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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

"I'm proud of you"

218 replies

isntitapip · 03/03/2023 14:45

Can I ask you please what your thoughts are in that phrase? I'm trying to work out if my feeling are reasonable or I'm over-reacting.
How would you feel if a partner/friend said this to you after an achievement of yours?

I've said it to my kids. My Dad said it to me once. I'm ok in that situation.

A partner/bf situation it feels like an ownership comment. Am I making sense? Like they had something to do with the achievement. It just feels patronising. Is it me? I'd love other peoples' thoughts on this

OP posts:

JudgeRudy · 03/03/2023 16:28

isntitapip · 03/03/2023 14:45

I've said it to my kids. My Dad said it to me once. I'm ok in that situation.

I don't have a problem with a partner or spouse saying it but I do kind of get what you mean....so it's OK to say at the school concert "That's my son" but different to say "That's my wife "...
Personally it's not a phrase I'd use, as my own understanding/feelings of pride is that it's personal to me. I struggle to have 'pride by proxy'. Yes I'm pleased eg about my children's achievents, and it brings me happiness but I'm not sure it's pride.
What I don't like is people at work, or maybe a school teacher randomly saying "lm really proud of you" particularly for minor achievements. Why? What's it got to do with you. I feel its used inappropriately.
I guess before your Q can be answered we need to define pride. I'm pretty proud to be me but I'd struggle to relate to being proud to be British eg. I'm not ashamed to be British, I just don't feel it relates to me.

Oldnproud · 03/03/2023 16:28

To me, it depends what achievement the partner is acknowledging.
If it's some qualification or promotion that you have worked really hard for, and that wasn't a shoo-in, then I'd feel perfectly OK about it, but for lesser things I think it can sound out of place. I think it becomes demeaning if it is over used.

Cocobutt · 03/03/2023 16:29

I agree. Saying 'I am proud of you' makes the accomplishment about that person, not you.

That’s like saying that ‘I love you’ and ‘I think you are beautiful’ is making it about yourself.

Of course you should love yourself and think you are beautiful but it has a much bigger meaning coming from someone else.

You can be both proud of yourself and have others proud of you too.

CremeEggsForBreakfast · 03/03/2023 16:31

lazycats · 03/03/2023 15:20

Both "I'm proud of you" and "I'm proud to be your friend" sound stiled, but the latter sounds a million times sillier.

Think some are just arguing for the sake of it now.

Show quote history

Well, it depends on how you say it and whether you say it with affection or not 🤷🏻‍♀️

As I've said previously, I wouldn't actually tell anyone this is what I thought unless they asked. I know people say it in a caring and happy-for-me manner so I take it as they intend but to suggest you can't see my point is a little disingenuous.

Lwrenagain · 03/03/2023 16:37

Say it whenever I mean it, I think pride in your friends or family's achievements, progress, personal growth is a wonderful feeling.
It doesn't need to be huge, say I've a pal with depression and this pal has a bath and manages a clean t shirt, then that to me is a massive achievement and I'm proud of them and I'm rooting for them.
Same thing when my friends create wonderful songs or art, don't drunk dial cunty exes, they have made me proud and they'll be told. I've friends who struggle with sobriety, even if they fail to not drink, what small steps they take, early night, going cinema, whatever they do, I'm proud of them.

If I knew someone would struggle to hear it I'd try and let them know that I'm rooting for them without embarrassing them, even a crunchie and brew to just chat about their achievements, send them pictures of animals, whatever their jam, I want you to know I am proud of you.

I'm a bit more free spirited than most, I do appreciate it's not the most natural thing to tell people unless you're quite open.

Robinni · 03/03/2023 16:38

It is you. There’s nothing wrong with someone who loves you saying they are proud of you when you’ve achieved something. They’re just happy for you and proud of you being awesome… that’s all. Go and enjoy your awesomeness and supportive family members.

mattyd · 03/03/2023 16:39

I've seen it on here fairly often, a random poster telling the OP that they're proud of them, usually for leaving their abusive partner, or similar.

It looks a bit odd, as though we can be proud of someone, simply because they're another woman.

Spanielsarepainless · 03/03/2023 16:40

When my young dog and I passed a high level obedience test a few weeks ago, DH said he was proud of me. I was dead chuffed. Praise is praise!

missymousey · 03/03/2023 16:48

To me, it's the best compliment my partner can give. Kind of the ultimate in empathy, and being proud to be associated with me. So to me YABVU but everyone is different.

Benjispruce4 · 03/03/2023 16:51

You’re over thinking. It’s a nice thing to say.

lifter · 03/03/2023 16:51

The "how to talk so that kids listen book" asks you not to say "I'm proud of you" as it can make kids feel like you say it does OP. They recommend "I'm impressed by how you did X instead".

AuntieSoap · 03/03/2023 16:52

I know what you mean, OP. If I tell my DC I'm proud of them, it's like I'm taking credit for their achievements, rather than making it wholly about them. I always tell my DC when they've done something great that they can be really proud of themselves, instead of making it about me.

Also can't understand those people who claim to be 'proud to be British' or whatever. Why? What have you done to make yourself feel proud apart from being born?

Benjispruce4 · 03/03/2023 16:54

I take no credit when I tell my kids I’m proud of them. It’s the opposite in fact. I’m proud of what they have achieved independently of me.

Benjispruce4 · 03/03/2023 16:55

Feeling proud is the same as feeling impressed.

Countrybumpkinn · 03/03/2023 16:56

I will be letting it go. Not one to bring up it seems, judging by this thread

So if more people has sided your way it's something you would have maybe confronted him about? Obviously I don't know much about your relationship but unless it's in trouble this seems exceptionally petty. Please just take it for what Im sure it is...a nice compliment. Way too over thought. Unless he's generally a dick anyway, give him a break!

Newmum0322 · 03/03/2023 16:57

I say I’m proud of my DP when he’s achieved something that makes me proud. Would baffle me if he chose to be annoyed at that

twitterexile · 03/03/2023 17:05

I love it when OH or family members say this to me.

Scandimama · 03/03/2023 17:09

OP, you’re not alone! I’ve never liked that comment either and felt weird to say it to anyone except my children. But then again I think it DH said it to me, I would genuinely love it! Upon reflection, I think I feel that way because my mum is quite narcissistic and the enmeshed type who tends to invade my life and personal space and always has done, and whenever SHE has said she was proud of me it gave me an uncomfortable feeling, and I’ve let that taint my feelings for the expression.
is it possible that people who feel uncomfortable with that statement are generally people who’s right to self determination has somehow been violated in a relationship, be it parent/child, partner or work or friendship..that’s my theory, anyways.
this post has reminded me I should say im
proud of my DH and kids MORE often, I’m fact!

ididntwanttodoit · 03/03/2023 17:11

I wish I'd been told that my parents were proud of me when I was younger (or even now, actually). The most they ever said was "we knew you could do it". I didn't know myself!!! It was always such a letdown.

TheNine · 03/03/2023 17:12

Just you, my DH has said this to me maybe once and I wish he said it more

Scandimama · 03/03/2023 17:14

At the same time though, on second thought, I think can’t get over how it makes me feel. I tend to say “I was really impressed by how you..” to my kids, and I think I’ll continue doing that as I can’t get over how the “proud of” feels.

Psychonabike · 03/03/2023 17:18

@isntitapip

FWIW I completely agree with you.

Proudness is about pleasure or satisfaction in your own achievements. When you feel it for someone else it's usually because of some association with that achievement. So a parent or grandparent feeling proud of a child's achievements, is because of their parental association and contribution. I mean we can be pleased by other kids achievements, but actual pride is usually reserved for our own.

When a peer/partner tells us they are proud of us, for me anyway, it feels a bit weird, like they have some association with or contribution to the achievement. Like they have nurtured it or something. It's infantilising.

I think it's much more appropriate for a partner to admire your achievements rather than express pride.

But I get relationships function in different ways, with many different dynamics.

I wonder if there is a gender bias here -men telling women that they are proud of them might be more common than vice versa.

WilsonMilson · 03/03/2023 17:20

What the hell? If my DH said he was proud of me, I would accept it in the generous and lovely spirit he meant it in. Is there any other way to take it?

You either clearly have issues or are in a bizarre relationship. What has power got to do with anything?

ticklemepinker · 03/03/2023 17:23

Fascinating. I am 100% w you OP and I’d never say it to my kids. Interestingly tho I don’t mind if my parents say it to me (which they do, occasionally, but NEVER in the context of achievement). We

Mischance · 03/03/2023 17:24

Someone says something lovely to you and you tie yourself in knots trying to find some negative connotation - how very odd.

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