Becoming a dad at 51

[50yearold]

I've a lovely 5 year old daughter with my wife. We had fertility issues, down to me as I was on a mediciation that effected my sperm count and wife's age, we met when we were young, I was 29, she was 24, but thought we had loads of time for kids , so enjoyed lots of travel, building our careers, etc, and didn't start trying until she was in her late 30's.

We continued trying for years before we started IVF, we had our perfect girl, but at a later age than most. I was 45, wife was 41.

Now 5 years on, we are considering another child. We always thought we'd settle at one child, but we've talked about and love to add to our family.

Wife is reaching an age which the clinic are saying 'now or never' 46, if we wish to try again, we would have to go straight to double donation, which both of us have no problem at all, rather that than try with a 1% chance using wife's eggs and ICSI with my sperm. We'd love the baby the same.

My only worry is my age, I'm 50 already, would be 51 if the treatment works and the new baby is born, wife would be 47.

On the one hand, I'll leave those kids without a dad probably by the time their in their 30's, 40's. On the other hand at least they would have each other.

Some friends tell me 50+ is too old , others who say go for it.

We've got a lot of savings and big pension, from being childless for so long ( we would hate the idea of kids having to care for us in old age, so have really made provisions for this) .

I love being a dad , but can't help feeling I'm being selfish.

AIBU to want another child at 50+. ?

But I don't feel convinced I'll live to 80 at all. My wife and I have siblings , with children and when we drafted my will, we discussed who will look after my daughter and any potential new child. My wife is in super good shape, I'm healthy, but my brother is a doctor, (chest) so he reminds me how things can go south , quickly in middle age...

But your points about the gap are true and something for us to think about seriously , thank you. Good points here.

Dh was 58 when our youngest was born. My ddad died at 53 so I was well aware of the risks but I don’t wish I hadn’t been born “just in case”. There’s an 8 year gap between ds2 and ds3 but, now they’re older, they are great friends. We have no regrets. If you and your wife both want another child it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks.

Why did you wait 5 years OP, when time was not on your side? I agree that a 6 year gap is quite tricky, and it's possibly more of a disincentive than your age for all the logistical reasons described by a PP.

My Mum was 6 years younger than her brother and they were not at all close. I'm nearly 5 years older than my brother and we are close now, but weren't as kids and teens.

I am 49 with a 6 year-old born after IVF. My husband is a few years younger her than me. I was ambivalent about a second and my husband was not at all keen but would have gone with it if I had pushed. In the end we just never got round to it and now it's too late, but I can see so many advantages of our family of three. Who knows what the future will bring, you'll drive yourself mad trying to arbitrage it. My Dad died suddenly at 53 and my Mum at 66, but my 45 year old husband still has both parents and two grandparents with all their faculties intact at over 90.

If you only have one child you'll both have more time and energy to look after yourselves. Does your child have good cousin relationships? I'd be lying if I said I didn't worry about my son being left all alone, but I'm sure I'd still be pretty worried about dying in the next 20 years even if I had 2 or more kids! All I can do is hope that he forms strong relationships outside the family.

Finally, I know a couple in which the woman is late thirties and the man is over 50 (second marriage for him). Nobody batted an eyelid when they had two kids. It's less of a big deal in the real world than it is on here.

Good luck deciding.

Your brother sounds like a right bundle of laughs...
Does he have any tips to mitigate the risks of "things going South"?

My ex was 56 when ds was born. He has provided financially for ds, but has been a poor father in every other way.

It has nothing to do with his age though, it is his attitude. He can't be bothered to get involved, thinks children are 'women's work' and has generally been no role model at all.

I taught ds to swim and to catch a ball. I spent hours teaching ds to ride his bike. I can talk Minecraft tactics if necessary. Ex would rather poke sticks in his eyes.

As long as you want to be an involved dad and enjoy your child, go for it. But if you have an 'old man' attitude to children, don't. Children deserve better.

OP, this is mumsnet where majority who post encourage 15yr olds to have sex etc. You're a more sensible parent and adult which is why your are thinking and rethinking things. Your child will be planned for and well loved.

These people had a PM who had children in his late 50s, they didn't protest against it for the sake of the children, even though he already has adult children. It's these same people who spew venom on landlords however accidental, even if only one property which perhaps the LL had b4 they got married and decided to rent it out etc. Yet they're happy for Charles to continue holding on to numerous amounts of property, in fact he's the largest land owner in the UK. The COL is challenging for many young families yet they're about to fund an extravagant coronation. In their eyes you're the peasant and should not look out for yourself and your family.

I say go ahead and I hope you succeed. My dear mum had me in her late 20s but sadly died before I was 7. My dad then re-married within a year. My step-mum was simply focused on having kids, had her first within 9 months and focused on them only.

I have three friends who married within 3years of graduation and are widows now. Yet I have relatives in their 80s and 90s. No one knows how long anyone will live. The wise thing is to evaluate your current health status and go ahead based on the findings.

I'm also mid 40s and my hubs is mid 50s too. We've had several IVFs, all private even though we've paid so much taxes all our lives. We'll continue to try and pray this is our year. All the best.

Forgot to mention, my older sister is 11yrs older than me and we're very close. We're the closest amongst our siblings.

I know some mumsnetters will start lunging at their keyboards protesting the truth of this post. My dad was obviously a few years older than my mum too.✊

Go for it. You’ll be fine and it will be fun.

I think 46 and 50 are too old, sorry. My parents are 50. Also, 6 years is a large age gap between dc so they might not have a super close relationship, although you can’t guarantee this with any age gap. Chromosomal disorders and other disabilities are much higher in babies born to older parents.

I was the child in this situation. My dad was 49 when I was born. I spent young childhood grappling with why everyone would refer to him as my grandad. As soon as I became aware of death, I lived with the terror he might die because he did look considerably older than the other dads, and in my childhood mind old people die. I spent my teenage years mortified because his age made me stand out, the girl with the pensioner dad. Adulthood was spent worrying about and caring for his increasing needs.

We have a 6 year age gap and yes we are split with each of their needs. BUT they have the most precious relationship. My 6yo ds is absolutely the best with his sister. We don't have the competitiveness and fighting as you would with 2 kids with a smaller age gap. And at 6yo he is so independent and does most things for himself so I can focus on the baby. My ds is so helpful as well, he's always running first if she cries and is so protective over her, he reads to her and plays with her. I don't think the age gap is a problem at all, only you and your dw will know if this is the right decision for your family. A big concern for us was also my ds being an only later in life if we are not around. Best of luck.

I think it's a personal decision., but ethically if you're having to use donor eggs because of your wife's age then surely that tells you that you're too old.

Men can become parents for longer, but it doesn't mean that they should.

I think that having a child who isn't genetically related to either of you could have a significant impact on their mental health when they are older particularly as first dc is genetically related to both of you.
That combined with your age means that I would give it hard swerve. It is hard with ivf, we ended up having only one pregnancy.
I would focus on what you do have.

I believe the clinic already gave you the answer when they told you you’re right on the line. You are, and some will say you’re already over and others will say not, because it’s a close run thing. It’s a bit now or never, as they told you.

Totally your choice. Either way is fine.

There are four and a half years between our two IVF children. My DH was 51 when our youngest was born last year. He does find it tiring but he plays and chases them in soft play all the time. I am younger than your wife though. Just found out I am pregnant again. All being well he will be 52. If you feel up to it why not?

OP your story resonates with me somewhat. We also met in our 20's and put off having kids due to worry about housing security, career direction, finances etc. Started trying when I was 35. Six years & two miscarriages later we had our boy.

He's now 6, DH is almost 50, I'm 48. We are freaking knackered! In the newborn phase when I was a sprightly 41, I said to DH "If I were 10 years younger and 10 times wealthier, I still wouldn't do this again".

However, your circumstances sound quite different. I can't tell you what's best for you two.

On the older parent issue- I agree there are probably more negative aspects than positive, in all honesty. The main positive I can think of is that DS will get his hands on a substantial inheritance at a young-ish age. With no siblings to argue with over it.

Hopefully he can set himself up earlier in life than his parents did and break that cycle.

Good luck in making a good decision.

My friend was 50 when he and his 47 year old wife had their second set of twins.
All well now and they're gorgeous, but statistically, however fit and active and young minded you are in your fifties, you have the physiological biology of someone that age and are far more likely to leave your DC fatherless in their thirties. And that's presuming you make it to 80 plus.

You’d be very brave to be a new dad in your 50’s.

I was in same boat - and now I’m on GP duties (step daughters) it’s a killer and I struggle with more than a day or two. Also, we have to be more understanding of kids these days, lots more ‘issues’ are known about - and the clip round the ear we got as kids that taught us right from wrong, or what danger was, has to be handled as though we have degrees in psychology now.

So my much younger partner and I discussed the idea of our own - and I’m just too long in the tooth, too old, too grumpy, too much of the ‘man up’ generation - for it to be the right decision. Im a perfect GP though. For about a day or two.

Do you have the energy? We sail, 8 hour shifts Atlantic crossings, poor weather, hard work, bad sleep…. Easy peasy, having a kid at 50…. Not for the feint hearted.

Great post, some wise words here!

my ex has a baby at 51
he has grandkids the same age as his youngest and his oldest - my son is 29 this year all of his kids think he is mad
I think he’s an idiot / his dad died when he was only 57
but he’s the type who has a kid with every relationship to “ seal the relationship as such

he does have a young fun attitude so maybe that helps

I couldn’t imagine having a baby at your wife’s age
but if you are happy go for it

Have you considered fostering? You sound like lovely caring people with a secure home, and could potentially raise a child who already exists, but doesn't have the love and care that they need

Too old sorry. I say this from seeing my Grandmother having her last baby in her 40s. My uncle is young in his 40s now but has a lot on taking care of his ageing parents. It’s not fair on him at all.

To old, not fair that your young potential child would have to take care of two aging parents.

Bit old, sorry, and egg "donation" is incredibly unethical.

I don't want to derail the thread but it's sad that people still trot out old tropes about only children. We're fine, we don't need pity and we build our own families and friend networks. We are not lonely or alone.

But back to your situation, for me personally 47 and 51 would be too old. I also wonder, and I say this from a place of ignorance on the subject, whether any second child might feel strange knowing they have no biological link?

Anything can happen. My dad was 30 when I was born and died when he was 43. It's really a decision only you can make.