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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Huge argument with Dh re childcare

203 replies

barbiedinosaur · 28/02/2023 07:16

This is a regular argument in our household at the moment but really came to a head this morning. To be honest I think we are both probably being unreasonable but I just need to have a bit of a rant!
We have two DS's 7 & 3. Both have caught every bug going since September. This morning DS (3) has D&V. We do have family nearby who help out a lot but can't have them this week due to other commitments.
Me and Dh both work full time. He earns more than I do but not enough for me to not work. I take 99% of the time off when the kids are poorly and he's done maybe 2 days in the past 12 months. I've suggested I take today off and he does tomorrow. My reasons for this are that my office is down quite a few members of staff this week and I've been asked to pick up extra work so my being off is not going to go down well at all. At least if I can show that I'm trying to make it in for one of the days Ds needs to be off it looks better.

DH has point blank refused. He says that he earns more so it's my responsibility as he doesn't want to get in trouble at work. But he doesn't care that I do! He's said that his job is more important because it pays more than mine does. I do get that he earns more but I don't think it's fair to minimise my contribution.

I just think it's so unfair that he just thinks he can go to work everyday without any thought for childcare and that it should be solely my responsibility to sort it all out. When we met I was the higher earner but obviously took a hit career wise when we had the kids but he seems to forget that!

OP posts:
LittleBearPad · 28/02/2023 07:17

He’s wrong. You’re right.

He should do his share.

abm27 · 28/02/2023 07:19

He's definitely wrong! All responsibility should be shared in my opinion!! Your job isn't worth less just because of how much you earn.

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/02/2023 07:19

He’s wrong. How’s he going to feel if you lose your job when his can’t cover your costs?

MirabelMax · 28/02/2023 07:20

And you never will earn more if he has his way and you're always responsible for childcare. He's 100% wrong.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 28/02/2023 07:20

He's absolutely wrong.

My dad used to earn 4-5 times what my mum did and he did 50% of all the sick days when I was growing up, if not more.

pleaseletmesleeptonight · 28/02/2023 07:21

Pers

Sparklfairy · 28/02/2023 07:22

Yeah he's wrong. Neither of you can afford to lose your jobs so you need to spread the 'risk' so to speak by sharing the childcare.

Girasoli · 28/02/2023 07:22

We both work full time but DH earns twice what I do - we take time off 50/50 (discuss who has meetings that day etc.) because he/we see my career as equally important.

I work with a bunch of dads in their 30s and they they also take time off/wfh to look after their sick children so it's not just my husband.

I'm cross for you but unfortunately I don't know what you could do to make him change.

pleaseletmesleeptonight · 28/02/2023 07:22

Personally I'd get dressed and go to work. He's totally wrong.

I have staff and it really pusses me off when it's clear to me my female staff are picking up all of the childcare.

Not from a boss pov but from a fairness pov

Ahnobother · 28/02/2023 07:23

He's 100% wrong. Good luck OP, it's horrible pressure juggling this stuff.

EVHead · 28/02/2023 07:24

He can only work the way he wants to because you deal with childcare. If you weren’t there, he’d have to organise childcare himself.

It’s a partnership. Your career took a hit to help with childcare. That doesn’t mean you have to do all of it, thereby risking losing your job.

He’s an arse. Talk to him when you’re both calmer.

TokyoSushi · 28/02/2023 07:24

Tale as old as time, drives me absolutely nuts. Of course he's being unreasonable OP.

PermanentTemporary · 28/02/2023 07:24

On the facts you've given you're right.

How would he write the post?

To sound like a cliche from old MN - what would the cost of a nanny be vs 2 in childcare?

Duckingella · 28/02/2023 07:26

You're not unreasonable;he's a misogynist who thinks the childcare is solely your responsibility;it'd be the same if you were the higher earner he'd just find a different excuse.

Out of interest does he do an equal share of the housework/laundry/shopping/cooking/life admin/carrying the mental load?

StarsSand · 28/02/2023 07:26

Fuck that. I'd be furious if my husband said anything of the sort to me.

It's a self fulfilling prophecy as well, if you are less reliable to your employer then you are less likely to advance, and the salary gap between you will widen.

Inform him you will be going to work and he can figure it the fuck out.

What a prick.

picklemewalnuts · 28/02/2023 07:26

You need to have the conversation when the DC aren't ill. It's hard to be calm and rational when you're stressed.

He needs to investigate what the mums at his company do, and generally think about the implications of what he's saying.

Also, point out as the higher earner you could be again if he pulled his weight at home. The family could be better off if he made a better effort.

Merrow · 28/02/2023 07:26

I earn more than DP but have a more flexible job (can make up hours, very rarely have meetings). I probably do more than 50% of the time off as we work because we work out who will be less put out by needing a day off. I don't automatically get priority because of my salary!

NerrSnerr · 28/02/2023 07:27

You're right. I'll put good money on you doing most of the housework and childcare when you're both off work too?

miawallacesfeet · 28/02/2023 07:28

abm27 · 28/02/2023 07:19

He's definitely wrong! All responsibility should be shared in my opinion!! Your job isn't worth less just because of how much you earn.

Isn't it? Surely by definition it is. But I agree he should be doing more than 2 days in 12 months

PicaK · 28/02/2023 07:28

It's amazing that he can't see that crap like that is what holds women back in the office. That he's setting a terrible example to everyone around him by not shouldering the burden. I'm annoyed on your behalf

cosmiccosmos · 28/02/2023 07:32

The problem is that society, well mainly men, haven't moved on. Until men start to do their share and businesses modernise this won't change. I think the fact it's so slow to change shows just how many men don't want it to change. I would be you money that if you earned more than your DH he still wouldn't want to parent his own children. I'm also willing to bet you do the bulk of the household/wifework.

Here's the thing, what are you going to change to force him to change? He thinks, like most men, that there's nothing you can do. There certainly is, I would be immediately be essentially acting as if he isn't there - no laundry, no cooking, no thing for him, because basically he isn't being a parent:/husband he?

Name999999 · 28/02/2023 07:32

DH and I always shared time off. Didn’t end up with much annual leave left!

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 28/02/2023 07:37

Isn't it? Surely by definition it is. But I agree he should be doing more than 2 days in 12 months

Of course it's not.

Or do you think a nurse is worth less than a lawyer?

hoophoophooray · 28/02/2023 07:39

My husband earns more and is more senior than me. It's easier for him to take time off as he gets it paid and he can tell anyone who doesn't like it to sod off.

For example yesterday one of ours went to school feeling a bit under the weather. He cancelled a site visit preemptively in case she needed to be collected, as I was over an hour away in an all morning workshop. She was fine, but he would have collected her.

Quartz2208 · 28/02/2023 07:40

Previously I had a very flexible job and did all the sickness. Took redundancy got a new job and earn less but work in a school so have become a lot less flexible so DH even though he earns a lot more has stepped up because he can

you need to have a very clear talk about how your career has already taken a hit and it is equal all the way now to rebuild your career back

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