Becoming a dad at 51

[50yearold]

I've a lovely 5 year old daughter with my wife. We had fertility issues, down to me as I was on a mediciation that effected my sperm count and wife's age, we met when we were young, I was 29, she was 24, but thought we had loads of time for kids , so enjoyed lots of travel, building our careers, etc, and didn't start trying until she was in her late 30's.

We continued trying for years before we started IVF, we had our perfect girl, but at a later age than most. I was 45, wife was 41.

Now 5 years on, we are considering another child. We always thought we'd settle at one child, but we've talked about and love to add to our family.

Wife is reaching an age which the clinic are saying 'now or never' 46, if we wish to try again, we would have to go straight to double donation, which both of us have no problem at all, rather that than try with a 1% chance using wife's eggs and ICSI with my sperm. We'd love the baby the same.

My only worry is my age, I'm 50 already, would be 51 if the treatment works and the new baby is born, wife would be 47.

On the one hand, I'll leave those kids without a dad probably by the time their in their 30's, 40's. On the other hand at least they would have each other.

Some friends tell me 50+ is too old , others who say go for it.

We've got a lot of savings and big pension, from being childless for so long ( we would hate the idea of kids having to care for us in old age, so have really made provisions for this) .

I love being a dad , but can't help feeling I'm being selfish.

AIBU to want another child at 50+. ?

I don't think you come across as arrogant, OP.

anyway- is deciding 'no' something you think you will regret for the rest of your life? If so, then go for it. many people have children with less thought than you and your wife are clearly putting into it. You know the pitfalls, you are aware of all the implications. Think about what you wish for as a family.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Two thoughts! One against and one for!

~It is isn’t looking after babies and toddlers that is hard as an older parent, it is parenting teens: waiting anxiously until
you hear front door at 2am, being called out in the early hours to rescue them and their their friend who has drunk too much,, driving them back and forth to uni, collecting them from distant railway stations and airports, and most exhausting of all; supporting them emotionally through various ups and downs, academic crises, relationship break ups, and dealing with push back and opposition when you just want the best for them and love them to death but they can’t quite comprehend
why you don’t think back-packing around
Tajikistan on your own for a month with £50 savings is a good idea

~Obviously large age gaps between dc can be difficult to manage from a parental pov but once those dc grow up those age gaps completely disappear and you are just adults together and hopefully get on well.

day after day children are being abused and not given a chance in life having no one who cares and adults who ruin their lives over and over again.... so makes me reconsider, so what if your older. The love and stability you can give a child is amazing.

What the heck has that to do with the parental age?
Plenty of parental abuse cases where the parents are of... advanced age.

I can't deduct how much love can OP give from an online post. Stability most definitely not though. Having old parents is very de-stabilising.

You & your wife sound lovely. Don't let age hold you back. Go for it! People are living longer these days, you may live well into your 90's

Thanks for your post.

If we decided no, I think we can happily live with just the 3 of us.

Even if we say yes, 70% chance IVF wont work with donor embryo...

OP is 51

You're not too old. Wishing you and your wife all the love and luck possible to grow your family.

Sounds awful. I had my son when I was in my twenties and now he’s grown up. I was younger and able to cope with being up all night with him and doing all the stuff that little boys want to do. Now I’m in my forties, frankly, I can’t be arsed. I just want to chill at the weekend. My son is grown up and we have a lovely adult relationship which suits us all just fine. I’m looking forward to grandchildren now who I can hand back when they scream too much 😆

Can’t see why you would want to. Enjoy your life and your existing daughter - this is a risky enterprise.

I just don't think that 51 is that old, especially when you have a small child already so it's hardly going to be a shock to the system.

@justasking111

@toomuchlaundry was referring to @habiller 's post, not the OP.

Absolutely this - both points. (I have an adoptive sibling and we are just very different people, nothing wrong with that, but it does mean we have to tread carefully with each other). (The bio sibling ironically buggered off in a huff - just because I may have more insight into whatever is going on in their skull doesn't mean I think they're right...).

Thirdly - when I was 50 I might have said, go for it, age is just a number, you can stay fit blah blah. Now late-mid 50s, having seen how my body, my OH's body, our energy levels have plummeted in the intervening years, I THANK THE LORD we don't have a kid to look after.

Late 40s early 50s we were super healthy, so we're our friends. Since then it's been a cascade of death, hospitalisations, strokes, arthritis, I mean yikes!

I vote stick with the one you have and make the most of having a bit of spare cash. If either of you need to stop work, go part time, want to cut down or retire early so you can be around when DD comes home from school, that's SUCH a gift!

Personally I think you sound very caring and what you’re saying is very reasoned…
but at the end of the day if you and your wife have a great marriage, financial resource, and you both would like to add to your family - then that is probably the right decision for you.

You can’t know whether your daughter and her sibling will end up being close - they may not. You can’t know what the future holds for your longevity or health - you might get knocked over by a bus tomorrow. But if you’re well
placed to support another child and you both want one, then I don’t think whether you’re 47 or 51 or whatever is really an issue.
(And fwiw I think having a six year age gap is really nice - can’t really understand how anyone manages multiple preschoolers!)

I think it’s too old too, sorry. It’s not fair on the child and it’s closer to grandparent age than parent age. You’ll be in your 70s before they move out too so how will you find them in retirement? How would you ENJOY retirement with teenagers at home?

My neighbour had children in his mid 50s and died when they were both toddlers.

Having said that I know a couple the same age who just had a baby (their eldest is 22!) so it’s clearly not uncommon.

If you are fit, healthy and give off a more "youthful" energy then I'd go for it.

My dad was 40 when he had kids (fertility issues also) and I'm ashamed to admit I was always embarrassed by him as he is just an old soul ifywim.

My dad was 49 when I was born, he was always being mistaken for my grandad, and yes I was a bit embarrassed by it and did notice how much younger my friends’ dads were and I’m ashamed of that now. But he was a great dad. Sadly he died when I was 17. No reason to think that will happen to you though OP.

Op, I’ve read all your posts. It’s a tough one. My dad was older than you when I was born but my mum only in her 30’s. I have no siblings. I wish I did though. My dad lived well into his 90’s in good health. I was aware of his age growing up and I did worry about him. A sibling would have meant everything to me.

However, I’m really uneasy with double donor embryos - I’m sorry. I know other people have mentioned it and I understand your question is about your age.

But for me, it does make a significant difference. Maybe I’d feel different if both children were donor conceived. But one genetically linked and one not is maybe a heavy additional burden.

Im sure you’ve thought about it long and hard.

Adoption is a very different kettle of fish. As I’m sure you know. But depending on where your donors come from, you might not have much choice beyond matching physical appearance to yourself and your wife. You might not know if they completed school/higher education etc. (depends which country you’re going through it in). So genetically you might have as little idea of medical/intelligence/personality as if you adopt. Just thoughts. Wish you well.

If you're using donor sperm and donor egg why not adopt instead? You've said twice that adoption agencies have said you should adopt a younger child, as though that's a reason against adoption. I don't understand your argument. If you adopted a toddler now there would be a 2/3 year age gap. Going down the donor egg and sperm route now there will be a significant gap.

There's a 6.5 year gap between my two (now adult) daughters. We didn't plan it that way. It was like having two only children when they were younger, and meant DH and I spent a lot of time doing separate activities with each child. DD1 went off to college at 18 and we carried on raising our second "only child" who was 11.5 at that time. They really didn't have much of a relationship for many years. Now in their 20s/30s they get on fine, but live opposite sides of the country, so not many opportunities to get together.

Be careful what you wish for.

My dad was 23 years old when I was born, he died when I was 7. Worries about the age can be applied to anything. What if etc is not the best way of thinking. If you feel you want it and you can do it, then go for it. The most important thing is what you think and can do about it. There will always be people who will say something negative or discouraging. Everything that people say about us, says nothing about us but everything about them. Good luck to you and your wife x

It's said that older mothers delays the menopause

I didn't know this. I had DD at 41 and had my last period at 50.
I would say that at 64 I am a lot fitter and healthier than a lot of people my age. I have normal blood pressure, am not overweight, don't have diabetes and don't take any prescription medication. However, that is just a coincidence.

My mum was 40 and 42 when she has us and she didn't enjoy good health.

I admit that I used to wish that my parents weren't "old". I hated people thinking that my mum was my grandmother.

There is a lot of anecdata on this thread from posters whose parents lived until a great age, but the general statistical pitcure is that the older you are when you have your children, the younger they will be when you die.

I was 29 and 32 when my parents died. They never became grandparents in their lifetime.

Personally I think you’re too old, sorry. Feels a bit selfish if I’m honest.

You could consider joining the Donor Conception Network first and speaking with experts (inc other parents and people who were donor conceived). Bringing a child into your family who has no genetic connection to either parent or sibling is not without its difficulties, to put it mildly.

Your daughter will most likley have her own family when you're gone.

Dont have a child for that reason. I have a sibling but we're not close. We dont live near each other.

Your two would have a 6-7 year age gap so they will always have v diff needs and interests for the next 15/20 years

Given what you went through with ivf, i say be grateful and don't push your luck

My parents had me at 39 and 42. I can't help but wish they had me younger. Simply because I'm more likely to lose one or both while I'm still young.

It's up to you, OP. But personally I think it's a bad idea.