"I'm proud of you"

[isntitapip]

Can I ask you please what your thoughts are in that phrase? I'm trying to work out if my feeling are reasonable or I'm over-reacting.
How would you feel if a partner/friend said this to you after an achievement of yours?

I've said it to my kids. My Dad said it to me once. I'm ok in that situation.

A partner/bf situation it feels like an ownership comment. Am I making sense? Like they had something to do with the achievement. It just feels patronising. Is it me? I'd love other peoples' thoughts on this

Really interesting thread.

@isntitapip I have thought about this expression before too. I am proud to be one of the few who agrees with you 😀.

I think a lot of people don't really think about what it actually means and just say it without thinking. Because in our parlance it means more than being pleased for someone - despite the Collins dictionary quote above!

If you were pleased for someone you would say, oh I am so happy for you, pleased for you, whatever. But to be proud - yes I agree it's as though the speaker had something to do with it and from an equal, ie partner, can be seen as patronising.

It's really interesting to break down what the person actually means when they say it.

I agree @isntitapip
I despise that phrase as it’s really patronising. I work in a school and regularly use ‘you should be proud of yourself’ as I feel it’s more egalitarian.

I agree with the OP. My less than dh told me he was proud of me the other week for something pretty mundane and it seemed very patronising. I can't even remember what it was now but I did tell him I did not appreciate his comment. It was a bit like saying to a child 'I'm proud of you for doing your laces or not wetting the bed'!

The OED (full version) gives multiple senses for “proud”. The one it lists for phrases like “proud of someone” is as follows-

“Feeling greatly honoured, pleased, or satisfied by something which or someone who does one credit”

So there’s absolutely a sense of the person saying it feeling that their own standing is enhanced by the association. Fine for children, fine for (supportive) partners IMO, but an odd thing to say otherwise.

Did he help you swim or have some part in your swimming journey? If so I can see his pride, perhaps he helped you overcome your fears as a parent might do with their child. And parents are often proud of their children. Depends really on the situation. Lets say you finished reading War and Peace and he said he was proud of you. Then unless he was the reason you finished the book then it's a bit patronising.

FWIW I agree with you OP. It's patronising. But does very much depend on who is saying it.

It doesn't matter what you say these days, somebody is always offended

No, people have always been offended by stuff. It’s just that until more recently, people were too ‘polite’ to say anything about it and suffer in silence.

@Manthide
No, he'd tried to help for years (see my subsequent post) but I'd gone to a different instructor in the end. It was an emotional event for us, and for the kids who realised mum could join in their fun on holidays. I should have realised I was being patronised and controlled. I have now got my ducks in a row and contacted a solicitor. Thanks for the advice on interpreting my husband's secret, evil agenda.

I actually agree with this, it's patronising to me.

I agree. Find it patronising as a woman when a man says this, including my father, I'm 50 ffs.
Imo pride is something you have yourself or for your children. Well done and good job also patronising if you're over 18.
All phrases I associate with parenting, not adult life.

I adore it when my DH says it. It feels like such an acknowledgment, and I know he means it.
Not in a belittling way, but more like a “you’re an amazing woman” type of way

I find it interesting that some think it’s okay for children but not for others. Are children’s achievements not their own?

Yes you’re over reacting and looking for things to confirm beliefs you’ve already created.

My relationship with my children is different from my relationship with anyone else. I made my children. I'm not diminishing their own involvement in their successes, but I also know that the way they are is largely due to my parenting. So when i say I'm proud of my kids, I'm saying it in the context of someone being proud to have been involved in the creating of an achievement. Which is why it feels strange to be "proud" of someone you might just have been dating for a year. Their achievements are really nothing you can take credit for, which is what pride is essentially.

I always feel slightly awkward telling someone I'm proud of them. It feels a little patronising. But sometimes it is actually literally how I'm feeling - like they've done something amazing, and I'm just so proud of them and for them. I don't really know how else to express that.

I understand what you mean OP. It was jarring to me the first time my DH said it.

Like if a friend tells me she got a new job - I say - that's brilliant, congratulations! I don't say 'I'm proud of you'. Because that feels like something a parent or teacher says.

I'm sure it isn't, so when DH said it to me - I didn't say anything back but from a 'peer' it just feels ever so slightly patronising. That said I just shrug it off as I'm sure it wasn't meant that way and it's a 'me' problem, (projecting), rather than a them issue type of thing.

I’m really proud of you mumsnetters for all your replies. Really really proud. Well done. Bless. 🤮