Becoming a dad at 51

[50yearold]

I've a lovely 5 year old daughter with my wife. We had fertility issues, down to me as I was on a mediciation that effected my sperm count and wife's age, we met when we were young, I was 29, she was 24, but thought we had loads of time for kids , so enjoyed lots of travel, building our careers, etc, and didn't start trying until she was in her late 30's.

We continued trying for years before we started IVF, we had our perfect girl, but at a later age than most. I was 45, wife was 41.

Now 5 years on, we are considering another child. We always thought we'd settle at one child, but we've talked about and love to add to our family.

Wife is reaching an age which the clinic are saying 'now or never' 46, if we wish to try again, we would have to go straight to double donation, which both of us have no problem at all, rather that than try with a 1% chance using wife's eggs and ICSI with my sperm. We'd love the baby the same.

My only worry is my age, I'm 50 already, would be 51 if the treatment works and the new baby is born, wife would be 47.

On the one hand, I'll leave those kids without a dad probably by the time their in their 30's, 40's. On the other hand at least they would have each other.

Some friends tell me 50+ is too old , others who say go for it.

We've got a lot of savings and big pension, from being childless for so long ( we would hate the idea of kids having to care for us in old age, so have really made provisions for this) .

I love being a dad , but can't help feeling I'm being selfish.

AIBU to want another child at 50+. ?

I was 45 OH 50 when our third arrived. After getting over the shock we just got on with it. He's 21 now out of university settled in a job with a lovely girl. With age comes wisdom and more money than we had as young parents with our first two. That does smooth the path.

You'll be fine.

Me and my partner who we share a 22 year age gap are about to have our second child together - he is nearly 55 yet he is fitter and more fertile then men half his age. My own dad had me in his late forties and he is now in his eighties ! Age is just a number I think you should go for it. I'd of hated to be an only child.

I might be biased as I had both of mine late but I don't think you or your wife are too old especially if you are using donor eggs.

There are disadvantages to being an older parent (especially when your kids are older, I guess) and I do wish I'd had them younger but that's just not how it worked out. If the choice is between being an older parent and not having children (or even not having my second one) then I'd choose being an older parent. Just try and keep as fit and healthy as possible.

Best of luck to you and your wife. Hope it all works out well.

I think you are both a bit old -sorry. My DF was 45 when I was born but my DM was 10 years younger.
I have a similar age gap and, as they get older, it gets harder.For example, I'm sure as your DD becomes a teen there will be all sorts of adventure to share with her and this is more challenging with a younger sprog in tow. This is not even considering the fact that your younger child may not be as straightforward as your DD.

Yeah far too old. Best not to for their sake

DH and I have a similar age gap to yourselves, also met in our 20's and didn't start TTC till early 30's once married. We TTC 13yrs, 3 losses, rounds of IVF and no children, despite no cause for sub-fertility being found.

Its a personal thing OP and only the 2 of you can decide what is right for you. If I'd been fortunate enough to have a living child, I'd be very grateful for that. I don't though, so can't say. I'm almost 45 and we decided against going down the donor egg route- something only mentioned for the very first time a few months ago! Best of luck whatever you decide.

I think you should learn to be content with what you have already.

There are so many things that could go very wrong and upturn what sounds like a wonderfully happy, fortunate family.

Just my opinion.

Particularly with parents that will be older when your kid is 30, would be nice to have a sibling.

I feel sorry for only children generally

If you want another child then go for it! Good luck OP :)

Personally I would have an ethical problem with deliberately having a child at that age AND doing it with eggs and sperm bought from someone else. These are really issues for you and your wife to decide though, everyone will have their own take on it.

No, too old. You will be 60 when your child is 9. Not fair.

Thanks for everyone's replies. Lots of different opinions.

I think the poster who said child would be 9, when I'm 60, this is what scares me, but then I think of my daughter now, with no-one when we're gone!

What if this potential child were born with very significant disabilities, which at your ages is a much greater possibility. This would impact your existing child significantly. Sorry, not wanting to be negative, but it's something, I feel, you really need to consider. It's very easy for other people to just say "Go for it!" when the possible consequences wouldn't affect them.

You'll hear answers going both ways on here. What really matters though is what YOU want and feel comfortable with.

Personally I think you're skirting the edge but not quite too old yet. Life expectancy in the UK is 80, which means your child would be around 30 when you die. They will be old enough to manage life as an independant adult. (not to mention plenty of people lose their parents young for many different reasons).

And your daughter might find it beneficial to have a sibling, especially if there aren't a lot of aunts/uncles/cousins they're close to.

Obviously as an older parent there are things you will find harder to do - you will have less energy to do physical things. But you are comfortable financially so you will be able to afford help when you need it, and your child won't miss out.

If you were any older I'd say no, but you still have time. So if this was my choice I'd do it. And I'd have a clear time limit that if it doesn't work within one year I'd give up on the idea.

But it's not my choice, it's yours. And your wife's. I think you need to sit down, write down what you truly want to do, and give each other the paper - this way there is no temptation or pressure to say what you think the other wants to hear.

Another thing that might help is to think long and hard about the reasons why you hesitate.

• Are you worried about what other people will think ? (and do you really want to let that shape your decision ?)
• Are you worried about the child losing their parents young ? (many people lose their parents young for many reasons).
• Are you worried about your energy levels ? (sounds like you can afford help so you can dedicate what energy you do have to your kids - I expect that won't leave you worse off than a young parent rushed off their feet by minimum wage work, housework, extra hours to try and make ends meet, etc)

Close your eyes and imagine your Christmas dinner ten or twenty years from now. Who's at the table ?

I think you already know what you want to do, you just need to reassure yourself that it's the right decision.

We have. Wife's a 46 year old, and my sperm count low and aged 50, that's why consultant suggests double donation of donor egg and sperm ( from donors in their 20's)

Yeah if you're serious about having a second when you're over 40 and have struggled to conceive you don't leave it 5 years. I think neither of you want a second, it's the departing fertility hormones messing with your head

Thanks for taking the time @Jadviga brilliant post, really really helpful.

Thank you.

Having a sibling doesn’t mean you will have someone around once your parents have died. My DB walked away from my family many years ago. Didn’t reappear when DF died. DM is elderly now and he hasn’t been around to help with her care.

If you are going for double donation there won’t be a blood link between the siblings, so maybe very different (nature v nurture)

Thanks @CC4712

The exhausting rounds of IVF, we did so many cycles, spent a fortune, I wasn't ready to think about donor eggs and sperm at that stage and to be honest, we were both exhausted of fertility treatment. Its impossible to describe if one hasn't gone through it. I think if we didn't get lucky, and the bottom line for all the expensive treatment and methods, it boils down to luck, we would have stopped 5 years ago. My poor wife, she was at breaking point.

As an IVF 'veteran' I completely understand why you would say enough, and not want the donor route too. Best of luck to you too and thanks for your advice.

6 years is a big gap between kids. (I know I have that gap). I don't regret it but be aware it means an amount of tag-team parenting. That can be a bit lonely: you want to do things as a family but the number of things you can do are limited by the gap.

It means one of you will be taking the 5 year old to a kids party while the other one is taking the other one to their sporting fixture. If you take your kids swimming one of you will have to look after the little one while the other one messes around with the older one. One of you will be sitting on the floor playing Duplo while the other one plays Monopoly. One parent will be playing tennis in the park while the other pushes on the swings. You'll have to work hard to find a film everyone likes or a holiday that suits them both.

So, take into account you will be limiting what your child will do by having a sibling much younger than them. 5-12 are the golden parenting years but you will lose a lot of the fun by having a younger one to accommodate.

You seem convinced you are going to live til 80 but there is also the potential that they might end up their siblings guardian too, which you wouldn't wish on any young person. As a 55 year old, I have noticed a big increase in friends dying..I believe doctors call age 50-60 sniper's alley.

So no, sorry, I wouldn't do it.

Which still doesn't rule out the potential of having a severely disabled child. How do you think you'd be able to cope?

Oh do keep your faux sympathy to yourself!

Not true, they have said they will use donor egg and sperm. There is no greater risk of disability in that scenario simply because the woman carrying the child is older. Get your facts right before you stay dispensing advice.

You'll have comments on both sides here. In my experience mumsnet is either "go for it" or "over 35 is too old for parenting". No one knows you or your life better than yourself. If it's something you want to try then go for it. I'm about to have IVF, age 45 too, same as your wife. Good luck to both of us!

I always thought that at a certain age was too old because of the potential future of bein older raising a teen for example. But today news finds a dead baby, day after day children are being abused and not given a chance in life having no one who cares and adults who ruin their lives over and over again.... so makes me reconsider, so what if your older. The love and stability you can give a child is amazing. So many children never have that