Page 4 | "I'm proud of you"

isntitapip · 2023-03-03T14:45:21+00:00

Can I ask you please what your thoughts are in that phrase? I'm trying to work out if my feeling are reasonable or I'm over-reacting. How would you feel if a partner/friend said this to you after an achievement of yours? I've said it to my kids. My Dad said it to me once. I'm ok in that situation. A partner/bf situation it feels like an ownership comment. Am I making sense? Like they had something to do with the achievement. It just feels patronising. Is it me? I'd love other peoples' thoughts on this

Cocobutt · 03/03/2023 15:19

The phrase. I'm bloody proud. But I'd rather he said he was impressed. Same sentiment, different word.

Impressed actually makes it sound like they didn’t think you could achieve it and they were impressed that you managed to do so.

If you don’t mind that word and you think it’s the same sentiment then I can’t see how you are offended.

lazycats · 03/03/2023 15:20

CremeEggsForBreakfast · 03/03/2023 15:08

Then say "I'm proud to be your friend" or "this makes me so proud to be your husband".

I say I'm proud of things I've made or cooked or achieved. My partner or friend or whatever hasn't made me or achieved me or written me or drawn me. They have no right to be proud of me.

Show quote history

Both "I'm proud of you" and "I'm proud to be your friend" sound stiled, but the latter sounds a million times sillier.

Think some are just arguing for the sake of it now.

Cocobutt · 03/03/2023 15:20

I also don’t understand how you are on with feeling proud of yourself but your offended if someone else is proud of you.

If your parent or child said it would you feel the same?

ferneytorro · 03/03/2023 15:21

I agree, it’s infantilising. Why are you proud of me ? I assume it’s because you thought I was shit/useless and wouldn’t be able to do it?

different when it’s a child. I’m immensely proud of my daughter.

lazycats · 03/03/2023 15:22

ferneytorro · 03/03/2023 15:21

I agree, it’s infantilising. Why are you proud of me ? I assume it’s because you thought I was shit/useless and wouldn’t be able to do it?

different when it’s a child. I’m immensely proud of my daughter.

You thought your daughter would be shit/useless?

xJoy · 03/03/2023 15:22

Interesting question I think.

I think I would feel a bit discombobulated if somebody at work who was just picking things up said to me ''I'm proud of you'' to me for doing the job I know well. So there is an element of it not being their place to decide whether I've done a job well enough and/or not their place to be proud of me.

If it irks you I think there was some overstepping of boundaries somewhere. Unless you're like tom cruise, somebody said ''well done'' to him when he won some award and he made her clean the bathrooms with a toothbrush.

Swingwhenyourewinning · 03/03/2023 15:23

I said it to my husband today as he’s been to his first therapy session and I am proud of him for looking after his mental health

Dacadactyl · 03/03/2023 15:24

xJoy · 03/03/2023 15:22

Interesting question I think.

I think I would feel a bit discombobulated if somebody at work who was just picking things up said to me ''I'm proud of you'' to me for doing the job I know well. So there is an element of it not being their place to decide whether I've done a job well enough and/or not their place to be proud of me.

If it irks you I think there was some overstepping of boundaries somewhere. Unless you're like tom cruise, somebody said ''well done'' to him when he won some award and he made her clean the bathrooms with a toothbrush.

I didn't know Tom Cruise was such a prat.

Cleaning bathrooms with a toothbrush? She should have told him to stick his job up his backside.

tattygrl · 03/03/2023 15:24

I mean, it's fine for you to have your own personal reactions to things said to you. Doesn't mean you're accurate in assuming someone's intentions, but if you find it patronising and uncomfortable for a partner to say they're proud of you, that's how you feel, and there'll be a reason for that.

I used to feel the same when my ex would tell me he was proud of me. Made me feel icky. No particular logic to it, but I didn't like it. That's ok.

NotQuiteHere · 03/03/2023 15:26

If you try to make sense of what it means "to be proud of something or somebody", you will find out that this either involves some feeling of superiority or there are better words to describe your emotion than "to be proud". I would never use this phrase about anything or anyone.

inigomontoyahwillcox · 03/03/2023 15:26

My DH just said exactly that as I was offered a new job today - I certainly didn't feel like I was owned.

I kinda get what you mean - but I do think you're overthinking it.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 03/03/2023 15:26

I think it is a lovely thing to say to someone. Not something a lot of people say, but I think it is something we should all do more.

Snownose · 03/03/2023 15:26

I get you.
It sounds so proprietary.

HandlesFruit · 03/03/2023 15:27

I’m fine with a partner saying this, or another family member or a close friend. I’ve noticed however that some people say it when there’s no connection between you at all eg recently a dad at my kids’ school told me he was proud of me for a work achievement. I barely know the bloke. What does it mean when people say it like this?

SoonBeTeaTime · 03/03/2023 15:27

🤯 christ, your significant other can't say "I'm proud of you" because if they say it, it means they had something to do with the achievement??? Gosh your poor boyfriend.

It's just you. You sound hard work.

IHaveaSetOfVeryParticularSkills · 03/03/2023 15:28

Cocobutt · 03/03/2023 15:19

The phrase. I'm bloody proud. But I'd rather he said he was impressed. Same sentiment, different word.

Impressed actually makes it sound like they didn’t think you could achieve it and they were impressed that you managed to do so.

If you don’t mind that word and you think it’s the same sentiment then I can’t see how you are offended.

I agree. I sue impresssed usually in passive agressive manner when someone finally managed to do the super easy thing like reply to an email.
"Well I am impressed you managed that in a week not the usual month timescale"

5128gap · 03/03/2023 15:28

I get it. To me it's a phrase only really appropriate in relationships so close that the other person feels like 'yours' (in the nicest possible way), as in 'my daughter' 'my partner' and means I'm proud to have raised/married such a great person. It's very rare that it would feel OK in a more casual friendship.'You must be proud of that speech' or 'When you gave that speech I was proud to be your friend' seems a better way to phrase it.

gluenotsoup · 03/03/2023 15:31

Just you! It’s a supportive, encouraging, loving thing to say

LittleBoPeepHasLostHerShit · 03/03/2023 15:32

When my toxic ex, who I haven't seen for ten years, messaged me on social media in response to a recent achievement, I definitely thought "WTAF?" But I do say it to DH and he says it to me. It's like we're a team and we celebrate each other's successes. In that context, I think it makes sense.

lazycats · 03/03/2023 15:32

5128gap · 03/03/2023 15:28

I get it. To me it's a phrase only really appropriate in relationships so close that the other person feels like 'yours' (in the nicest possible way), as in 'my daughter' 'my partner' and means I'm proud to have raised/married such a great person. It's very rare that it would feel OK in a more casual friendship.'You must be proud of that speech' or 'When you gave that speech I was proud to be your friend' seems a better way to phrase it.

Presumably you disagree with the OP then, given it's apparently her partner saying it.

LittleBoPeepHasLostHerShit · 03/03/2023 15:33

I mean, the toxic ex said "well done, I'm proud of you". 🤔

AussieMozzieMagnet · 03/03/2023 15:34

Seriously? I tell my hubby I'm proud of his achievements all the time. What's up with you?

oldwhyno · 03/03/2023 15:35

When people say "I'm proud of you" to somebody other than their child, the sentiment is really more "I admire you and I'm glad I'm in a relationship with you" (or whatever). There is no intent to claim ownership of the acheivement.

It's kind of the same argument as people that say they're proud of the UK's achievements, even when they contributed absolutely sweet FA towards them. What they're saying is "I admire the UK's achievements and I'm glad I'm a Brit"!

Definitions of the word proud vary and have changed over time. Some give:

feeling deep pleasure or satisfaction as a result of one's own achievements, qualities, or possessions or those of someone with whom one is closely associated.

Basically, it's not worth getting in a spin over!

MasterBeth · 03/03/2023 15:35

LittleBoPeepHasLostHerShit · 03/03/2023 15:32

When my toxic ex, who I haven't seen for ten years, messaged me on social media in response to a recent achievement, I definitely thought "WTAF?" But I do say it to DH and he says it to me. It's like we're a team and we celebrate each other's successes. In that context, I think it makes sense.

Exactly. It's entirely appropriate if it's said by someone who's on your side.

They're not claiming your achievement, they're taking pleasure from understanding how hard you worked, what barriers you overcame, how you deserved your achievement.

I think anything else is severely over-thinking it and looking for offence where none is meant.

AussieMozzieMagnet · 03/03/2023 15:35

Snownose · 03/03/2023 15:26

I get you.
It sounds so proprietary.

Then don't bother marrying or getting involved in a relationship. You sound far too precious and unreasonable.