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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"I'm proud of you"

218 replies

isntitapip · 03/03/2023 14:45

Can I ask you please what your thoughts are in that phrase? I'm trying to work out if my feeling are reasonable or I'm over-reacting.
How would you feel if a partner/friend said this to you after an achievement of yours?

I've said it to my kids. My Dad said it to me once. I'm ok in that situation.

A partner/bf situation it feels like an ownership comment. Am I making sense? Like they had something to do with the achievement. It just feels patronising. Is it me? I'd love other peoples' thoughts on this

OP posts:
Logburnerperils · 03/03/2023 14:54

See above

Yarboosucks · 03/03/2023 14:54

When I resigned from an awful job, my DH said he was proud of me for standing up for myself.

When I got the mega-job of my dreams, on 4x the salary of toxic job and 2x my DH salary, he said he was proud of me

When he wrote a winning proposal, I told him I was proud of him.

When he intervened to help a person in terrible trouble, I told him I was proud of him.

That is not patronising! How could paying recognition be anything but good?

Sarahcoggles · 03/03/2023 14:55

I'm surprised that most people don't see that it can be patronising. I would hate it if DP said he was proud of me. It would imply that I'd been a bit crap at something that he was good at, and now I'd managed to achieve it, I was worthy of his pride. Makes me cringe a bit.

Garrie · 03/03/2023 14:55

uABVU

Itsmyturnnow1 · 03/03/2023 14:55

How is it about ownership? It’s a compliment!

lazycats · 03/03/2023 14:55

Like, it's your achievement. Why does anyone have the right to be proud of you?

They're proud to be associated with you. There's no "I was the one who did this" implied.

LikeAStar1994 · 03/03/2023 14:56

Overreacting as usual.

I swear people are just looking to be offended.

And it's always women

Newyeardietstartstomorrow · 03/03/2023 14:57

I think in a partner or husband it's that they are proud to be standing next to you.

PotKettel · 03/03/2023 14:57

Sarahcoggles · 03/03/2023 14:55

I'm surprised that most people don't see that it can be patronising. I would hate it if DP said he was proud of me. It would imply that I'd been a bit crap at something that he was good at, and now I'd managed to achieve it, I was worthy of his pride. Makes me cringe a bit.

I don’t think it implies that. My dd does a difficult sport that I can’t do at all. I say I’m proud of her, it’s another way of saying I admire her talent and effort.

Thepeopleversuswork · 03/03/2023 14:58

I think its fine and I'm a raging feminist and normally hypersensitive to anything which feels like ownership/control/mansplaining.

Bit naff, maybe, but not a red flag.

butterfliedtwo · 03/03/2023 14:58

It's a nice thing to say. You're being weird. But hey, tell him to never say anything like that again. Job done.

tempusername1234 · 03/03/2023 14:58

If it helps, I'm a bloke and the last time my wife said she was proud of me was for doing some DIY (fitting a cat flap). She knows I get anxious when doing this sort of thing in case I do something wrong, so I really appreciated it. It was nice to feel she thought I'd done good.

...lucky she didn't see the screw I couldn't quite get in right...

IHaveaSetOfVeryParticularSkills · 03/03/2023 14:58

Of course it's ok from a prtner. We say it all the time when one of us achieves something good.
But we generally cheerlead each other a lot.

I am starting to understand that hated phrase of "can't say anything nowadays"

Annoyingwurringnoise · 03/03/2023 14:58

Why is it wrong to say that you’re proud of somebody you care about?

Bobshhh · 03/03/2023 14:58

I told my husband I was so proud of him for cycling to work with a blazing hangover the other day.

I now own him.

Original poster
isntitapip · 03/03/2023 14:59

Sarahcoggles · 03/03/2023 14:55

I'm surprised that most people don't see that it can be patronising. I would hate it if DP said he was proud of me. It would imply that I'd been a bit crap at something that he was good at, and now I'd managed to achieve it, I was worthy of his pride. Makes me cringe a bit.

Kind of this, yes.
Although I'm surprised at how unreasonable I seem to be, I'm not surprised I have issues and yes to the people who asked if I'm looking for issues, I think I might be. That was what I was trying to unpack in my head.

I don't feel that way about "I love you", that's totally fine in my head. "I'm proud of you" feels different

OP posts:
tempusername1234 · 03/03/2023 14:59

Bobshhh · 03/03/2023 14:58

I told my husband I was so proud of him for cycling to work with a blazing hangover the other day.

I now own him.

Thanks! I nearly splurted coffee over my computer. I'm still chuckling. I've got tears! 😂

MirabelMax · 03/03/2023 14:59

I don't get what the problem is at all. I've told my dh I'm proud of him and vice versa. Not in a remotely patronising way.

Sarahcoggles · 03/03/2023 14:59

I would never show it irritated me, but it would.
To me it feels like they didn't think you could do it, and now that you have, they're proud.

Funnily enough my kids say the same. When I've said I'm proud of them, they say things like "you didn't think I could do it, did you?". I've never ever suggested they'd fail. It's just their interpretation of me saying I'm proud.

Prestissimo · 03/03/2023 15:00

I remember when I had our first child and we went to the (awful) postnatal meet-up thing with NCT. One of the other dads did a little speech about how proud he had been of his partner and how great she was giving birth. I felt quite sad that my husband hadn't said that to me and asked him about it later. (At the time it fed into my own disappointment about having a long labour followed by a Caesarian and somehow having 'failed'.) He said it hadn't occurred to him to feel proud as I was my own person and it was nothing to do with him. He wasn't disappointed in me either - it just was what it was.

I'd never thought of pride in another (equal? same status? Hope you know what I mean) adult being patronising or anything before then but that was obviously how he felt, and so I guess he feels the same as you OP. I'm in the other camp, but I do now think twice before expressing it to people.

pastaandpesto · 03/03/2023 15:00

I get where you are coming from OP.

For the DC, I always try to phrase it as "You should be really proud of yourself". I don't want them to grow up placing more importance on what other people think than on their own sense of achievement.

I was over praised as a child and it took me a long time to train myself out of chronic people pleasing!

lazycats · 03/03/2023 15:01

I would never show it irritated me, but it would.
To me it feels like they didn't think you could do it, and now that you have, they're proud.

That's perversely cyncial. I would take it as 'you did a a great accomplishment, well done.'

Original poster
isntitapip · 03/03/2023 15:02

LikeAStar1994 · 03/03/2023 14:56

Overreacting as usual.

I swear people are just looking to be offended.

And it's always women

Bit harsh. I'm asking a question to try and work out what's going on in my head.
I appreciate everyone's honesty, it's helpful. Thank you.

OP posts:
ItsNotReallyChaos · 03/03/2023 15:02

I kind of get this. It feels more like something you'd say to a child or say to someone you have supported through something.

If my best friend from childhood or my parent says it it feels ok but anyone less familiar than that is weird and somehow suggests either a lack of mutual respect or that someone thought I wasn't capable of doing the thing.

Sarahcoggles · 03/03/2023 15:03

Prestissimo · 03/03/2023 15:00

I remember when I had our first child and we went to the (awful) postnatal meet-up thing with NCT. One of the other dads did a little speech about how proud he had been of his partner and how great she was giving birth. I felt quite sad that my husband hadn't said that to me and asked him about it later. (At the time it fed into my own disappointment about having a long labour followed by a Caesarian and somehow having 'failed'.) He said it hadn't occurred to him to feel proud as I was my own person and it was nothing to do with him. He wasn't disappointed in me either - it just was what it was.

I'd never thought of pride in another (equal? same status? Hope you know what I mean) adult being patronising or anything before then but that was obviously how he felt, and so I guess he feels the same as you OP. I'm in the other camp, but I do now think twice before expressing it to people.

If I heard a husband giving a speech about how proud he was of his wife giving birth, I think I'd die of embarrassment

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