Becoming a dad at 51

[50yearold]

I've a lovely 5 year old daughter with my wife. We had fertility issues, down to me as I was on a mediciation that effected my sperm count and wife's age, we met when we were young, I was 29, she was 24, but thought we had loads of time for kids , so enjoyed lots of travel, building our careers, etc, and didn't start trying until she was in her late 30's.

We continued trying for years before we started IVF, we had our perfect girl, but at a later age than most. I was 45, wife was 41.

Now 5 years on, we are considering another child. We always thought we'd settle at one child, but we've talked about and love to add to our family.

Wife is reaching an age which the clinic are saying 'now or never' 46, if we wish to try again, we would have to go straight to double donation, which both of us have no problem at all, rather that than try with a 1% chance using wife's eggs and ICSI with my sperm. We'd love the baby the same.

My only worry is my age, I'm 50 already, would be 51 if the treatment works and the new baby is born, wife would be 47.

On the one hand, I'll leave those kids without a dad probably by the time their in their 30's, 40's. On the other hand at least they would have each other.

Some friends tell me 50+ is too old , others who say go for it.

We've got a lot of savings and big pension, from being childless for so long ( we would hate the idea of kids having to care for us in old age, so have really made provisions for this) .

I love being a dad , but can't help feeling I'm being selfish.

AIBU to want another child at 50+. ?

You sound exactly like my sister!

@StopitSarah I have a sibling. He couldn't care less when DF died and not stepping up for elderly DM. I can't imagine we will be reminiscing together anytime soon. There is no guarantee that siblings all pitch in, it is very lonely and hard when you have a sibling letting you take all the load. Might be easier being an only as you would have the hard work but without the resentment

@toomuchlaundry I’m sorry. That’s really hard. But although some siblings are less than helpful, most are ok (I think?!)

When I was at university, my best friend had very young parents and found my older parents a bit strange. I had children at 30, she didn’t have a child until her early 40’s (circumstance and then fertility issues). So often it’s not really too much of a choice when our children are born. I’d have loved to have children even younger but wasn’t in a relationship/financially settled.

Thank you but my partner will be furious. I'll be having a termination. I'm in denial at the moment.
Yes, I do worry about becoming a carer but only because of how he treats me. When we met, I said he was a little older than I would date but he "sold" himself as someone young at heart who wanted more children. Honestly, I don't believe it. He's got health issues (mostly self induced) and I'm basically a slave who gets no respect.
However, this is not really about age. I loved him and I would have been willing to stay and support him through anything. After the way he's been treating me, I'm not sure how our relationship can continue at all.

Too old.

It’s a whole other topic, but I think using donor eggs and sperm is unethical.

🙄😴

This is so true. After the way DH's arsehole of a brother acted when their DM needed help and when she died I'm glad I don't have a sibling. They no longer talk because of it so they'll be no reminiscing there.

Every time I hear some dimwit spout “age is just a number” I eye roll to high heaven

I wouldn't if I were you. Although for you and your wife the pros outweigh the cons, I'm not convinced you would be acting in the best interests of either your daughter or the donor dc. In what way would a much younger unrelated dc be better for your daughter than a genetically related closer in age cousin she already has? The age gap is large so they won't have the same shared experiences that siblings closer in age would have.

I am particularly concerned about the donor DC. You say you are worried about your DD being alone in the world. What if they don't get on? Imagine being the donor DC. Not genetic roots. Parents die when they are still young. It would be another level of loneliness than that currently faced by your DD.

Your age gap is almost the same as ours. My husband has just got over the shock of our unplanned one. 🤣 Just hope all goes well.

How nice for those of us who were adopted into loving families being told that it is ‘better to be genetically related’

Thanks for that. Managed to trash all my family relationships in one go👍🏻

Even though it’s a load of bollocks.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow I don't want to speak for you, but I don't think no it's an attack on you, PP definitely didn't intend it to be.

In an ideal world, everyone would be able to stay with their bio family. Adopted children being given a loving family and home is a beautiful thing. It's unavoidable that you're not biologically related.

But even then, don't some adopted children struggle with identity and want to seek out their birth family? Want to know where they came from essentially?

I'm the case of double donor, you're deliberately creating a scenario where a child is born with no genetic link. It may cause no issues, it may cause loads. Using two sets of donor gametes is not something to be taken lightly, and it's not an attack on adoption which is a different case entirely.

Thank you @SquanderedAgain . My comment was definitely not attacking adoption. In donor situations there is usually some kind of link. Perhaps the child is related to one of the parents, or there are 2 donor siblings related to each other but not the parents. But in OP's situation there is none of that. Yes, this is the case with adoption, but OP is deliberately creating the situation.

Having lost a parent who was the age the OP is now, I am painfully aware of what it is like to live most of your life without a parent. I just think having no genetic relatives and older parents and a much older sibling is not a great deal for the donor DC.

I think you have misunderstood my point. And possibly are out to take offence. Clearly we are talking about pregnancy and childbirth, so when I say related to, I think it's fairly obvious what that means. The question is are they too old for another pregnancy. For me, the fact that they have to use a donor on both sides means that they are too old. You don't need to be defensive, it's got nothing to do with being parents actually if you think about it properly. It's about what it takes to get pregnant. The question has mostly been answered from the point of view of being an older parent. I am taking it from earlier on.

How nice for those of us who were adopted into loving families being told that it is ‘better to be genetically related

It is a different situation if one dc is genetically linked to both parents and other to neither. I work with quite a few families ( in the USA) where there are adopted and birth dc and it does cause issues often significant ones. It needs careful consideration.

The original question was are we too old and the answer is yes because of age OP and his wife can't use their genetic material, it has aged out.

But by your logic @icefishing adoption from parents with an existing birth child is wrong then? Adoption should only be done where no other children exist??

And if because we 'can't use their genetic material' does that count for younger couples who have cancer treatment or drug therapy that has impacted fertility ( this is what happened to me, by the way), or the thousands of young couples doing IVF through unexplained fertility (this is the reason why most do IVF, there is no known cause why,)

You are making the mistake of thinking if you have one or more of your siblings would help out.

Lots of siblings leave everything to one person to do and only reappear when the will is read out.

I personally know a woman who looked after her elderly mum with her now husband. She missed out having children as her mum needed lots of care. To cut a long story short her mother wrote her 2 other children out of her will as she knew what her daughter had lost. The siblings were furious but couldn't do anything about it.

One of my neighbours has now done similar. Though in her case she has 2 adult children around but one is disabled so needs care as well.

I thought we were old first time parents when I gave birth in my early 40s, however, 2 recently married colleagues were 44 and 66 respectively. The Dad was a first time dad at 66. It’s been a really positive experience for them, their son is now a teen and the dad still cycles everywhere and is doing great. Go for it if you want to.

I would be very cautious about adoption with a family who have birth children, it is another complication in a situation already fraught with them.
If there is a significant age gap it could be beneficial for the adoptive dc depending on their individual circumstances.
With adoption the only focus is what is in the best interests of the child who is looking for permeance , sometimes that might be staying with a foster family who already have older dc for example. Often it is being the only focus of a family or adult.

We as a family had ivf, we were clearly told that we would age out of being able to use our own genetic material after a certain time.
It isn't a moral judgment just a biological fact.
I had one pregnancy within that window and then we knew that we had aged out of having dc.

If you cannot reproduce using your own genetic material due to age then you are too old. Again it isn't a moral so much as a biological statement.

My grandmother had her last baby at 47 ( not planned) my grandfather died of a heart attack 15 months later. You just never know what’s around the corner.

You've got a lot to give and you've planned your retirement well by the sounds of it. That's a huge plus; I say this as an older parent (I had my kids in my 20s, 30s, and 40s).
Go for it, but just be careful. It really may not happen and I hope that you and your wife can deal with the stress of IVF and things perhaps not going to plan. It's a lot to take on and my one concern would that it would be an all-consuming process that would end in disappointment. That can be such a tough ride and I hope that it won't get in the way of being deeply content with what you have and where you're at in life.

@Reugny we all know of families where at least one sibling isn’t fabulous when it comes to helping with ageing parents etc.

But I know many, many more families with supportive and loving siblings.

I’m just bringing my own experience here. I was very lucky to be able to have more than one child with no problems. I’m SO grateful that they have one another. If I’d had a sibling who was disinterested/moved away etc it would be really hard. But there’s every chance that if I’d had a sibling they might actually have been an ally and friend.

Adoption would be ideal for you because you’ll provide love and stability for a child whose parents gave them up. This is totally different to purposely bringing a child into the world using double gamete donation and has no genetic link to anyone in their family (I think this is unethical).

Young couples using IVF do so because their infertility is not due to their age so you can’t compare them to people old enough to be average aged grandparents (fertility naturally declines from mid-30s, especially late 30s and 40s). My parents are 50.

You could adopt a child 1-2 years younger than your Dd so they’re close in age. You’re not bothered about a genetic link so adoption could be ideal.

Yes sorry I think it's incredibly selfish - egg and sperm donation whilst legal is incredibly unethical - unless you are the one wanting to do it of course then you'll argue it's perfectly acceptable 🙄

Jesus, we should keep kids from being adopted if the family has birth children? Please promise me, @icefishing that you never go into social work.