Becoming a dad at 51

[50yearold]

I've a lovely 5 year old daughter with my wife. We had fertility issues, down to me as I was on a mediciation that effected my sperm count and wife's age, we met when we were young, I was 29, she was 24, but thought we had loads of time for kids , so enjoyed lots of travel, building our careers, etc, and didn't start trying until she was in her late 30's.

We continued trying for years before we started IVF, we had our perfect girl, but at a later age than most. I was 45, wife was 41.

Now 5 years on, we are considering another child. We always thought we'd settle at one child, but we've talked about and love to add to our family.

Wife is reaching an age which the clinic are saying 'now or never' 46, if we wish to try again, we would have to go straight to double donation, which both of us have no problem at all, rather that than try with a 1% chance using wife's eggs and ICSI with my sperm. We'd love the baby the same.

My only worry is my age, I'm 50 already, would be 51 if the treatment works and the new baby is born, wife would be 47.

On the one hand, I'll leave those kids without a dad probably by the time their in their 30's, 40's. On the other hand at least they would have each other.

Some friends tell me 50+ is too old , others who say go for it.

We've got a lot of savings and big pension, from being childless for so long ( we would hate the idea of kids having to care for us in old age, so have really made provisions for this) .

I love being a dad , but can't help feeling I'm being selfish.

AIBU to want another child at 50+. ?

Just be matter of fact with your kids about ages if they get teased - say - yes - we're older than the average parent but that doesn't mean it's a problem - if they mention getting teased keep it matter of fact/non emotional/the 'non issue' that it is - remember- they could also be teased for having young parents, being richer or poor than the average school demographic, etc etc

Especially in your later posts, you sound quite arrogant OP. Clearly you see yourself and your wife as pretty amazing and successful and as people who should get everything they want. Including in this case using donated sperm AND eggs to have a second child when you have frankly spent a lot of years when you could have been trying not trying, if it was that important to you. For what it's worth, I think this is a pretty terrible idea for many, many reasons. You are too old, both of you. And you did ask.

@Whydoitry
Totally agree with everything you've said!

I believe that using donor eggs and sperms is unethical. That isn't "hateful". Just enjoy the child you have.

It might change of course but DS has never been teased because of his dad's age. Although to be fair his cohort of peers tend to have slightly older parents anyway - mid to late 50s currently rather than 70, but even so. DH is at the school gate every single day so it's not like the kids don't see him at all.

Once a teacher assumed DH was granddad but we all thought it was funny and laughed. Poor teacher was mortified but we assured him about it.

I recall when I was pg I mentioned to the midwife that we were older parents. She shrugged and said 'as long as the combined age is not more than 90 it does not matter'. I laughed and said the combined age was 94. She then admitted she had just plucked a figure out of the air.

I get more stick for being much younger (which apparently for the hard of thinking makes me a god digger ) than DH has ever got for being older.

Agreed - but there's no reason 50 year old new parents can't be this!

In your particular set of circumstances I wouldn’t. I think the risk of your combined ages is the real issue, not the fact that you would be 51 (assuming you’re successful). 51 isn’t that old, but normally the other partner is a good bit younger which offsets many of the negatives/risks of one being an older parent. I think the point a poster made about your DD potentially having to be a guardian for any later potential child is a really good one.

Your wife’s advanced age (plus a donor conception) make pregnancy and childbirth riskier for her. Not just the risk of death but also injury, which could effect the whole family’s quality of life. Plus there’s the inherent stresses and anxieties around the treatment itself- however you try to insulate your DD from that it will have an impact on family life.

Having another child who is not genetically related to any of the three of you (unlike your existing child) is also potentially going to be a lot for that child to deal with as they age. It’s a huge, huge difference between them and your DD and I would not underplay it. And when they really start thinking about it and becoming aware of it, that’s when you and your wife could be dealing with your own health issues or navigating the teen/uni years with your elder child, which isn’t a walk in the park either. The worst case scenario there would be that you’re not there to explain or just be there for them as they navigate that.

I know a major factor is wanting to give your child a sibling, but six years is a big gap. It will probably take until the teen years for your younger one for them to be on the same level, plus there’s no guarantees with any sibling relationship that they’ll get on nevermind be close. I’ve known a few siblings with that sort of gap and they’re just like ships in the night. Strangely, the ones with bigger gaps that do get on seem to have another sibling- perhaps because when it’s only two the dynamic is more like two only children rather than a sib-set. Yes there’s a chance another child could be your DD’s best friend, but they could just as likely have a non-existent or difficult relationship and be of no support when you’re incapacitated/gone.

I would agree with posters who’ve said if having a second was of the upmost importance to you you would have cracked on immediately after DD was born. Of course it’s not as easy as that. I’m sure there was a massive amount of trauma and distress that you as a couple needed to actually recover from before it even entered your headspace. But it does seem like you’ve been told “last chance saloon guys, one for the road?”, and you’re now talking yourselves into it.

A good friend of mine is an only child (older mum in his case) and spent his childhood being put through prep school and travelling the world to really exotic locations during the holidays (and even now tbf!), going on road trips with his dad to football matches and gigs. Just loads of amazing memories and an enviable quality of life. Personally, if it were me, I’d rather be chasing that sort of childhood for my DD rather than a sibling.

I agree with the posters saying that having a sibling doesn't mean that they are close, emotionally or in physical distance. This is going to be controversial but they won't be biologically related and that matters to some people. It can also be a point of contention the difficult teen years.

I think when I was a teen it would have mattered that my sibling wasn't biologically related to me.

I am in 2 minds about that’s this. We have 3 kids. The youngest is nearly 4 and dh is 50 now. I am 42 but feel to old to have more kids. Being honest I think dh is to old to have more too but we have 3 kids so it’s a lot to deal with anyway. We might feel differently if we had one child.

However it hasn’t affected our ability to do activities etc with them as we do lots of things like swimming, football, homework, park trips etc. It’s actually quite the opposite that a lot of the young parents in the dcs school do very little with there kids. They seem more fixated on themselves, social media and there social life. Off course that’s not all of them but it’s so noticeable my oldest dc who is 11 has commented on it and made reference to it a few times so age doesn’t necessarily come into how hands on a parent you are.

You do need to seriously consider how can you care for a child if they have disabilities. The risks do improve with age. I personally would think long and hard how you will feel having a 11 year old and 5 year old potentially etc.

Please be mindful as someone who has gone through years of IVF and joined support groups, posting things like donation is "incredibly unethical." or "to have a baby that is no way related to either of you," is bloody awful , for many people using donor eggs, sperm, they are young couples who had cancer treatment, young couples who have issues beyond their control and simply want to bring a child into the world and love that child. At least argue your case, if its just there's no genetic link, then is all adoption wrong?

I'm not one who mentioned this before but -
Op, you're talking about creating a child with not just donor eggs OR sperm but both. You'd be mad to think there's no implications of that. If you do it, at least do some kind of assessment first and acknowledge that there may be drawbacks. People are right to have their own opinions and highlight the drawbacks to you.

Adoption is amazing, for those who choose it. PPs mentioned adoption because if you're going to have a child with no genetic link, why wouldn't you consider adoption? It suggests that biology isn't your priority here. Instead of creating another life, you could go down that path.

If you didn't want opinions (and these threads are always a bit pointless, you're going to try it anyway), then why ask?

Seriously? "In no way related to you"?
That's very offensive. Children conceived through donation are related to the parents who have them. The mother who carries them literally grows and forms them.
Would you also label adopted children as being in no way related to their parents?
Get off your high horse. Families come in all shapes and manners.

You seem to have a good life, you already have one daughter. The next baby will not be linked to your daughter by birth. ID say no to trying for another child. You should enjoy the life you have. You have no idea how life will change in the next few years. Why are you complicating it? Your child will be fine as a only child. theyll make friends. You dont know if the next baby will be health or have any special needs or disabilities. Are you prepared to take onthat? Finances - will your finances be ok if you have any heath issues or get laid off work or cant work? So many variables. Its too risky imo. Id enjoy what I have and be content.

If they are using double donation that’s not really an issue, because biologically they child won’t be theirs.

I know you didn’t mention it either but, equally I think the principle of potentially dying when the child is in their 30s either isn’t the most compelling, we can’t control when we die. My father was 40 when I was born and I lost him in my 30s.

ultimately OP and his wife know their lives and how they feel and how a pregnancy might affect his wife, if they have support around them etc. I know someone who’s father was in their late 50s at primary school, passed away in her mid 30s. He met his grandkid and had a lovely relationship with them and was incredibly hands on and dearly loved

My first thought was too old whe I read your thread title...but then I saw you have a five year old so you are already parenting a little one so I can't see why you shouldn't have another. It will be nice for them to have a sibling.

@AnotherSpare PPs comment doesn't seem offensive. It's true, there's no genetic link. Same with an adopted child- doesn't mean they're not the parents still. Now that would be offensive to adoptees/adopters.

@darjeelingrose is saying that they're at an age where they have to have two lots of donor gametes and their two old. Completely different point to what youre getting at.

What age will this end. What age is the cut-off morally and ethically?
Just because we (medically) can, doesn't mean we should.

I suspect there will be age-restrictions imposed on these procedures one fine day - no transition for under 18's, no babies for octogenarians.

I wouldn't say it to the face of a couple of 50 year olds having a baby, I'd just smile and nod, smile and nod.

My dad was 50 when I was born ( dm was 40) ...I had the benefit of their wisdom and life experience when growing and time with him when he retired when I was a stroppy teen
Unfortunately my dad died 2 days before my 21st birthday....he never saw me graduate, marry or meet his grandchildren and 35 years later it still affects me deeply when I see my friends who still have their parents to love and support them
I know bereavement can happen at any stage in life but it's definitely something to bear in mind , and make sure you have a will/good financial arrangements in place for these eventualities

I think I already posted, we approached adoption agenices and they told us as we have a child, they would steer us to adopt a younger child, so in our case, we have a 5 year old, they would prefer we adopt a toddler. So the age thing is still there.

Believe me we have looked at full implications of donor conception, our clinic demands we go through counselling, we have contacted the donor network, it took a LONG time for me to even accept this as a possibility and after very long research.

I've been reading every post here, so welcome other opinions, I hope I don't come across as arrogant, I don't mean to if that's the case, its just the donor side is such a huge subject, its a complete different debate, (as is adoption) I was focusing about age and being a dad.

the poll shows, roughly 50/50 which I think shows there's not one overwhelming view on this, this is my problem when I seek advice from friends and family!

This. absolutely this. I say go for it, and i speak as someone who lost a parent relatively young and unexpected.

Have you considered the potential child’s feelings at all re knowing they are not biologically related to either of their parents or their sibling?

Yes.

I agree with this.

I would never say it to an older couple having a baby, because it’s their choice and it doesn’t hurt me. I’d be polite and happy for them personally. BUT…privately I do think that there needs to be some cut off point where you can honestly look at yourself and say ‘Yes, I am probably too old now’.

You can’t have it all. If you chose to have children later, and benefitted from that choice by having full lives, careers, financial stability etc, you also have to accept the fact that you may face fertility issues associated with age and you may not have the size family you want. That’s life. It’s not perfect.

But at some point you WILL be too old to have a child. At the point you’re 45-50 and having to contemplate donor speak AND egg, Id say that’s the time. Others may disagree, but I think there is a huge impact for a child having a parent in their 60s rather than say 30s or 40s, no matter how fit and spritely you are.

donor sperm and eggs

My grandad was 55 when my dad was born and my gran 41. DDad said it made no difference to him and that he was a great dad. If you want to then go for it.