though to help. It's not their dog, it's not their dad. But agreed, they should help because it's helping me. I find it very hard to ask for anything.

Even if your H isn’t their Dad surely they can help YOU?
I don’t more than they have for neighbours let alone my own Mum

MarshaMelrose · 09/03/2023 08:35

Well done, @MiniTheMinx . I hope he's feeling a bit better. It's usually positive news when they decided they can be moved onto the wards. Let us know how you went on. x

HikingforScenery · 09/03/2023 08:35

I’m so sorry you’re going through this OP.

Unfortunately, you’ve failed your husband and your sons by not training them to take on their fair share of chores at home. . I don’t think it’s too late for them to take on responsibilities at home, for them and any future partners.

You mentioned your DH was not supportive on a previous occasion? Are you subconsciously giving him a taste of his own medicine?

Family comes first. No excuses, well unless you’re saving lives, of course.

Wishing you all the best and your husband, a speedy recovery.

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