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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"I'm proud of you"

218 replies

isntitapip · 03/03/2023 14:45

Can I ask you please what your thoughts are in that phrase? I'm trying to work out if my feeling are reasonable or I'm over-reacting.
How would you feel if a partner/friend said this to you after an achievement of yours?

I've said it to my kids. My Dad said it to me once. I'm ok in that situation.

A partner/bf situation it feels like an ownership comment. Am I making sense? Like they had something to do with the achievement. It just feels patronising. Is it me? I'd love other peoples' thoughts on this

OP posts:
EllieU · 03/03/2023 14:47

Yes its just you. Someone saying they are proud of you means they are proud of you.

TheLastChance1 · 03/03/2023 14:48

I don't think a partner being proud of you is weird. I'm proud of my husband's achievements and don't think I had anything to do with them.

lazycats · 03/03/2023 14:48

It's not a phrase I'd use as it sounds like something from an American movie but yes, I think in this instance you're being ridiculously over the top.

pinkyredrose · 03/03/2023 14:48

A partner/bf situation it feels like an ownership comment. Am I making sense?

No you're not making sense. How could it possibly mean ownership? Are you looking for something to be annoyed by?

FourFour · 03/03/2023 14:49

It sounds exactly as it should. Why are you looking for issues?

Bunnyishotandcross · 03/03/2023 14:49

Personally always think it an odd thing to say to an adult..
Have tried to say it over the years when applicable to my adult dc but it feels fake!

Rumplestrumpet · 03/03/2023 14:49

No I think your approach is quite strange. My husband is proud of me and tells me so. There's no ownership. It's nice

Nimbostratus100 · 03/03/2023 14:49

I think it is an acknowledgement that you have achieved something great.

I think it is a nice thing to say

RunTowardsTheLight · 03/03/2023 14:49

I'd be happy if my DH said that to me! Is there a back story here OP?

BelindaBears · 03/03/2023 14:49

I couldn’t disagree more. It doesn’t sound remotely like ownership.

DramaLlama20 · 03/03/2023 14:50

What? You're weird. It's a lovely thing to say - if they'd said 'you make me feel so proud' would that be better?!

Dacadactyl · 03/03/2023 14:50

YAB ridiculous and unreasonable.

tempusername1234 · 03/03/2023 14:50

I've told my partner I'm proud of them and they've said the same to me. Its just a genuine thing where we think the other person has done something good and you want to tell them. I never thought for a moment it meant "and you belong to me now" or was patronising. I've even stuck notes from her that have said they're proud of me on my wardrobe as it makes me think I'm doing okay if someone like that thinks I'm good.

lazycats · 03/03/2023 14:51

My husband told me he loved me today. Was he being controlling?

Sarahcoggles · 03/03/2023 14:51

I know what you mean OP. In my opinion it's definitely something that a person in a "higher" position says to someone they've been helping or encouraging, so mainly parents/kids.

It could be OK in other situations too though. Maybe a personal trainer could say it to a client who'd started out unfit and obese, and had just completed a marathon.

If anyone aid it to me I'd feel patronised.

CraneBoysMysteries · 03/03/2023 14:51

Agree with others I think this is your issue. Can't work out why it implies ownership?

I actually said it to my DH last month after a terrible week at work leading up to a massive presentation he had to do. He was chuffed I said it as I was indeed proud

Hobbi · 03/03/2023 14:51

When I swam my first length of the swimming pool, aged 38, my husband said it was one of the proudest moments of his life. I didn't feel controlled or owned, just loved.

ConcordeOoter · 03/03/2023 14:52

isntitapip · 03/03/2023 14:45

Can I ask you please what your thoughts are in that phrase? I'm trying to work out if my feeling are reasonable or I'm over-reacting.
How would you feel if a partner/friend said this to you after an achievement of yours?

I've said it to my kids. My Dad said it to me once. I'm ok in that situation.

A partner/bf situation it feels like an ownership comment. Am I making sense? Like they had something to do with the achievement. It just feels patronising. Is it me? I'd love other peoples' thoughts on this

It's definitely just you.

Warm positive things like this coming from your own team, your support, someone invested in your success, should not sound like something you need to turn on them for. If there is nothing wrong with their behaviour towards you generally (that's important) and it still feels negative, you need to examine whether you are bringing a toxic attitude to the relationship.

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 03/03/2023 14:52

Think you're being unreasonable here. Being proud of someone isn't an ownership thing, it's a way of saying "I love you and as a result it makes me very happy to see you achieve this thing / get over this hurdle. Your happiness is making me happy"

Why would that ever be a bad thing?

HarlanPepper · 03/03/2023 14:52

I have said this to a friend. I didn't mean that I claimed credit for her achievement but I do know what you mean, it could sound like that. What I really meant was something more celebratory of who she is and what she achieved. Maybe clumsily expressed!

tempusername1234 · 03/03/2023 14:53

lazycats · 03/03/2023 14:51

My husband told me he loved me today. Was he being controlling?

@lazycats this is MumsNet, you should have got immediately suspicious that he was having an affair and guiltily covering it up! Come on where's your woman's intuition! 😀

But your post made me laugh, thanks.

Logburnerperils · 03/03/2023 14:54

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CremeEggsForBreakfast · 03/03/2023 14:54

I agree (though I wouldn't actually complain about it to the person saying it).

Like, it's your achievement. Why does anyone have the right to be proud of you? You didn't do it for them, you don't belong to them, you don't represent them, and they didn't play a critical role in the task at all. It's also making your accomplishment about them and how they feel.

I try to say "you can be so proud of yourself" or ask how they feel about what they've done and then join in with "I'm so glad you've done well" or "I'm so pleased for you" or similar.

PotKettel · 03/03/2023 14:54

I told my dh I was proud of him just yesterday. He has done something well outside his comfort zone and I know he found it really hard, I admire him so much for just getting on with it and not making a fuss when things got difficult.

It’s not about ownership for me… it’s about recognition, and a glowing happy feeling by association with someone who has succeeded at something. In my DH case, the thing he has done is something I couldn’t achieve in a million years, I didn’t contribute to. I just him to know how much I appreciate and notice his effort.

im not sure if there’s a better word for it than pride… it sure feels like pride… “my dh did this amazing thing, I’m just bursting with pride about it” is exactly how it feels.

Picklypickles · 03/03/2023 14:54

It's not just you, I've always really struggled to accept compliments and feel awkward/patronised when most people say they are proud of me. I don't mind my dad saying it to me, I guess because I know that my dad is always genuine in what he says.