Becoming a dad at 51

[50yearold]

I've a lovely 5 year old daughter with my wife. We had fertility issues, down to me as I was on a mediciation that effected my sperm count and wife's age, we met when we were young, I was 29, she was 24, but thought we had loads of time for kids , so enjoyed lots of travel, building our careers, etc, and didn't start trying until she was in her late 30's.

We continued trying for years before we started IVF, we had our perfect girl, but at a later age than most. I was 45, wife was 41.

Now 5 years on, we are considering another child. We always thought we'd settle at one child, but we've talked about and love to add to our family.

Wife is reaching an age which the clinic are saying 'now or never' 46, if we wish to try again, we would have to go straight to double donation, which both of us have no problem at all, rather that than try with a 1% chance using wife's eggs and ICSI with my sperm. We'd love the baby the same.

My only worry is my age, I'm 50 already, would be 51 if the treatment works and the new baby is born, wife would be 47.

On the one hand, I'll leave those kids without a dad probably by the time their in their 30's, 40's. On the other hand at least they would have each other.

Some friends tell me 50+ is too old , others who say go for it.

We've got a lot of savings and big pension, from being childless for so long ( we would hate the idea of kids having to care for us in old age, so have really made provisions for this) .

I love being a dad , but can't help feeling I'm being selfish.

AIBU to want another child at 50+. ?

You don't need to be pushing 50 to have a career, most manage to kick it off around 21. The costs outweighs the benefits when you get to about 43+

Hello, child of very old parents here.

You need:

• money. To retire early ideally, but also to ensure that if anything happens to you then there’s money for your care and your family are not in poverty without you working
• interest. You might not have energy all the time (maybe you will!) but please take interest in what your kids like. My dad was prone to writing off my interests as “silly” and constantly over talking me about his experiences and what things were like in his day. Made me feel unimportant and like we had a distant more formal relationship. I used to stop trying to talk to him about interests to avoid that bit of hurt.
• to not make your age “a thing”. My parents made their parenting image “we’re old parents” (eg jokes with friends, explaining why they wouldn’t do stuff with me, explaining their life stories to people). It was BORING as a kid… you’re not old parents, you’re just parents. That’s supposed to be your role. Saying “old” makes it about you too much. So obviously don’t hide when you’re tired or whatnot, but don’t make it your identity. If anyone asks, maybe say “we had them later in life” and explain how lucky you were after waiting to have kids. If you’re tired, say just that and not that you’re “old”.

And keep in good health if you can :) one of my friends had a MUCH older dad but he lived to 96 and they had a great time right up to the last day, and he was very sprightly until the year before. Others leave us at 40! And don’t worry too much about health and age as your kids will pick up on it and worry too.

Point being, yes you definitely can have a kid at 51 :)

I totally agree with this. OP we have one DC & are slightly older although we didn’t have IVF. I wouldn’t have another with donor egg & sperm. I agree with others that this is ethically dubious at the ages you are. Also if you want another do it because YOU want another not because you worry about your existing child being alone when you die. Siblings are no guarantee that they won’t be lonely. I agree with pp about building relationships outside the family.

please bear in mind that there are serious psychological issues for ‘donor’ babies which are just coming to light ( maybe because the donor - conceived IVF children are starting to be adults who can speak for themselves).

I believe that donors are not allowed to be anonymous anymore, so your child will be able to contact her blood parents ( sorry, can’t think of another way of distinguishing them from you) . I don’t know how that plays out, but I can see the potential for distress.

I also think the impact on your existing child might not be all you hope for. So you were so desperate for another child that you were prepared to acquire an unrelated sibling for them, who is significantly younger and so will have many claims on what was previously your undivided attention. ‘I was not enough’ Of course it might work out, but the possibilities for resentment are clear.

You will be dealing with all that when you are in your sixties and seventies, on top of the normal demands on time, energy ( and income). Believe me, one’s energy both mental and physical decline very steeply once you are in your sixties. Just read the constant grandparent threads on exhaustion and unwillingness to look after DGC for long.

There is a great deal to be said for being contented with your current happiness.

I think if you’re too old to have a child with your own egg/sperm then you’re too old to have a child tbh. Nature imposes those restrictions for a reason. (I’m not talking about younger people who struggle with fertility for other reasons).

I’m 44 and in good enough shape, but am on the way to being a grandma now really with late teens- no way would I have a baby now.

my 13 year old has a 70 year old dad and quite frankly it is just, like having any other dad. Except possibly he is around more as he is retired. DH does the evening school run and helps with homework and does what most dads do (with the exception of kicking a ball around because they hate it- they sail together instead). I doubt DS has really noticed his dad is older. Thankfully DH has great genes- his parents were in good health until they died just shy 98 and 96 respectively. His uncle has just passed aged 98 and was in his own home until then with only occasional support from us in fetching shopping etc.

I am quite clear that when the time comes any caring responsibilities for DH come from me, not DS.

Not selfish at all - go for a second if that's what you really want! Although imo although siblings can potentially great I don't think a child 'needs' them as such she having an only child is fine too. As far as your comment about your kids 'losing you' in their 30s/40s I would say 40s is quite common for most people to lose parents. My own mum was lucky - and unusual imo in that she reached 56 with both parents living independently. Honestly imo having a child at 51 wouldn't make that child any different from anyone else imo !

I am 26, pregnant with my first, and have an amazing professional career. My parents are now 50 and will be excellent active grandparents! I loved/love having young parents. Had I waited until my mid-late 30s to ask the doctors about my fertility (gynae issues), I may not have had a baby at all because investigations take a long time. Thankfully I conceived naturally.

I disagree with egg ‘donation’ (ethically) and don’t see the point in double gamete donation because it won’t be OP or his DW’s biological child. They might as well be one and done or foster/adopt.

Too old IMO. Don’t do it.

Thanks for all your replies everyone, especially from people with older parents.

@Ohnanawhatsyourname thanks. We're fairly well off , private pensions, savings , property, and have planned carefully for old age so not a burden on kids, while still giving them a start in life, deposit for flat, etc.

My wife is a teacher and we're both very child centered, so like the vast majority of IVF parents, very much 'interested'.

On the last point, we live in London, most of our friends are like us, postgrad educated, all of them had kids late, at our daughters school lots of parents with daughters in their 40's , in fact its mostly 40's and 30's, maybe 1 or 2 in their 20's, might be a London thing.

@JacquelinePot and other posters,

Please be mindful as someone who has gone through years of IVF and joined support groups, posting things like donation is "incredibly unethical." or "to have a baby that is no way related to either of you," is bloody awful , for many people using donor eggs, sperm, they are young couples who had cancer treatment, young couples who have issues beyond their control and simply want to bring a child into the world and love that child. At least argue your case, if its just there's no genetic link, then is all adoption wrong?

For myself I had an illness in my 30's with drug therapy that had a drastic effect on my fertility.
I was 36, my wife was 32 when we started trying FFS, was that too old to start? Looking back if I didn't think like idiots who think donor eggs and sperm is wrong and weird, we could have completed our family many years ago and I wouldn't be in this situation.

Its also hateful for anyone reading this who was created by donors, that they are somehow inferior, please be mindful of this.

Fair enough if you think I'm too old, and its the reason I've posted the OP, its a fair point.

A few posters have asked why we aren't adopting. Adoption for couples already with a child, are generally encouraged to adopt a child younger than their child by a couple of years, so any child we look at adopting would be very young anyway. We were told we wouldn't be encouraged to adopt a child older than our daughter.

If you want to do it, go for it. As long as you're an active and engaged parent I don't think your children will care or notice. My mum had me at 21, and she was always old to me even then! Parents are seen as old whatever age they had you, especially when kids are little. Yes you might not be around when they're 40 or 50 but a long life isn't guaranteed for anyone anyway.

Everyone will have their own opinion or agenda based on their personal circumstances. Ignore everyone, including me! but I think you should go for it. Do what you feel is right for your family.

As an aside, I think the comments about only children earlier in the thread are completely out of order. I know many very happy only children who stayed that way into adulthood. If you think only children have to be sad and lonely, you lack imagination.

Why do people say this? I'm sorry but that's just not true - there is no way that he is biologically healthier or that his sperm count and quality is better than the average healthy 27/28 year old - that's just not possible. There is a reason that most athletes retire early, because no matter how much they train they just don't get the same results anymore.

He may well be fit and healthy, and faring better than his similar aged peers, but cellular ageing happens to everyone and there is only so much that diet and exercise can do to slow it down.

he is nearly 55 yet he is fitter and more fertile then men half his age

How on earth do you know this 🤣

I am 35, my husband is 52. Our first pregnancy ended at 5 months, when he was 50. We went on to have our daughter last year.

He has two older daughters (11 and 17) so there's no question of us having any more - we have quite enough daughters - but he has admitted to actually enjoying this time round more. He's not so pressured at work, he's able to spend more time with her etc.

Personally, from experience, I'd say go for it but everyone's situation is different. We're both fully aware that he may have less time with her than I will, but we make every effort to do as much as we can and enjoy every single minute. Anything could happen at any time with anyone, and we are doing everything we can to make sure she had as much time and as many memories with her wonderful dad as possible.

Putting a woman at risk of harm in order to extract her eggs so that a 3rd party can have a baby who will never know it's genetic mother is extremely unethical. I'm sorry if it hurts your feelings, but it's true.

You can of course choose to do it, it is legal. If you do, I suggest you try to care less about what strangers on the Internet think.

Best of luck whatever you decide.

All I can say is that dh and I are in our 50s and can't wait for our kids to leave home so that we can enjoy life on our own terms for a bit in case either of us get ill in our 60s. Can't imagine doing it all again at this age!

You'll make a great new dad at 51 - think of all that life experience.

However if I were to become a parent at 50 plus I'd consider keeping my BMI down to about 20. This way I'd feel fitter to deal with all the challenges kids can bring. I do think a 50 year old can make a great new parent but I also think 'fat at 50' is a very different kettle of fish from 'fat at 30' - hence my motivation to stay slim. Also I'd quit smoking and only drink occasionally. While a 50 with their life experience can make an excellent new parent, I also think 50 plus is the time when overweight, excessive drinking and smoking can catch up with people - so time to obliterate the latter 3 - fast!

Kids don't need life experience from a parent. They need a healthy, engaged parent.

I personally would think about when your youngest starts school etc and you being older parents and how they may get teased for that..
I personally think its a bit too old.

@CallCollect I agree with you re the heathy lifestyle. My father in law in 63 and in a terrible states due to obesity and alcoholism. The effects started to show early to mid 50s.

Doesnt hurt my feelings at all.

As much as I find your obviously deeply researched views on donor conception fascinating , my AIBU is if I'm too much a old geezer to have a baby, just in case you missed the big block of text at the top of this page.

😊

Yeah that's the thing - people tend to feel the effects of being unhealthy at this age in a way they wouldn't fo at 30

@Farmageddon

I know his sperm is healthy and he is extremely fertile because he had it checked at Harley street and that is what the doctor told him, this was when he was with a previous partner. I'm not just making empty assumptions.

I hate the "my child will have no-one when I'm gone" mentality. Plenty of people don't like their siblings. Only children make friends. It's a terrible reason imo to have a second child.

Tbh when my parents die, my sibling won't be much comfort as I never see them. They live in New Zealand.

But if you want another one for the joy of it, no I don't think 51 is too old. My partner was older than that because we met later in life, and it's wonderful seeing him with DC.