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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"I'm proud of you"

218 replies

isntitapip · 03/03/2023 14:45

Can I ask you please what your thoughts are in that phrase? I'm trying to work out if my feeling are reasonable or I'm over-reacting.
How would you feel if a partner/friend said this to you after an achievement of yours?

I've said it to my kids. My Dad said it to me once. I'm ok in that situation.

A partner/bf situation it feels like an ownership comment. Am I making sense? Like they had something to do with the achievement. It just feels patronising. Is it me? I'd love other peoples' thoughts on this

OP posts:
Nedmund · 03/03/2023 17:26

'I'm proud of you', 'I love you', 'I think you're fantastic/amazing/wonderful', 'thank you'.

The above are all things we should hear in nurturing, strong and secure relationships whether in a romantic relationship or parent/child relationship.

IcedPurple · 03/03/2023 17:30

I don't think it's bad if a partner or close friend says it.

However, I find the contemporary, rather American habit of people saying they're 'so proud' of complete strangers to be annoying. To me it would be much more appropriate to say that you really admire them. Not sure how you can be 'proud' of people you've never met, and achievements you've had absolutely no influence on.

Hadjab · 03/03/2023 17:34

isntitapip · 03/03/2023 15:16

The phrase. I'm bloody proud. But I'd rather he said he was impressed. Same sentiment, different word.

I will be letting it go. Not one to bring up it seems, judging by this thread

Show quote history

See, "I'm impressed," sounds patronising to me, as if there was no possible way I'd ever achieve the thing that I have achieved.

Original poster
isntitapip · 03/03/2023 17:39

Psychonabike · 03/03/2023 17:18

@isntitapip

FWIW I completely agree with you.

Proudness is about pleasure or satisfaction in your own achievements. When you feel it for someone else it's usually because of some association with that achievement. So a parent or grandparent feeling proud of a child's achievements, is because of their parental association and contribution. I mean we can be pleased by other kids achievements, but actual pride is usually reserved for our own.

When a peer/partner tells us they are proud of us, for me anyway, it feels a bit weird, like they have some association with or contribution to the achievement. Like they have nurtured it or something. It's infantilising.

I think it's much more appropriate for a partner to admire your achievements rather than express pride.

But I get relationships function in different ways, with many different dynamics.

I wonder if there is a gender bias here -men telling women that they are proud of them might be more common than vice versa.

This is it, just said much better than I did.

I take on board all the comments where people are saying I'm looking for something to be annoyed at, it's meant kindly etc. there are other little niggles going on that I don't like. I guess if this was a comment on its own it wouldn't be a big deal and I'd take it in the spirit it's intended. But other things have made me question how he really sees me, I guess this is just another thing, it's been going round my head all day - trying to work out why it's irritated me at I much.

OP posts:
Benjispruce4 · 03/03/2023 17:43

No it’s not. Look up the dictionary definition.

Watchkeys · 03/03/2023 17:53

But other things have made me question how he really sees me

Is he patronising generally, OP?

Psychonabike · 03/03/2023 18:39

@Benjispruce4

If that comment was aimed at me, I don't think that my understanding is actually far off the definition:

feeling deep pleasure or satisfaction as a result of one's own achievements, qualities, or possessions or those of someone with whom one is closely associated.
"a proud grandma of three boys"

I guess it comes down to your interpretation of the association. It doesn't feel right for me in a relationship of peers/equals, and clearly doesn't for the OP either.

But language isn't as rigid as dictionary definitions, it changes all the time and different interpretations, varying custom and practice will always exist.

IncompleteSenten · 03/03/2023 18:40

It's a lovely and supportive thing to say.

Watchkeys · 03/03/2023 18:45

Benjispruce4 · 03/03/2023 17:43

No it’s not. Look up the dictionary definition.

This isn't how language works.

SchoolTripDrama · 03/03/2023 20:37

It honestly, genuinely sounds like you're searching for something to be offended by and I'm being serious.

picklemewalnuts · 03/03/2023 21:46

I think there's been a change of meaning.
Proud used to be about who you are, not how you think about someone else.

So you could have house pride, or personal pride.
Saying you are proud of someone used to imply they'd succeeded because of your input. 'My kids are my greatest achievement' type thing.

My kids are indeed awesome, and I did majorly contribute to that, so I'm happy to say I'm proud of them! There aren't many other situations I'd feel able to use it though! Maybe a pupil I'd taught?

LuckyThatMyBreastsAreSmallAndHumble · 03/03/2023 21:49

It's a nice thing to say!
It means they are impressed by you and pleased for you. In our house anyway 🤷🏻‍♀️

KickHimInTheCrotch · 03/03/2023 22:00

It's not just you. It's hard to explain but I agree that it suggests they feel some sense of contributing to that achievement. I'm proud of my kids but I would not say it to someone else. To me it makes sense in the way of a teacher being proud of their students or a team being proud of one of their members for achieving something linked to the team.

Alana1983 · 03/03/2023 22:00

I tell people I'm proud of them all the time. Particularly my children but also my partner - often - and friends, new and old. I've also said it to colleagues.

im the kind of person who likes to hear when people think I've done a good job so therefore I dish out compliments. I also tell people often that I love their outfit etc as I like clothes and feel it's an expression of ones personality so when someone stands out, I love it. I think you go, girl. Or boy.

I saw an older woman recently. I felt like she belonged on the cover of vogue. But it was randomly on the local market but she was wearing dolly shoes and red tights, bright red and then a black and white gingham coat and the most fabulous bright red beret and really oversized black plastic framed glasses. Her hair was in a perfect short straight white bob, cut just a below her ears and she had a ruler straight fringe. My gosh she was fabulous. I felt proud of her and I didn't even know her. But I did stop her and say 'you look amazing, your outfit is fabulous, you're killing it' and she said 'thank you darling!'

Anyway I diversify. Yes yabu 😂

MissTrip82 · 03/03/2023 22:02

In that context it mean ‘I’m proud to know you’

That’s how we use it anyway.

I like hearing it. I had parents who didn’t believe in saying it and I really enjoy hearing it as an adult. If you don’t that’s ok, you can agree on other phrases to use.

picklemewalnuts · 03/03/2023 22:06

I'm sure it's a change of usage. I wonder if those of us who agree with OP all read the classics?! My vocabulary can be a tad archaic at times.

Psychonabike · 03/03/2023 22:57

@picklemewalnuts I'm sure you are right!

ConcordeOoter · 04/03/2023 01:20

Prokupatuscrakedatus · 03/03/2023 15:36

Tell him, then he stops saying it, then he starts to second guess what he is saying, then he stops altogether
The you come here and moan that he never says anything nice about you.

Applicable to all people in these situations

Yep.

I might say if I was bursting with happiness at the achievements of OH and if they took it as somehow evil intent I'd feel kind of pissed on. Like you'd be a massive idiot for being really invested iin someone who saw you that way.

Companyofwolves · 04/03/2023 01:39

I see what you mean OP. At its most extreme it’s kind of narc like when they can’t compliment someone because they can’t bear not to be the amazing one.

But - unless he’s smug & always trying to take credit where it’s not due & generally is supportive of your achievements OP, I’d say he is just pleased for you (if ever so patronisingly!)

ShippingNews · 04/03/2023 01:45

Collins dictionary -I f you feel proud, you feel pleased about something good that you possess or have done, or about something good that a person close to you has done

It's not just about you .

sciencedoesntlie · 04/03/2023 01:47

Fine from a parent but I'd find it patronising from a partner

Mumskisail · 04/03/2023 02:14

It's a lovely thing for a partner to say. I don't get the issue

Emptycrackedcup · 04/03/2023 02:57

YABU, it means what it says. They are proud of you, it's a compliment

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 04/03/2023 10:51

My husband told me just a few days ago, how proud he was of me because of my achievements in my job. I told him I was proud of him when he got promoted.

My friend hugged and cried with me and said she was so proud of me when I passed my 3rd degree black belt.

Neither of these people own me, nor I them. I felt delighted that they could see the effort I had put in, and the outcome of that effort and were proud of me for the work I put in and what I achieved.

But then, I love these people.

Watchkeys · 04/03/2023 11:02

There's a lot of PPs here saying you're being unreasonable, but I suspect that many would say 'Your feelings are always valid' on other threads.

It's our responses that are unreasonable, not our feelings. If you feel like your partner is being patronising, and you don't like that feeling or thing it's strange, have a look into where it comes from. Feelings happen for reasons. They don't just happen for nothing. Explore the feeling.

If your response to the feeling is to poke him firmly in the eye or to insult him or to cut his clothes up, then yes, you are being unreasonable. Not to have the feeling, but to behave as you are in response to the feeling.

Feelings are not unreasonable. They are not meant to adhere to reason in the first place. There are no boundaries for feelings.

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