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AIBU?

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Original poster

Becoming a dad at 51

210 replies

50yearold · 01/03/2023 23:45

I've a lovely 5 year old daughter with my wife. We had fertility issues, down to me as I was on a mediciation that effected my sperm count and wife's age, we met when we were young, I was 29, she was 24, but thought we had loads of time for kids , so enjoyed lots of travel, building our careers, etc, and didn't start trying until she was in her late 30's.

We continued trying for years before we started IVF, we had our perfect girl, but at a later age than most. I was 45, wife was 41.

Now 5 years on, we are considering another child. We always thought we'd settle at one child, but we've talked about and love to add to our family.

Wife is reaching an age which the clinic are saying 'now or never' 46, if we wish to try again, we would have to go straight to double donation, which both of us have no problem at all, rather that than try with a 1% chance using wife's eggs and ICSI with my sperm. We'd love the baby the same.

My only worry is my age, I'm 50 already, would be 51 if the treatment works and the new baby is born, wife would be 47.

On the one hand, I'll leave those kids without a dad probably by the time their in their 30's, 40's. On the other hand at least they would have each other.

Some friends tell me 50+ is too old , others who say go for it.

We've got a lot of savings and big pension, from being childless for so long ( we would hate the idea of kids having to care for us in old age, so have really made provisions for this) .

I love being a dad , but can't help feeling I'm being selfish.

AIBU to want another child at 50+. ?

OP posts:
Reugny · 02/03/2023 15:20

MicroSoftTeamz · 02/03/2023 09:51

I personally would think about when your youngest starts school etc and you being older parents and how they may get teased for that..
I personally think its a bit too old.

They won't.

Everyone always says but if you live in a middle class area or culturally diverse areas were people have larger families then no one gives a shit.

theleafandnotthetree · 02/03/2023 15:24

LikeAStar1994 · 02/03/2023 15:12

My parents had me at 39 and 42. I can't help but wish they had me younger. Simply because I'm more likely to lose one or both while I'm still young.

It's up to you, OP. But personally I think it's a bad idea.

Really? In the normal run of events you'll be at least in your 30s, I really wouldn't consider that young, or at least not especially so.

blebbleb · 02/03/2023 15:26

LikeAStar1994 · 02/03/2023 15:12

My parents had me at 39 and 42. I can't help but wish they had me younger. Simply because I'm more likely to lose one or both while I'm still young.

It's up to you, OP. But personally I think it's a bad idea.

Technically if they had a baby earlier you wouldn't exist, it would be another baby! Also losing parents in your 30s isn't that young, and they could live longer than that

Naunet · 02/03/2023 16:38

threeplusmum · 02/03/2023 00:02

Me and my partner who we share a 22 year age gap are about to have our second child together - he is nearly 55 yet he is fitter and more fertile then men half his age. My own dad had me in his late forties and he is now in his eighties ! Age is just a number I think you should go for it. I'd of hated to be an only child.

No, he’s not more fertile, and his sperm is of poorer quality, which can mean it’s more likely the baby can have a disability and a higher chance you could miscarry. Not trying to be mean at all, but it’s not healthy to keep up this lie that men’s age doesn’t impact their fertility too.

Letthecandleburn · 02/03/2023 17:14

I'm 36 and my partner is 53, we have a 3 year old child. He always wanted a second child (first from first marriage is now 15) but I do think he feels a bit old. I'm definitely left to do everything in the house and most of the childcare (however my partner is lazy, so not just an age thing).
I do occasionally think about our age difference and feel sad that when our son is my age, his father may not be around.

Letthecandleburn · 02/03/2023 17:15

Also, ironically I've just found out I'm pregnant (not told him yet, it was unplanned).

drpet49 · 02/03/2023 17:27

StrawHatOnTheParcelShelf · 02/03/2023 00:29

Personally I would have an ethical problem with deliberately having a child at that age AND doing it with eggs and sperm bought from someone else. These are really issues for you and your wife to decide though, everyone will have their own take on it.

This. It is an awful idea.

Naunet · 02/03/2023 17:27

Letthecandleburn · 02/03/2023 17:15

Also, ironically I've just found out I'm pregnant (not told him yet, it was unplanned).

Congratulations! Do you never worry though that just when you’ve finished taking care of the kids, you’ll have to be a carer for your partner? Not judging at all, but I just know the thought would terrify me!!

Emmamoo89 · 02/03/2023 17:37

Go for it 😊

RampantIvy · 02/03/2023 17:42

Congratulations! Do you never worry though that just when you’ve finished taking care of the kids, you’ll have to be a carer for your partner? Not judging at all, but I just know the thought would terrify me!!

DH is 71, and yes, I am carrying more of the mental load these days Sad

Raisinsofetre · 02/03/2023 17:50

I think you're both too old and I don't support donor sperm and egg or surrogacy.

Raisinsofetre · 02/03/2023 17:52

Letthecandleburn · 02/03/2023 17:14

I'm 36 and my partner is 53, we have a 3 year old child. He always wanted a second child (first from first marriage is now 15) but I do think he feels a bit old. I'm definitely left to do everything in the house and most of the childcare (however my partner is lazy, so not just an age thing).
I do occasionally think about our age difference and feel sad that when our son is my age, his father may not be around.

You're not too old but your husband is. It's one the of the sad aspects of a huge age gap. Anyway he has 2 children already it's you who has to sacrifice.

pjmasksitsthepjmasks · 02/03/2023 18:15

I was 38 when I had my first dc and my DP was 53. We had our second a year later. Are we both knackered? Yes we are! But we're also better parents than I think we would have been when we were younger and our DC are very happy (although only 3 and 4 years old, so I suppose that could change.....) 😉

Good luck op!

toomuchlaundry · 02/03/2023 18:24

Both DH's parents have deteriorated in their health since turning 70 and MIL was very slim and fit, and actually seemed in better health than all of us a couple of years ago, but is now suffering from age -related illnesses

Freetodowhatiwant · 02/03/2023 18:29

My dh was 50 with our first and 52 wirh our second. He’s managed fine! He’s very youthful and people would have no idea of his age. Yes if he lives to an old age the kids will still be in their 40s when he dies but we could all die anytime.

blebbleb · 02/03/2023 18:31

Not saying 50 is too old as such but I think people are a bit deluded that all their 50 something other halves are younger and fitter than the rest. In reality no one looks or acts much more than a couple of years younger than they are.

ClairDeLaLune · 02/03/2023 18:33

Go for it. You can be fighting fit into your 90s or you can decline in your 60s. Who knows? A lot of it is down to attitude and lifestyle, and if you’re healthy and young in your outlook why not? Try the treatment and let fate decide. And people talking about egg and sperm quality declining with age, well you won’t have that if you use donors. It would be nice for your DD to have a sibling, especially if she’s likely to lose her parents at a younger age than the average. Good luck!

Jimboscott0115 · 02/03/2023 18:34

On the one hand, I'll leave those kids without a dad probably by the time their in their 30's, 40's. On the other hand at least they would have each other.

you might leave them While they're teens too. I know that sounds harsh but after 60/65 then you have no idea what will happen.

I'm not saying don't do it, but ultimately you can't just look at the positives. Personally the idea of not having a child free house until my 70s, having a teen in my 60s and sleepless nights in my 50s would fill me with dread.

Do what feels right but it's going to be difficult, and you'll notice the difference even in the last 5 years - just be prepared that's all.

Zanatdy · 02/03/2023 18:36

I’d say both too old in my opinion and the fact that a pregnancy is unlikely naturally at 47 suggests that a woman’s body might find it difficult, not to mention post birth and managing a baby / toddler later in life, and in conjunction with the delights of the menopause etc

Madeintowerhamlets · 02/03/2023 19:11

Just to add that I am probably being unreasonable here but I feel like 5/6 years makes a big difference at the ages you are. So having a 10 year old at 55 seems ok to me but having a 10 year old at 60 feels much more daunting. I’m sure others will be along to disagree. And I’m saying this as someone who had cancer treatment myself and won’t have another child for a range of reasons. I think you also have to accept that although you had fertility struggles you didn’t start actively trying until your late 30’s. And then you waited 5 years before considering another. I have had to reflect on my own choices too so if that sounds harsh then that’s probably as much about me judging myself.

Hesma · 02/03/2023 19:12

As an older mother there is a higher chance of twins… could you cope with two???

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 02/03/2023 19:14

ladykale · 02/03/2023 00:23

Particularly with parents that will be older when your kid is 30, would be nice to have a sibling.

I feel sorry for only children generally

Save your sympathy, it's fine being an only child 🙄

StopitSarah · 02/03/2023 19:30

@PinkSparklyPussyCat I’m happy to take sympathy for being an only child. As an adult with older parents it’s incredibly lonely being an only child and looking after parents who are unwell/dying. I can’t emphasise strongly enough how much I wish I had a sibling with shared history. It’s so hard bring the only one left from my family of origin. So hard.

GlamGiraffe · 02/03/2023 20:09

My husband was 60 when our last child was born.. you couldn't get a more involved active parent than him. Whilst it's true that in all liklihood he won't be around in my child 20s or 30s, she will have had a wonderful childhood and paternal relationship that many people with younger fathers will never have, so she is lucky.
None of us know what tomorrow holds, and whilst probabilities are that if we have children younger we will be around longer, It is not a certainty. Things happen, people get ill, have accidents, split up or move away. Younger parents do not necessarily have much time or interest invested in their children either in some cases, so it's not about age but about quality.
A great relationship is, ìn my opinion special and to be treasured. AT 51 you're not that old. If you have energy, excitement, a zest for life and WANT a child go for it. You could have a wonderful patent child relationship and that is something incredibly special.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 02/03/2023 20:18

Peakypolly · 02/03/2023 00:09

I think you are both a bit old -sorry. My DF was 45 when I was born but my DM was 10 years younger.
I have a similar age gap and, as they get older, it gets harder.For example, I'm sure as your DD becomes a teen there will be all sorts of adventure to share with her and this is more challenging with a younger sprog in tow. This is not even considering the fact that your younger child may not be as straightforward as your DD.

Dh was 47 when DD was born. She wasn’t any harder than the other 3