Becoming a dad at 51

[50yearold]

I've a lovely 5 year old daughter with my wife. We had fertility issues, down to me as I was on a mediciation that effected my sperm count and wife's age, we met when we were young, I was 29, she was 24, but thought we had loads of time for kids , so enjoyed lots of travel, building our careers, etc, and didn't start trying until she was in her late 30's.

We continued trying for years before we started IVF, we had our perfect girl, but at a later age than most. I was 45, wife was 41.

Now 5 years on, we are considering another child. We always thought we'd settle at one child, but we've talked about and love to add to our family.

Wife is reaching an age which the clinic are saying 'now or never' 46, if we wish to try again, we would have to go straight to double donation, which both of us have no problem at all, rather that than try with a 1% chance using wife's eggs and ICSI with my sperm. We'd love the baby the same.

My only worry is my age, I'm 50 already, would be 51 if the treatment works and the new baby is born, wife would be 47.

On the one hand, I'll leave those kids without a dad probably by the time their in their 30's, 40's. On the other hand at least they would have each other.

Some friends tell me 50+ is too old , others who say go for it.

We've got a lot of savings and big pension, from being childless for so long ( we would hate the idea of kids having to care for us in old age, so have really made provisions for this) .

I love being a dad , but can't help feeling I'm being selfish.

AIBU to want another child at 50+. ?

@RoseFl0wers I do think , speaking to my wife, as we scrolled through all these replies, that adoption remains something we've always wanted to explore and will.

I'm checking out of this thread, thanks for all the replies.

For the comments from intelligent people, lots of useful things to think about from the sibling gap, the reality of having/being old parents, from the calls to be grateful for what I have (which I eternally am) to the pitchfork brigade that donor eggs/sperm is the devils work, I thank you all !

I think this AIBU was centered on if we should close the door on having a baby and just focus on adopting a child , as the adoption agency advised, around 2 years younger than her.

To everyone who responded thanks very much.

Final poll check shows roughly 50/50 for the 50 year old.....with "Your too old!" out by a nose. Food for thought.

I didn't say that.
I said that for many children who are adopted they need to be the sole focus on the family or individual who adopts them.
Many children in the care system have a significant history of trauma and have specialized and specific needs.
I have also given an example of where it is in the best interests of children to be adopted or permanently fostered in a family situation.

In adoption the only issue is what is in the best interests of the child who is being adopted.

It can for example be very difficult to parent therapeutically with a child displaying trauma responses alongside parenting another child who isn't and is used to a completely different set of parenting responses.

I am a social worker with a significant background in fostering and adoption so I have seen up close a wide variety of different situations. You aren't doing the child looking for permanency any favors by ignoring potential issues, up to 25 of adoptions are thought to breakdown.

It's completely your choice at the end of the day, but you're going to be in for a shock if you go down the adoption route, if you think people opposing double gamete donation is a criticism.

You need to accept that there are downfalls/challenges to that choice, I don't understand why some older parents think they can have it all in life. The ethical considerations are valid and it is two-fold when a child isn't related to either parent.

Neither path is going to be easy at 50+. It doesn't mean it won't work out fine for your family, but you asked the question and you need to go in with your eyes open. Most people don't have kids in perfect circumstances, there's nothing wrong with admitting it's not ideal.

I'm not saying don't explore the adoption route.

I'm just cautioning that adoption isn't anything like your previous experience of parenting.

The focus is on how to meet the needs of a very vulnerable and potentially highly traumatized child.

It can be a very rewarding and meaningful way to parent.

I haven't had a chance to read all the messages, but I think you need to add your child's perspective. As an only child with older parents it will be so much easier for her to have a sibling in your later years and to do the adventuring and running around with. I say go for it!!

Good luck!

Yes, but it's not old and doddery nowadays, most 60 year olds are still in work.
It depends if you feel up to it in terms of energy and outlook. If you want to, go for it.

I don’t agree with this at all.

I also think fertility treatment shouldn’t be viewed as something available only to the under 35’s. I only knew 3 out of a possible 30+ people in our local NCT group under 35. Not everyone tries to conceive in their 20s

You need to accept that there are downfalls/challenges to that choice, I don't understand why some older parents think they can have it all in life. The ethical considerations are valid and it is two-fold when a child isn't related to either parent

l was the adopted child of two older parents. Genes count for very little it’s nurturing and environment that matter.

Its almost like eugenics. No one should have a child who is made of someone else’s doubtful genes. Pure blood all the way eh?

You're posts are all really defensive. The slightest hint that op should think about the issues of double donation and we have the adoption trump card is pulled. No, it's not the same. Yes, not having a bio link can cause identity issues.

It's not an attack on you as an adopted child. Your family are still your family. Talking about the risks of something doesn't mean you have to make it about you - seriously. It is quite unusual to have IVF with donor egg and donor sperm and should be considered, why on earth would you disagree with that?

And I'm not convinced you know what eugenics is @ArseInTheCoOpWindow