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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"I'm proud of you"

218 replies

isntitapip · 03/03/2023 14:45

Can I ask you please what your thoughts are in that phrase? I'm trying to work out if my feeling are reasonable or I'm over-reacting.
How would you feel if a partner/friend said this to you after an achievement of yours?

I've said it to my kids. My Dad said it to me once. I'm ok in that situation.

A partner/bf situation it feels like an ownership comment. Am I making sense? Like they had something to do with the achievement. It just feels patronising. Is it me? I'd love other peoples' thoughts on this

OP posts:
PumpkinPastiez · 03/03/2023 15:36

Maybe you'd be happier alone where no one could 'own you' by being proud. Maybe get a cat

Prokupatuscrakedatus · 03/03/2023 15:36

Tell him, then he stops saying it, then he starts to second guess what he is saying, then he stops altogether
The you come here and moan that he never says anything nice about you.

Applicable to all people in these situations

ferneytorro · 03/03/2023 15:37

lazycats · 03/03/2023 15:22

You thought your daughter would be shit/useless?

Show quote history

Eh ? No if an adult (husband or other adult) said it to me (an adult) I’d find it infantilising and insulting and insinuating they thought I was incapable of the thing they were saying they were proud of me for and they were surprised I had succeeded.

im saying that this is not the case with saying it to children and I’m proud of my daughter and tell her so.

i find the adult celebration of their own and others mediocrity very hard to understand.

ive got issues though, I know that’s not normal!!!

Somanycats · 03/03/2023 15:37

ferneytorro · 03/03/2023 15:21

I agree, it’s infantilising. Why are you proud of me ? I assume it’s because you thought I was shit/useless and wouldn’t be able to do it?

different when it’s a child. I’m immensely proud of my daughter.

Well by your own reckoning you actually think she is shit useless and not able to achieve stuff. It's the same phrase. It means the same for an adult or a child. The meaning I attribute it is well done/go you/ great job/you did it! But you have I different interpretation.o

blackpearwhitelilies · 03/03/2023 15:39

Hobbi · 03/03/2023 14:51

When I swam my first length of the swimming pool, aged 38, my husband said it was one of the proudest moments of his life. I didn't feel controlled or owned, just loved.

How lovely!

lazycats · 03/03/2023 15:41

Eh ? No if an adult (husband or other adult) said it to me (an adult) I’d find it infantilising and insulting and insinuating they thought I was incapable of the thing they were saying they were proud of me for and they were surprised I had succeeded.

I'm just taking your point to its logical conclusion. Obviously I don't think you think your daughter's useless, just like there's no reason to think an adult using the phrase to another relative/partner means they think they're useless.

It's not a 'celebration of mediocrity', just a (IMO slightly saccharine) way of saying 'well done'.

tempusername1234 · 03/03/2023 15:42

PumpkinPastiez · 03/03/2023 15:36

Maybe you'd be happier alone where no one could 'own you' by being proud. Maybe get a cat

As someone with cats, I'd advise against this. The little furballs definitely "own" me and I am so their servant.

If any creature could say "I'm proud of you" in a truly mocking manner, its a cat 😀

callmeblondee · 03/03/2023 15:43

I think if you bristle at someone you love saying that to you then there are deeper issues at play and you prob need to not be with them! I have had friends say it to me that I have felt werent really being that genuine and it made me feel uncomfy as I felt like they were patronising me, knew I had to not be mates with them anymore. Someone I love dearly recently said it to me and I was glowing from their words.

Original poster
isntitapip · 03/03/2023 15:45

callmeblondee · 03/03/2023 15:43

I think if you bristle at someone you love saying that to you then there are deeper issues at play and you prob need to not be with them! I have had friends say it to me that I have felt werent really being that genuine and it made me feel uncomfy as I felt like they were patronising me, knew I had to not be mates with them anymore. Someone I love dearly recently said it to me and I was glowing from their words.

I think you make a very good point there

OP posts:
SaltedButty · 03/03/2023 15:47

Jesus fucking wept, this is depressing.

Honestly I think some people are desperate to find faults or be a victim

Chocolatecoinsba · 03/03/2023 15:49

It’s a normal thing to be proud of the achievement of someone you love - a good relationship should be nurturing and encouraging .. if it’s not or it feels off then is there more to it OP

5128gap · 03/03/2023 15:49

lazycats · 03/03/2023 15:32

Presumably you disagree with the OP then, given it's apparently her partner saying it.

Show quote history

Good point! Somehow I managed to focus in on the friend part and missed she wrote partner/friend.

TwinsAndTiramisu · 03/03/2023 15:50

I think because it's most commonly used by an adult to to a child, typically a parent to a child, it becomes maybe a little subconsciously "childlike" praise.

DH will say, "I'm so proud you are my wife" which I think is nice. I can't quite put into words why, but I'd be a bit off with "I'm so proud of you" instead. Like I'd then expect a "Give me a hi-five buddy!" and "Now give Daddy a big hug!"

Maybe because we use it a lot with DC for little achievements and encouragement, it might feel a bit patronising, adult to adult, but just because it's that exact phrase.

Snownose · 03/03/2023 15:50

AussieMozzieMagnet · 03/03/2023 15:35

Then don't bother marrying or getting involved in a relationship. You sound far too precious and unreasonable.

Show quote history

Says the person dishing out the insults 🙄
I am married, in a very happy relationship and have been for 34 years 😁

80s · 03/03/2023 15:52

I know what you mean, OP. I think "proud" means different things in different contexts. Yes, if my partner wins a prize and I feel proud, perhaps there is some element of "look what an amazing boyfriend I've managed to get myself"?
But I have to say that when my bf acts proud to be with me, it's nice.

WorryMcGee · 03/03/2023 15:52

I finished chemo yesterday and loads of people told me they were proud of me. I don’t think any of them were wanting to be part of that particular “achievement” and I didn’t feel like any of them were trying to own me or patronise me 😬 I took it how it was meant, I’ve been through hell and my DH, family and friends think I’ve done a good job of getting through it. I don’t think I have but I’m glad they do!

FrangipaniBlue · 03/03/2023 15:54

I had one of the greatest achievements of my life last year....... if DH hadn't told me he was proud of me I'd have been slightly pissed off 😂

phoenixrosehere · 03/03/2023 15:54

Cocobutt · 03/03/2023 15:19

The phrase. I'm bloody proud. But I'd rather he said he was impressed. Same sentiment, different word.

Impressed actually makes it sound like they didn’t think you could achieve it and they were impressed that you managed to do so.

If you don’t mind that word and you think it’s the same sentiment then I can’t see how you are offended.

Impressed actually makes it sound like they didn’t think you could achieve it and they were impressed that you managed to do so.

Agree. That would make me question someone on what they meant.

Someone saying “I’m proud of you” doesn’t factor to me as someone taking credit or ownership for my accomplishment. I don’t understand why it would be seen that way unless the person was asked to elaborate and they made it about themselves.

Topseyt123 · 03/03/2023 15:54

You're being daft. It's a compliment. My DD told me she was proud of me a while back. She is 20. Was she trying to own me or control me? 🤣🤣🤣🤣 Should I have been suspicious of her motives? 🤣🤣

Zanatdy · 03/03/2023 15:55

My bf has said it a few times. No issue and I’ve never have thought it was an ownership thing, my friends will say it occasionally, as do I to them

Galadriel90 · 03/03/2023 15:58

The one thing mumsnet has reliably taught me is there are always people (I say people, really I mean women) who will turn any compliment into a negative. See any thread about the expression 'you look well' for further evidence of this.

WagnersFourthSymphony · 03/03/2023 15:58

Is it more to do with the actual words than the usual sense behind them which is that people are pleased for something you've achieved? So if someone said 'I'm really pleased for you' or 'I bet you're feeling proud of yourself' it wouldn't feel so weird?

But saying 'I'm proud of you' might feel condescending or even a tad proprietorial, like taking some of the credit or ownership of your achievement, if you take it too literally.

Maybe look on it more as them saying they are proud to feel associated with you?

There are lots of expressions we use casually which feel strange when you look at them too hard.

fandangodango · 03/03/2023 15:59

My husband and his whole family say this phrase a lot. I found it weird and a bit cringe at first as it was never something my parents said to me (I knew they were proud of me, but they never expressed it in those terms). But it’s a totally normal thing. Just not something that not everybody says. I’m used to it now and am fine with it.

Hobbi · 03/03/2023 15:59

@blackpearwhitelilies

And he'd tried to teach me without success for 15 years. It wasn't until I booked lessons with a (maybe handsome) instructor that I managed it, so he couldn't have been vicariously claiming credit 😂.

creekingmillenial · 03/03/2023 16:00

My DH and I tell each other we are proud of each other. I don’t see it as ownership related.

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