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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Becoming a dad at 51

210 replies

50yearold · 01/03/2023 23:45

I've a lovely 5 year old daughter with my wife. We had fertility issues, down to me as I was on a mediciation that effected my sperm count and wife's age, we met when we were young, I was 29, she was 24, but thought we had loads of time for kids , so enjoyed lots of travel, building our careers, etc, and didn't start trying until she was in her late 30's.

We continued trying for years before we started IVF, we had our perfect girl, but at a later age than most. I was 45, wife was 41.

Now 5 years on, we are considering another child. We always thought we'd settle at one child, but we've talked about and love to add to our family.

Wife is reaching an age which the clinic are saying 'now or never' 46, if we wish to try again, we would have to go straight to double donation, which both of us have no problem at all, rather that than try with a 1% chance using wife's eggs and ICSI with my sperm. We'd love the baby the same.

My only worry is my age, I'm 50 already, would be 51 if the treatment works and the new baby is born, wife would be 47.

On the one hand, I'll leave those kids without a dad probably by the time their in their 30's, 40's. On the other hand at least they would have each other.

Some friends tell me 50+ is too old , others who say go for it.

We've got a lot of savings and big pension, from being childless for so long ( we would hate the idea of kids having to care for us in old age, so have really made provisions for this) .

I love being a dad , but can't help feeling I'm being selfish.

AIBU to want another child at 50+. ?

OP posts:
englishmummyinwales · 02/03/2023 07:34

My DH was 50 when we had DS1 and 51 when we had his brother. I’m 10 years younger. We have kept healthy and active and I really don’t think we are different from other families. As long as you keep engaged and involved with your children’s lives and are physically well, it’s not a problem. DH has just celebrated his 65th birthday with our two teenagers - he is still working (from home so no commute which helps conserve energy) and still has two fairly healthy parents, age 89 & 92 so clearly has good genes. Like you, I wanted two children so they have each other. You will know the statistical risks involved with having babies later although it’s slight and not as huge a risk as many seem to think. I hope it works out for you, good luck.

DanRogersAndHisHorse · 02/03/2023 07:35

DH was 57 when ours was born. he's (perhaps obviously!) alot older than me. He has no other children.

Pros- we were settled in careers and he was able to take a big step back as he was very senior so had loads of time with DS as a baby and as a toddler
-he's now retired so does alot of hands on parenting now DS is ateen
-financially solvent
-he was (is) thrilled to have a child after never thinking he would
-he is very fit and has more energy than I do

Cons

  • there is a biological reality here- DH will most likely die when DS is quite young- he keeps himself in tip top condition tho0ugh and at 70 is extremely fit and looks 10 years younger
  • people confuse him for Granddad!
  • people were critical and probably are still critical- but so what?

I firmly believe that families come in all shapes and sizes and the only thing that matters is that children are loved, protected, and their emotional, social and educational needs are met.

honeylulu · 02/03/2023 07:36

We had our youngest when I was nearly 40 and husband was 53. That wasn't the plan, our eldest was nearly 10 and we planned a much smaller gap but had a lot of bad luck in between. No regrets, youngest has brought balance and so much love and happiness into our family. We have plenty of money and space (paid off mortgage the year she was born) which helps. But I will say that I worry sometimes about being older parents and how long we'll stay alive and well for her, especially my husband who is now 62 (she is 9). All OK so far but two of his siblings have died and the other has just been diagnosed with cancer so I'm acutely aware things can change so quickly. His parents are dead and never knew youngest, mine are doddery and have been much less involved this time. I'm fit and well and actually found motherhood less tiring and difficult this time around. But husband seems much more worn out with it and I often take youngest out at the weekend and he stays at home for a rest. As I say no regrets but in an ideal world we would have completed our family when I was mid 30s and he was late 40s.

RampantIvy · 02/03/2023 07:37

At 71 DH is still working to support DD through university.
He also has health issues.

Just something to consider.

screamingj · 02/03/2023 07:39

It won't be easy for your wife to go through what it takes to have a child and then be bounced straight into menopause.

picklemewalnuts · 02/03/2023 07:40

I'm going to raise the spectre of the implications of double donation.

Your child will have no genetic link to any of its family. It will lose you earlier than most.
Pregnancy with donated eggs is apparently riskier to both mum and baby.

Even if it's unsuccessful, your DD will know she wasn't enough and you wanted more.

My DS hated his little brother from about 6months until 7. They are fab now, but it was a trying few years.
I'm almost 54. I can't imagine anything worse than going through that again!

Greenfairydust · 02/03/2023 07:45

Sorry, but this is selfish.

You might be fit and healthy still at the moment, but you would be a pensioner when the child is a teenager and you would saddle someone in their 20s potentially having to deal with his elderly father needing care.

Because you could have another child does not mean you should.

I had an older father and it became a big issue. I spent my teenage years seeing him in hospital because he had health issues. We never had any kind of bond because he was of a completely different generation with really old-fashioned ideas and he was always too tired to do any kind of activity with me.

Apollonia1 · 02/03/2023 07:47

I had my twins at 47.

My parents were in their 40s having my siblings and me, and are healthy (now 92/93).

I loved having older parents as a kid. I was proud my mum had a career (back in the 60s) before having kids.

One of my friends is 45 (husband 51) and they are trying for a second with double donation.

Marchforward · 02/03/2023 07:50

Jadviga · 02/03/2023 00:48

You'll hear answers going both ways on here. What really matters though is what YOU want and feel comfortable with.

Personally I think you're skirting the edge but not quite too old yet. Life expectancy in the UK is 80, which means your child would be around 30 when you die. They will be old enough to manage life as an independant adult. (not to mention plenty of people lose their parents young for many different reasons).

And your daughter might find it beneficial to have a sibling, especially if there aren't a lot of aunts/uncles/cousins they're close to.

Obviously as an older parent there are things you will find harder to do - you will have less energy to do physical things. But you are comfortable financially so you will be able to afford help when you need it, and your child won't miss out.

If you were any older I'd say no, but you still have time. So if this was my choice I'd do it. And I'd have a clear time limit that if it doesn't work within one year I'd give up on the idea.

But it's not my choice, it's yours. And your wife's. I think you need to sit down, write down what you truly want to do, and give each other the paper - this way there is no temptation or pressure to say what you think the other wants to hear.

Another thing that might help is to think long and hard about the reasons why you hesitate.

  • Are you worried about what other people will think ? (and do you really want to let that shape your decision ?)
  • Are you worried about the child losing their parents young ? (many people lose their parents young for many reasons).
  • Are you worried about your energy levels ? (sounds like you can afford help so you can dedicate what energy you do have to your kids - I expect that won't leave you worse off than a young parent rushed off their feet by minimum wage work, housework, extra hours to try and make ends meet, etc)

Close your eyes and imagine your Christmas dinner ten or twenty years from now. Who's at the table ?

I think you already know what you want to do, you just need to reassure yourself that it's the right decision.

Life expectancy maybe 80 but often with years of ill health before. That means your adult child will be in their 20s and dealing with this.

Crazykefir · 02/03/2023 07:50

I think if you have doubts knock it on the head. I had an older father who had poor health not a bundle of laughs for a teenager.

GarveySister · 02/03/2023 07:51

I think at your ages, with a 6 year gap from your last child, it wouldn’t be the right thing to do. Yes, you are both too old. If you wanted to expand your family, the sensible time to do it would have been cracking on after your first. It would be better to accept that we don’t always get what we want in life, and be grateful for the child you do have.

habiller · 02/03/2023 07:54

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ.

monkeysmum21 · 02/03/2023 07:58

Every weekend I see in our Parkrun plenty of people in their 40s and 50s who are in phenomenal shape, I also see at the school people in their 20s who are so unhealthy that it is shocking. Age is just a number.
You financial situation really gives you the freedom to decide, so go for it if you both feel that way, don’t worry about other people’s opinion.

toomuchlaundry · 02/03/2023 07:58

@habiller do you wonder how much fun it will be for a 20yo to have an almost 80yo dad?

Snoken · 02/03/2023 08:04

It wouldn't be my choice at all. Your child have other people in her life, like cousins/aunts/uncles, I would focus on building those relationships instead so that you don't feel like she will be all alone in the world when you die. She most likely won't anyway as she will probably meet someone and possibly have her own children one day.

One of my friends had a child at 45 and her DH was 49, they both have said it's been very islolating. Their old friends were all at a stage when their kids were older and with their sleepless nights, toddler tantrums and rigid routine there wasn't much room at all to spend time with them in an enjoyable way. Meeting other parents with the same age kids didn't really work either as most of the other parents were 10-15 years younger than them and they were just not that interested to hang out or arrange play dates. It also affected their 10 year old who got much less quality time with her parents and they also didn't have the energy to have her friends over or arrange fun stuff with her outside of school.

crimsonpeak · 02/03/2023 08:07

My dear Dad was 48 when I was born and is now in his late 80s. I love him dearly though I must admit to having a lot of anxiety about losing him early.

Hankunamatata · 02/03/2023 08:10

I think I wouldn't not just from age perspective but how would the child feel to find out that its sibling is genetically yours but they are not.

justasking111 · 02/03/2023 08:21

toomuchlaundry · 02/03/2023 07:58

@habiller do you wonder how much fun it will be for a 20yo to have an almost 80yo dad?

70 years old not 80

justasking111 · 02/03/2023 08:24

screamingj · 02/03/2023 07:39

It won't be easy for your wife to go through what it takes to have a child and then be bounced straight into menopause.

It's said that older mothers delays the menopause

darjeelingrose · 02/03/2023 08:30

Yes you are too old. You are planning to have a baby that is no way related to either of you, because otherwise you couldn't and one of the factors that says that you can't is your age. That's what too old means. You shouldn't go ahead because if you really wanted to, you would have done it sooner.

PilarPalabundar · 02/03/2023 08:38

Nobody has any guarantees of how long they live. My dad was 32 when I came a long and dead by the time I was in my 20s.
Up to you and you know what you are going to do surely.

Missingthegore · 02/03/2023 08:43

ReliantRobyn · 02/03/2023 00:13

Yeah far too old. Best not to for their sake

He could live to 90

I have 47 yr old lady with early onset dementia on one of my wards, a 26 yr old dad of 2 who will have permanent and significant brain damage from a car accident on another.
Things can happen due to genetics or a car accident from swerving to avoid a kangaroo on a back road at any age.

Will you regret if you don't try it OP?

DuvetDownn · 02/03/2023 08:48

its a tricky one. My DM developed Alzheimer’s in her mid 60’s and now lives in a nursing home aged 72.

Allgreen · 02/03/2023 08:53

This is totally out of left field, but have you thought about adopting an older kid who would 1) be closer to your current child's age as a companion for them and for easier simultaneous parenting, and 2) be older when you leave them? And also 3) no risk of disabilities that would leave them dependent on your older child when you're gone.

I assume you hadn't considered adoption initially for a reason, but now that you have one of "your own", does that change things?

AldiorLidl · 02/03/2023 08:53

@justasking111 59 + 20 is 79, nearly 80.